Newest Member: Serenity7

Divorce/Separation :
Finally grey rock

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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 2:45 AM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

I suggest that you take a friend with you when you go back to retrieve what is yours. The friend can help you move the stuff and act as a buffer. It will help you take your attention off your STBXWW. Things will get better. Spend time with family and friends. Even think about dating soon just to meet some nice people. Don't have expectations when starting to date. The expectations will kill you. I speak from experience. Good luck to you and stay strong.

posts: 413   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8668466
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 DanielJK (original poster Member #75654) posted at 4:32 AM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

I really appreciate the support I get here. Thank you everyone.

I'm not doing the friend thing. She's no longer part of my life...just co parents, that's it.

I went to a wedding today...it really resonated and made me think about the past year of hell...one of the vows for the couple...something like..."I promise to love no other..." my STBXWW really screwed me and her daughters.

To see a couple so in love with each other and then think about how I was treated for year...by someone who was supposed to be my biggest supporter.

Reading here helps me. I really appreciate to posts.

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8668479
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leafields ( Member #63517) posted at 6:13 AM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

Hang in there, Daniel. Infidelity sucks. Grow to be the best version of you that you can be and be a role model for your kids.

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 637   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8668481
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 7:50 AM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

It’s hard to separate the affair from yourself.

But just know it’s the cheater who has issues - you are just the unwitting victim.

Live your best life — it’s the best revenge!

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10526   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8668489
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Karmafan ( Member #53810) posted at 8:57 AM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

I went to a wedding today...it really resonated and made me think about the past year of hell...one of the vows for the couple...something like..."I promise to love no other..."

I come late into this thread and have just read your story. If there are 50 shades of infidelity, you surely have experienced them all DanielJK! So sorry you had to go through all that….it’s a wonder you are still standing.

But the other side of the coin is that you get to walk out with a clear conscience and in the knowledge that you couldn’t have tried any harder to hang on to your marriage. Your XWW, on the other hand, will struggle to stave off the guilt and embarrassment for what she has done. She’s a woman in her 50’s, who has devastated a family to indulge in some strongly flavoured midlife crisis affair…try and get out of that one!

You’ll be the better off in the long run DanielJK. It might not seem like it now but you will be OK. More than OK. You’ll be fine. Just trust the process. Even if you can’t see the destination yet.

Me 47
XWH Irrelevant
D-day 23 Feb 16
3 amazing, resilient kids

You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop

posts: 632   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8668493
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 DanielJK (original poster Member #75654) posted at 1:45 PM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

Oh, and here's a good one.

My daughter just got her license and really needs a car.

I told STBXWW that I can't afford a car payment at the moment... I just dropped a ton of money on a house and I have to furnish it...think about it, I need all those little things, tons of them... garbage cans, stupid dividers for forks/spoons, pots pans, still waiting on a dryer...I took half from her house, but I still need a ton of stuff.

I told STBXWW I can't afford a car payment right now...can I get a few months of bills under my belt so I can see what expenses are going to be like? Maybe we can revisit in the fall?

She told DD1 that "daddy said you have to wait until the fall to get a car..."

Again, I'm the bad guy. My daughter can't get a car right now because of me.

I'll be having a discussion with DD1 this week to straighten that out. I'm open to suggestions. Maybe I shouldn't say anything to DD1 and address it with STBXWW?

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8668504
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ff4152 ( Member #55404) posted at 2:15 PM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

IMO I would calmly explain the situation to your daughter. Don’t badmouth her mom but if experience has taught you anything, your STBX will always paint you as the asshole.

Me -FWS

posts: 1856   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2016
id 8668505
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 2:26 PM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

“Because of the divorce and my new living arrangement we won’t be able to think about a car until the fall.”

No need to go into it further. You’re daughter knows why the D happened. If there’s a silver lining the used car market should be coming down off it’s current high by then.

