Newest Member: Serenity7

Divorce/Separation :
Finally grey rock

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 DanielJK (original poster Member #75654) posted at 8:26 PM on Wednesday, May 5th, 2021

I am close to divorce.

I've been tortured for about a year. Lied to, deceived, and manipulated the entire 12 month period.

I did the pick me dance for almost the entire time.

I've been emotionally abused.

I'm a shell of my former self. I'm 40 pounds lighter than I was a year ago.

I went pain shopping this week and found out my STBXWW never stopped communicating with AP the entire time. This includes time spent in marriage counseling.

I have finally gone grey rock.

STBXWW now claims that I'm the bad guy because of the hostile environment I've created by going grey rock. It is absolutely maddening. I've also heard her apologize to other people for the toxic environment that I created...get it? The toxic environment that I created. I was stabbed in the back in the worst possible way and me trying to pull the knife out and spraying blood everywhere is the real problem.

To add insult to injury...when I was pain shopping I saw that my STBXWW told one of her friends that I told STBXWW "I will destroy you." I NEVER said that and never will. It's like saying "do you know who I am?" I just would never say something like that. I'm the type of person who sees things very black and white legally. If anything I would have said "I'm taking everything I am entitled to under CT's divorce laws." Very simple and true. But "i will destroy you?" C'mon man!

She continues to play the victim. It's driving me crazy...I'm going to lose it.

Good news is final divorce date looks like May 18th and closing on the new house is May 27. 13 months later I will finally be out of infidelity.

(Pain shopping = I looked at her phone).

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8656927
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BearlyBreathing ( Member #55075) posted at 9:11 PM on Wednesday, May 5th, 2021

Keep your eye on the prize— you are so close.

And then gray rock becomes NC and healing accelerates.

Hang in there.

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTAKinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4211   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8656941
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 9:16 PM on Wednesday, May 5th, 2021

Keep at it. No contact is your best path.

Exposure of her affair to those that matter may help your anxiety around this. Help clear the air.

It doesn’t matter what she thinks or wants.

[This message edited by Marz at 3:17 PM, May 5th (Wednesday)]

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8656944
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 9:22 PM on Wednesday, May 5th, 2021

(Pain shopping = I looked at her phone).

DJK, stop looking. You already know what that phone contains. Evidence of her continuing betrayal. Whether it’s continued contact with her ap, or lying about you to her friends. You have set your path, is there anything you could find on that phone that would change it? If she started extolling your virtues to anyone who would listen or made contact with five new ap’s what would change? In a few weeks the divorce will be final and you’ll be out of the house, so stop giving that goddamn phone power over your life.

Oh, and once it is final, feel free to send some of her best hits to her friends. And their husbands. Let them know what her views on fidelity have twisted into. See if they want to risk it rubbing off on their marriages.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 369   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8656947
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BetrayedGamer ( Member #78456) posted at 9:55 PM on Wednesday, May 5th, 2021

You are so close. Looking forward to you being one of the wizened "been there" folks on SI giving advice to others in the middle of it.

I'm jealous of the grey rock status. I know it sucks, all the backstabbing and blame shifting, but take comfort in that once you end up in NC you can use all of that to strengthen your resolve.

I'm having the opposite problem, while I know the AP is still in her life through communication, in person the STBXWW has been super nice and friendly. I can't stop being the helpful and noble BH even though I get pissed when I think about the A. All I can promise myself is I will not be the initiator, I guess that's a step.

Me BH (51) her STBXWW (47) AP (30)
D-Day 3/14 (3 months before our 7th Anniversary)
Multiple Rs requested but she refused
She moved out May 1, D final on 6/24
No biological kids, 1 stepdaughter

posts: 157   ·   registered: Mar. 6th, 2021   ·   location: CO
id 8656955
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 10:04 PM on Wednesday, May 5th, 2021

Looking forward to you being one of the wizened "been there" folks on SI giving advice to others in the middle of it.

Wizened old-timer here

DJK, you know my views on the wonders of divorce. You're in the home stretch and as hard as it is, try to detach as best you can. That said, don't beat yourself up for that urge to 'pain shop'. In my case, looking at his phone one last time actually helped me know for 100% sure that I was making the right choice in divorcing - that last look at his phone, I found out he had been sexting and getting tit pics from AP number who knows what while he was at the vet with me putting my 16 yo dog to sleep. Yeah... it hurt. But it also helped me to see just what a piece of human-shaped garbage he is.

Hang in there honey - I know life will be better for you on the other side!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3140   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8656959
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 11:22 PM on Wednesday, May 5th, 2021

DJK-

As for her friends, or mutual friends knowing the truth, have you told anyone about the affair? I can't remember now.

You can't control what your WW says to anyone, and to no ones surprise, everyone is always the hero in their life story. So don't beat yourself up about what she tells anyone. If those people are important to you, than set the record straight. Especially if you have info on her affair that is unrefutable proof, share it with those that matter, but beyond that, you don't control the WW.

