Kb82 (original poster member #70826) posted at 2:31 AM on Monday, December 26th, 2022
Hi everyone, I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. I was in this group 3 years ago when I caught my husband sexting a coworker. Since then, Covid happened. I had a newborn and 9 month old and was super busy. I turned 40. I was kind of sailing in the wind in my marriage I guess since.
Backstory, At the time I discovered the sexting, I found out I was pregnant and had a 3 month old. They are both doing very well! The then 3 month old just turned 4 and the pregnancy resulted in a super smart, huge blessing of a now 3 year old son. I've been truly blessed in life. Not so much in my marriage.
After the sexting incident, we were living separately for awhile. I started working (still employed there), had a baby, and have been busy raising babies since. We got back together and he did some of the things i asked (sorta). I guess I thought things were going OK in our marriage. Or maybe I've just been too busy to look closely. Maybe I just subconsciously wanted things to be good and ignored red flags. Either way, I'm back. He never fully made me feel better about things after the sexting. Gaslighting. Not doing everything I asked. Or only after an argument. There's been a lot of really personal arguments. Usually the sexting comes up bc it's still an open wound for me. One of the books I asked him to read he literally ripped every page out of in an argument a couple years back. There have been some extremely low times and others that seem ok, some that seem great. But let me get to the point of why I'm back.
December 23rd WH and I wrapped presents and he was about to get in the shower and I was laying down for bed. I could sense something was off with him. Just the way he was acting and talking to me. He was being overly critical about little things and that's not like him at all usually. For example, he said "I'm taking a shower. Could you make sure to put the remote on my side instead of next to you so I'm not digging under you trying to find it all night?" He said it in a harsh tone out of nowhere. He isn't that way normally so it caught my attention and when he went to shower I found myself in tears. I was worn out bc I had to bust my rear for Christmas this year. He was in between jobs (once again) and didn't start this one until 2 weeks before Christmas. So I was carrying the burden both financially and physically alone for 5 kids and some extended family. He didn't even try to help. Not financially.
Not physically. Not mentally even. Its been stressful. The 23rd was the first night he even helped wrap and that was 3 gifts. I definitely had some resentment going on bc of it but was trying my best to smile and ignore it until after the holidays.
After his shower he came in our room and was sitting on the edge of the bed texting or something on his phone. He usually will snuggle up to me and we watch TV together. Already being emotional I noticed it right away. I can sense things especially with him, even if i cant point out what it is. I calmly said "Honey, are we ok?" Immediately he jumps up and says 'we are fine. Why are you starting an argument?' He gets up and walks out. By this point I'm in tears but just sitting there not saying anything. He comes back in and is very agitated that I'm crying and hr gets defensive. I start telling him I'm not trying to start an argument I just feel something is off. He starts raising his voice so I get up and walk into our master bath and he follows me arguing. We were both talking fastly back and forth, he gets in my face yelling at this point and I slapped him (bad choice, i know and i completely own it). I was shocked i did that and I Immediately start to apologize but before I could apologize he takes his drink and throws it at me. I start crying and he starts yelling throwing stuff all over the bathroom and walks out. I locked the door and I go to get in the bath because I'm now drenched in soda and he busts open the bathroom door (breaking the frame) while I'm in the bath and starts screaming again. I tell him to get out of the bathroom please and lower his voice because the kids are sleeping. That infuriated him more. He throws something at a mirror I had propped against the bathroom wall and shattered it. Finally he walks out. I'm in the bath crying and trying to wrap my mind around what just happened. I cried the rest of the night and didn't speak to him anymore bc I didn't want to wake the kids and ruin Christmas for them. I went and put their elves in place once I got out and he was in the living room and started trying to argue with me again and I told him I was going to bed and didn't want to wake up the kids. I swept up the glass from the mirror and went to bed. When I woke up the next morning (Christmas Eve) he had texted me a bunch of long, very mean messages. I went to make coffee and got the kids settled and noticed his phone on the counter. He was still asleep. I grabbed it and looked through it trying to prove I wasn't crazy for having that feeling. At first I didn't see anything. Then I went to the trash folder. Tons of porn. Some pictures that looked personal (from text messages, not google). Pics of his own dick at work it appears. (He works in apartment maintenance). But the biggest surprise was a pic of a guy that looks familiar to me holding his own dick. I know the face from WH but cannot remember the name. I know ive seen him and believe WH worked with him at some point. I took pictures with my phone of everything and composed myself. By this point he's awake missing his phone. I handed it to him and told him we would talk later and didnt say anythingelse about it all day.
