Newest Member: Serenity7

Divorce/Separation :
Finally grey rock

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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 1:34 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Good to know your daughter has a part time job. It means she understands how much things cost.

Because you and her mother are no longer a couple I imagine you feel guilty even though you are not at fault. I know a dad who nearly had to declare bankruptcy trying to help his kids because of a divorce. If you are honest with her you will be surprised at how much she will understand. Leasing a car for a teenager is iffy. Two of mine wrecked cars within a month of having a license.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2905   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8668848
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 2:55 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Leasing a car for a teenager is iffy. Two of mine wrecked cars within a month of having a license.


This. First couple of years is always the worst. It seems some have to wreck a time or two before they really get it. Had one that wrecked three in three years. He had issues learning to slow down in snow and ice. Good thing he lives in central AZ now.

posts: 736   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8668863
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blahblahblahe ( Member #62231) posted at 4:17 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

I have a question.

Why are you not deflecting this back to your XW? DD needs a car, your XW can pay for it.

I assume your daughter knows about the affair/new boyfriend, simply tell the daughter that since you have incurred so many costs due to her mother's affair that you cannot afford it.

Net effect would be

1. you are not to blame for a lack of car

2. mom is unmasked as the problem

3. mom now has additional pressure applied to her and relationship with b/f

I could go on, but where is the downside? Daughter couldn't be angry with you..

posts: 298   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2018   ·   location: Europe and USA
id 8668893
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This0is0Fine ( Member #72277) posted at 12:28 AM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

I'm just here to give advice on used cars.

The PT Cruiser is absolutely solid. Bad gas mileage, true. Reliability is fine, they regularly go over 150k miles, but it's hated by everyone for design reasons (more or less), keeps the value low compared to almost any other comparable vehicle (maybe a used Kia Soul?).

$3000 buck for one with like 75k miles.

If she doesn't like that idea, she can always save up...

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1329   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8668998
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Phoenix1 ( Moderator #38928) posted at 4:59 AM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

Be careful with leased vehicles. My DD was driving a vehicle Xhole leased when she was a teen (long story). End result was she blew way past the mileage limit, even though she was told about the limit. Cost a very hefty price when the lease was up.

Get used and take it to a trusted mechanic (or take mechanic to car) to do a thorough "pre-purchase" inspection (purchase can be contingent on mechanic inspection results). All my kids bought their first cars that way and it worked out well. They all contributed to purchase and were responsible for their own insurance as it is part of vehicle ownership along with maintenance. As we explained, car ownership is nice, but it's not a right, and the school bus could cart them to school just as easily. They worked, excelled in school, and had many extracurricular activities. It is doable if that's what they want.

fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~

posts: 8992   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Land of Indifference
id 8669044
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 6:23 AM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

Marz – you have told me the same thing for a long time now…you were right the first time you told me and you’re right now…I know you’re right…It has taken me a long time to recognize how right you are, so forgive me for not taking your advice much sooner.

You’re a fairly young guy. Life could be great but not with your x in it. Once you get the knack of no contact it becomes easier. Life becomes a lot simpler. You have total control over that. No one else does unless YOU give it to them.

[This message edited by Marz at 12:24 AM, June 23rd (Wednesday)]

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8669052
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OrdinaryDude ( Member #55676) posted at 1:05 AM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

Used cars can be a pain, but using the internet to do your research will help a lot.

My personal recommendation is a small Honda or Toyota sedan or crossover as they tend to last a very long time and parts are cheap.

Remember that wheels for your kid is about movement not style, and impress that on them if needed.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 7:06 PM, June 23rd (Wednesday)]

Me - BH 50+
Her - WW 50+
Married 30+ years, 2 adult kids
(1989) PA Rug-Swept
(2002) EA Rug-Swept
(2016) EA *Getting Out Of Infidelity*

**Working at Reconciling**

posts: 3366   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: The Big Easy
id 8669270
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 9:51 PM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Daniel, weekly report please!

Any progress in the process?

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8672051
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 DanielJK (original poster Member #75654) posted at 12:27 AM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

Hey, sorry.

I'm doing OK. I appreciate the check in.

I ruptured my bicep tendon when I moved and had surgery on it last Thursday in an attempt to reattach it (sorry if too graphic). Turns out I also had a torn rotator cuff, that was done too...so I've been a little out of it for a few days.

Everything is OK here...I'm hoping my next update will be to say I am divorced. Still waiting on the attorneys.

Kids are here this week, hard getting around with one arm, it sucks...this ruined my summer, but I'm not complaining...I'm on the mend and hopefully will have use of my arm again in a few weeks. Start PT tomorrow. I'm lucky I have a desk job, so no issues returning to work. And my family was wonderful helping me through surgery.

Not much more I can say about STBXWW. She still blames me for everything. Even compared me to her alcoholic, verbally abusive father. I just can't even anymore...honestly...I don't drink (like at all), I don't do drugs and I've never been anything close to abusive to my children, verbally, physically, emotionally or otherwise...like he was...to be compared to someone like that is just so insulting I didn't know what to say. Probably best that I didn't say anything.

