Newest Member: Goku06

Chaos

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

Birthday Triggers in the Land of Chaos

This is my birthday month. And I wish I could hibernate until it is over. I hate my birthday. I never used to. But I do. I don't remember my birthday following DDay1. It was still so very much a blur.

My birthday before Ddays 2/3 is the one that haunts me. It was a milestone birthday. WH and I were rebuilding. I thought we were doing so good. It had been 14 months since DDay1. My actual birthday was midweek. WH went all out. The weekend before, he arranged a trip for me and 3 good friends to the beach. It was my first girls weekend ever. It was magical. The week after he threw me a huge cookout with all my friends and family. And arranged for a few out of towners to come in for it. It was another magical day. In those 2 things I felt like I'd reclaimed myself. I felt special again. That word reverberates. Special.

Then...a few weeks later - BAM! DDays 2/3 where I told OBS. And in sharing information with him, I realized the weekend I was at the beach - LTAP was all in a snit because WH wanted her to come into town that weekend and she couldn't due to plans. Our then teen said Dad was a grump all weekend but I thought that was just because he had to assume all household and parental responsibilities and face it - those are no fun. The following weekend, the day after my magical party - WH asked if I minded if he went and watched the games with friends. How could I refuse? I was still floating on the high of my magical birthday festivities and truly feeling like his grand gestures were all for me and his way of showing his love. He let me go about packing up all my leftovers for him to take to the event all the while thanking him for restoring my faith in him and our relationship. While telling him how special he made me feel again. And how I'll never forget such a perfect celebration. He took my leftovers and his lies and holed up in a hotel with LTAP.

Since then - I've wanted nothing to do with my birthday. I pretended it didn't exist and mandated he do so as well. I just had didn't care. I went through the least amount of motions I could when he and the girls got me cupcakes and cards. I cried myself silently to sleep.

Last year it was an argument of sorts. He wanted to do something for me and I said no. I stayed in my cocoon. He asked why I wouldn't let him make things up to me? I calmly [and that surprised me] explained that I did. I did let him make it all up to me. On that milestone birthday I thought was special and magical. And all the while it was a bunch of subterfuge.

So, with this date fast approaching, I find myself filled with anxiety again. I find myself fueled with the conflict of wanting my cocoon yet realizing that just ins't practical. I find myself resenting the fact that I have to pretend to be happy for everyone else who wishes me a happy day. You can't respond by saying "f*** my birthday". You can't scream from the mountains "if you really cared you'd pretend it didn't exist with me"
And you can't reclaim something you tried to reclaim and it just served to f*** you over [or at least I am no where ready to do so].

WH asked me this morning how I wanted to celebrate as it on a weekend this year. I flat out said I wanted to pretend that it didn't exist but know that really isn't practical to do so. So just understand I have to pretend to be gracious to well wishers knowing all the while each time is another dagger to my heart. I told him I didn't say this to be cruel or rub his nose in it all - but he needed to hear the truth. I realize that puts him in a no-win situation and frankly SI, I really just don't care. I'll stoically accept whatever he, our kids and our friends want to do. But how I wish I could hibernate until it was over. How I wish that the date could be obliterated from everyone's minds. How I wish that day on the calendar just disappeared.

I'm not even sure of the purpose of this post other than to get it all out there. And hope that in some way purging my system of this to those who may understand is helpful in its own right.

I know this sounds horribly selfish and a serious lot of "first world problems". So if you are still reading, I thank you. I can only hope the typing of it all out helps me as much as I hope it will.

15 comments posted: Monday, September 12th, 2022

Irrational blame

Why is it when anything goes wrong – my knee jerk reaction is to blame LTAP?

Case in point – our favorite local restaurant closed unexpectedly. We loved going there. We were regulars. That was our favorite date spot. We spent many hours there connecting. It was special and sentimental. We rebuilt our post A relationship there. And it closed unexpectedly. And I am gutted. And all I can irrationally think is "there’s another thing LTAP took from me"

Some explain this Gila Monster of a Lizard in my brain please.

3 comments posted: Thursday, August 25th, 2022

My first U.T.I.

Gah! 53 years old and I have my first. And I don't like it. I drink my 64 oz water daily, I exercise regularly [with varying intensity]. I eat balanced. And I got my first UTI.

Any helpful hints from those who BTDT?

Pants and shorts are NOT my friend laugh Good thing it summertime because maxi dresses
& sun dresses are my friends.

