Newest Member: Serenity7

Divorce/Separation :
Finally grey rock

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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 4:40 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

I'm absolutely crushed again. That she would offer to file a motion for conciliation, arrange for a MC...all while maintaining contact with AP. Good God what happened to my wife?

A better question is why allow yourself to be so disrespected?

Cut it off or get more. You have a choice.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:40 AM, May 17th (Monday)]

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8660148
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Jambomo ( Member #74853) posted at 4:43 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

Closing on the new house is next week...I may actually be able to afford a hotel room now to get me to that date. I need to get away from her.

I think this is really important. You need the space to start being on your own and she needs to not know your every movement.

You need to look at this clearly - what you had was gone and at present, you are remembering the fantasy of what you had. If there was any regret or intention to make up, that would have happened when it was first discovered. She is simply trying to limit her losses whilst eating her cake but without much concern for your wellbeing whilst doing so.

I honestly was similar to you in that I held on for so long and had so much hope. I'm a year and a half (almost) since I left and honestly, even on my own life is so much better than before. Sometimes people say to you that you need to do everything to save a marriage (though not on here of course!) I am the opposite, you really should look at how life is as a single guy, having fun with his friends and living your own life, then decide if you really want to go back and start with her again.

[This message edited by Jambomo at 10:44 AM, May 17th (Monday)]

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Scotland
id 8660150
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Jorge ( Member #61424) posted at 5:03 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

Her actions, non-actions and reactions completely control your emotional state, happiness and sense of being. Genuine, sustainable happiness is from within. When you can manufacture your happiness is when you'll find a freedom you didn't even know was available to you. It's there for the taking, but you're not taking it.

posts: 692   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2017   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8660166
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This0is0Fine ( Member #72277) posted at 6:18 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

Another blow out this morning.

I get "I'm sorry it didn't happen on your timeline, not everything happens on your timeline..."

My timeline? My timeline?

It's been 7 days and she couldn't find 5 minutes to call him?

So nothing has changed. She hasn't changed. She isn't going to change. It's the same cake eating bullshit you have been dealing with.

My heart needs to finally accept that I meant so little to her, and I was such a low priority that she could not find 5 minutes to break it off with him.

You still think she is is thinking like a committed monogamist. In her mind, she isn't prioritizing or picking anything. She thinks she can fuck both of you indefinitely.

Back to hurting badly. I know, I do it to myself.

At this point, you need to learn your damn lesson. I hope you have.

Closing on the new house is next week...I may actually be able to afford a hotel room now to get me to that date. I need to get away from her.

I'm absolutely crushed again. That she would offer to file a motion for conciliation, arrange for a MC...all while maintaining contact with AP. Good God what happened to my wife?

Cake eating. Cake eating. Cake eating. It's all cake eating.

She is willing to lie and deceive for personal gain. It's a core value to her and she has no interest in changing it.

At this point it terrifies me that this is the mother of my children. I hope my daughters don't grow up to be like her.

One way to help them is to show that this is the sort of behavior that a good man won't tolerate.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1329   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8660207
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 11:25 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

I have a friend (well… HAD a friend) that is an alcoholic.

He’s already lost most of his old friends, two marriages and the respect of his children due to his inability to quit drinking. Back maybe 25-30 years ago I made several attempts to get him to sober up. He also came to me several times asking for help to stay sober. Yet when he asked to stay at our place to help remaining sober I would be finding empty whiskey bottles behind his bed and in his car…

Your wife sort-of reminds me of that friend.

She’s had quite some time to end the affair and commit to the marriage. NOW – ten minutes before the divorce – she’s telling you she’s searching for MC and all that…

Sort of like my friend who would stop by to buy booze on the way over to ask me to help him sober up. Or hit me for some cash for booze while whining about his drinking.

There can be any good or bad reason for why she wants the marriage. It can be because she really wants it, or it can be because OM made it clear she’s only a booty-call for her. Whatever.

Just like my friend had plenty of good reasons to stop drinking – his kids, wife, job, health… Yet he always relapsed.

My experience from that and from dealing with others that have some sort of addiction is that deciding to end it isn’t enough. You then have to do the work to end it. The decision alone isn’t enough.

I would possibly give your wife some credit if she hadn’t been with OM a month ago.

I would possibly give her some credit if she wasn’t LOOKING for a MC but BOOKING a MC.

But right now… to me… it sounds like she’s stopping at the boozer on the way to an intervention. There is no commitment.

Or maybe she is totally committed to saving the marriage, only she hasn’t deleted OM contact from her phone… sort of like my friend never completely threw away all his booze when he decided to stop drinking.

For you to delay or stop any actions now will only cause you pain. You have passed that line in the sand and it’s way behind you. I have NEVER recommended divorce as the first step in reconciling a marriage and I won’t do so now.

