Newest Member: Serenity7

Divorce/Separation :
Finally grey rock

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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 10:41 PM on Thursday, May 6th, 2021

Daniel and SheHawk -

The bitter ex trope is all a part of rewriting the marital history and making you look like the bad person.

Who in the world would not be upset after being cheated on, lied to in the face, dragged through court to pay both spousal and child support to a cheating unremorseful spouse would not be upset/bitter. I would like to meet this GOD, b/c that would take a whole hell of a lot of Grace, which I tried to give to the ex, but it can only be limited.

I'm not moved on from this WW of mine, and in a happy place, but still, the infidelity and continued support stings. So yea, we are allowed to be bitter. But coming from them, they just don't see themselves as a bad person, or that their affair was bad in anyway. They've glossed over it b/c looking deeper internally and admitting fault are not strong suits of a cheater. Its just not.

Like I said in my earlier post, no one is the bad guy in their own story. Not the serial killer, not the child predatory, not a shady politician. They are not going to accept that they're a bad person in most cases. Very few WWs will ever completely admit to being the shits that they are. So YOU get to be the bad guy in their story. Simple as that.

posts: 1144   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8657322
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 12:51 AM on Friday, May 7th, 2021

^^^^^ yep.

It’s a lot easier if you aren’t on the receiving end of infidelity.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8657348
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J707 ( Member #63778) posted at 1:20 AM on Friday, May 7th, 2021

There sure are a lot of bad guys in these stories of the unremorcful's. But there's one common denominator.

Sincerely,

A bad guy in an unremorcful's story

posts: 1104   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2018   ·   location: Ca
id 8657354
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 3:01 AM on Friday, May 7th, 2021

Humor is the best way to deal with stupidity.

This is a way I use often. Actually, not because I do it specifically but it is very fun.

If someone is trying to fool me and thinks I don't notice it, I make fun of him/her. Usually I justify them initially, serious in intonation. But then I make fun of it to show their stupidity. At this stage, I sometimes can't stop me from laughing or smiling, this drives them even more crazy.

For instance, in your situation, I would apologize to the same people for the toxic environment that I created too. Then I would say that I couldn't do anything to fix it, but that my STBXWW could sleep with their husbands if they wanted to. Then I would continue with sentences that exaggerate the situation; how she was a good person unlike you, how much she enjoyed seeing people happy, that the expression of happiness on the faces of the men she slept with was priceless etc.

It shows them, first, you don't buy their bullshit, second, you don't care and have fun. If you react them with anger they like it. Supposedly they justify their righteousness in their own way.

Anyway, there isn't much time left. I wish you patience.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 9:02 PM, May 6th (Thursday)]

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8657370
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Adira ( Member #77327) posted at 2:05 PM on Friday, May 7th, 2021

She’s realised the end is nigh, so she’s embarking on a smear campaign to take you down. Go hard grey rock & NC all the way to the end. Let her flail about, looking foolish.

Me BW, STBXWH covert NPD
2 teenage kids
M: 24 years, together 27 years
3x DDays: 08/2017; 10/2017; 02/2018 with the Hobbit Howorker.
False R: 02/2018-12/2020
Currently in IHS

posts: 62   ·   registered: Feb. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8657491
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 DanielJK (original poster Member #75654) posted at 10:49 PM on Friday, May 7th, 2021

So I get a text from STBXWW today:

"At this stage of things, with all that has been said and done, all the mutual hurt, money spent, and emotional damage, is it even possible to turn things around and recreate our marriage?"

She wants to talk to me tomorrow.

She's been exposed to her daughters now and is in full blown panic mode.

Sucks when unicorn fart land has to end.

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8657776
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 11:28 PM on Friday, May 7th, 2021

At this stage of things, with all that has been said and done, all the mutual hurt, money spent, and emotional damage, is it even possible to turn things around and recreate our marriage?

Do not meet with her Daniel. My exWW said something similar, in a ruse to try to get me to shut up and not tell anyone else. She really didnt want me to air out here dirty laundry. She tried turning it around on me, and saying our dirty laundry. NOPE, I didnt cheat, its just yours to deal with. Then she also said that it would be very hard to reconcile if you continue down this behavior.....WTF??? Are you serious? She may try like my ex to hang a carrot out there like, if youre a good little boy, I may consider coming back to you. FUCK NO.

Listen, nothing you said, nothing you have done caused this. She is trying to rope you in to thinking you are part of the blame. YOU ARE NOT. If you meet with her, she will just lie to you some more, gaslight you some more, and try to push some of the blame on to you. Reread that text. YOu are half to blame in her mind, but in fact this is all on her.

Do not meet with her. Your only response to her should be "NO THANK YOU". Any and everything you write can and will be used in your divorce. So a polite NO THANK YOU is your best response to thumb your nose back at her, without looking like a dick in the eyes of the judge.

posts: 1144   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8657784
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WontBeFooledAgai ( Member #72671) posted at 12:13 AM on Saturday, May 8th, 2021

DanielJK, we seen this movie before. A few times already. It sucks and it always ends badly. Nothing is redeemable, not even the popcorn.

Don't get sucked into this again. Do Not Meet!

posts: 287   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8657795
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BetrayedGamer ( Member #78456) posted at 12:54 AM on Saturday, May 8th, 2021

Do you believe she's 100 percent sincere?

Me BH (51) her STBXWW (47) AP (30)
D-Day 3/14 (3 months before our 7th Anniversary)
Multiple Rs requested but she refused
She moved out May 1, D final on 6/24
No biological kids, 1 stepdaughter

posts: 157   ·   registered: Mar. 6th, 2021   ·   location: CO
id 8657802
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 DanielJK (original poster Member #75654) posted at 1:44 AM on Saturday, May 8th, 2021

I swear they follow some kind of rule book or went to cheater school for this shit.