PS - as this is SI, I'm sure y'all know the "panic" when I realized something wasn't right down there. I am happy to report that I told WH I made an appointment to get this checked out and why. That I think it may be my first UTI but I'm not going to sit and wonder - or to to Walmart and try to self treat. He looked at me and gently said "I'm sure your mind is racing, but I promise you a UTI is the only thing it could be" I thanked him for the reassurance and understanding and told him I did google for my own curiosity. And given history, all testing must be done. He sadly understood but wanted to offer reassurance.

I am happy to report - it us a run of the mill UTI and the practitioner said if I've lived this long without one - I should count my blessings LOL. However she also complimented me on mentioning my fears and concerns and coming in when I did no matter how scared I was. Many women have caused themselves more problems [and some lifelong] by not being honest with their doctors or themselves.

8 comments posted: Sunday, August 21st, 2022

Someone called me by her name

So here I was at a work training sessions with a few coworkers (one shares the unfortunate name of LTAP).

While I hate hearing that coworkers name every day - she is a really nice person and good at her job.

But the other day at training neither of our logons worked. We gave the representative our names a few times. Then wrote them down. First and last.

Well the guy must have meant well. And he was very busy. But he morphed our names together. And you guesses it. Called me by her first name / my last name.

I froze. And was dying in the inside hearing that out loud. As that was LTAP fantasy.

But even though I laughed and played it off. I haven’t been the same since. It threw me for a bigger loop than I thought possible. I’ve been holding it together outwardly. But inside I’m not OK.

Is this a test of sorts? Was the universe speaking to me? Am I overly sensitive?

Tell me SI. Give me some words of wisdom to stop the wound from bleeding.

15 comments posted: Thursday, June 30th, 2022

Conversations with a wayward

Over the weekend I found myself at a gathering and ended up encountering a wayward. Someone who was around during the LTA. Who was in the know. To what degree is a variable, but in the know to some extent. Someone who's D was recently finalized and who now finds himself alone with nothing. Random conversation ensued. And that SOB looked me in the eye and said "you know Chaos, Infidelity is a symptom of a bigger problem". And
Holy Surreal Moment Batman! I looked him dead in the eye and said "No, wayward, infidelity is a choice."

Now y'all may be thinking - Chaos, why in the world are you hanging out with these people? I'm not. Not intentionally. But sometimes you find yourself at an event where people know people who know people and BAM! there one is.

So...here I am, sitting there all BASGU that I am. And I find myself unable to escape infidelity. And it sucked.

I explained to WH the next morning why I was in such a "mood". He calmly asked me why I was talking to the guy knowing he was a WS. Well...it was polite chit chat among a large group of people OR I'd go all Jackie Chan on the guy in public [OK - in my head that's what it would look like. In reality not so much but the end result would be the same]. I said when I could have unleashed Holy Hell and let Chaos Reign so to speak, I chose kindness in the end. Karma is going to have to sort that one out.

But seriously, WTF y'all...

11 comments posted: Monday, June 6th, 2022

Conversations with a wayward

Duplicate post

0 comment posted: Monday, June 6th, 2022

Conversations with a wayward

Duplicate post

0 comment posted: Monday, June 6th, 2022

I bought a Kayak

WH and I got kayaks. We wanted to do that for a few years, but stupid budgetary responsibilities LOL.

So...we got them over the weekend and can't wait to use them [my vest had to be ordered - as I'm built like a Modern Day Marilyn - I need a vest designed for a woman - those unisex ones weren't butting it for me].

Anyway - kayaking SI buddies - give me some tips! We live not far from a local municipal park that has a 300 acre reservoir.

For reference is is the Pelican Bandit NXT 100 which is supposed to be good for beginners. She's blue (because they didn't have the pink). And she's beautiful. WH got one as well but that is designed for fishing.

I need a name for new kayak. I'm working on accessorizing her.

I'd love name suggestions as well as tips, tricks, helpful hints you all may share. Looking forward to gliding along the water and letting my mind go blank except for the peace and tranquility.

8 comments posted: Tuesday, May 31st, 2022

Grooming for potential APs

Just have to throw this out there – because I’m still miffed about it days later.

When out and about at a concert at a smaller venue this weekend I had the following experience:

WH was up front close to the stage and I hung towards the back (more his music than mine) close to our group's table, a dude came up to me and asked if I’d watch his drink while he went to the rest room. I didn’t think anything of it as bad things can happen to a dude’s unattended drink too. And I’m firmly in the "never leave your drink unattended" camp. He came back in a few minutes, retrieved his drink and thanked me. Then told me he asked me because I was the prettiest girl in the room. I thanked him for the compliment and then took a sip of my own drink (water) with my left hand so he could see that I was indeed wearing wedding rings.