It's hard dropping my kids off every other Sunday night. Makes me sad. This is not how I wanted to live. They seem unfazed, they are hard to read, but they seem OK.

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8672933
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 1:01 AM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

I hope you'll get better soon.

Don't bother, it could have been worse. You could be living in the same house with that crazy woman.

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8672940
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 2:40 AM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

I didn't know what to say. Probably best that I didn't say anything.

Just remind yourself before you see her that she’s probably been working on some new material for her act. Some hateful little gem that she’s spent the week polishing just for you. Just look at her for a beat as if she’s sprouted a second head then say “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 369   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8672974
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 3:00 AM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

You can get a court email set up. Run everything through that and block everything else. Why listen to that shit?

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8672985
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Notsure123 ( New Member #71460) posted at 10:42 AM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

Hi Daniel how are things going?

posts: 26   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2019
id 8677197
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Apparition ( Member #75755) posted at 2:52 PM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

Not much more I can say about STBXWW. She still blames me for everything. Even compared me to her alcoholic, verbally abusive father. I just can't even anymore...honestly...I don't drink (like at all), I don't do drugs and I've never been anything close to abusive to my children, verbally, physically, emotionally or otherwise...like he was...to be compared to someone like that is just so insulting I didn't know what to say. Probably best that I didn't say anything.

Hope things keep getting better and kids are hard to read, so stay vigilant with them.

In order to have an self esteem, waywards seem to need to create a villain to place responsibility for the waywards poor choices. its part of what keeps them unrepentant and without empathy. If they would just realize nobody has to be the villain, they must simply take responsibility and understand their poor choices and have empathy for the betrayed spouse damaged by their poor choices. Instead though; I keep seeing (and experiencing myself), this strategy of making themselves a victim. Its pathetic really and they are doomed to carelessly cause pain until they can examine and be critical of their own decision making and actions.

Keep it in perspective, its not even about you, its all about her not accepting her choices. I know the drill.

Me: BH
Her: WW (expert serial cheater)
Status: Divorcing

posts: 220   ·   registered: Oct. 28th, 2020
id 8677239
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SKY21 ( New Member #79158) posted at 2:16 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

New here and grateful for those who are here and me here.

What exactly is greyrock if anyone doesn't mind example or explainng.?

thank u

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: NJ
id 8677469
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SKY21 ( New Member #79158) posted at 2:16 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

New here and grateful for those who are here and me here.

What exactly is greyrock if anyone doesn't mind example or explainng.?

thank u

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: NJ
id 8677470
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Apparition ( Member #75755) posted at 2:44 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

What exactly is greyrock if anyone doesn't mind example or explainng.?

Firstly, Daniel, I hope each day gets better. Very interested to hear how you’re emotionally doing and what movement you’ve had in leaving the trauma behind and looking forward? It seems people have different timelines for forward looking healing.

As to the poster’s question, please search and read about the entire 180 method. I’d call grey rock a subset of 180, where 180 is getting focused on yourself, grey rock is guidance for dealing with abusive people (many waywards behave in emotionally and even physically abusive ways post DDay).

Medical News Today said grey rock is:

“The grey rock method is a strategy some people use when interacting with manipulative or abusive individuals. It involves becoming as unresponsive as possible to the abusive person’s behavior.

The technique may involve:

- avoiding interactions with the abusive person

- keeping unavoidable interactions brief

-giving short or one-word answers to questions

communicating in a factual, unemotional way

The aim is to cause the abusive person to lose interest and stop their antagonistic behavior, to protect a person’s emotional well-being.”

Me: BH
Her: WW (expert serial cheater)
Status: Divorcing

posts: 220   ·   registered: Oct. 28th, 2020
id 8677478
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 7:10 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

Dan,

How are things going? Has the divorce been finalized yet?

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 369   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8686855
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Elbell ( Member #25814) posted at 12:27 AM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

I know this post was long ago but I have to chime in to say I could have written this post. I have 4 D-days (4 different women, which is somehow a teensy consolation) so we can assume there were likely many other affairs or forms of infidelity (porn too)... this current one is the deadly one. I caught them having ice cream at BR at midnight when he claimed he was going for a drive to fend off a panic attack. rolleyes I moved out of our bedroom and 3 days later he moved in with her. He claims up and down and sideways that it's platonic and he's renting her basement. I know I know. Every time I lay down a boundary he gets pissed, and I hear he's slandering me from people who seem to (thank God) know better, or they wouldn't share that.

So... sucker punch after sucker punch. He's been building his "friendship" with her for 2-3 years, now he lives with her. He thinks he also still has me in some way - I can tell by how he uses his romantic voice and apologizes for hurting me and tells me he "still" loves me. But now with the boundaries and me holding up the mirror, he's getting pissed. I learned gray-rock long ago, just never thought I'd have to use it on the love of my life. So I will also be reassessing how I determined he would make a good husband.

posts: 807   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2009
id 8686926
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