Newest Member: Issyibbitt

TwoDozen

Question about parents behaviour after separation

Not been here in a while. Not about to repost my entire storey but I find myself in a situation with no one IRL I trust to ask for opinions on this topic. So here goes.

Just heard from my Son that my mother has arranged to go to his mums (WexGF) for his 18th birthday this week. She arranged this directly with WexGF

Son will be at mine for the entire weekend so plenty of chance to have seen him at mine.

Am I justified to be so angry about this?

For context this is 4+ years post DD and 2.5 years post separation.

7 comments posted: Tuesday, March 5th, 2024

Update from Twodozen

Just wanted to stop by as I havnt posted in well over a year to let y’all know that I’m alive and kicking and doing well.

For those that are new to this journey please know that what you’re told on here, that time heals is true and you will get through this.

I’m just under 4 years from dday and I rarely think about the A now. For me my healing started once I figured out how to really do NC around 6 months after ending the R and moving out.

I do not believe I would have gotten to this stage if I had stayed in R. I believed in R and wanted R but my WGF couldn’t do the hard work required.

I’m now well over a year into a new relationship with a new GF who is roughly 15 years my junior. Has head firmly on her shoulders and sees me and accepts me for who I am. I couldn’t be happier.

Kids are fine. Work is fine. Life is good. Very good.

Big thanks for all the support from those who were here when I needed them.

Havnt been here for a long time as I needed to stop talking about As and get on with rebuilding my life. For that i apologise.

TD

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes 😊

9 comments posted: Friday, October 13th, 2023

3 years from Dday

Haven't frequented the forums much for a while. To be honest I needed the break. I have lurked a little bit and replied to a couple of posts but just mostly taken some time away in an attempt to put the A behind me.

Anyway I received a DM a couple of weeks back asking for an update on how I am doing and I thought maybe around the anniversary of Dday would be an opportune time.

So thanks to that person for asking and checking in on me 😊 you know who you are

No point rehashing the A, I posted frequently during our failed attempt at R and a little bit shortly afterwards. But suffice to say WGF truly broke my heart with her A and I hers when I pulled the plug on R. We were both essentially ill-equipped for R. I wanted to know everything and she wanted to forget everything. It was a recipe for failure.

So where are we now.

Well officially I moved out of the family home 18 months ago. We split amicably with no arguments about finances. Everything 50/50. We continued to live in each others shadow for around another 6 months with frequent excuse "for the kids" to have meals and days out together. Eventually I pulled the plug on this too because it was tearing me apart.

The last time WGF asked me to reconsider was about 6 months ago. It was horrible to see her so low.

In the last year we have continued to coparent amicably. True 50/50 on care and finances. We have managed to come together for school appointments etc without drama.

Kids are okay, they’ve adapted well but for obvious reasons prefer the comfort and convenience of their own house. It was the only place they had ever lived till I moved out.

I started a new job the same week I moved out and this is going well. It keeps me very busy. Too busy to be honest.

I started dating in March this year. The 1st was a stupid mistake when I misinterpreted my own feelings towards a friend when what I was really looking for was friendship. That one lunch date ruined our friendship I’m afraid as her feelings were romantic and mine only platonic.

The second was via OLD with someone who was truly amazing, who I cared for very much but unfortunately I just couldn’t see it being a long term relationship. We just didn’t have any shared interests. She became very keen very quickly and I called it off after 2 months which sadly broke her heart. I think of her frequently but I learned my lesson about NC with my WGF and I haven't seen her since.

And now I have been with my current GF also via OLD for almost 5 months. I’ve faced many of the same fears I ran away from with GF number 2 but I’ve managed to work my way through them. We are well suited, we share so many interests and our ethics are very similar. In another life I can see if we’d met earlier we both would’ve avoided the traumas we have each been through.

So that’s my update. I don’t have a crazy ex. I have met 3 phenomenal women who are not bunny boilers. I am financially secure. My kids are doing well.

But.

This still doesn’t feel like my life 🤔

Anyway I will have a few topics I’d like to talk through in future posts but for now happy to answer questions.