The evening progressed and as I was settling up our tab during the last song (to beat the rush), the man approached me again. He asked if I wanted to go towards the back of the room, get a cup of coffee and maybe talk a bit and get to know each other. I looked him square in the eye and replied "my husband wouldn’t appreciate that". Dude said "I can respect that" and walked away. I muttered under my breath "bullshit" and a buddy of WH overheard it all.

WH buddy (who is a BS himself and actively talks of boundaries) actually said "good for you – it rare to find someone so true – especially when they don’t think anyone watching" I replied "that’s how it done. But I’m pissed off because he knew I was married – I’m wearing rings". WH buddy reminded me some are just out looking and that many women would have taken the guy up on it – either naively or otherwise. I’m sure that’s how a large portion start. I’m also sure this dude was a pro and had just enough success to keep trying.

I told WH on the way home. WH buddy told him the next day and was happy to hear that I’d already done so.

I’m still a bit miffed a few days later. I’m miffed that there are dudes like this out there that make such antics a hobby. I’m miffed that there are many women that would take him up on it. And I’m miffed that some are so naive that they may really think it is just an innocent cup of coffee while waiting. And then a potential contact attempt as you can’t have too many friends right. And then a nice meeting you type of communication. And then just more coffee or lunch. And then…yadda yadda yadda…

I was on to the guy. I shut it down. I’m glad the whole exchange was overheard. I’m glad I told WH and I’m glad his buddy told him as as well. I’m honored to have received the compliment of being true – even when I thought no one was watching.

I’m sickened that this is far more commonplace than I ever realized.

23 comments posted: Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

Tales from a Unicorn

As many of you know, WH is in a local band. Great cover during the LTA as I was home being Mom.

While LTAP lives 6 hours away in another state – spent much of the LTA up in our area (where she grew up) under the cover of girls weekends.

Fast Forward a few years, I am able to join as Mombligations have lessened [teen is now an adult]. Now when he plays, I go as well. I’ve made many new friends along the way and really enjoy myself. I’ve also learned along the way a few people did know of the LTA but chose to do nothing. These people are no longer in WH circle of friends. But like many small areas, do overlap socially. They are kept at arm’s length.

Now – when I go to these places to watch, even if among friends, I don’t drink. I like my wits about me. For reasons such as this…

While on a dancing break, a person "in the know" [let’s call him "Jerk" in this little synopsis] struck up a conversation. And I quickly picked up on the attempt at a mean spirited jab. Here’s how I shut that down and walked away like sparkly unicorn boss.

Jerk – hey Chaos. You must be exhausted by people telling you how amazing you are. Sure you are beautiful, intelligent, strong . You are a whole package. A Goddess. Yet here you sit all alone drinking water turning guys down left and right.

Chaos – I know my worth, I know I’m a Unicorn, and even sitting alone am in good company.

Jerk – (dripping with condescension) So Chaos, what would you do if someone came along and cut off that unicorn horn [and mimes someone doing so]. What do Unicorns do without their horns?

Chaos - (thinks – you motherfucking bastard) but says : They go about my business of being a sparkly Unicorn. The person who cut off the horn would still be mean, and although holding the souvenir of them being mean, didn’t affect the Unicorn in any way really because a Unicorn just goes about the business of sparking and being a Unicorn. The person who cut off the horn is mean – and a fool. Because only a fool would think their meanness made any fucking difference.

Chaos – bottom line – the Unicorn would still be a sparkly Unicorn. The horn cutter would still be mean and a fool.

Jerk – Stared slackjawed for a moment, lowered head and walked away

And while this was a very surreal moment (worthy of an 80s standing slow clap) I sat a little taller. And later danced a little bolder.

Moral of the story - don't fuck with a Unicorn. Especially a Bad Ass Sparkly Goddess Unicorn.

11 comments posted: Sunday, April 10th, 2022

Keys

I am currently sitting in my car ugly crying and laughing at the same time. Why? I can’t find my keys.

I had to return something at a store and while I was there got a cup of coffee and slowly wandered around. However instead of making me happy or calm. I started getting overwhelming flooding of memories and mind movies. No rhyme or reason. No distinct trigger. I know I have been having trouble the past few weeks since this is the anti-versary of the cease and desist. But there was nothing specific or reminder.

