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Newest Member: mathemantic

General :
Back Again- Merry Christmas!

Topic is Sleeping.
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 6:26 PM on Tuesday, December 27th, 2022

I don’t want to sound all psycho babble but I do think you need to look up personality disorders. I’m guessing that he’s got a couple and they bleed into each other. I see narcissism because not once in those texts did he tell you he was sorry. It was all about my my my me me me. You and your children are his possessions, his house is his possession. He does not appear to have the ability to look at you and your children and sympathize or empathize. That’s missing in him and that’s what makes him dangerous because it’s always going to be about him.
Get cameras in place. Please keep a VA recorder on you at all times but do not tell him.

We all hope you stay in contact several times a day. Have someone in your neighborhood be aware of his

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4149   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8771102
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 6:26 PM on Tuesday, December 27th, 2022

Sorry I hit the send button too soon. Please let someone in your neighborhood know about his behavior so that if they see it they can tell the cops that’s all I was gonna say

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4149   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8771103
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 Kb82 (original poster member #70826) posted at 8:24 PM on Tuesday, December 27th, 2022

Thanks Hippo and cookies. I will definitely keep checking in. As far as the neighbors he has buddied up with some of them. We had an argument once and he walked outside and told the 18 year old I'm "being a freaking bitch"

As of right now he's just trying to make me look crazy. He actually tried to say the porn was something he showed me. I have always thought porn is gross and bad for marriage and have always not liked him watching it. The nerve of him to say that disgusts me. Also the story of it being imnages from years ago that just popped up when he downloaded Dropbox. I said we'll hang on, the porn is only 7 months old though so how is it there if these other images are years old? Nothing to say but that I'm causing unnecessary problems. My interest in true crime is making me crazy. Etc.

I am definitely getting my own gun. In Tennessee no permit is needed. Cameras outside up already. He has no access to the system anymore. I am looking at small ones for inside as well. Any suggestions for good hidden ones? He notices everything. I'd also like one to catch him in the act as well if possible. I think he chooses these apartment maintenance jobs bc they are convenient for cheating. Find a girl at work. Probably residents. Be charming. Tell them wife is so mean to him. Start affair that he can easily hide from me and still give her attention 5 days a week.

Thanks for all the support. Hugs to all of you.

posts: 203   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: TN
id 8771122
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 Kb82 (original poster member #70826) posted at 8:24 PM on Tuesday, December 27th, 2022

Cooley,not Cookies. Auto correct, sorry.

posts: 203   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: TN
id 8771123
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mommabear1010 ( member #79915) posted at 8:33 PM on Tuesday, December 27th, 2022

I think he chooses these apartment maintenance jobs bc they are convenient for cheating.

1000000%. My ex also worked in apartment maintenance for a long time. During my deep-dive snoopfest I found screenshots of texts he was sending a dog walker he met at one building many years ago. Once he changed industries and went into commercial property maintenance I found video evidence of cheating within 2 months of taking that job...she looked like cleaning staff by her uniform. Definitely trust your gut there!

Dday- 1/19/22
Trickle truth
Dday2- 2/8/22
Dday3- 3/10/22
Divorced!

posts: 139   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2022
id 8771124
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:36 PM on Tuesday, December 27th, 2022

You can get cameras that don't look like cameras. They could be ink pens,or a knick knack. With it being the holiday season, you could easily get away with a camera that looks like a knick knack. You could tell him your mom gave it to you.

Please tell your parents. The more people who know,the better protected you are. Don't feel ashamed. This is his shame,not yours.

I believe in a woman's right to carry for protection. Please make sure you go to a gun store that has a shooting range. They typically will walk you through the basics,and let you shoot a few different guns,until you find one you are comfortable with. You need to be very comfortable with it. You need to go to the range,and practice. And never use it,unless you are willing to USE it. If he knows you won't, then he will get it from you,and use it on you. Hopefully you never,ever need to. Ever. But having one in case you NEED it,is always better than needing it,and not having it. I know this is a hot button issue. Please feel free to message me,if you would like.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:37 PM, Tuesday, December 27th]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8771125
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 Kb82 (original poster member #70826) posted at 11:34 PM on Tuesday, December 27th, 2022

Thanks Hellfire. I will definitely look into the cameras and firearm. Hopefully I don't have to use it of course. But regardless I would feel safer not only with this situation but just the way the world is in general. Taking 5 kids anywhere alone I always feel vulnerable.