Since you have asked for a stay then at the very least do this:

Set goals. Where do you want to be in 2 weeks? 4 weeks? 8 weeks…

And decide your future and your marriage on how your WW has met those goals. If she’s not willing to meet your demands NOW when she has everything to lose then she’s not going to meet them 5 years from now.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8660301
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BluerThanBlue ( Member #74855) posted at 11:57 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

Daniel, I think it’s not an exaggeration at this point to say that your wife is a sadist.

She doesn’t reel you back in because of confusion, fleeting bouts of regret, or even a selfish desire to keep the existing status quo.. she does it because she derives pleasure and a sense of power by your desperation and subsequent grief.

Think of your wife as if she were a vial of crack... at most you will get a few minutes of a high at the expense of your health, your sanity, and your dignity. There is no such as thing as “just a little bit” of crack when you’re an addict. It’s cold turkey or nothing.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 474   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8660307
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 DanielJK (original poster Member #75654) posted at 1:06 AM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Just to clarify...my court date is this week...at that point, in front of the judge we would have to both agree to file a "motion for conciliation." I expect this will not happen and it will be divorce as planned. The court wants an update. I assume the attorneys will say divorce is on track and separation agreement is being written. So there is no "stay" at the moment...normal course of the divorce process is happening as of now. No further delay. Not sure why it takes this long, I filed in December and we're still not divorced.

Bigger FWIW she booked a MC appointment for next Wednesday, so she did more than look. Problem is right after she booked the appointment she probably contacted AP to see how his day was going.

Blue - you're not wrong. The last marriage counselor actually said "she seems to enjoy hurting you."

I admit I'm like a beaten dog who still wags it's tail when its abuser gets home.

I'm just praying for next Wednesday to get here...that is the day of closing on my new house. I will finally have a place to escape to.

All of you are spot on.

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8660326
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 1:39 AM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

I admit I'm like a beaten dog who still wags it's tail when its abuser gets home.

You can change that.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8660336
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 1:48 AM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

She has no intention of saving the marriage. She just wants to continue torturing you for a while, and she enjoys to see how you come back to her with one word. If not, at least she would try to hide her continuing A, albeit with lies. She doesn't even need it. She does everything openly in front of your eyes and she knows you're going crazy and suffer. Ultimately, she also knows that you will continue the divorce proceedings.

So, while she knows the result will not change, her only goal can be that she enjoys your reaction.

Do you think something will change if she call him for NC after all that happened?

Far from saying "stop believing any of her words", please don't even listen to anything she says, just walk your own way.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 7:48 PM, May 17th (Monday)]

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8660339
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 1:58 AM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

DJK you're doing as well as can be expected. I mean... look how far you've come since you got here to SI. I'm proud of you and YOU should be proud of you too.

Infidelity and all the aftermath is such a mindfuck and I don't think anyone does everything perfectly in dealing with it. Lord knows I didn't either! But you're moving forward. Even if you're having to force yourself to take every step, you're still moving. Cut yourself some slack please!

Get through this next week. Get some distance from her. I'm willing to bet, sooner than you think, you'll hit the point where you can't imagine why you ever actually wanted to stay with her. And once you hit that point, things will get easier. Hang in there.

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 7:59 PM, May 17th (Monday)]

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3140   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8660341
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MickeyBill2016 ( Member #56459) posted at 2:22 AM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Is your new house vacant, will you be living there or at your old house?

Everytime you give her a break she throws it in your face.

She questions the deadline to "break up" with Kurt?

Just move on Dan, if at some point she straightens up and starts to fly right (not gonna happen but we can hope) she knows where you are. At your new house.

Once she has less drama and more time the romance with Kurt may go away. Hell Kurt may have a few more sidepieces in addition to your wife, and won't want her full time. But if it does, hopefully you will be able to live without her.

Good luck - you have done a yeoman's job trying to make things work and she has sabotaged it each time...move on my friend.

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1176   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8660347
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 3:24 AM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Blue - you're not wrong. The last marriage counselor actually said "she seems to enjoy hurting you."

Did the counselor say this to her? What was her response?

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 369   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8660359
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RocketRaccoon ( Member #54620) posted at 7:18 AM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

The last marriage counselor actually said "she seems to enjoy hurting you."

The problem here is not your WW, but you. You are LETTING her hurt you. It is almost like you enjoy being hurt by her.

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 888   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8660390
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 DanielJK (original poster Member #75654) posted at 12:28 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Guvensiz

Do you think something will change if she call him for NC after all that happened?

I think she would have done the same “poor me I just broke up with my boyfriend” routine and then I get the brunt of it because I caused it and therefore I have to suffer more misery.

Thank you Ellie

MickeyBill

The house was recently appraised for the bank, when I got a copy the pictures in it showed an empty house, so the new house is vacant at the moment. I have a cot that I will take to the empty house next Wednesday and use that until the movers come the following week…at least I can get out of IHS.

Asc1226 – the counselor said that to me personally when she was not present.