Then I’m remembering DDay1. As I’m looking frantically for my keys. You see I went to get STD tested and went to a clinic in a neighboring town. That way I wouldn’t have to run into anyone I knew or tell my GYN that I have been going to for decades what happened to me. When I went to leave the clinic I couldn’t find my keys. I was already crying but in a clinic that apparently is an every day occurrence. I don’t my purse all over the counter no keys. I asked to have the room checked the restroom checked etc. and while the staff was very helpful no keys. I finally went out to my car sobbing hysterically now. Thinking maybe I had dropped them and no keys. I open the door to see if maybe they had fallen out somewhere in the car before I put them in my purse and they were nowhere to be found. But I did notice a strange sound. Apparently I was so distraught I never turned the car off. I never took my keys out of my ignition. My car sat in that parking lot for over two hours running.

So here I am ugly crying because of the quasi-anxiety attack in the store for no reason and laughing maniacally because I ended up finding my keys. I was sitting on the whole time.

Since I was on SI anyway thinking maybe I could use a distraction and maybe post about the quasi anxiety attack and how it made me feel combined with a reminiscing of the D day one missing keys. I figured I would share my maniacal laughing moment when I realized I was sitting on them.

Do you things like this happen to anyone else? I can’t be the only one 😂

11 comments posted: Monday, March 7th, 2022

Almost a year from Cease & Desist

I have been out of sorts the past few days and only today realized why.

It is almost a year since we had to hire an attorney to send LTAP a Cease and Desist due to her fake profiles, reaching out, cyberstalking and trying to duplicate my life. Even the attorney nicknamed her Fatal Attraction.

And...I think she's still doing it, I just can't prove it. I've learned from the last communication from OBS LTAP is Hell Bent for Leather on some type of "revenge" against WH [for ruining her life] and me [for exposing - again and again and again]. Both OBS and I think it not IF she does it again, but WHEN. While OBS has told me she claims to have extreme hate for WH, he also feels she had/has a strong emotional attachment to WH. Love/Hate - both passionate emotions.

Part of me almost wishes she'd do something I can find/prove. Then I can act. In the following order:

1 - Inform Attorney
2 - Inform OBS
3 - Inform WH

Having this solid plan is helpful in a way. But it is also sad. Because I'm not sure what it would take to convince me I won't have to execute it.

I've learned a lot over the past year. Being cyberstalked is creepyAF. To know that between 2018 and 2021 she'd been doing it and I had no freaking clue. To know the things she'd done during that time to mimic/duplicate my life is scary. To realize she's probably still doing it is unsettling. To know she probably won't stop, I have no words for that.

I know this post is a bit disjointed. But so are my emotions right now. Hopefully the collective wisdom of SI can help me with this feeling.

9 comments posted: Sunday, February 20th, 2022

Dreams of her stalking ... again

The past few nights I've been woken up out of sleep by panic in dreams that LTAP is at it again.

I'm keeping a detailed journal [OK - spreadsheet] of them.

There has been no trigger or behavior from WH that could cause these to occur.

I've taken no medications that may cause them. I have not consumed alcoholic beverages.

I've tried all the at home remedies. Long hot shower before bed. Lavender oil/spray. Prayer/mindfullness. Breathing exercises.

And I woke up this morning feeling exhausted, heavy with my heart racing because all night last night in my dreams I was on the run from the hit man she hired all the while trying to gather evidence so I could go to the authorities.

I figure if I throw it out here on SI, to those who understand, I may be able to purge my system enough to "reset" the brain so to speak.

Possible triggers: this time last year she started, it took me until the end of February to find/prove it was her and notify OBS, early spring we had to have a Cease & Desist sent.

Anyone have success vanquishing these dreams?

2 comments posted: Sunday, January 16th, 2022

Best Holiday Season since my world blew up

The title sums it all up. I had the best Holiday Season I have had since before any DDays.
From everything before Christmas, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, days after, New Years Eve and New Years Day. I had an amazing time.

This is HUGE for me. This is the first time since I found out about the LTA that I have enjoyed any of it. I didn't have to put on a mask, paint my face or fake it in any way. I didn't even think about saying "fuck you" to the happy decorations, didn't feel that holiday store displays were mocking me and even voluntarily turned on some Christmas music and danced/sang along. Baking the cookies was a joy again. I wrapped gifts smiling and not like laundry folding part deux.

I thought about posting this under Reconciliation but realized - I think this is independent of that. This has to do with me. How I am feeling independent of WH or LTAP.

I wouldn't call myself healed [I'm not sure if I ever will be fully]. But I will say this is the first time in a long time I didn't have to fake any bit of it. This is the first time in a long time that LTAP didn't factor into my holiday [and she was relevant in 2021 as a Cease and Desist has to be sent]. None of that mattered. And I enjoyed it.

