Topic is Sleeping.
Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 10:18 PM on Friday, January 6th, 2023
I don't know about your state but it's common for the aggressor to be charged with 'domestic abuse in the presence of a child' and that automatically calls for supervised visitation with their children. They also get put on a 'Domestic abuse list.' This is like the sex offender list and it's difficult for the person to get off that list without meeting certain requirements. In my state the abuser is required to attend anger management classes.
You did not respond to my question about how he was released from jail custody. If he used your home as collateral for a bond, that could create problems for you if he fails to show up for court hearings.
"Because I deserve better"
Kb82 (original poster member #70826) posted at 11:02 PM on Friday, January 6th, 2023
Jeaniegirl, I'm not exactly sure how he was released from jail. I haven't spoken to him or his family. My understanding is he was on a 12 hour hold and $1000 bond. That's just what I saw from the website of the sheriff's office. I haven't been told anything else. Also Im In Tennessee. I'm not sure if we have the domestic abuse in presence of a child or not but will look into it. I told the lawyer today he has my paperwork and he shrugged it off. Mentioned me buying out my husband's half of the house, getting appraisal, etc. A bunch of nonsense that shouldn't even be an option since a) this is the kids home b)he assaulted me c) we have only been here 7 months and he has been jobless the majority of the time we have been here d) the loan is in my name only, fha, which requires me to be here 2 years minimum.
The lawyer today discouraged me. I see why more people dont leave situations like this. I did some research and found a "bulldog" female lawyer in the town over from mine. I left her office a message today. Her reviews look really good so that gives me some hope.
Hellfire the kids are not in IC yet but that is definitely something I'm looking into as well.
My mom made the Comment that our home "feels happier" now and I couldn't agree more. Week 1 has passed and so much anxiety I have had for SO long is already gone. Kids have been laughing a lot. Thank you all for the continued support.
Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 11:35 PM on Friday, January 6th, 2023
Keep posting every day even if it just your name.
When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis
nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 3:18 AM on Sunday, January 8th, 2023
Hope you're doing okay today KB
Kb82 (original poster member #70826) posted at 5:36 AM on Sunday, January 8th, 2023
Nomudnolotus thank you for checking in. Today ive just been reflecting on everything and chiming in on other posts when possible. Giving others advice seems to be a sort of "therapy" that's helping me also.
It has been a quiet day. Worked and spent some time wth kids. My 10 year old has been emotional today. It breaks my heart hearing her say she misses her daddy and not being able to tell her everything I'm trying to protect her from. So much of what has happened I hid from them. Prayers and good vibes appreciated. I'll check in tomorrow.
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 2:17 PM on Sunday, January 8th, 2023
It's ok to tell them the truth,in an age appropriate manner.
He's am abuser,a liar,a manipulator.
While you are getting out of the marriage, they can't go NC with him,even if they wanted to. The courts won't allow it. So now they will be subjected to his behavior. It would help them to know what to watch out for. IC is an excellent source, to help teach them the tools they will need to protect themselves from his emotional abuse..and possible physical. He will take his disdain for you, out on the kids. He will attempt to use them, in order to hurt you. The better equipped they are,they better.
[This message edited by HellFire at 2:18 PM, Sunday, January 8th]
I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.
Kb82 (original poster member #70826) posted at 3:28 PM on Monday, January 9th, 2023
Thanks Hellfire. I am trying to get IC squared away for all of us. My employer offers free sessions so that's a plus.
Yesterday was peaceful. My children went to church with their nana and I worked 14 hour day from home getting some overtime. I am so blessed to have my job. It was a slow day for me and I was able to move my bedroom around while working. I needed something "new".
I remember the dday In 2019 when I first came here. I found the sexting. I was a stay at home mom with 4 kids under 7, 1 being a 3month old. I had no income. When I found out about his sexting he stayed away from the home much of the time. He also was not helping financially to "punish" Me for holding him accountable for what HE did. I went to a lawyer then who told me I was stuck basically, just make him give you your checks until he proves he's not cheating". Yeah that's so easy. I shortly after this found out I was pregnant. We lost our van bc he stopped making payments. I remember that day like yesterday. The repo guy cried as he let my kids and I gather our things out of the van. That was such a painful time but it made me determined to never be in that situation again. I applied for jobs and started the one I have now 6 months pregnant. Things are different this go around. I'm not stuck this time.
