Newest Member: Imthecheater


Me BH (51) her STBXWW (47) AP (30)
D-Day 3/14 (3 months before our 7th Anniversary)
Multiple Rs requested but she refused
She moved out May 1, D final on 6/24
No biological kids, 1 stepdaughter

What shows did you binge post D--day, during S or waiting for D?

For me:

Luke Cage (got bored with it)

The Umbrella Academy (season 1)

Into the Badlands (season 1, partway into 2)

Needed action and sci fi, light to no romance.

8 comments posted: Tuesday, April 13th, 2021

Contact with the WS after D

This is a question of the peeps without biological children involved, which obviously creates the need for contact with the WS. I'm looking for opinions on whether contact with a WS is ok, or not healthy, and how others have handled it.

I've been thinking lately of what things will be like after the STBXWW's move out date (May 1st). Will she defriend me on FB (she hasn't yet)? Will she block my number? Will she send friendly texts or just delete my number? Also, I don't know what I want...I know I'll heal faster with NC.

Today the issue actually came up. The stepdaughter just had to put down a sick dog at the other household, and they already put another dog down earlier in the year. She's upset that her life is going from 6 dogs at the beginning of the year down to 2 (2 put down, 2 staying with me). So we had a conversation about them being able to borrow the dogs on occasion. It's a good reason to keep contact IMO. I just don't know how it will affect me.

48 comments posted: Saturday, April 10th, 2021

Mental techniques and the psychology of pain

Forgive me for the weird post, a little drunk and in a hurt spiral at the moment. I'm looking for encouragement/validation/suggestions for dealing with depression, specifically memory manipulation. I have a (4 year) degree in psychology and I know the power that memories hold. As I near the end of my 7 year marriage, one in which I was happy, I'm trying to work on forcing memories out of my head. I'm working on removing all external stimulus...deleting pictures, making the ex take all the stuff around the house that we acquired together, etc.

I've been trying to remove memories as they surface, especially when I try to get some sleep, which is a crapshoot most days. I know that the subconscious will bury memories of trauma, I'm wondering/hoping that there is a way to do the same with conscious ones. When a memory creeps in, forcing me fully awake, I'll concentrate on it, then gently push it away and think of something else. I think it works, at least in the short term. I'm wondering if memory manipulation in a conscious state is even a thing, or am I just deluding myself and not really doing any good. Wondering if anyone has heard or read of such a thing, or if anyone has suggestions as to what they do so that memories of a life once lived do not haunt them and distract them from working on the future.

Does any of this make sense or am I rambling?

12 comments posted: Saturday, April 10th, 2021


I have a degree in psychology, which makes things kinda weird because I tend to self-diagnose a lot. I know that feeling sad going through a divorce with a betrayal is normal, even healthy. I welcome the pain sometimes like a masochist. I know healing will start when she's gone and I don't have the same wounds ripped open daily.

What I worry about is longer term depression. I used to think depression was sort of a myth, that "it's just being really sad." That was until about a year before I met the STBXWW. I lost both parents in the span of 4 years, and my mom (the 2nd one) to a particularly unpleasant death a month after a serious relationship breakup. Then I learned what depression was really like.

Went through the double-grieving process like what I thought was normal, then something unexpected happened. I would have days or hours of untriggered euphoria, then I'd have the same with intense sadness...again with no triggers. It got maddening because I never knew when one feeling or the other would happen, and it would screw up a lot of plans I'd made. Caused a lot of spontaneous sick days. At the time I did nothing about it, figuring time would make it go away. Meeting the STBXWW seemed to help, with the whirlwind romance that blossomed quickly.

I know it's going to come back. As a veteran I can go to the VA and get treatment/antidepressants for it. I know it's going to be bad and I'm in for a rough ride. I also don't necessarily want to get hooked on a "crutch" the rest of my life. I'm not anti-medicine, but I don't ever want to be on any sort of pill (outside of supplements) that I HAVE to take long term. Looking for opinions/advice from people that have done antidepressants. Do they work? Are they something that a person can "kick" down the road? Thoughts?

[This message edited by BetrayedGamer at 1:27 AM, April 6th (Tuesday)]

8 comments posted: Tuesday, April 6th, 2021

Trusting again

So I posted a few weeks ago in the Just Found Out section about my wife wanting a divorce (7 year marriage), saying we've grown apart, when in reality she is having an online affair with a gaming friend of hers. I tried 3 conversations to try and save the marriage, on the 3rd one she finally admitted to the affair, so we're both fully focused on the divorce. I filed earlier this week. We are in complete agreement on how to split the assets (I keep the house and the dogs) and if all things fall into place she should be moving out mid-to late April.