If you determine it’s necessary to address it with the stbxww, just tell her that you are going to make every effort to not bad mouth her in front of the kids and you would appreciate the same from her.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 369   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8668506
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 2:39 PM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

You explain to her the necessary expenses related to the new house, which she is already aware of and say that this is a situation that you could not foresee, otherwise, you wouldn't wait for a second to buy her a car. You don't have to badmouth her mom but she already knows who is responsible for the situation.

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8668511
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J707 ( Member #63778) posted at 5:33 PM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

Just tell your daughter the truth. Leave the stbx out of the conversation. You can't afford to get her a car just yet and here's why.

You won't be able to control what stbx says, just keep your side of the street clean with facts. Your kids will see past her bullshit. So it's up to you to keep your side clean with no bad talking of the stbx. You'll probably forever be the "asshole" but kids are smart and see past it all.

posts: 1104   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2018   ·   location: Ca
id 8668538
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gmc94 ( Member #62810) posted at 3:33 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

IMHO, there is NO shame in telling a kid that you can't afford something. It can suck and hurt bc we want to "provide" for our kids....

AND

It's also a good effing lesson for them to see that we are responsible in managing our financial lives.

Good grief, I sound like a crabby old lady (and maybe I am)

next thing I'll be talking about how hard it was when we had to walk to school - uphill both ways, of course :)

The whole - should kids work during high school to pay for their stuff - is really difficult these days. They have to spend sooooo much time being perfect to get into college. the classes, the extracurriculars, etc don't leave a lot of hours for a part time job.

Yet, if a teen really wants something, IME they can figure out a way to make it work.

So you can't afford a car payment - what about something used (I got one of my kids a top of the line Jetta with 100k miles in mint condition for <$5k about 3 years ago)?

What about them contributing to the payment? And paying for their own insurance?

And waiting right now may also make good financial sense, in that everything I hear on the news says the chip shortage means cars aren't being produced, which has also put pressure on used sales (try and find a rental car these days - A colleague just had to do an emergency trip when their kid was in an accident 1000 miles away, and ended up having to rent a u-haul just to get around town.

Apparently the rental companies sold off their cars when Covid hit, getting cash flow and thinking they'd buy new when tourism returned, only to be met with low production bc of the chips).

Also, there is no shame in buying the things that hold your silverware from a yard sale, or goodwill. My parents put their $ into a giant house when I was a kid. We lived in a pretty swanky neighborhood in a house with rooms like that in Clue (solarium and library, anyone?).... yet it was all furnished 2nd hand (I still remember my mother being on the moon when they found a baby grand piano they could afford). We bought our clothes at Goodwill too. So, second hand shopping can be an adventure to share with your kids. I did it more than once, and I REALLY admire when my now adult kids use that experience in frugality.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3369   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8668617
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 4:22 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

Good grief, I sound like a crabby old lady (and maybe I am)

next thing I'll be talking about how hard it was when we had to walk to school - uphill both ways, of course :)

during a pandemic!

Yeah I was a crabby ol lady when I was 20

Djk, if your daughter absolutely needs a car, get her something old and used. My first car was a beat to hell 85 chevy blazer with darn near 100k miles on it and I looooooved it. I might also point out that your xww could also figure out how to get her daughter a car too instead of expecting her xh to figure it out for her. She's a single lady now so it's time for her to sack up and act like it.

Glad you're hangin in there my friend!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3140   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8668620
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leafields ( Member #63517) posted at 4:33 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

I started working when I was 13 as a dishwasher in a restaurant. My check went to my mom & step-dad to help with living expenses. I moved out at 18 and rode a bike to & from work till I had enough saved to buy a car.

DJK, I understand wanting to give her a car because I want my kids to have more than I did. Don't let XW guilt you into doing something that may not be in your daughter's best interest.