I spent a year begging her not to do this...now I have a house closing on the 27th, I'm literally 3 weeks from moving out...and she's been exposed to her daughters right in front of her face (it felt good to say that i can't stay married to your mother while she is dating kurt to our daughters right in front of her)... now she is sincere all right, sincerely trying to cover her ass.

I can't do it. She will always be friends with benefits with AP...always. what's stopping her? He had a girlfriend at the time, she was married...that didn't stop them...what's going to stop them next time? And the last time they had sex was 4/16...just 3 weeks ago...I'm now one year from dday and now she wants to talk!

She's fucking crazy. I would have given anything to hear this 6 months ago.

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8657807
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 1:51 AM on Saturday, May 8th, 2021

As far as it is understood from the text, everything is mutual, so you have half the responsibility. At least of course, it can be %90 you and %10 her during the talk.

There is not the slightest improvement in her, I think you shouldn't talk.

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8657808
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 3:16 AM on Saturday, May 8th, 2021

She’s wanting to avoid consequences but what’s that get you?

And she maybe looking for a soft place to land. I’d bet it’ll be only on her terms only. Beware.

I would have given anything to hear this 6 months ago.

What would you be getting back?

[This message edited by Marz at 9:19 PM, May 7th (Friday)]

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8657815
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 3:25 AM on Saturday, May 8th, 2021

“At this stage of things, with all that has been said and done, all the mutual hurt, money spent, and emotional damage, is it even possible to turn things around and recreate our marriage?"

What marriage ?

Mutual hurt? Sounds like she’s asking what are you going to do to fix this.

Cheater script. Ignore.

[This message edited by Marz at 9:26 PM, May 7th (Friday)]

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8657816
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leafields ( Member #63517) posted at 4:08 AM on Saturday, May 8th, 2021

Daniel, stay NC. My XWH said to his sister that he could see me as a bitter old divorced woman. Projection. He's bitter and defeatist. Our kids don't want to be around him.

It's part of the narc cycle. Don't get hoovered back in.

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 637   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8657821
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 DanielJK (original poster Member #75654) posted at 11:52 PM on Saturday, May 8th, 2021

I managed to avoid her today. I don't think I'll be able to do the same tomorrow. She's gonna want to have the "can we save this marriage discussion." She asked me 10 times what I was doing today...I managed to have something to do all day and now I'm working my part time job until midnight. She already asked me what I'm doing tomorrow. She wants to have the talk. I'll listen to her, but my response is going to be "you will always be friends with benefits with AP, always! I cannot live like that."

Only 18 days to go.

I never thought my STBXWW was capable if this. Serious questions:

What is it with WSs in general?

Do they not realize that they are playing the safe game? "I'll dabble on the side because I always have the safe space to fall back on."

Do they not realize they are doing this? Is it a conscience decision? Or is it a subconscious thing and they don't even realize they are doing it?

It's clear in my case. The safety is gone and I can literally see and feel the panic in my STBXWW. Does she not realize that she played the safe game for too long and now the safe place is gone?

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8657917
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 12:25 AM on Sunday, May 9th, 2021

DanielJK,

If she wants to keep the marriage going to preserve her resources/status, she'll promise/say anything. There is no upside to a meeting.

You should NOT meet with her. You can simply refuse to meet and just physically leave if she approaches. Any interaction should be entirely "grey rock".

posts: 217   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8657921
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gmc94 ( Member #62810) posted at 1:36 AM on Sunday, May 9th, 2021

Just don’t be home tomorrow

Get a hotel if you must

Go to a friends

Go to the zoo

It’s Mother’s Day and you can stay away under the auspices of letting her have “her” day with the kids.

Grey rock and NC mean just that.

If you must listen to her, then listen, and say thank you for sharing that

And WALK AWAY

You don’t need her validation of your feelings

You don’t need to explain yourself in ANY way

As Brene Brown would say, we share our stories with those who have EARNED the right to hear them. Your STBXWW has NOT earned that right - including the parts of your story WRT to the M or her cheating.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3369   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8657931
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WontBeFooledAgai ( Member #72671) posted at 1:53 AM on Sunday, May 9th, 2021

DanielJK, do not take the meeting. Please do not. Surely there is someplace you can drive just to hang out.

She is going to say the same stuff that roped you in all of these other times while giving you a puff of her own proprietary blend of Hopium. OP aint going anywhere though.

DanielJK, I am really concerned by this last post of yours, frankly. By saying you will "listen to her" you are already on a slippery slope to conceding.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:27 PM, May 8th (Saturday)]

posts: 287   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8657936
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 DanielJK (original poster Member #75654) posted at 3:12 AM on Sunday, May 9th, 2021

I'm not going for it, trust me...my new house is purchased, closing is scheduled, deposits are made, the home inspection is complete, appraisal next week, mortgage is locked (2 7/8, you can't beat that), movers are booked, insurance is paid, lawyers are hired, everything is done...there is no going back.

I can't avoid it, she's going to force the conversation on me. We still live in the same house, it's hard to avoid. I have no interest in staying with someone who is so distrustful.

She doesn't know that I figured out the password to her phone. She still contacts him... as recently as Thursday night (AP "just think of me spooning you" STBXWW "that would be nice")...but she wants to talk about how we can salvage our marriage. Good God does this woman hear herself talk?

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8657945
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 4:03 AM on Sunday, May 9th, 2021

She wants to talk to you so she can manipulate you easier. There's nothing that needs to be said that badly at this point. Tell her your calendar is full for the next 4 weeks. She can text or email anything she needs to say. Go for a hike, a ride, visit mom's whatever. Just stay away from her when you are not there for the kids.

posts: 736   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8657956
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