Newest Member: Serenity7

Divorce/Separation :
Finally grey rock

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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 1:14 AM on Monday, June 7th, 2021

Just remember you are only the “bad guy” according to one person. A lying cheating loser with no morals.

To the rest of the world you are the guy who is Divorcing a cheater.

Don’t let HER opinion matter b/c it doesn’t. Except to her.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10526   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8665458
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leafields ( Member #63517) posted at 4:55 AM on Monday, June 7th, 2021

DJK, hang in there. You're doing fine. Your STBXW is trying to get a response from you. Don't respond. It's tough. Narcs are a different breed.

Hope you're doing well.

FWIW, I get to file for D so he can say "my wife filed for D, I'm not the bad guy".

[This message edited by leafields at 10:51 PM, June 7th (Monday)]

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 637   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8665484
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TwoDozen ( Member #74796) posted at 8:24 AM on Tuesday, June 8th, 2021

How’s things Daniel?

Play stupid games ; Win stupid prizes

posts: 363   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2020
id 8665783
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 DanielJK (original poster Member #75654) posted at 1:01 AM on Wednesday, June 9th, 2021

Hey, thanks for checking in TD, you're a good man.

Thank you 1stwife and leafields...you guys have been there for me since I got here...I'll never forget it.

Everything is OK...my daughters are here this week so it's been nice to have them. They seem to like the new house.

It's been a busy few days, so I haven't had time to update.

My STBXWW texted on Sunday to say that my youngest was stressed about taking a new bus to school for the last week of school...STBXWW said "I can hear the anxiety in her voice..."

So I will give them a ride to school for the last week, no big deal. I wanted to say to STBXWW..."was it worth all this, asshole..." but I held my tongue.

I enjoy having my daughters here, it's fun.

Had to sit next to STBXWW at my oldest daughter's band concert last night. Court mandated divorce counseling says to sit together at events like that.

They are good kids...my older daughter's last school day is tomorrow...straight As all year, she gets to skip exams.

Just waiting on the attorneys at this point. Everything is basically split, I have what I want and she had no objections to what I took. I had no intent of fighting about anything, I just wanted out.

That's all I can think of at this point. Waiting on divorce...I'll try to help others here...I'll update when the divorce is final...then maybe move over to new beginnings when I set up an OLD account.

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8666034
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 2:38 AM on Wednesday, June 9th, 2021

Court mandated divorce counseling says to sit together at events like that.


What! Is this part of the mandated counseling agreement, something your particular counselor requires, or something that was added. It really doesn't make sense. The point of MC going into divorce is to have mediated contact. Throwing divorcing couple together just for ? doesn't seem smart.

posts: 736   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8666046
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 DanielJK (original poster Member #75654) posted at 1:41 PM on Wednesday, June 9th, 2021

Grubs

Yes, the three day, 3 hour each training sessions say that if you have a school or other activity for the kids...you should be together....that way after the event there is no awkward "which parent do I go to first" moment for the child.

I disagree, and I told my kids that as long as your mother is with AP her and I are not friends.

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8666104
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 2:08 PM on Wednesday, June 9th, 2021

that way after the event there is no awkward "which parent do I go to first" moment for the child

That can easily be remedied by sitting in the same general area close enough that your daughter can see both of you without changing her field of vision and then moving to stand “together” when the event is done. Of course, it would require understanding and cooperation from your stbxww so now I’m wondering why I posted.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 369   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8666108
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J707 ( Member #63778) posted at 6:35 PM on Wednesday, June 9th, 2021

Had to sit next to STBXWW at my oldest daughter's band concert last night.

Anytime I went through this I just told myself "I'm doing it for the kids." I enjoyed and focused on the band concert or awards ceremony or whatever it was. If exww tried small talk, I ignored. If I felt it was something I should answer, I did with a yes or no, just a grey rock answer.

posts: 1104   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2018   ·   location: Ca
id 8666181
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 6:59 PM on Wednesday, June 9th, 2021

Yes, the three day, 3 hour each training sessions say that if you have a school or other activity for the kids...you should be together....that way after the event there is no awkward "which parent do I go to first" moment for the child.

I disagree, and I told my kids that as long as your mother is with AP her and I are not friends.

Sounds like it’s suggested not mandated. MC’s are notorious rugsweepers. How awkward is it with your wife screwing her AP and destroying the marriage and family? I guess that’s ok with your MC? Yet you are gonna play happy family to pacify your cheating x and an MC moron?

Your kids aren’t stupid. Cut off the contact and tell them why.

You either grey rock or you don’t. Move on or stay tied up in this. You get to choose that. No one else does.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8666186
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BluerThanBlue ( Member #74855) posted at 12:27 AM on Thursday, June 10th, 2021

Yes, the three day, 3 hour each training sessions say that if you have a school or other activity for the kids...you should be together....that way after the event there is no awkward "which parent do I go to first" moment for the child.

Horse shit. The solution to this is tell your kids that they can greet whichever parent they see first and if you both appear at the same time, then you won't take it personally if they say hi to their mother first. Problem solved.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 474   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8666273
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 1:00 AM on Thursday, June 10th, 2021

A well thought out rule, the same should apply to APs and BSs, that way there is no awkward "which one do I go to first" moment for the WSs.

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8666278
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leafields ( Member #63517) posted at 5:43 AM on Thursday, June 10th, 2021

Hang in there, Dan. Create an atmosphere where they can just be themselves. It will have a profound impact on who they become and on their future. Establish boundaries, but let them know that your place is where they can be their individual selves.