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 637   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8668622
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nomudnolotus ( Member #59431) posted at 5:41 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

I will never agree with parents buying their kids cars. If she really wants a car, she can get a part time job, save up some money, maybe you can tell her you will match her $ earned, but just handing them something doesn't teach any work ethic, or how to budget, or that you can't have every single thing that you want, or that it's not good to spend more than you have, or that your parents can't always bail you out.

There are so many lessons in not buying her a car, and sometimes you have to be the bad guy with kids, you are her parent, and someday when she learns those lessons and understands she will appreciate the value of doing for herself.

posts: 194   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8668625
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 7:48 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

I told STBXWW I can't afford a car payment right now...can I get a few months of bills under my belt so I can see what expenses are going to be like? Maybe we can revisit in the fall?

Why do you need your lying cheating wife’s permission on anything?

She told DD1 that "daddy said you have to wait until the fall to get a car..."

You should have talked directly to your daughter.

Again, I'm the bad guy. My daughter can't get a car right now because of me.

Sorry but you set yourself up. What happened to grey rock?

Get out of the victim chair and stop letting your wayward wife control you. That can only happen if you allow it.

Download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf and short.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8668630
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 8:19 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

Reflect back. Any good deed you try and do around your STBXW will not go unpunished.

No contact is your best option.

That is up to you. No one else. No one can mandate contact either.

When dealing with kids keep it to text or email.

You can control this. If you don’t your x will.

[This message edited by Marz at 2:20 AM, June 21st (Monday)]

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8668632
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BluerThanBlue ( Member #74855) posted at 1:05 AM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

If your daughter needs a car sooner rather than later, she can get a job to pay for it, along with the gas and insurance.

Your stbx isn’t the only woman in your life who needs boundaries, it seems.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 474   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8668812
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 2:22 AM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

DanielJK:

Marz is absolutely correct. I am sorry you are still in this, but you know that going through her, she will only say something negative, no matter your response she will twist it to be a negative. No contact is best. I recall a divorced BH with a very similar exWW. Checkout the posts from TheBard.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2794   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8668820
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 6:11 AM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Your daughter needs to understand basic math. “ I have this much money. I can’t afford anything except the basics. Get a part time job and when I can I will help.” And stick to your boundaries.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2905   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8668833
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 DanielJK (original poster Member #75654) posted at 1:07 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Thank you all for the feedback. I can’t say it enough. The love and support I get here are fantastic. I wish I could meet you all in person to thank you and offer my gratitude.

GMC94 – My first car was a 1970-something dodge duster…$800…and I’m hearing those stories too about rental companies and the used car market…I have a friend traveling and one rental company had something ridiculous like $1,000/day…and, yes I have lots of stuff from yardsales.

Marz – you have told me the same thing for a long time now…you were right the first time you told me and you’re right now…I know you’re right…It has taken me a long time to recognize how right you are, so forgive me for not taking your advice much sooner.

Fareast, ff4152 – twisting to the negative is her specialty, she gets it from her mother…everything in life that goes wrong, EVERYTHING…is someone else’s fault. Looking inward in her family does not exist.

My daughter is working a part time job, saving every check.

Here’s the thing about used cars…I’ve had absolutely terrible luck with them. My last used truck was a disaster, the stress, breakdowns, and money poured into that thing was just too much for me to handle…I spent more on that truck than I would have if I just bought a new one. It’s not the first time I’ve been burned on a used car. And I have a hard time buying a used car from a dealer…I know the mark-up they put on them and I have a hard time giving them that much mark-up (my father sold cars for a while, his number one piece of advice and I’m sure you all know… NEVER PAY WHAT IS ON THE STICKER!)

I’m looking into lease deals. I would like for her to have a modern car with the latest safety features. She can help make the monthly payments. The honda civic or the Toyota corolla seem to be affordable leases.

If I didn’t mention you specifically, doesn’t mean I didn’t read your post. I thank you for your input. I’m not going to say anything to DD1 at the moment. And I totally get having her pay for her own car, I fully expect her to pitch in.

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8668846
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