Newest Member: Notarunnerup

Chaos

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

Activity no longer brings me Joy

Something pre DDays that used to give me joy was window shopping. The act of wandering aimlessly in stores, etc. looking at the seasonal displays. Mentally filling my cart and re-decorating everything. Or mentally wearing all the latest and greatest fashions. Things that usually exceed my budget but the visual fantasy makes me smile and feel all giddy.

Post DDay, however this does not bring me joy. I realized this the other day. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was walking through a favorite store cursing those poor cute fall decorations to Hell and back. Ever since DDay, I avoid doing anything other than going into a shop, getting what I came for, and leaving. Attempts at window shopping at best leave me feeling empty and at worst saying "fuck you" to all the lovely seasonal items and outfits. I usually end up leaving and weeping a few moments in my car until my system is purged.

For a while I blamed the pandemic and the overall hopelessness type vibe I felt when just going in for just my necessities [only to see limits and lines and empty shelves] and leaving. But no – I realized it was before all that. It was a DDay related thing. I remember my teen even telling WH when I took her Christmas shopping years ago shortly after DDay 1 telling WH that mom just looked so sad walking around and how that was so unlike me.

Now, things are going well in the Land of Chaos. There is no specific trigger associated with this activity. This is just something that changed unexplainable.

I’m curious if this happened to anyone else – something that used to give joy now doesn’t for no apparent reason?

23 comments posted: Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

Trigger that just won't die

Anyone else have those things that are just going to be lifelong?

I have a few. Trust me that's pretty good. A few years ago that list was lengthy and all encompassing. It was a scroll really. These days it is just a handful. And most of those are specific dates.

The one that rears it's head most unexpectedly is the subject of hotel's. The LTA hook ups were only in hotels. Varying locations, durations and qualities. But only in hotels.

Occasionally overnight travel would be beneficial for one reason or another. However, I'd rather drive through the night than stay in a hotel. This subject came up again recently where WH suggested we stay. I could feel the anvil on my chest return like Roadrunner dropped it from a cliff.

I tried once a few years ago. Epic fail. My hand shook so hard I couldn't open the door. Seriously - at least a dozen attempts and I couldn't get that freaking key card thingie to work. WH, however, got it to work in one try. It was a disaster after that. I spent most of the night at the event we attended in the bathroom trying not to have a panic attack. And after that look at least 3 showers just so I didn't have to look at that room, that bed, that set up. We argued all the way home - more specifically I cried and ranted all the way home.

We've driven through many a night after that. WH as well. He knows it hard. I recently told him I didn't think that would be something that would come back. I just can't. I've overcome most things - but a hotel - that just where LTA happens. That's LTAP land.

We did have a long discussion - and I still feel we'd be better off driving through the night [and pull over if necessary] than stay in a hotel. And while I have an emergency Rx for panic attacks, etc. I'm not a fan of taking it if I have another option. WH can sleep - I'll drive.

But right now I'd rather many horrors than a hotel.

Anyone else? Anyone have things they just can't do anymore - anything that is collateral damage?

22 comments posted: Tuesday, August 10th, 2021

WH is out of town

WH is out of town today. He left at 6am and will be home around noon tomorrow. He and a buddy went fishing. Yes, I know this to be fact - no I am not concerned.

WH and I are in a good place. But the PTSD from the 4.5 year LTA and then the 2 years of LTAP cyber stalking resulting in a Cease and Desist earlier this year is taking it toll on me.

So far today I have taken myself out for coffee, grocery shopped, scoured the sinks, 6 loads of laundry, emptied the dishwasher, some mending, balanced the checkbook, cleaned out a long neglected closet and steam cleaned all the carpets. I'm winding down.

And now I am again aware of the rapid beating of my heart and feeling of the anvil on my chest. I'm better when I'm busy. But am too exhausted to be busy and I have a long night alone ahead of me. I'd like to avoid the rabbit hole and keep that Lizard in the Brain in hibernation.

Recognizing the PTSD symptoms for what they are is a good step for me. Knowing I have a Rx of an Anti Anxiety med is comforting - and while I haven't taken one in a long time [right before the Cease and Desist had to be done months ago] I'm telling myself there is no shame if I have to take one tonight.

I even noted all this in the notebook I keep for IC.

I guess, my point of this post - is to throw it all out then and so I know that I'm not alone.