Yesterday was SO HARD for me. We had family to visit. Kids to get excited for Christmas. Santa to play after they finally fell asleep at 2 am. I did inside stuff and WH put a trampoline up so that gave us space which i personally needed. I was exhausted both physically and emotionally and mentally. My eyes were swollen from crying the night before and I know my family noticed. But I made it through yesterday with a smile on my face. The kids were extremely excited today. And I kept it together today as well. He has been just acting like everything is normal until he tries to be affectionate and I politely reject. Then he blew up today and punched a hole in our door. He's been texting horrible things to me all day. I've been doing my best not to engage. He's not given any explanation about the puctures. Says those are 'old' and some bs excuse about how when he logged into his drive on his new phone they uploaded so he deleted. That's a lie and I know that. But he still hasn't explained who the naked people are and why he would have them. Why they're there (especially the guy penis pic and the girl chest text) even if that drive story were true. We have been married 11 years. 5 children ranging from 10 to 3. I'm so angry. So hurt. And just numb at the same time.
Not asking for advice really just needed to vent and boy did that feel good even if no one reads it. There are definitely bigger issues going on besides the infidelity. But does anyone else have experience with WS having extreme rage aginst you for no known reasons and later you discover the affair or naked pics of other peoplelike i did?? Regardless I know that change must happen in my marriage. Christmas should look different. I was able to distract my kids and avoid them seeing most of everything going on but I know they can sense something is off.
If you read this far thank you so much. That helps tremendously. And I'm sorry you are here but am so glad to have this community. Also I apologize for any typos. Doing this from my phone and I have big thumbs.
EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 2:58 AM on Monday, December 26th, 2022
This sounds like a really dangerous situation with him being this volatile. Your gut knows and you're not crazy. Please do what you have to do to protect you and your kids.
Just sending you hugs right now. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this, especially on Christmas.
"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger
"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 3:09 AM on Monday, December 26th, 2022
The anger is triggered by the cheater’s fear of getting caught.
Your H appears to be hiding so much more than what you found. It feels like this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Can I ask why your H has been between jobs? It sounds like this is a fairly common situation with him. Just wondering what he has told you or how he explained it to you.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
Kb82 (original poster member #70826) posted at 3:51 AM on Monday, December 26th, 2022
The1stwife, the last job was odd. Our anniversary weekend (which turned into a disaster as well, arguments the entire time), we were supposed to come home Sunday. He claimed we were staying another night, everything was fine at work. We got home. His boss started messaging that his keys had to be turned into them by a certain time or he would go to jail. I asked what was going on. He claims she cussed him and he cussed back. I asked for the messages. He deleted them. Then the police officer there told him he needed to bring the keys. Apparently the boss told him she knew what he was up to and she hopes he gets caught soon. He told me he has no idea what she's talking about. Of course I knew that was bs. But with the holidays coming up I put it on my back shelf. Confronting him does no good.
Kb82 (original poster member #70826) posted at 3:53 AM on Monday, December 26th, 2022
But he blames me for every job loss as well. Says "my bs makes him not be able to focus" its bad and has been. I've been trying and just bandaiding everything for a long time. But this one has got me ready to make some changes. Thank you for the support.
Kb82 (original poster member #70826) posted at 3:56 AM on Monday, December 26th, 2022
EllieKMAS, THANK YOU! just hearing I'm not crazy does wonders. He tells me I'm crazy constantly.
Kb82 (original poster member #70826) posted at 4:13 AM on Monday, December 26th, 2022
EllieKMAS, THANK YOU! just hearing I'm not crazy does wonders. He tells me I'm crazy constantly.
Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 4:33 AM on Monday, December 26th, 2022
I think he is cheating but not only with an AP but possibly at work.