I've been doing lots of reflecting the past few days. My old phone that I'm now using since He broke my new one contains tons of texts from a few months ago. This relationship has been so toxic for so long. Most of the messages were me upset about him being disrespectful and him telling me I had no right to be upset. There were even some where I told him I knew he was using porn and him telling me no he wasn't, I'm just problematic starting an argument like always. These in particular made Me angry bc back then I didn't have proof he was but just knew somehow. All the gaslighting and lies and then come to find out I was right the whole time. He made me question myself an got violent towards me, all bc he is a broken person and can't hold himself accountable. There's something evil about that, IMO.
I never get on Instagram. I looked yesterday and WH is still connected to mine. He posted after all this happened "when the person you need comfort from is the one that hurt you, what do you do?"
All this reminded me how self centered he is. I Googled some of his behaviors and "sociopath" popped up.
Sorry for the al over the place post. Just reflecting on my thoughts the past few days. Thanks for te support.
nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 4:52 AM on Tuesday, January 10th, 2023
Kb you're doing so well. The longer you are away from him the more you will realize how toxic and awful he is. If you didn't get a chance to watch a few of Dr. Ramani's videos that someone mentioned earlier. They are so good when you're dealing wish someone who uses DARVO and gaslights you all the time. They help you see clearly.
Remember always, you are so strong, look at how far you've come since the first time around!
Kb82 (original poster member #70826) posted at 2:48 PM on Tuesday, January 10th, 2023
nomudnolotus, thank you so much. I will definitely watch Dr Ramani. I had started before he got violent that night and some of the stuff she says really hit home with how he is. I appreciate the support. I keep finding more messages on Facebook, Instagram between us at different times over the past year and gosh it was toxic. In one of them I had said "you disrespected my boundaries " and he said "boundaries? We are married ". Many I had told him I knew he was watching porn again. At this time I had no proof. He told me I was out of my mind, just looking for trouble, etc. The whole time I was right. Other ones were when he once knocked me down in our closet with the door. Claimed he thought I was a box. Times of him getting rough and abusive and pretending it didn't happen.
I just spoke with a "bulldog" lawyer and have a consultation with her this Friday. Thanks for the support everyone.
Kb82 (original poster member #70826) posted at 8:25 PM on Tuesday, January 10th, 2023
Well DHS just showed up at my door. I knew it was coming. I asked her if it was from the incident or did someone call and she said "I'm not at liberty to say." I said "I know it was my MIL." She just smiled and didn't say anything. I was working and the kids are with my mother. I let her come in and look around. She said the appointment will take a little bit so she will come back Thursday.
This is going to be a long road. My youngest is 3 so there's 15 years of this. I see clearly where my husband learned his behaviors from. When he and MIL don't get their way, use the justice system to taunt and intimidate people.
Pray for me. I'm up against real evil.
Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 8:42 PM on Tuesday, January 10th, 2023
Other ones were when he once knocked me down in our closet with the door. Claimed he thought I was a box. Times of him getting rough and abusive and pretending it didn't happen.
I don't think until now you fully understood the depth of your husband's depravity. You have painted a picture to us of an awful and violent man. I mean, I've been married now for 13 years and I've never once even before marriage had the thought of laying my hands on my wife. Sure, we've both been fuming red mad at each other plenty, especially when infidelity was involved in our lives, but never has there been intentional physical harm done to one another. Like all married couples, we've slipped, tripped and had our share of tumbles. Hell, just a few weeks ago, I was in a hurry going down the stairs and I missed a stair wearing my socks and I went skidding down a few stairs on my backside. I had no one to blame that one on but myself and that is often the case because I'm the klutz who hurts his back while re-wiring a light switch or mowing the lawn.