6 comments posted: Saturday, July 31st, 2021

4 year Antiversary of DDay1

Well – my 4 year Antiversary of DDay1 just passed and I had no idea. I realized it when a FB memory popped up of the day after – where my then 14 year old daughter and I went to lunch – desperately trying for a sense of normalcy and a break from being at home. In that photo there are 2 smiling people and anyone looking would have no idea we were so traumatized. The effort that took still boggles my mind.

Yes – the LTA then went underground for another 15 months before I found out and ultimately exposed to OBS. Then there was the visit to the local precinct due to that aftermath and threats put out on me by LTAP. And we just recently had to send a Cease and Desist to LTAP when we discovered LTAP cyberstalking and attempting to reach out using fake profiles.

4 years. Both seems like the blink of an eye and an eternity at the same time. 4 years I’ve lived with the truth that my WH had a LTA. At times I feel like Atlas carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. At times, I can almost forget this happened to me. At times I feel in-between.

I’ve learned a lot about myself and my own resiliency. I’ve learned a lot about WH. I’ve learned a lot about toxic people and how scary some really can be. I learned I can hold others together while my own world is falling apart and learned that I can keep others from knowing. I learned that doing so may be effective but really isn’t healthy. I learned I can’t pour from an empty cup and made my self-care a major priority. I’ve learned WH had a side he kept very hidden [he’s since had a shit ton of IC]. I’ve learned there is no shame in IC and currently am going again myself after this Cease and Desist thing. I’ve learned it OK to not be OK. I’ve learned to ask for help. I’ve learned to lean into the triggers and feel the feels. I’ve learned triggers happen and suck but we can learn to process them. I’ve learned to have a plan and a backup plan (for triggers, for marriage, for life). I’ve learned there is a world of healing and help out there [thanks SI]. I’ve learned to keep fu*king going. I’ve learned the world will keep on turning – it up to me if I want to hide in the basement or dance in the sun.

Some days, I do wonder when this became my life. Some days I do hurt. Some days I do succumb to Lizard Brain. Most days, I just go about the business of being my usual BASGU [bad ass sparkly goddess unicorn] self.

Infidelity has changed me. I won’t let it define me.

6 comments posted: Monday, July 12th, 2021

Dreams of AP

They've been constant and disturbing. Last night's was that LTAP showed up at a club and whacked me with a lead pipe in the face causing me to lose teeth and in the leg to the point we couldn't get the bleeding to stop.

So there I was (in the dream) seeing all the blood, feeling all the pain and carrying my teeth in one hand applying pressure to the would with the other begging for anyone to bring me more napkins.

I woke up - and hours later still am - quite disturbed by this.

Anyone else?

14 comments posted: Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

Hypnosis

IC wants to explore this with me and my PTSD due to LTA and LTAP cyberstalking/trying to come back.

Anyone else try this and if so what are your thoughts? Did it work? Did it help?

2 comments posted: Friday, May 7th, 2021

Reclaiming my vacation spot

Suggestions for reclaiming my vacation spot?

For those following along LTAP recently tried to come back and a Cease and Desist letter had to be sent. During discovery phase with OBS it appears LTAP had been cyber stalking us for a long time.

One thing I am having a bad time with is that I learned after decades of her and her family vacationing at one spot – this year she convinced OBS to go to a location that is WH and my spot. That is no coincidence. A mild consolation is that they will down there a few weeks before we will.

On one hand – I don’t want to cancel my vacation nor do I want her to run me out of what has become WH and my spot over the years. When IC asked about this I was pretty immediate and emphatic about not cancelling.

On the other hand – I don’t want to spend the entire week in 1 big trigger [did LTAP eat in this restaurant, did LTAP shop at this store, did LTAP buy one of these same tank tops, etc].

I am having a hard time of it to the point where I can’t l have no more interest to look at our countdown calendar or wear any of my previously bought tanks/hoodies from that location. I’m mechanically shopping for our stay but sans my usual enthusiasm.

I won’t let her take this from me but I’m having a hard time of it. WH knows this and is hell bent for leather on keeping this OUR spot and not letting her infiltrate it for us. WH also wonders if OBS will say f*** that [since he knows what/why LTAP wanted to do it now] and cancel [we'd have no way of knowing] But I am struggling.

I did mention to IC that this is something I would like to focus on.

20 comments posted: Tuesday, April 27th, 2021

Healing from Infidelity

By Michelle Weiner-Davis

“The divorce busting guide to rebuilding your marriage after an affair”

My new IC recommended this book to me today. I have downloaded it to my Kindle.