You cannot work, raise 5 kids and try to get along with a baby man and his tantrums. Hitting walls, breaking glass, throwing drinks on you….
He could be on drugs,
Call his boss and find out why she hopes he gets caught,
This is a dangerous man. You need to gather your little family and "visit" some relatives.
When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 10:31 AM on Monday, December 26th, 2022
He seems to have some very alarming traits or behavior.
Clearly he was hiding from his last employer for some reason. A serious reason. Something I don’t think you & kids should be caught up in.
🚩🚩 not being able to keep a job
🚩🚩 volatile behavior /traits
🚩🚩 past history of cheating
🚩🚩 you’re more his warden or mom than his wife
There appears to be some type of addiction going on. Is he going to "work" and then is inappropriate with women at work? Is he drinking on the job? Is he stealing from his employer?
His anger would be the final straw. You & kids need to be free of this and he needs to get some serious professional help. He needs to be properly diagnosed and undergoing some type of treatment (mental health or addiction or whatever) to straighten out his behavior.
And he needs to do this away from you and commit to the long term of clearing up his issues. You need to stop trying yo "help" him or "rescue" him. Him having a free place to crash is problem number one.
[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:32 AM, Monday, December 26th]
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
Beachgirl73 ( member #74764) posted at 1:21 PM on Monday, December 26th, 2022
What an awful situation you are living in! My New Year’s wish for you is a life without this unstable man.
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 2:08 PM on Monday, December 26th, 2022
Reading this, he brings nothing to the marriage. Nothing.
He's cheating. You rigswept the last time..that you knew of. Sexting a coworker? That happens when there is an affair. And,since distance wasn't a factor, it was physical. Adults don't sext their AP,unless there is sex happening.
He's violent. I know you feel bad about the slap. I would say it was self defense. He was screaming in your face,he wouldn't stop,and you felt threatened. And you should have. Breaking down the door,when you were in the tub, naked,vulnerable, is horrifying.
Your kids are in an abusive home. Everything he did was abusive. Infidelity is abusive as well.
Now. Let's talk about something I don't think anyone else has mentioned. The dick pic. Men don't send naked pics to other men,unless asked. Unless there is a sexual relationship between them. I know..not your husband,you would know. That's simply not true. When Craigslist was a thing, there were tons of pics in the men seeking men section,taking pics with their kids toys in the background, in the family bathroom. They outright said their wives didn't know. My best friend discovered exactly what you did. And it lead to so much more. He is being sexual with men. He received AND SAVED a dick pic. So he's either bisexual, or gay. Which might explain part of the anger. He resents not being able to be who he is,and he is taking it out on you.
Look, he's not remorseful. He never was. His half assed way of doing what you needed after the last affair is evident that he's unremorseful. You can't reconcile with an unremorseful WS. This is why.
He doesn't believe you will go anywhere. He believes he can be violent with you,and then hug up on you and make it ok. You need to get him away from you,and your home. Your kids deserve to feel safe. Maybe they didn't wake up the other night. Maybe. But the oldest one will notice
the broken door,the hole in the wall,the broken mirror. And it will affect them. It will make them feel unsafe.
He's given you no choice.
[This message edited by HellFire at 2:11 PM, Monday, December 26th]
Kb82 (original poster member #70826) posted at 2:45 PM on Monday, December 26th, 2022
Thank you for all the replies and support. I agree with all of you. For so long he has gotten defensive and mad when I try to discuss any issue at all, even when I do it very calmly. He says I'm never happy, starting problems, crazy, dramatic, etc. It's gotten to the point I don't say much bc of it. If I do he will say things like "we were perfectly happy yesterday and you're just starting stuff for no reason".
I have felt for a long time that he resents me for holding him to the vows he made when we got married. I've told him that before and he calls me crazy, etc, the usual.
He just left for work a few minutes ago acting normal. Told me he will be late because the pipes at work busted. I just said ok. It's actually a relief he is out of the house today. He keeps claiming he downloaded drop box and that's where those pictures came from. I don't know much about drop box but I'd assume random porn and naked photos don't just show up in your albums, right?