It sounds to me like your husband has been so regularly violent with you that unless it was serious you didn't even notice the abuse or the very least acknowledge it...and now that you've come up for a second to breathe, you are seeing him for who and what he is. It sounds like him and his mother are dangerous people and I think you are right to protect yourself and your children with cameras, hidden video recorders, etc. etc. You know that you can setup some smart cameras to monitor your home both the interior and exterior? I have some cameras setup on automated routines so we can keep an eye on our cats when no one is home, but when I'm at home in the living room or kitchen, there is no recordings being taken and the cameras are set to reactivate when the last of us heads up for bed at night. If you want more information about those, I may be able to help, just send me a DM
Myself - BH & WH - Born 1985 Her - BW & WW - Born 1986
D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020
Kb82 (original poster member #70826) posted at 10:17 PM on Tuesday, January 10th, 2023
Bor9455, you are correct. I minimized stuff he did for so long. I guess I was numb to it? And he wasn't "hitting me directly with his fist", it was smaller things like slamming the closet door into me bc" he thought I was a box", etc. In early 2021 we were arguing. I had already planned going to a storage unit before this argument to put some household things in there bc we were getting ready to move. So during the argument it was escalating so I got in my car to leave. The next thing I know the back window of my van was shattering. I was in shock. I knew he had threw something at my car but wasn't sure what. I didn't stop and went on to the storage unit. When I got back he was gone. I started looking around outside to see what he had thrown and it was an open pocket knife! not a tiny one. A bigger one. Of course he downplayed it. "I wasn't trying to hit you." Etc. He complained about not having any money after having to replace the windshield. SMH. I look back on that stuff shocked and terrified of how used to stuff like that I was. No he didn't "punch me or directly hit me most of the time". But he would do things that physically hurt or threatened me and pretend as though they were unintentional. It feels good to be away from it. Now they are trying to control me with DCS. I'm a good mom and take care of my kids so I say bring it on.
The dcs lady immediately noticed the huge hole in my kitchen island that he kicked in it the other night. I told her he kicked it. Thanks for the support.
nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 2:03 AM on Wednesday, January 11th, 2023
I'm so sorry you're now having to deal with another aspect of his evil KB. Stay strong, be with your kids, that's all you can do.
EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 2:40 AM on Wednesday, January 11th, 2023
Kb82 I'm so happy for you that you're gaining clarity and peace. What a tremendous gift that is after being exposed to so much uncertainty and abuse for so long!
Also can I just say that I'm so fucking proud of you.... Do you have any idea how hard it is to break free of an abusive marriage like this? So many victims just live like this forever. I'm so glad you're getting clear of this, and you should be so proud of you too.
Please be very careful during this transitional time tho. Times like this are when icks like your stbxwh lose their shit. Just be very vigilant and do whatever you can to give yourself backup and support. Get a plan together for just in case things go sideways.
"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger
"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park
Kb82 (original poster member #70826) posted at 2:37 PM on Wednesday, January 11th, 2023
Ellie and NoMud thank you both for the support! I appreciate you guys.
zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 2:41 PM on Wednesday, January 11th, 2023
I second everything Ellie said!!
Please, please do everything you can to stay alert and keep yourself safe.
A woman in my very safe small town just lost her life to her crazy ex. He had done things like vandalizing her car multiple times prior to waiting for her outside her place of employment and shooting her.
I'm not trying to scare you. I just want you to really understand how dangerous these types of men are. Stay safe and always have a plan. Carry pepper spray and something that makes a loud noise in emergencies.
"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."
D-day April 2010
nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 2:43 AM on Friday, January 13th, 2023
Kb82 (original poster member #70826) posted at 3:40 AM on Friday, January 13th, 2023
Nomudnolotus, doing good. Thanks so much for checking. Dcs was supposed to come back today but messaged saying she'd have to reschedule. Have been tired all day so the kids and I have had a lazy rainy day watching movies. Bulldog lawyer appointment tomorrow. H transferred me $120 which is better than nothing I guess. Very calm and peaceful. Watched some Dr ramani videos and researched narcissism, especially things they say and WOW. it was like reading my biography of my marriage. I will update tomorrow after speaking with lawyer. Thanks for your support.
NotSureAboutIt ( member #69836) posted at 4:25 AM on Friday, January 13th, 2023
Your husband has untreated bipolar disorder. Everything you have described is a symptom of this incurable debilitating disease. I know. I am bipolar. Before I was diagnosed and properly medicated,I was a pretty crappy husband. Almost twenty years later, we are very happily married. It requires scrupulous adherence to a medication schedule, regular visits with a psychiatrist and the support of friends and loved ones.
Your husband is sick. Like cancer or heart disease, bipolar is not the patient’s fault. He desperately needs treatment.
nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 4:26 AM on Friday, January 13th, 2023
I thought those videos might be an eye opener for you. I hope the appointment goes well with the lawyer, let us know, and stay safe.
Topic is Sleeping.