Once our D was final, my WW has the gall to call up my friend to shoot the shit, and told my friend that I'm a bitter ex husband, and it sucks having to deal with me. LOL. I stay NC with the WW except for kid stuff, and that is it. My friend knew the score, so quickly got off the phone with my WW. She is gaslighting you, rewriting the marital history to fit her story, you can burn that down if you care to tell everyone about her affair.

Like my WW, yours is telling her side of the story, and make no mistake, she is not going to volunteer to people that she cheated and was a horrible bitch. NOPE. She's going to remain the hero of her story. So don't worry about what shes going to say, you'll be divorced soon.

The real prize is when you are done, the monkey is off your back, and you get to move on with your life as a genuine good human being. People who know you as a couple will know you, she can spin it however she wants, but people will make up their own mind on facts and how you treat them.

I've retained all of the shared friends. She has kept her childhood friends, but I've heard from them too, and they still consider me a friend and know the story b/c I made sure to let everyone know the truth. My exWW has lost all of the shared friends save for 1, and the rest of them only put up with her as much as needed for some school/kid type events. That's it. She has lost a ton, and her social capital is very low.

No more pain shopping for you. May 18th is your New beginning and it will come soon enough. Keep your eyes on the prize and say "Bye Felicia".

posts: 1144   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8656977
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siracha ( Member #75132) posted at 3:03 AM on Thursday, May 6th, 2021

Great job grey rocking ! Only good people need to stay in your life , toxic people are like dead crabs you should notice when you are near them and walk away quickly .

posts: 538   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2020
id 8657015
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WontBeFooledAgai ( Member #72671) posted at 4:00 AM on Thursday, May 6th, 2021

DanielJK, stay strong Friend! You got this!

posts: 287   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8657030
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 DanielJK (original poster Member #75654) posted at 12:33 PM on Thursday, May 6th, 2021

NC is my friend

NC is my friend

NC is my friend

NC is my friend

God help me

She's texting me, "will you take my call"...no I will not take your call

NC is my friend

NC is my friend

NC is my friend

asc1226 The pain shopping came from her being so sugary sweet to me lately. It's hard to resist. I'm like a beaten dog that still wags its tail when its abuser gets home, what is wrong with me? It worked though, those discoveries definitely strengthened my resolve to stay NC and hard grey rock no matter how sweet she appears to be (it's only taken me 12 months, geez WTF is wrong with me). So BetrayedGamer, I know how you feel in regard to staying friendly. It's hard. The person you love and trusted most in the world is actually being nice...it's hard not to capitulate to that.

HalfTime2017 I have a big mouth when it comes to this for some reason, so I have told anyone who will listen.

BearlyBreathing, Marz, EllieKMAS, Siracha, WontBeFoooledAgai, thank you. I see you guys here and your advice and support are invaluable, not only on my threads, but I see you on others. I'm glad you guys are here. It's nice to put a brain dump on here now and then and have a bunch of internet strangers lift my spirits. You have no idea how much it helps me to come here and vent and get support (actually you probably do know how much this site helps a person in our situation).

About 14 days to divorce and about 21 days to physical separation... 21 days...just 21 days to go...

For some reason this seems to be among the hardest times form me. I'm getting similar anxiety that I had around dday. I've lost any weight that I gained back since last May.

Stay with me.

[This message edited by DanielJK at 6:45 AM, May 6th (Thursday)]

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8657089
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Chaos ( Member #61031) posted at 1:00 PM on Thursday, May 6th, 2021

found out my STBXWW never stopped communicating with AP the entire time

And now you know. Beyond the shadow of a doubt.

Rock on you gray rock you [yup - I went there with a rock pun]. Keep it up too. One thing the drama fueled hate is a gray rock.

Yes - she will take her drama show to others. They may even buy a ticket. They will also realize when they go looking for more - a gray rock usually [physically and metaphorically] stops that in its tracks.

Let them talk - hold your head high. Proceed about your life without looking back.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3264   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8657093
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Catwoman ( Member #1330) posted at 1:25 PM on Thursday, May 6th, 2021

It's very hard when you start seeing glimpses of the person you thought you loved.

But remember what is behind the mask. She has put her mask back on and is trying to nice you into something. She's not doing it for YOU, she's doing it for HERSELF.

And that's why NC is very helpful. There's nothing to discuss, correct? It's all done but for the paperwork approvals, right?

I found it very helpful to make "plans" with myself to get through these sorts of times. I still do it on occasion. For example, this weekend, I'm going to hit the local high school's fundraiser, drive to a nursery about 45 minutes away to replace a rosebush, come home and plant said rosebush and do some weeding in preparation for some lawnwork that I'm having done. When it's all done, I intend to sit either out on my back porch or in my comfy chair and relax.

See how easy that is? It will give you purpose, even if it is just taking stuff to the Goodwill place (which is part of NEXT weekend's plan).

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 32936   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8657100
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 1:52 PM on Thursday, May 6th, 2021

Here is an example of gray rocking

Her: Where is the salt?

You: I don’t know

Then you leave the room.

You don’t engage. You are simply existing every time you are around her. You are a boring person to her.