His excuses are so blatantly ridiculous sometimes. He sticks with them no matter what. As far as his ex boss, I asked him why he deleted the messages if she started cussing him first? He could've had proof since she was threatening jail time if he didn't return the keys. He claimed "he wanted nothing the do with her after her acting like that and did t want to see her name in his phone anymore" I knew that was a lie but "kept the peace". I definitely think there's a mental issue going on.
The guy pic, I am so shocked on that one. I am still trying to place a name with the face bc I've seen this guy before for sure. I am heartbroken by the past few days but more so relieved if that makes sense. I get those intuitions a lot but question myself most of the time.
The last job he was fired from we were having sex a lot. He was doing different stuff and wanting it all the time. I'm fine with trying new stuff but where did he learn this? We have been together over12 years. I felt something was happening then too. But when questioned about the new moves, extreme sex drive, he was trying to spice things up and called me a prude for asking him about it.
Thanks for listening to me. Venting is great therapy. Things for me and my children are changing in 2023. We all deserve to feel safe and loved and he doesn't give us that.
leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:23 PM on Monday, December 26th, 2022
Dropbox is a site where you can share files, and is similar to Google Drive. It's empty until somebody uploads files. I've used it before to save files so I could work on them from different computers and co-workers could access files. I never saw any porn or naked pictures.
Sorry you're here. Once you are away from his presence for awhile, you'll find your life so much more peaceful.
BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21
Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 3:28 PM on Monday, December 26th, 2022
I'm sorry for your situation. It sounds terrible. From what you write, it seems like he is not a safe partner for anyone. He can't keep a job, is secretive dismissive, won't help, is prone to violent outbursts, etc. Wow, just wow! You need to have an exit plan in place that you can implement on a moments notice. As well, his violent outbursts might get worse. Is there a chance of this? Maybe contact a support group for more targeted advice, but you need to keep you and your kids safe.
I haven't read all of the responses, so I apologize if I get this wrong, but you said there was a picture of another man. Have you considered that your WH is struggling with his sexual identity? From the severity of his actions, I suspect that there is much more to this situation.
Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.
Notmine ( member #57221) posted at 3:54 PM on Monday, December 26th, 2022
I agree with other posters. This man is volatile and dangerous. He does not communicate with you, he threatens you. You cannot discuss anything rationally. You cannot have a meaningful marriage with someone who is treating you the way this guy treats you.
The dick pic from the other man could be a trigger for him...maybe he cannot tolerate anyone finding out he has sexual feelings about men? It is not clear, but what is clear is that he has violent melt-downs when he feels threatened. If he is compulsively watching porn and engaging in risky sexualized behavior online, then he may need extensive help to get better....and based on your posts he is not willing to begin any sort of process towards wellness. In addition, it is very concerning that he lost a job and the reason was severe enough to get the police involved. His boss fired him due to some sort of behavior that she hopes he "gets caught" doing? You find dick pics of him at his job? Hmmmmm. I may be way off track, but it sounds like some sort of inappropriate behavior got him fired. People have cameras in their homes to monitor people inside. Is it possible he got caught with his dick out? If this is the case, he (and you) could be sued by a homeowner or he could be arrested for indecent exposure. This is not the only job he was fired from. The guy is a mess and it sounds like he might be on his way to having legal issues if he doesn't physically attack you first. On top of all of that, he does not contribute financially? Exactly what is the man's value in your life?
You do not deserve this. Your kids do not deserve this. My advice? Cut your losses. Put yourself first and get him and his enormous issues out of your life.
When you're going through hell, for God's sake, DON'T STOP!
BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 4:42 PM on Monday, December 26th, 2022
Just wanted to chime in and let you hear one more voice to assure you that you are not crazy and you are in no way causing any of his behaviors.
As you describe him in these posts, he seems to have a consistent pattern of blaming you for his actions and for any negative outcome in his life. He loses a job? It's supposedly because you stir things up and he can't focus. You call him out on obviously sketchy behavior and inappropriate pics on his phone? You're starting trouble.
This guy just won't take responsibility for anything. He even blames the pics on some magical mix up in Dropbox.
Someone who is so insecure that they will not take responsibility will also not change. Change and growth require the ability (and the strength to show vulnerability) to own your flaws...and, thus, the need to change.