I’ve been seeing her due to PTSD due to LTAPs cyber stalking and attempts to get back with WH (a Cease and Desist letter had to be sent recently).

Anyone read it? Thoughts?

2 comments posted: Friday, April 23rd, 2021

Connecting Songs

I see a few threads in other forums about various song types. So...I was curious - what are your go to songs for us that are in and/or attempting R.

I'll go first.

To Love Somebody - Bee Gees

There's a light

A certain kind of light

That never shone on me

I want my life to be lived with you

Lived with you

There's a way everybody say

To do each and every little thing

But what does it bring

If I ain't got you, ain't got?

You don't know what it's like, baby

You don't know what it's like

To love somebody

To love somebody

The way I love you

In my brain

I see your face again

I know my frame of mind

You ain't got to be so blind

And I'm blind, so, so, so blind

I'm a man

Can't you see what I am?

I live and I breathe for you

But what good does it do

If I ain't got you, ain't got?

You don't know what it's like, baby

You don't know what it's like

To love somebody

To love somebody

The way I love you

You don't know what it's like, baby

You don't know what it's like

To love somebody

To love somebody

The way I love you

You don't know what it's like, baby

You don't know what it's like

To love somebody

8 comments posted: Thursday, April 22nd, 2021

Kayak

WH and I are thinking of getting them. We have been for a while. Now with our kids grown we have the time.

And I'm overwhelmed with it all - so many choices and options.

Don't want or need top of the line. We live on the East Coast [around the middle] and there are lakes/water within 20 min in any direction. I am a fair weather outdoorsgirl so if it not warmish - I'm not going.

WH is looking at a fishing set up. I'm just looking for something comfortable and practical. I want to enjoy some water, nature and experience exercise and peace.

Recommendations?

15 comments posted: Friday, April 9th, 2021

Hello P.O.L.F. my old friend

I’m tired. So tired. The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. LTAP after 2 years NC trying to come back – me finding it and telling OBS and WH. The drama that ensured. Ending with WH hiring at attorney to send a Cease and Desist letter and the attorney [after hearing the details] nicknaming LTAP Fatal Attraction.

I’m tired. So tired. I thought I was done. I emerged more freaking sparkly than before. AND WE DANCED.

Now, you can’t keep a glittery girl down. But she can curl up under a sparkly blanket and sleep a bit. I’m too damn exhausted and done to traverse the POLF again. This time you’d think would be different – because the attack was from the outside [in his way WH was victimized by LTAP too this time] but instead of making it better it has made it harder. Because I was right. She didn’t stay in her lane even with me outing her to OBS 2 years ago. She didn’t pour herself in her marriage and work on rebuilding herself or her family. She laid in wait. And she didn’t strike – she slowly infiltrated seemingly anonymous. Fake profiles, cyber stalking, she had been monitoring our lives for the past 2 years and we were none the wiser. WH shot her down before, she tried again a few months later, I figured it out and again blew it up. I’m kind of resentful of that.

I hate POLF – that vast void. The nothingness from all angels with no end in sight. The introspection and self-reflection required to survive. The long sleepless nights and grueling days of going through the motions. The exhaustion from the fronting to keep it from anyone else’s RADAR.

Yes – I am using all the tips and tricks in my Arsenal of Chaos. Sparkly undies – check! Bold lipstick – check! Strong cup of coffee – check! EAP/Dr. on speed dial – check!

I’m really not sure what the point of this is – but this got to me more than all my other DDays combined. I thought I was done. I thought I was safe. I thought WH and I made it. I had just told him so.

If I am really honest, I’m trying to avoid the POLF again. I don’t much like that place all the while knowing it is necessary. The anger has subsided. The tears long dried up. So now, I sit at the edge just a sparkly pile of goo trying to find the strength to jump in.

19 comments posted: Monday, March 22nd, 2021

Inspirational Quotes

While talking to a friend the other day, sadly about a mutual acquaintance being busted for infidelity and how he's currently shacked up with someone levels down from his STB xBW, she said...

THE WEAK ASSEMBLE, THE STRONG SURVIVE

This resonated with me on every possible level.

What are some quotes that resonate with you that way?

8 comments posted: Friday, February 26th, 2021

Hotel - Hell NO

WH and I have been doing great. 3.5 years from DDay1 and almost 2.5 from DDays2/3. We are dancing and connecting. He’s being forthright and empathetic.