So as suggested by some others i reached out to his boss. Asked her about what happened there. She replied today and said he was let go because he missed many days and was always on His phone when there. I knew he missed some days. Not sure if there were more I did t know about. But I told her he had said she said "I know what you're up to and can't wait to get caught". She didn't know what I was talking about on that part. Any input on why he would lie about her saying something like that?

posts: 203   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: TN
id 8771152
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 Kb82 (original poster member #70826) posted at 5:08 PM on Wednesday, December 28th, 2022

Here is my daily check in. It's sunny here today so the kids and I are about to head to the park. Hope everyone is having a fantastic day so far!

posts: 203   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: TN
id 8771232
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 8:32 AM on Thursday, December 29th, 2022

It's good to hear that you're okay. I hope you and your kids had a wonderful time at the park and you were able to have some fun at least for a little while. Stay safe please.

posts: 355   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8771288
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 Kb82 (original poster member #70826) posted at 2:10 PM on Friday, December 30th, 2022

Hi guys, just doing a check in. I forgot yesterday so I apologize. Kids and I had a good day. I did some cleaning around our home and my niece visited and they played on the trampoline all day with her. It was beautiful weather and a happy day. I have ordered indoor cameras and a var.things have been quiet. I have been practicing the 180 on my husband so I can see things clearly for what they are and detach from him. I have been civil but not speaking to him unless necessary. I went to bed early last night and woke up to these messages this morning.

Ya know....the only part of my day I enjoy is when I get up and see your face and the kids faces in the morning. I hate leaving. Then when I get home seeing your face and theirs. It really sucks that the only time I hear your voice or see your face today , you sound and appear utterly disgusted that I even am alive. I'm sorry Im not something you're proud to have as yours.
I won't pretend that Im not completely in love with you, but it's really shitty to feel unwanted by everyone you know and love.

I have been planning a girls/kids trip with some of my friends and their children. Keeping it private of course. But it is something that I look forward to and brings me joy. Doing little things daily to help Me break free from this toxic life. Thanks for all the support.

posts: 203   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: TN
id 8771407
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 2:52 PM on Friday, December 30th, 2022

WOW what a toxic stew he brews. He definitely is all about him, how many me and I's in that statement.

Stay strong, stay cool, stay collected, and plan your way out.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20052   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8771430
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 3:28 PM on Friday, December 30th, 2022

I'm sorry Im not something you're proud to have as yours.

You can see he does not plan on BECOMING someone you are proud of, just feeling sorry for himself.

I won't pretend that Im not completely in love with you, but it's really shitty to feel unwanted by everyone you know and love.

HE feels shitty??? HE feels unloved??? Girl, you have nothing to work with here. This guy is not partner material. He is all about himself and making sure he is loved and pampered while treating everyone badly or however he feels.

He never mentioned what you might be feeling or what you might need. Not once. You are a possession that owes him, not a person with her own needs.

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5847   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8771447
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 3:43 PM on Friday, December 30th, 2022

He was caught cheating. He then became abusive and violent. And he wants you to feel bad because you are upset over him cheating, and being abusive and violent.

Read that again.

He's upset that you are having a very normal response to his abuse and violence.

He's throwing himself a pity party,and expects you to attend.

It's all about him. No remorse. No empathy. Just me,me,me.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8771453
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 Kb82 (original poster member #70826) posted at 4:38 PM on Friday, December 30th, 2022

Yes I agree with all of you. He recently texted he "can't handle the doom and gloom, the nasty house."

There's no "doom and gloom". The kids and I have had a ton of fun while he's at work. One night he got home around 9pm. We were all in bed. Last night around 7:30. I had just showered, layed down and watched a show. Kids were also winding down in their rooms.

The house isn't nasty. Messier than normal bc Christmas with 5 kids just happened. But I've been working on it daily while he's done nothing. I work full time and have been off this week. And honestly haven't cared that much to clean with holes in doors and walls. I've also separated his laundry so he can do it himself. I do a little each day then have fun with the kids.