Gray rocking is to be so noncommittal that she can’t find anything to grab. It’s to keep you emotionally safe.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2905   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8657106
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Shehawk ( Member #68741) posted at 2:13 PM on Thursday, May 6th, 2021

Half

I am curious why cheaters tell people their betrayed spouses are bitter. It is like they are issued a "do this not that" manual.

Wow! Don't say words like "I stabbed my spouse in the back while pretending to the world to be justified in doing this and they are (rightfully) upset and I am working to support them in their healing. Instead say " (insert name of bs) is so bitter". Umm...as a matter of fact you risk my life for some kinky risky ego kibbles does have the effect of making me not trust you or feel safe around you any more....imagine that Mr. Shehawk. There are natural consequences to behaviors.

posts: 779   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8657110
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Shehawk ( Member #68741) posted at 2:21 PM on Thursday, May 6th, 2021

And Daniel. The trash talking the spouse to the ap about what happened in marital counseling seems to be another play in the dirty cheater book.

I enrolled in a program offered for "free" from my health insurance company designed to help me people learn coping skills. During my evaluation the therapist introduced me to a book/concept of emotional rape. I finally had a name for what had happened to me.

I am so sorry you found out about the contact your ww had with ap during the time you were going to counseling. I had always said that the infidelity felt like me being raped with people watching and cheering him on (co abusers that were friends of the affair).

Stand tall. Get support. Know you are not alone.

posts: 779   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8657117
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TwoDozen ( Member #74796) posted at 3:20 PM on Thursday, May 6th, 2021

Dan. So sorry to hear your latest updates.

As you know I believe myself to be in the same situation you thought you was prior to your latest discoveries, so hearing what you discovered the last few weeks has scared the shit out of me.

I don’t know what to say, I just cannot fathom how someone could be that callous after witnessing what the original dday did to you. I don’t believe anyone can be that evil so there must be some ninja level Cognitive dissonance going on in her noggin.

You’ve been here before, you’ve survived this before.

Onwards and upwards

#21daystogo

TD

Play stupid games ; Win stupid prizes

posts: 363   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2020
id 8657132
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 DanielJK (original poster Member #75654) posted at 6:09 PM on Thursday, May 6th, 2021

Shehawk and HalfTime I have to comment on the “bitter BS.”

I would like someone to explain to me the proper response to being stabbed in the back in the worst possible way, because clearly we are all doing it wrong.

I always liked this analogy…It’s like the WS literally stabbed you in the back and you are bleeding all over the floor and the WS yells “HEY! Can you stop bleeding all over the floor, you’re making a fucking mess!!!”

Chaos…very simple and strong message, I like it.

Catwoman…hard not to see the woman I married when I look at her, so hard.

Cooley2 here…doing my best with that, I’m sticking with it. It worked last night and this morning, keeping my big mouth shut.

TwoDozen…thanks as always for your support.

I really don’t know what I would do without you guys. I am so impressed with the knowledge and support here. I stand in awe sometimes at the messages you guys provide to me and others. You are all amazing. You are my friends and I appreciate you all.

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8657207
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BobPar ( Member #62993) posted at 6:47 PM on Thursday, May 6th, 2021

STBXWW now claims that I'm the bad guy because of the hostile environment I've created by going grey rock. It is absolutely maddening. I've also heard her apologize to other people for the toxic environment that I created...get it? The toxic environment that I created.

They have to demonize you to justify themselves.

The escalation of animosity and recruiting is because your Grey Rock is working, so they step it up to get the emotional kibbles they need.

Just keep swimming... What you are going through is very hard and painful.

Also, I found that people come out of the wood work and supported me in an indirect way. Hard to explain. People see what is going on. They may not say it, but you probably have more of their support than you realize. And your ex's recruiting probably isn't having the effect that you or her are feeling it does.

posts: 538   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2016   ·   location: MI
id 8657220
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J707 ( Member #63778) posted at 7:23 PM on Thursday, May 6th, 2021

About 14 days to divorce and about 21 days to physical separation... 21 days...just 21 days to go...

You got this! I know this is painful but you're so close! I think the physical separation and not seeing her daily will be huge in your healing. Keep practicing grey rock and keep it implemented after the D. Stupid shit she tries to say or text, post it here. No contact will be your best friend.

posts: 1104   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2018   ·   location: Ca
id 8657234
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BetrayedGamer ( Member #78456) posted at 7:38 PM on Thursday, May 6th, 2021

That's a weird dynamic, having the divorce finalized before she's moved out. You have a lot of power at that point, she's merely a roommate (on both a legal and emotional level).

She may look like the person you married, but...taking this from another post...treat her like an alien in that person's body. She isn't that person anymore. Laugh off any guilt trips she drops on you, you have the ultimate comeback...YOU'RE the one that cheated.

Me BH (51) her STBXWW (47) AP (30)
D-Day 3/14 (3 months before our 7th Anniversary)
Multiple Rs requested but she refused
She moved out May 1, D final on 6/24
No biological kids, 1 stepdaughter

posts: 157   ·   registered: Mar. 6th, 2021   ·   location: CO
id 8657244
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