TD

5 comments posted: Friday, December 23rd, 2022

Family staying in regular contact with ex.

Just wanted to get the general consensus on this.

2.5 from dday
1year from separation

My family are staying in regular contact with XWGF

I don’t just mean being pleasant when bumping into each other I mean regular texting, popping round for coffee and attending bbqs etc.

I had some great news to share with my mother this morning which I only got last night and she already knew via ex.

Is this normal? Acceptable?

10 comments posted: Thursday, June 16th, 2022

Too serious too quick

So I posted a little while ago about how good NC has been for me. It’s not complete NC because we have kids but it’s as good as I can hope it to be.

Since going NC I felt better almost immediately and started dating a couple of months later. Initially I went on 1 date with a friend which I knew immediately was a mistake and that mistake broke her heart. We seem to have gotten through that and back to friends (ish)

I then met someone OLD and went on a 1st date a few weeks back. We got on well and have communicated daily since and met a few times for coffee etc (etc being a very encompassing term in this context if you catch my drift)

She is super keen on me and everything I do or say inadvertently only seems to cement in her mind that I am mr perfect.

Last night I had an overwhelming feeling that things were moving too quickly and a major panic attack ensued. I do like this girl but I am already conscious that for me I think this is a short term relationship measured in weeks or months not years, but that she is on the verge of saying the ILYs and daydreaming about running off into the sunset, it’s got me scared as hell what I do here.

Any advice on how to pull this current relationship back to casual / lighthearted and steer it away from the meeting parents and god knows what next stage?

15 comments posted: Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

Feeling low.

So last night was my first proper night out since separating from WGF. Just me and a mate, few beers, dinner, few more beers and a club.

Probably let my hair and my guard down more than I was planing to if you know what I mean and this morning I have a girl less than half my age texting me. Don’t even know how it happened or where we met etc I just know we was at the club together.

I feel f****** awful about it.

Nothing major happen just dancing and whatever in the club., no going back to anyone’s house etc but I feel like I’ve cheated. I don’t feel good about my behaviour in anyway, I don’t want to see this girl again I just wanna curl up and disappear

Why the hell do I feel like this. I’m free and single.

This is not the life I want to live I still just want my old comfortable predictable life back.

6 comments posted: Sunday, October 17th, 2021

Post separation finances

WGF and I are agreed on a 50/50 child care situation and will take care of any bills within our own individual homes

What is less clear are those bills that are neither her nor mine.

For example

She will keep our pets (I can’t take them) so will need to pay 50% of their upkeep

Kids clothes, hobbies, costs etc

Kids school friends birthday presents

How do you all manage the money that goes back and forth between you? We are agreed on 50/50 for all these things but how does that work in principle?

We currently have a joint account which we plan to close but would be ideal for keeping a “float” for these kind of situations however that leaves us financially linked and a credit risk.

We could send money back and forth each time one of us takes care of one of these situations but that sounds laborious

Eg

WGF “I’ve just bought DD a pen for school, it cost $1.20, can you send me 60 cents please”

What do you guys do?

TD

12 comments posted: Thursday, July 1st, 2021

Is this unusual?

Tomorrow I will exchange and complete on my new house, over the next few days I will slowly move out - but why slowly?

Well essentially we get on great, we don’t argue, I don’t ram her A down her throat and we enjoy each other’s company.

We have children who live in the same house and we are both showing them that we can be amicable or more than amicable

She has agreed to almost every single request I have made, we have without conflict agreed who will keep what, take what and where the kids will spend their time.

She has bought me gifts to furnish my new home and I have taken care of jobs that needed doing here in advance of my leaving this house (my kids primary abode) so she doesn’t have to worry about them

So how is this all possible - I don’t see a single other instance of this situation on SI, we are like a couple who have R’d without the R

Neither of us want what is happening but she could not deliver what I asked for and I cannot give her what she wants

My needs - NC / truth (she works with AP and doesn’t want to talk about the A so no IC and no timelines etc for me)

Her needs - Pretend it never happened just move on and be better to each other.