It amazes me how he notices things he doesn't like immediately. He's uncomfortable bc I'm not being what he wants when he comes home. No happy wife. No clean house no dinner waiting on him. No listening to him talk about his day for hours like usual. Forget the WHY behind that.

He's such a liar he tried to say one of the dick pics isn't his. But they have the same moles he does on his hand! At this point the lying is a little, I won't say funny, but entertaining I guess? I'm just seeing how horrible of issues he has I guess and all these years I was thinking it was me. He made me believe it was.

All so very selfish. I've remained calm. Haven't engaged in arguments he tries to start. Cameras on way. Just staying calm as i make plans. Ive told my mom. Shes aware and ready to help as needed. Thanks for letting me vent!

posts: 203   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: TN
id 8771493
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 12:34 AM on Saturday, December 31st, 2022

Good job on doing you and the kids and ignoring him the best you can. He's a piece of work. You are going to feel so unbelievably free when he's finally gone. Your kids will as well.

posts: 355   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8771546
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HeBrokeMe68 ( new member #82370) posted at 1:54 AM on Saturday, December 31st, 2022

Oh my dear lady, my heart aches for you. I know the burdeon that Christmas places upon women and mothers everywhere around the world. (Its truly made me dislike Christmas altogether.) I commend you for making sure that despite all the troubles that your childrens Christmas experience was made the highest priority. I cannot image how painful that all must have been to put aside your own heartbrake and marriage troubles for the sake of keeping a lovely Christmas for the family & kids/ So please remind yourself that what you did took strength and bravery.
Having just discoverd my H was cheating and has a sex addiction, I am seeing many similarities here. First and foremost, your home is no longer safe for the kids or for you. He will escalate. I promise you this. Please consider immediate change to make sure safety is your primary concern.
I see alot of defensive behavior and some addiction behaviors of deflection going on here as well as the obvious gaslighting, lies, & deception. You did the right thing by being calm in a very difficult situation. You were likely also spot on in your thoughts that he is being unfathful again. I noticed that my husband also became VERY irritated with just about everything I did and could barely even stand being around me during the time he was seeing other women -- and he was extremely defensive anytime I confronted him. He was not getting his needs met and suddenly I was of no use to him anylonger.)
It seems to me that you are the primary caregiver in just about every role in your household and you have the power in just about every way. I know its not easy, but I would seriously consider whether or not this man is someone you want to keep in your life for yourself and for the health and safety of your children. For whatever its worth...I do hear men acting out quite frequently when little kids join the family b/c they take so much attention away from the man and they stop getting their intimacy needs met. Add to that his cheating history and hes likely been looking elsewhere to get his needs met -- whatever they may be. This is not about you. Its about him. Make the safety and peace of your children your primary goal immediately and then decide whether this man is capable of change.

Betrayed SpouseD-Day Aug 29 2022 w/ongoing trickle truths. He did it to punish me.

I love him. I hate him.

Trying to reconcile

posts: 22   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2022   ·   location: CA
id 8771552
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 Kb82 (original poster member #70826) posted at 3:27 AM on Saturday, December 31st, 2022

HeBrokeMe68, thank you. Just knowing someone else understands had me in tears of relief, even though im so sorry you had experiences like mine that make you understand my story. I'm trying my very best to keep everything calm. I asked him to leave. He refuses. I work from home and went back to work from Christmas vacation today. My job is very low demand (thankfully). So I can come out of the office and check on my kids frequently. Tonight he came here. As soon as I went to work this evening he went to the neighbors house. I came out to check on the kids and my oldest told me he had been gone for about 30 minutes. He didn't return for over 3 hours and came in high. He literally contributes nothing. To the marriage. Kids. Home. He won't leave yet contributes nothing. When he came back I found him in the kitchen eating. He comes here to eat and sleep and throw tantrums apparently. Earlier today he had the audacity to ask me for money for gas and lunch. I told him no. He's like a child, a very big and angry one. I'm trying my best to get him out. The only thing I have on him is the stuff I found on his phone and the holes he put in our door and wall. Here, where I'm at, since he lives here they (police) won't do much about holes in walls where the person lives. Only if he physically abuses me. I've searched attorneys in the area and am calling some on Monday for advice. Thank you for your support.