While the logistics of the divorce are not causing any additional stress, every night she sits in the living room playing this game with her new boyfriend, and if I'm in the kitchen getting something I constantly overhear her saying "I love you" and other flirty things about planning their life together. The feelings of rejection and betrayal are overwhelming at times...saying to myself "you are better off without her" doesn't seem to help at all right now. For the first 6 years I thought I had met someone as my equal of moral character and integrity...all gone in a couple months of online flirting. She was my best friend, I never thought she was capable of this.

How do I get past these crushing emotions of rejection...I know it will get better once she is gone but even late April seems an insurmountable challenge to reach. More do I ever trust again? I've been cheated on before (by girlfriends) but each of those times I saw signs ahead of time and chose to ignore it...this time it was by the last person on earth I expected to cheat on me. I am anxious to date again, but no matter how nice someone comes across now how am I ever going to think they couldn't do the same thing to me?

[This message edited by BetrayedGamer at 8:07 PM, March 25th (Thursday)]

54 comments posted: Thursday, March 25th, 2021

Feeling lost and betrayed

So almost 7 years ago I met this women from Match, my first profile I was sent actually (I had moved over to Match from being a long time Eharmony user). It had been over 20 years since my first divorce, I was very comfortable in my own skin and comfortable being single. We hit it off immediately, we had so much in common! We got married in less than a year afterwards, bought a home and an RV together a year later.

Everything was great until the pandemic. Both her and her daughter (from another marriage) were home at the time. While we love our family time, having 2 people work and one person school under one roof, day after day, got us all on edge. Tempers often flared and the “romance” of our relationship started to fade. One of our common interests is gaming…video, board, card, camping…pretty much anything. There was this video game we used to play 2 player (split screen) that also has an online component. One day we tried playing the online version and got hooked. It meant we had to take turns, but we loved to watch each other play at first. Eventually we got familiar with other players and would occasionally be in a voice chat with them. I grew bored with the game but she was addicted, so when it was my turn we’d play other 2 player games or I’d play something alone. She got more and more involved in the social voice chatting element, eventually it became an all night thing. Then an every night thing. I was expected to either watch or go upstairs and watch tv anytime she was home. I tried joining the chat as well, getting to know these people. They seemed like nice guys. One of them, a 30 year old (my wife is 46) got especially close to my wife, eventually his Facebook was on her account and he was calling & texting outside of the game.

About a week ago I was fed up with it. After asking to play something together and being refused, I stormed up stairs to take a nap. She came up and gave me the third degree about being constricting to her and not letting her have freedom (wait, isn’t marriage about a partnership?). I told her how I felt, emotionally abandoned, unimportant, unloved. She said she doesn’t think it’s going to get any better. I left the house a bit to cool off, came back and had another conversation with her. It boiled down to the fact that I wasn’t affectionate anymore and that we had nothing in common (which is pretty laughable because we have more in common than not). Another conversation turned into she wants me out of the house and to give her space. She has refused every attempt that I’ve conversed with her at trying to fix this, going to marriage counseling, or trying to talk it out anymore.

We came to a compromise that I would stay in the guest room and try my best to “be invisible”. She hasn’t specifically said “divorce” but has been indicating it. We’re technically separated. I don’t want to give up on the marriage at all. All of her concerns she’s given me I understand and want to fix. And I’m not even the one having the online affair! I really want to do marriage counseling, so we can talk this through with a neutral party.

My questions are this (thank you to whoever has read this far):

I have (and continue to think up) new things to say that may convince her to at least try marriage counselling, yet the only thing she’s asked of me is to give her space. However I overhear (not eavesdropping, just can hear occasionally) her discussing on the phone (with family or the 30 year old guy) convincing herself out loud she’s making the right decision. I know her and know she loves to justify things over and over out loud. Do I continue to give her space and wait this out or interject my thoughts on fixing things before it gets too late?

I know I’m not healing at all being in the house with her. Do I move out to focus on myself or again, wait it out? If there’s any chance of saving this I am willing to put up with anything.

Should I even be focused saving the marriage due to how she’s treated me?

35 comments posted: Sunday, March 7th, 2021

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