And there it was this weekend – BAM – a trigger from out of nowhere and my knee jerk reaction was off the charts.

We are traveling out of state for an event (following all protocols of our area) – but it is a 2 hour drive.

When discussing it recently, WH asked if I wanted to think about getting a hotel. And before that word was even out of him mouth – and I realized what I was doing – I stood up and screamed NO and ran out of the room, which caused me to clip the corner of the coffee table and sail over it crash landing in the hallway in my bathrobe. Hint – I did not look all superhero like in the movies – it was a train wreck of a look and I have a nice bruise to show for it. I did jazz hands after I landed though despite being a crumpled blonde heap of fleece [got to stick that landing] doing lame ass jazz hands. It wasn’t pretty.

When I initially yelled & stood up – I did hear WH mutter something under his breath about “guess we can’t stay in a hotel ever again” but then I flew through the air not with the greatest of ease and he got very concerned.

The empathy was there. And the care and compassion. And a productive discussion occurred once I dusted myself off. I really didn’t know how strongly and emphatically I would react to the mere thought of that. I meant what I said but the delivery was not what I intended. He felt gently throwing it out there as an option could be perceived helpful so we weren’t driving home in the wee hours of the morning. He knew I may not be ready. He knew I may not want to do it. He didn’t know how the suggestion would elicit such a spontaneous knee jerk reaction which is why he [tried] to phrase it gently and only have it be a suggestion. All is well in the Land of Chaos. But damn.

WH and LTAP always hooked up in hotels. Sometimes for quick romps. Sometimes for long weekends together. Sometimes she’d be in town and he’d “visit” when I thought he was at work or watching a game with a buddy. Hotels are a trigger. Combine that with LTAP’s BD being February 14th – UGH. It threw me for a loop. A bigger one that either of us could have anticipated.

But WOW did that intensity come out of left field so far out. The trigger didn’t surprise me but the intensity scared the bleep out of me.

I did all the standard Chaos coping mechanisms – upped the self-care (long hot shower with lotion, face mask, etc), made a cup of decadent coffee, wore fancy undies and a glittery lip-gloss – just to do household chores.

Has this happened to anyone else a few years out?

19 comments posted: Tuesday, February 9th, 2021

A funny story about empathy

I’ve been teleworking a few days/week since the pandemic started. This change has created anxiety in my cat who’s on again/off again litter avoidance issues are back on.

So…I’m in my office and the cat piddles out of the box – just off the pad so it makes a mess on the floor. I’m shocked it happened right in front of me and exclaimed from my office “you b*tch – you f*cking b*tch”. WH from the other room comes running yelling “what – what happened – what did she do” and I’m pushing past him to grab the enzymatic cleanser and paper towels. I’m still grumbling and muttering under my breath and he’s trying to give me space but still help all the while saying “just tell me – I can’t help you unless you tell me what she did”

He finally gets to my office to find me on the ground moving things around and cleaning. When I saw him I said “she peed on my fucking floor” And he’s like “OH…the cat. I thought it was HER – and she’d sent something to you”. I look at him confused – it really took me a while to register what he was saying as I’m scrubbing cat pee of the floor.

And then – I laughed. Hard and fast. Until tears were running down my face. He was giving me empathy and I couldn’t figure it out. Then we realized we were both talking about 2 different things. And we both laughed. A bit awkwardly but laughter nonetheless. The Who’s on First of Infidelity speak LOL.

I went back to work a while and this kept playing out in my head. And I realized. There it was. He’s a fight or flight guy and his first reaction to my outburst [he assumed was about AP] this time was empathy. And it was nice. And I couldn’t stop smiling and chuckling over the miscommunication. His first swift and immediate reaction to my [perceived AP] outburst was empathy.

It warmed my heart. And I told him. And he smiled.

5 comments posted: Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

And we danced

This weekend I was at a small gathering [in line with my area’s restrictions]. Music was played and people were dancing. I love dancing. Like no one is watching. WH and I danced. Then…. slow song came on. And we slow danced. And in that moment I felt good. I felt OK. I felt connected. I felt love.

But it was profound and it did hit me that dancing in his arms – I felt warm and good. Not staged. Not fronting. Not forced. Not pretending. Warm and good and natural and love.

Days later – it still amazes me and the feeling is still good. I haven’t told him yet. I should.

23 comments posted: Tuesday, January 26th, 2021

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