posts: 203   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: TN
id 8771559
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 4:21 AM on Saturday, December 31st, 2022

Kb82,

So sorry you're here. May I you suggest something? Would you watch some YouTube videos by Dr Ramani? She works with narcissistic abuse and other psychopathy issues. She did a series on the narc vocabulary, like gaslighting, stonewalling, etc. They are about 15 minutes. I think you will find them valuable because they will describe some of the scenarios you've experienced.

Please watch the one on trauma bonding. It will give you insight into some of your feelings and why it's hard to give him up or do the 180.

Remember, this is trauma and can affect you physically. Take care of yourself.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3121   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8771562
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 6:54 AM on Saturday, December 31st, 2022

So sorry you're here. May I you suggest something? Would you watch some YouTube videos by Dr Ramani? She works with narcissistic abuse and other psychopathy issues. She did a series on the narc vocabulary, like gaslighting, stonewalling, etc. They are about 15 minutes. I think you will find them valuable because they will describe some of the scenarios you've experienced.

Please watch the one on trauma bonding. It will give you insight into some of your feelings and why it's hard to give him up or do the 180.

Remember, this is trauma and can affect you physically. Take care of yourself.

I agree with this. It is so helpful and enlightening.

posts: 355   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8771580
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 Kb82 (original poster member #70826) posted at 2:01 PM on Saturday, December 31st, 2022

Hi everyone. For everyone saying he was on the verge of snapping and getting More violent you were right. its been a long night but here's A quick break down.

Husband came home from neighbors after being there hours. He was messed up obviously and passed oUt on the couch immediately. I took the opportunity to dig further into his phone and found TONS of porn. I screenshotted everything and emailed it to myself. put his phone back. Took a bath.

I get out and he wakes up. He sees everything I've emailed my self and starts cussing and kicking b stuff around. He grabs my phone and I threaten to have a neighbor call police if he doesn't give it back. He gave it back. I sat in my bed messaging a friend and trying to stay calm, hoping he will calm down too. He walks by and grabs my phone again. Tells me its in his name.

I get up and try to grab it back and we are physically fighting over it. He shoves me into the wall and grabs my hair and shoves my head into the wall. I grabbed the rifle sitting nearby and tell him to get out. it wasn't loaded. Dumb mistake on my part. he Then grabs it from me and hits me in the chest with it. Everything is a little blurry. But at some point he threw my phone, breaking it. He walked out of the house and I locked the door behind him. I sat and physically held the lock bc he was trying to get back in with his key. By this point kids are awake and hysterical. My daughter got my tablet for me and I called my mom on messenger. I didn't realize she was driving over but she did. The whole time she was on the phone and heard him going nuts. When she got here she handed me her phone so I could call police.

They get here and he's all the sudden prince charming. They tell me since I grabbed the gun if they arrest either it would be both. But then the cop realizes he broke my phone when I tried to call for help and says he can take him if I want. I agreed. So he's in jail for 12 hours.

So after all this my in-laws show up to get their truck. Then my mom and I noticed they were in the yard with flashlights. So I yelled out (nicely) 'hey what are you looking for?" Mil replies "I lost something". I then ask what she lost and she gets all hateful and says " his stuff is allover the yard!' I told her that wasn't me, that was him. My fil then tells me "you're the worst I've ever seen. I can't believe you." I said 'ok, well you need to both get off my property'. He says "ok sweetheart, this is just the beginning." I replied "well, everything is on camera, including you. Your grandchildren are watching out the window." He says "fuck off". I gave him the middle finger.

Sounds like a Jerry Springer episode, right?

My husband has 3 guns that are in my name. I told police that and husband claimed to have given them to the neighbor until tomorrow. If he lied and threw them in the yard and they got them, what can I do? I do have cameras and he has no access. But I can't get into the system without my phone. I'm about to head to the phone store for replacement shortyly. Thank you.

posts: 203   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: TN
id 8771592
Topic is Sleeping.
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