Overall, it's really easy to get used to a pretty F****d up situation and consider it "normal." This happens because things go sideways in little stages and, as each bad thing happens, we learn to accommodate it and live with it. At each adjustment, this messed up situation becomes our "new normal."
Sometimes we need to take a huge step back in order to see our situation in its totality.
You husband isn't being faithful. He hasn't been motivated to do consistent work to change this or to become a safe partner. He screams in your face, throws things at you, and breaks things. This is all meant to intimidate you and get you to quit confronting him. He can't hold a job consistently, so he isn't financially reliable. He blames you and others for his behaviors and decisions. He let's you carry the majority of the load around the house. He is volatile and scary, and you are raising kids with him.
What is your plan to be safe--mentally, emotionally, and physically?
I think, if you lived a life separately from this man for a while and gave yourself distance from the messed up "normal" you've come to accept, you would feel a great deal more happiness and peace. You'd have a lot of "Why did I ever put up with that?" moments.
You deserve so much better. Reach out for that. And keep yourself safe.
"...lately it's not hurtin' like it did before. Maybe I am learning how to love me more."[Credit to Sam Smith]
Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 3+ yrs.Both in IC & MC.Married 32 yrs now 2 kids-both in HS.Attempting R
Kb82 (original poster member #70826) posted at 5:01 PM on Monday, December 26th, 2022
BreakingBad, thank you so much! You hit the nail on the head with the blame. This has been a common thing I have noticed, and voiced to him. I get blamed for literally every bad thing in his life. The losing jobs. The marital state. He's blaming me for the Christmas blow up saying I started it, that he knew I would and "could see it in my eyes" before I did. That were me holding tears back because I felt something was off and knew trying to discuss it would result in the outcome that happened. He even blames me for the sexting years back. He thought I was done with him. He blames the girl. He had been drinking and she just sent it to him out of the blue.
We had some time apart actually, and you are correct. In early 2021 the house we lived in we decided to move from and move to a quieter city in our area. The plan was to stay with my parents in their basement and build a home on their property. We were there 3 weeks before he had a tantrum, got into it with my parents and got extremely disrespectful to them and me and they kicked him out. The kids and I stayed there, he moved to his parents basement.
So for almost a year we lived apart, seeing eachother a few days a week and taking trips as we could. Instead of building we decided to buy. Since his job history sucks, he couldn't be on the loan. So it's just me. During that period he was so remorseful, missed his family so much, saw his issues and vowed to address them. We moved into this house in May of this year and almost immediately I started regretting that decision. I hadn't been ingulfed in his lies and tantrums while at my parents. It was peaceful there. It seemed hard at the time because we were apart a lot. But since May it's been nothing but chaos. It disgusts me that he "missed us so much" and was in tears while apart and 7 months in he's a bigger asshole, already caught sneaking and lying again. I'm aware he most likely had things happening while staying with his parents. But boy can he put on a show. I thought he genuinely missed us. But if that were the case I wouldn't be back on here.
Thanks again for the support. I am getting my exit plan together. The veil has been lifted and I see who he really is instead of the show he puts on when he has something to gain.
Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 5:54 PM on Monday, December 26th, 2022
I am sorry that you are here again. It sounds to me like your husband never really stopped cheating on you. I wish you strength as you continue moving forward to get yourself out of the situation because I think it’s quite clear that your husband is a man baby.
Myself - BH & WH - Born 1985
Her - BW & WW - Born 1986
D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020
Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 6:59 PM on Monday, December 26th, 2022
I’m so sorry he has continued to cheat. He is not safe, he is abusive and putting you and the kids at risk.
I won’t get into how Drop Box works because you already he’s lying about it.
You have been heard and I’m truly sorry he hasn’t changed but you need to work to get away from him.
Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years
OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 7:44 PM on Monday, December 26th, 2022
Have you done any research on personality disorders? Seems there is a lot of additional problematic behavior going on with him besides the cheating. It seems he's never been a good partner. Or person.
I'm sorry. I have been in similar relationships, and these people can't be fixed. They truly believe everyone else is the problem.
me: BS/WSh: WS/BS
Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.