I wanted to put this out there. For those who aren't sure they will ever see the Light of the Season again - there is hope. And when it happens it will be when you least expect it.

10 comments posted: Tuesday, January 4th, 2022

Hypnosis

IC wants to explore this with me and my PTSD due to LTA and LTAP cyberstalking/trying to come back.

Anyone else try this and if so what are your thoughts? Did it work? Did it help?

2 comments posted: Friday, May 7th, 2021

Healing from Infidelity

By Michelle Weiner-Davis

“The divorce busting guide to rebuilding your marriage after an affair”

My new IC recommended this book to me today. I have downloaded it to my Kindle.

I’ve been seeing her due to PTSD due to LTAPs cyber stalking and attempts to get back with WH (a Cease and Desist letter had to be sent recently).

Anyone read it? Thoughts?

2 comments posted: Friday, April 23rd, 2021

Connecting Songs

I see a few threads in other forums about various song types. So...I was curious - what are your go to songs for us that are in and/or attempting R.

I'll go first.

To Love Somebody - Bee Gees

There's a light

A certain kind of light

That never shone on me

I want my life to be lived with you

Lived with you

There's a way everybody say

To do each and every little thing

But what does it bring

If I ain't got you, ain't got?

You don't know what it's like, baby

You don't know what it's like

To love somebody

To love somebody

The way I love you

In my brain

I see your face again

I know my frame of mind

You ain't got to be so blind

And I'm blind, so, so, so blind

I'm a man

Can't you see what I am?

I live and I breathe for you

But what good does it do

If I ain't got you, ain't got?

You don't know what it's like, baby

You don't know what it's like

To love somebody

To love somebody

The way I love you

You don't know what it's like, baby

You don't know what it's like

To love somebody

To love somebody

The way I love you

You don't know what it's like, baby

You don't know what it's like

To love somebody

8 comments posted: Thursday, April 22nd, 2021

Kayak

WH and I are thinking of getting them. We have been for a while. Now with our kids grown we have the time.

And I'm overwhelmed with it all - so many choices and options.

Don't want or need top of the line. We live on the East Coast [around the middle] and there are lakes/water within 20 min in any direction. I am a fair weather outdoorsgirl so if it not warmish - I'm not going.

WH is looking at a fishing set up. I'm just looking for something comfortable and practical. I want to enjoy some water, nature and experience exercise and peace.

Recommendations?

15 comments posted: Friday, April 9th, 2021

A funny story about empathy

I’ve been teleworking a few days/week since the pandemic started. This change has created anxiety in my cat who’s on again/off again litter avoidance issues are back on.

So…I’m in my office and the cat piddles out of the box – just off the pad so it makes a mess on the floor. I’m shocked it happened right in front of me and exclaimed from my office “you b*tch – you f*cking b*tch”. WH from the other room comes running yelling “what – what happened – what did she do” and I’m pushing past him to grab the enzymatic cleanser and paper towels. I’m still grumbling and muttering under my breath and he’s trying to give me space but still help all the while saying “just tell me – I can’t help you unless you tell me what she did”

He finally gets to my office to find me on the ground moving things around and cleaning. When I saw him I said “she peed on my fucking floor” And he’s like “OH…the cat. I thought it was HER – and she’d sent something to you”. I look at him confused – it really took me a while to register what he was saying as I’m scrubbing cat pee of the floor.

And then – I laughed. Hard and fast. Until tears were running down my face. He was giving me empathy and I couldn’t figure it out. Then we realized we were both talking about 2 different things. And we both laughed. A bit awkwardly but laughter nonetheless. The Who’s on First of Infidelity speak LOL.

I went back to work a while and this kept playing out in my head. And I realized. There it was. He’s a fight or flight guy and his first reaction to my outburst [he assumed was about AP] this time was empathy. And it was nice. And I couldn’t stop smiling and chuckling over the miscommunication. His first swift and immediate reaction to my [perceived AP] outburst was empathy.

It warmed my heart. And I told him. And he smiled.

5 comments posted: Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

And we danced

This weekend I was at a small gathering [in line with my area’s restrictions]. Music was played and people were dancing. I love dancing. Like no one is watching. WH and I danced. Then…. slow song came on. And we slow danced. And in that moment I felt good. I felt OK. I felt connected. I felt love.

But it was profound and it did hit me that dancing in his arms – I felt warm and good. Not staged. Not fronting. Not forced. Not pretending. Warm and good and natural and love.

Days later – it still amazes me and the feeling is still good. I haven’t told him yet. I should.

23 comments posted: Tuesday, January 26th, 2021

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