Rocket Racoon

I don’t necessarily enjoy being hurt by her…I just remember the good times we had. Until now the good always outweighed the bad…now it’s just bad.

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8660413
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 DanielJK (original poster Member #75654) posted at 12:31 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Here’s one for you guys. I’d like to get your take on this.

Last night I told my daughters that STBXWW and I tried to work things out, but your mother keeps contacting her boyfriend. I told them that I can’t take it anymore and that the new house closing is next week and I will be moving out ASAP…this is no longer my home…I told them we would tour the new house later this week so they could think about how they want their bedrooms…and that a mover will be there the first week of June to move a bunch of furniture out.

STBXWW was at the gym. I sent her a text that said …I let (our daughters) know that we tried to work things out but you refuse to stop contacting AP. I let them know that I will be moving out next week. They know that a moving truck will be here the following week to remove a bunch of furniture.

Her response:

“I’m sorry to hear this for several reasons. I was having my conversation with (AP) when you were saying these things to (our daughters). It is not appropriate for you to share many of the things you have shared with them. You know this. And you told your attorney that you wanted to do conciliation and then you do this.”

1.If I had just waited another 5 minutes she would have given me everything I have been begging for over the past year.

2.It’s not appropriate to disparage their mother in front of them, I know that. Telling them the truth of what happened to their family is not disparaging their mother. Saying “your mother is a fucking whore and I’m divorcing her because she is such a slut” while justified would be disparaging their mother in front of them. Saying “I cannot remain married to your mother while she has a boyfriend” is not disparaging, it’s the blunt, honest truth of the matter.

3.I agreed to conciliation, yes…then she continued to contact AP.

The unmitigated gall.

ETA - please keep posting, I'm in the home stretch and you have no idea how much your comments give me hope and calm my nerves. All the best to every one of you.

[This message edited by DanielJK at 6:34 AM, May 18th (Tuesday)]

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8660414
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 1:02 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Asc1226 – the counselor said that to me personally when she was not present

Seems like an abdication that MC’s are infamous for around here. Hearing this from a “professional” might have actually given her a moment of pause.

I was having my conversation with (AP) when you were saying these things to (our daughters).

Yeah, she’s had about two weeks to have this one minute conversation, that for some reason had to be private, and she finally was able to squeeze it in at the gym. Maybe someone was on her favorite treadmill.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 369   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8660419
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 1:06 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Daniel:

Unmitigated gall indeed! Stepping back and looking at all of her lies and cruelty over the last year, look at the tone of her responses. No humility. No compassion. No understanding what she has done to you. So very selfish. Every response is about her. Combative and defensive. Very sorry you are going through this. Based on what I have read here, her attitude and anger will continue long after you separate and D.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2794   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8660420
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Kindern ( New Member #78441) posted at 1:21 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

She’s clearly lying about telling AP the moment you happen to tell your daughters.

I’d be worried she needed to stall for a reason. All this talk of rebuilding your marriage whilst refusing to end things with her boyfriend... gotta be a reason. The fact she just let you go despite claiming to want to rebuild and apparently just 5 mins earlier was ending things speaks volumes.

She’s trying to turn “I didn’t end things so he left us” into “I didn’t end things fast enough for him and he left us despite me doing what he asked.”

posts: 29   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021   ·   location: Uk
id 8660422
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 1:37 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

“I’m sorry to hear this for several reasons. I was having my conversation with (AP) when you were saying these things to (our daughters). It is not appropriate for you to share many of the things you have shared with them. You know this. And you told your attorney that you wanted to do conciliation and then you do this.”

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I was still in contact with my AP while you were telling our daughters about my affair? Um, cheaters lie a lot.

It is your job to help hide my affair. All you had to do was be a doormat. Now you’ve ruined everything! All you had to do was lie to the kids. I do it all the time 😳.

I and my AP are more important than you and the family. Now you’ve ruined that. All you had to do was swallow some more of my lies and everything would have been fine (for me).

Boo hoo hoo. Now you’ve gone and ruined everything (for me and my AP).

[This message edited by Marz at 7:39 AM, May 18th (Tuesday)]

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8660424
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Anna123 ( Member #70908) posted at 1:45 PM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Good point above. She is stalling, yet not fighting. Makes me nervous too.

Good job on telling the kids the facts with no editorializing. They know how you presented it. That's all that matters. Your cheater can bla bla bla all she wants and it doesn't change that. Which brings me to the next point---

This bull crap from her is why your next step is continue grey rock and go N/C asap. Simple answers, no responses to her comments. FEEL it. Feel how much what she says is just words meant to manipulate or hurt you. Let it bounce off you as best you can. You have more important things to put in your mind. You have a big move, you have plans to make with your children etc. No room for the mindfu** she offers.

I can't recall if you have your ducks in a row financially, but if not be careful with her.

Take care.

[This message edited by Anna123 at 7:48 AM, May 18th (Tuesday)]

posts: 620   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8660428
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