Newest Member: Serenity7

Divorce/Separation :
Finally grey rock

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blahblahblahe ( Member #62231) posted at 6:17 PM on Wednesday, June 2nd, 2021

Never fill any of the needs of the X.

It gives them the benefits of you and the comfortable family with ZERO in return.

Actually less than zero as it causes harm while they get enjoyment of the boyfriend.

posts: 298   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2018   ·   location: Europe and USA
id 8664490
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 6:32 PM on Wednesday, June 2nd, 2021

learn to grey rock. Not only are they not suppose to be able to depend on you, they are not able to get any form of emotional support or even reaction from you. IT means to totally ignore everything, or be as lame as a rock. Simple one word responses that make them go away.

Think about it this way. If you have a friend that you ask to go fishing, and they say no. Time and again, they so no. After awhile you get the hint and you stop asking your friend to go fishing with you. That is exactly how you want to train your ex. That you are not going to ever accept the invitation to anything she has. She will learn and eventually go away.

posts: 1144   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8664499
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TwoDozen ( Member #74796) posted at 3:04 PM on Thursday, June 3rd, 2021

Just checking in Daniel

How have things been this week?

TD

Play stupid games ; Win stupid prizes

posts: 363   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2020
id 8664691
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 DanielJK (original poster Member #75654) posted at 2:12 AM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

Thanks for checking in TD.

It's been OK. Very little contact with STBXWW.

Kids will be here this Sunday, I made arrangements with the school to have the bus pick them up/drop them here for next week starting Monday.

Still have a profound sadness wash over me now and then. It's been a f-in year now. I still have a hard time accepting that this happened to me.

I'm looking forward to having the kids here. Spent the last couple of days setting up their rooms. Beds, bureaus, and a TV for each room. I think they are going to like them.

Bought a lawnmower today...I'm running out of money.

Getting settled in the new house. Tonight was the first night I could sit in the recliner in front of the tv, felt good.

You guys are the best. Thanks to everyone for the support, I really needed it. I don't know what I would do without this site. I'm not doing any IC at the moment, but I've seen 4 different ICs over the past year...none if them hold a candle to the advice I have received here. I give up on IC.

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8664873
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Venus1 ( Member #77144) posted at 6:39 AM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

@Daniel - I have been reading this post over the last couple of weeks and I’m so thankful to learn about your experiences. Your WW seems like a textbook abuser to me.

Today while I was walking the beach (got myself away for a few days to get a break while the STBWXH moved the rest of his stuff out of the garage), I came across this perfectly smooth grey rock that fits right in my pocket. I picked it up as a symbol to remind me to grey rock the h3ll out of my STBX. I’ve already done as much NC as possible, but grey rock when having to communicate is key for me right now. And it’s amazing how he immediately noticed my “lack of emotion” and how he just can’t “process me ignoring him and creating this nasty environment”. He’s moving in with the AP, but he wants me to emotionally support him through our divorce!? LMFAO! You are getting a dull rock moving forward buddy.

Also, I get those profound waves of sadness too. But you should be proud of yourself! I’m so glad you will have the kids with you starting Sunday, that you are making your space special for them and yourself, that you are prioritizing yourself, etc. keep going my friend. You’ve got this!

[This message edited by Venus1 at 12:46 AM, June 4th (Friday)]

Me: BS (39) Him: WS (40)
13.5 years married, 16 years together
D-day: 1Jan2021 Confronted: 2Jan2021
Currently Separated after confirmation of 'exit affair'
Filed for D May 2021

posts: 113   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2021   ·   location: California
id 8664897
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TwoDozen ( Member #74796) posted at 9:27 AM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

Daniel re IC I’ve had a similar experience

IC1 told me my WGF was having a MLC and to wait it out and make the “marriage” a good place to be. She told me to do the PMD !!

IC2 could not understand for a second why I was so patient, kind and loving towards WGF, he didn’t think any options other than S existed (turns out he was right) but didn’t give the me tools to do it

IC3 basically said you need to decide what you need from WGF, So i put together my needs, she then said tell WGF these are your minimums and be prepared to walk if she doesn’t meet them. I gave my needs to WGF, she couldnt meet them so I initiated S. In my next meeting my IC told me that of all the clients she’s ever had we are the 2 most in love and I am making a poor decision and should maybe relax my list of needs (which included NC by the way) she flat out told me I would regret this in the future

So i stopped looking for an IC who was going to give me the answer I wanted and started looking inside my head.

S sucks, I know it’s going to be hard, I know there are times in the future when it’s going to tear me apart, but

4 months ago I could barely go a minute without mind movies and panic attacks and since I initiated S (albeit not physically yet) on my terms, I have secured a new job, found a house, started a new hobby, don’t spend every waking second on SI or infidelity blogs looking for answers, those answers don’t matter anymore.