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 637   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8666308
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josiep ( Member #58593) posted at 2:32 AM on Sunday, June 13th, 2021

You didn't fail that test you passed it with flying colors. She wanted this. She wanted the divorce. She doesn't get to keep you as her "helper" and the OM as her lover.

Keep up the grey rock it's working.

freeme

Nailed it!

Next school event, sit behind her or in front of her. That way your kids can see you both together but you don't have to be aware of anything she's doing, sighing, looking around, picking at her hangnails, etc.

And please tell me that "togetherness" rule doesn't apply if WW brings her AP??????

Keep up the grey rock. Answer with no emotion. There is no requirement that you have to answer her the second she contacts you. And if it isn't about the girls, ignore it.

Start taking pictures of you and the girls doing stuff together and silly selfies. Get prints made and hang them on your frig and frame a few for the bookshelves and next to your bed. Make your home all about them. The decorating style is "Father."

I'm glad to see you doing as well as you are. I know it's still hard but continue to have faith in yourself and your ability to navigate what life throws at you.

BW, 70 YO; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. Divorced.

posts: 3062   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8667069
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 3:58 AM on Sunday, June 13th, 2021

So glad you're hanging in there DJK.

As for sitting with stbxww, if you feel okay(ish) about doing that, then do it. I can tell you as a child who's divorced parents couldn't stand to be anywhere near each other (full disclosure that it was mostly my dad), any sort of event was horribly awkward for me to deal with. I always thought it would've been nice for me if my dad could've made the smallest effort to put his shit aside to do what was best for me. Believe me when I tell you that sitting next to your xww and showing up for your girls in that way matters to them more than you know.

Waiting on divorce...I'll try to help others here...I'll update when the divorce is final...then maybe move over to new beginnings when I set up an OLD account.

Don't be in a huge rush to date. Do you. Have dad time with your girls. Find things to do that nourish your soul and help you connect to yourself. Dating fresh off of infidelity, false R, and divorce isn't the best plan for anyone imho. Give yourself time to emotionally heal and have faith that when the timing is right, dating will happen organically.

And new beginnings doesn't have to be about dating anyways. My first post in NB was about a haircut I got that my xwh would've hated but made me feel like a badass. Your nb can be anything that makes you feel like you again!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3140   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8667077
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 12:32 AM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

Hey Daniel, how's it going?

I check your thread every day, I don't want to push you to say something, but haven't heard from you for a while.

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8668298
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 DanielJK (original poster Member #75654) posted at 12:53 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

Hey Guvensiz

Thanks for checking in. I'm still here...lurking. Reading the threads to see if there are opportunities where I may be able to offer support to others.

I'm doing OK. A little down...this isn't what I wanted. I didn't want to live like this, but I'm free from infidelity.

Still waiting on the attorneys...D should be final soon.

Had my daughters with me a week ago (not last week, the week before) and they will be here tomorrow for this coming week. It makes me sad when I drop them off at STBXWW's. My parents were divorced and I hated the drop off and having to leave one of my parents...it brings back painful memories. (Quick aside...my father would watch 60 minutes on CBS every sunday....and that ticking stopwatch...when I heard that ticking stopwatch at the end of the episode, it was time to go back to my mother's ...that fucking ticking stopwatch haunts me when I hear it).

I'm down, but trying to stay positive...doing some things to the house...spending too much money, i wish I could stop spending money...looking forward to Father's day with my daughters tomorrow...hope to set up an OLD page and dip my toes into OLDing.

As always, I appreciate the support I get here.

My STBXWW sent me a text the other day...said something like she wants to be friends and help me and "....be someone [ I ] can rely on." Someone I can rely on?Can cheaters actually hear themselves talk? Can they comprehend the nonsense that comes out of the lie hole? Rhetorical of course.

There is still stuff I have to get out of her house...but I ruptured my right bicep tendon and I can't lift anything. It sucks...I gotta break free but I still have to go back there, I'm dreading it.

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8668352
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 2:27 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

Stay out of the “friends” bullshit. This is for her convenience and nothing for you.

Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy.

Read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf download and it’s short.

Stop letting your cheating wife dictate your life and future. You don’t need her at all.

[This message edited by Marz at 8:28 AM, June 19th (Saturday)]

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8668370
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J707 ( Member #63778) posted at 4:35 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

Would you normally keep a friend that did and said what your stbx has done? I've walked away from friendships for way less. They all want to be "friends". It's a cheater way of saying what happened wasn't all that bad, see, we're still all buddy buddy! Nope. Keep your head up dude! Ignore her ramblings of crap. Ignore and eventually she'll get the picture and bug someone else with her nonsense.

posts: 1104   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2018   ·   location: Ca
id 8668393
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 1:51 AM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

My STBXWW sent me a text the other day...said something like she wants to be friends and help me and "....be someone [ I ] can rely on." Someone I can rely on?Can cheaters actually hear themselves talk? Can they comprehend the nonsense that comes out of the lie hole? Rhetorical of course.

You don't have to leave comments like that "rhetorical". I'd feel like a victim all over again if I didn't speak back to such dismissive rhetoric. We teach people how to treat us, right? I think it's perfectly okay to defend yourself from such graceless minimization of the abuse that's been heaped upon you. That's the beauty of divorce, the only beauty of divorce really... it's that you don't have to tolerate ANY of your WW's bullshit anymore.

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8668459
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 2:02 AM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

She continues to abuse you even from afar. I hope you kept going unanswering her messages.

Try to start doing the things you enjoy doing and the things you wanted to do but couldn't. Since you are a loyal person, dating other women must be at the top of these I guess.

I wish you a happy fathers day with your daughters.

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8668460
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