I have been going over and over this in my head, can we stay friends, should we stay friends - and ultimately I come to the same points

We are parents and have to coparent

If I had to exclude anyone who has cheated from my life that would be a lot of people and many who I am close to and rely on inc my best friend for life and father but many many others so what sense does it make to treat WGF any different? - would I be cutting my nose off to spite my face - she is facing the consequences of her choices by having to support herself financially and despite what I expected she is not blaming that on me for initiating separation. She is for the most part accepting responsibility for the outcome of her choices.

Is this the calm before the storm?

Are the any precedents for this situation here on SI?

TIA TD

38 comments posted: Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Update

So just heard from WGF to inform me that she’s dropped her signed paperwork in at the solicitors to instruct them to handle her purchase of my half of the family home

Everything else regarding mortgage applications / approvals / closing on my own new home etc is already underway so not being married this is about as close to initiating divorce as we get...

I’m not going to lie I shed a tear (or lots of tears) when I got her message this afternoon. I’ve been holding them in for a while now trying to fake it before I make it and havnt really had any kind of strong emotional days for a number of weeks now but this hit me today.

It’s a mixture of sadness, loss, anxiety, excitement, empowerment, grief, and all sorts of other mixed emotions but mostly this is a sad day, one I never ever imagined would come to pass.

If I was to compare, it’s nothing like the raw emotions of the 3 - 6 months post dday but compared to how I’ve been for a month or two it’s pretty strong.

Separating is going about as smoothly as one could hope for. WGF has agreed to any and all request I have made and we have so far continued to have a very amicable split. We get on so well and agree on almost everything besides the A which of course is a mute point now so life at home is harmonious and today’s step was as simple as agreeing who turn it is to put the bins out.

I still cannot fathom whether or not this is an epic game of chicken and who will blink first but regardless another step in the process has been ticked off.

18 months post Dday this still doesn’t feel like my life 😢

TD.

7 comments posted: Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

No Regrets

In the time I’ve been on SI (around 1 year) I have read and been told multiple times that no BH who has chosen to D/S has regretted it

Currently right now we have not 1 but 2 BH’s posting that for reasons of loneliness / children they do regret their decision to leave and they are considering or actively moving forwards with a new attempt at reconciliation.

In addition there are at least 4 BH’s (myself included) in the phase between telling their WW they want a D and actually physically separating, who for want of a better description are in and out like a fiddlers elbow.

My analysis of all of these situations indicates we have WWs who do regret their choice to cheat, would probably take it back if they could, are very forthcoming with ramping up the affection and focusing on any positive fallout of the A like closer connection, HB etc but for reasons that I just cannot understand cannot (or will not) accept the negative consequences such as lower trust levels, adjustments to their daily lives to make their spouses feel safe (transparency, NC etc)

My observation from the posters stories are that these WWs are not inherently bad people, made terrible choices, sadly doubled down on these terrible choices by refusing to acknowledge the BH’s pain and now years down the line are still trying to rugsweep.

I’m not entirely sure what the point of my posts is but I guess I have 2 questions

1. Are the 2 posters mentioned above genuinely the first BH’s that have come back after D/S and said they regret their decision to leave?

2. What is going on with our WW’s who desperately want to stay M but even when faced with the ultimate consequence of D/S can’t or refuse to accept the proven steps to achieve that? Why is D/S an easier pill to swallow than what you are asking them to do?

TD

18 comments posted: Thursday, May 20th, 2021

IC recommended Esther

Just looking for thoughts. Currently In amicable IHS with STBXWGF in early stages of discussing separation agreement and telling kids.

It’s clear that neither of us want S but that neither of us are prepared for the hard work of R and WGF is unwilling to accept any of the consequences that come with it.

WGF has quite her IC after 3 sessions and said it was a waste of time.

My IC knows that I still love my WGF and last night suggested that I take separation off the agenda for a bit to see if I become okay without the NC I asked for, the issue that drove me to start the S discussion in the first place (AP is a colleague) She also suggested I read Ester Perrel

Is she suggesting I try to rugsweep? Or is there any value in listening to what she is saying?

TD

59 comments posted: Wednesday, April 7th, 2021

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