The way I look at it I now have the opportunity to have a 2nd life. The 1st life for the most part was good and of course I will miss it. I did things as half of a whole that I enjoyed but I didn’t do everything I wanted to. Now I get to do what Twodozen wants to do, if I want to have a 7 foot Easter island head in the dining room, I’ll have a 7 foot Easter island head in the dining room. If I want to go trekking in Iceland, I’ll book time off and go trekking in Iceland.

I don’t think anyone will ever get as much of Twodozen as I gave to WGF, those walls are up. I hope in time I will find a companion whose company I enjoy but she will likely never get all of Twodozen.

That’s what WGF wants, she wants all of me again. But sadly I am the only person in the world who cannot give her that, she can likely find that with almost every other male on the planet but the damage she did to me means she cannot get it from the one person (today) that she wants it from.

This is the reality, she needed to move her lines in the sand and meet me at mine. She couldn’t do either. So I focus on the positives as best I can.

Do you think I can get a 7 foot Easter island head on Amazon?

TD

Play stupid games ; Win stupid prizes

posts: 363   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2020
id 8664905
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 DanielJK (original poster Member #75654) posted at 3:09 PM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

Been trying hard grey rock.

I took all the tools, she said "I need some things or I'd like to be able to borrow things when I need them." Yeah, how about no.

Got a text today "can I borrow the measuring tape?" I did not respond. How about you buy a measuring tape you fucking c...(sorry, I cuss sometimes).

She calls an hour later, I did not answer...message "this was a test to see if you would pick up, you didn't fail to let me down."

Again, I'm the bad guy. I'm the bad guy? She fucked me over for a year and I'm the bad guy.

She has no clue the damage she has done. And the entitlement, good God the entitlement.

Thanks...had to get that out. I know you guys understand.

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8664987
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 5:12 PM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

She calls an hour later, I did not answer...message "this was a test to see if you would pick up, you didn't fail to let me down."

You've got to ignore that too. It's another test. She baiting you to make sure she's still in control. She want's her freedom to date OM but still have the stability you provide. She want's to call on her "husband" to fix things, get things, answer things...

You didn't fail that test you passed it with flying colors. She wanted this. She wanted the divorce. She doesn't get to keep you as her "helper" and the OM as her lover.

Keep up the grey rock it's working.

posts: 2802   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8665086
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 5:25 PM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

Hang in there. You are doing well. One day all her crap will have no effect on you. You will look at her with indifference mixed with disgust.

posts: 413   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8665098
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Venus1 ( Member #77144) posted at 6:15 PM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

I can relate to this SO MUCH Daniel! I too am always to blame for my STBXs affair/bad behavior and he always tries to make me the ‘bad guy’. Anything I say or do is wrong.

My STBX had the b@lls to tell me one time that if “I” changed my behavior, he “wouldn’t have swayed”. As if his cheating was my choice or my fault somehow. Can you believe that? Just last week he told me that it was my fault that he has ‘financial hardship’ because I am forcing him to pay for his cars as part of our separation. Um, they are your toys (you have 3 of them) and you took them and the keys (even spare keys) when you moved out. My STBX told me that he deserved to go ‘find himself’ and ‘find something that was different’. Who cares if it was at my expense, but the entitlement is disgusting! My STBX also calls and calls and calls, and when I don’t pick up the phone, leaves me obnoxious messages like your X. Or better yet, if I don’t respond, he just does what he wants and doesn’t respect my boundaries. Our arrangement is that if he needed anything from the garage, he needed to give me advanced notice that he would be accessing the house. But, if I don’t respond within two min of his text, he will just come over because it’s ‘his garage’ and ‘his things’.

But don’t forget, she’s just trying to ‘bait’ you! My STBX, just like yours, is the one who manipulated, lied and cheated! They thrive on that ‘supply’ and the drama. Mine lied for years and cheated on me with some cam whore and is now moving in with her. How the he!! he doesn't see it is absolutely unbelievable. But, our Xs need that supply from us while they run off into the sunset with their APs. Don’t take the bait … you are better than that.

There is this song by Lily rose called ‘Villain’. Look it up on Amazon Music or iTunes and give it a listen. Here are some of the lyrics. It’s helped remind me that my STBX will say whatever he wants to keep his fantasy narrative alive, to keep manipulating me, to keep baiting me. It reminds me to keep strong, and to not worry about what he says to people or does. Because like you, we know the truth of what happened. It feels unjust as h3!!, but the right people in your life will see through her lies.

“You can be the hero, I can take the fall

If that's how your story goes, say it's all my fault

Whatever helps you sleep at night

Yeah, you can make me the bad guy

Make 'em all believe it

If that's how you're feeling

I can be the villain”

Keep going ... you've got this!

[This message edited by Venus1 at 12:17 PM, June 4th (Friday)]

Me: BS (39) Him: WS (40)
13.5 years married, 16 years together
D-day: 1Jan2021 Confronted: 2Jan2021
Currently Separated after confirmation of 'exit affair'
Filed for D May 2021

posts: 113   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2021   ·   location: California
id 8665120
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 6:58 PM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

Keep going Dan- Not answering is the right approach. Don't worry about the tape measure...LOL, shes a fucken grown woman, she can go to the hardware store and buy one. Simple as that. You are no longer her husband, you are essentially enemies and you don't help the other side until the other side is done being at war with you. And even then, I'm not sure you even do that.

Keep letting her calls go to voicemail, and her text messages not answered. She's baiting you and being mean. No need to respond.

posts: 1144   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8665137
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Tigersrule77 ( Member #47339) posted at 7:43 PM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

Freeme was absolutely right. You did a good job of ignoring the bait. Good on you. That would have been hard for me.

"this was a test to see if you would pick up, you didn't fail to let me down."

I shouldn't be surprised, but the audacity of WS's sometimes still amazes me. So when she was tested by the opportunity to nail the OM, does she assume she passed that test? Good grief! More evidence that she is a terrible, self-centered person, who has no compassion for you and only thinks of herself.

DJK, once again, I congratulate you on controlling yourself. Continue to ignore and focus on your healing. I hope you enjoy your time with your kids.

posts: 1511   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8665154
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 8:07 PM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

Again, I'm the bad guy. I'm the bad guy? She fucked me over for a year and I'm the bad guy.

Nope you’re doing great. Stick with it. You don’t owe her shit. You owe yourself everything.

She has no clue the damage she has done. And the entitlement, good God the entitlement.

Bud, when are you going to learn. SHE DOESN’T CARE.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8665160
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 8:25 PM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

I am always amazed at the entitled people who feel they have the right to drive their bs crazy. Please accept the idea that her brain got put in backwards. That’s the only excuse I can come up with to explain her. Ignore her. She has no rights over you anymore

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 2:26 PM, June 4th (Friday)]

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2905   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8665165
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gmc94 ( Member #62810) posted at 8:38 PM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

you didn't fail to let me down

Man. If that ain't the pot calling the....wait. You aren't even the kettle here :)

I gotta say that I doubt I could be grey rock on that one. First response would probably be to ask her boyfriend for a fucking tape measure.

Second would not be so kind.

When is your D final?

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3369   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8665173
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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 10:23 PM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

You've got to ignore that too. It's another test. She baiting you to make sure she's still in control. She want's her freedom to date OM but still have the stability you provide. She want's to call on her "husband" to fix things, get things, answer things...

Agreed. This game they play is so frustrating too because there are no awards if you play along. There is no prize or praise coming from her if you make this the easiest, most amicable separation ever. You'll just be out a measuring tape and she'll still bad mouth you whenever she feels like it. NC is your best friend no matter what she does or says.

posts: 4961   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8665188
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 DanielJK (original poster Member #75654) posted at 11:33 PM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

gmc94...I don't know when divorce is final, just waiting on the attorneys to put it in writing.

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8665199
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 2:02 AM on Saturday, June 5th, 2021

Again, I'm the bad guy. I'm the bad guy? She fucked me over for a year and I'm the bad guy.

She has no clue the damage she has done.

This is what she wants; make you react and angry. You did very well by being unresponsive. You may not have passed her f.king test but who cares, let her be the one pissed off. I bet your kids are more mature than her.

She knows all too well the damage she has done. And she wants more.

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8665217
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J707 ( Member #63778) posted at 8:24 PM on Saturday, June 5th, 2021

You're doing great! Tape measure, hahaha! That's a good one!

I made a list of stupid shit my exww said or texted me while grey rocking or NC. I wrote down what I would have said back to her. It's actually pretty funny looking back. Like your non response of "How about you go buy a tape measure..." It helped me to write down my response that I wanted to reply with.

posts: 1104   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2018   ·   location: Ca
id 8665308
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blahblahblahe ( Member #62231) posted at 8:53 PM on Saturday, June 5th, 2021

You did very well, next she will try to lure you. She wants to explore getting back together, perhaps it might have been a mistake or something more tentative but it will be something.

It is almost like they have a playbook.

ZERO response and disconnect is the only way.

posts: 298   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2018   ·   location: Europe and USA
id 8665312
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