Age Appropriate Answers
Any tips on age appropriate answers for a 5 year old? It's rare, but occasionally my child might ask "why doesn't daddy live here?" or "I wish daddy lived here too."
I'm not too sure what to say here...for now I've said something like "we need two houses right now."
What are some other responses I could use?
2 comments posted: Wednesday, November 16th, 2022
The rollercoaster of co-parenting with a narc
Since DDays and deciding to separate, I've taken the mindset that I could be civil and friendly for the sake of any joint parenting things related to our child. Despite all the pain and devastation he caused me, I could be that aside to have a civil demeanor.
Apparently, not him He calls me the other day to tell me about a dental procedure he needs, as he's walking into the pharmacy the conversation quickly goes like this from him "....I've just been under so much stress, so much going on...and that's the thing with you you never wanted to understand me...." which launched into a 40+ minute phone call of him ranting at me justifying he only cheated because I was so disrespectful. I was able to end the call saying he was taking away my parenting time with this. He then proceeds to block me on every social media account lol.
I'm more angry that what I thought we could have as this "divorced but amicable" isn't going to happen because of HIM. How am I that bad guy ALL THE TIME to him?!
I'm also annoyed because in the agreement he said he'd pay the child support weekly. I've always had to text him to remind him to pay. And I DON'T WANT TO! He knows he has this as this "control" over me that if he doesn't transfer it I have to ask. Do I keep texting him every week when he's missed the date to pay?
Disclaimers: Yes I know I should have cut the phone call off from the jump. I know I should have been "no contact" as much as possible from the beginning, but I thought we could be this modern divorced couple who can get along for this kids. Obliviously he can't.
13 comments posted: Saturday, November 5th, 2022
Death in my family and dealing with my narc ex
So last night my aunt passed away after a battle with cancer. We knew this was coming, and last week I mentioned to my ex if the passing happened when it was supposed to be my weekend with our daughter I would see if he could watch her so I could attend funeral services alone. He then said well what if he wanted to go and pay his respects? I told him I'd want to go alone, and not go with him in any sort of "family" way. We didn't discuss further but also unsure if he took my answer firmly.
Now, the funeral services are this weekend and it is his weekend with our daughter so seemingly no change in plans needed. However, my debate is do I tell him she passed away and risk him trying to go to the services and somehow make this about him? Or do I just not say anything, and deal with it when he most likely sees something on Facebook?
I just want to grieve with my family without him making this somehow about him but then I'll deal with the backlash later of his anger.
10 comments posted: Wednesday, September 28th, 2022
A dream with the AP
I'm not doing well today. Last night my brain decided to give me a dream with the AP in it.
I dreamed I was back in my childhood home, and WH left for work. I went to the TV room and AP was asleep on the couch, just waking up and scrambling to leave because she overslept and should have been out of the house so I didn't see her. I walked up to her and asked "why?" Of course, I don't remember the answer, or maybe I woke up.
But today I'm just, sad. It wasn't even real yet it feels like I saw her face to face. And now the feelings of wanting to know "why...why were you a side chick to a married man?" are all resurfacing when I thought I was getting beyond that. Ugh.
6 comments posted: Wednesday, September 14th, 2022
It's always all about him
I want to scream. I'm so tired of his victim mentality.
WH and I had one car during the marriage, a lease. The lease was set to end April of this year, but due to crazy car market we chose to extend the lease by 6 months on the agreement he would keep the vehicle until October this year and when I moved out I would get my own lease. Which is what I did. I went thru this process (a stressful one) all on my own, and secured a new lease.
Now, his lease is up in 30 days. Of course, drama drama drama. Screaming at me he doesn't have the money for any due at signing amount...I'm not being understanding, I'm the one getting child support, it's so hard for him etc etc. He's also blown through his half of our saving account we split (about $4k) and has no idea how to budget. Yet somehow this is all my fault.
I calmly said I would give him the contact information for the dealership I used so he can see if they can work a deal, or he can contact the financial institution this current lease is thru to see about buying the vehicle at lease end.
I'm just...exhausted. He's raging now and I'll have to see him tomorrow when he gets visitation with our daughter. I hate that he can't keep his life together, and I hate that everytime he fails it's somehow my fault.
Mostly a rant lol, thanks for listening.
11 comments posted: Wednesday, September 14th, 2022
Updates 7 Months After DDay1
Wanted to share where things are at. What a WHIRLWIND 2022 has been, yikes!!
When I found that first phone call to a motel back in January I had the feeling of "welp, this year is gonna be a doozy."
I'm so proud of myself how strong, resilient, and calculated I was to be able to get through the multiple DDays to where I am now.
We went through mediation for the financial separation and the custody agreement. I was wracked with stress for months over this, but the moment he signed and it was notarized I felt this big sigh of relief.
I got my own car!
I moved into a new apartment with my daughter last month. There's PEACE in the home. No walking on eggshells, no having to deal with someone's temper tantrums and manipulation.
I still need to officially file the divorce papers, but I've just done a ton of the heavy lifting getting to this point.
For anyone considering separating and divorce...YOU CAN DO IT! Make a plan, run the numbers, keep putting one foot in front of the other and don't stop or waiver.
4 comments posted: Wednesday, August 17th, 2022
Random Questions for Single Parents
So I currently have an income generating website and toying with the idea of starting another to have another potential income source. Since I'll be a single mom starting next week I figured this may be a good niche for me to try and develop some content for.
If you're a single parent, what types of things would you search for on Google/Pinterest...or what types of things do you like to see content for? Things like:
Recipes/Things to make with kids
Alone time activities (when children are with other parent)
Grocery shopping/budgeting food costs
Just trying to get some ideas for what content I can make to help.
I know for me I've been searching for:
Small space decorating, themed rooms for girls like "unicorn bedroom"
Easy make ahead breakfasts and lunches
Cheap/free kid activities
At home pre-school ideas
7 comments posted: Thursday, June 30th, 2022
If your WS started a relationship with the AP after separation
I move out with my daughter next week. Our custody agreement is notarized, just need to submit with the divorce request but we both signed and I can breathe a big sigh of relief there.
So one of the sections states we are not to introduce a romantic partner to our daughter until the relationship has been exclusive for at least 6 months, and you've given your ex the opportunity to meet this person.
I know WH is still seeing the AP when he can and still keeps on most likely still has daily communication from a burner phone at work. They've had this ongoing "relationship" since December which I am a little shocked he's been with her this long and he hasn't discarded her. Anyway, I'm dreading what if he makes that 6 month monogamous requirement (and I get to meet her ) and our daughter actually meets this vile woman.
How did you handle the emotional stress if your child has had to meet the AP?? Of course this could never come into reality and could be all my mental games. Part of me is scared he'll do it just to make me sad and angry. I seriously would crumble to think of this woman interacting with my child.
5 comments posted: Thursday, June 30th, 2022
Things Narcs Say
Taken from a phone call with WH this morning.
"I'm going to starve! I can't cook when I get home from work and can't afford takeout everyday"
"Your family is going to think I'm a cheating monster, they won't know the full story!"
"Your pride was the problem, you're tit for tat, you couldn't just give me what I wanted." (sex on demand basically)
"I'm being forced to separate, I didn't want this!"
I'm scared because we haven't signed the divorce/custody mediation yet. What if he changes and decides he's not going to sign the custody agreement? I just want this to end already it's exhausting dealing with the ups and downs. I'm scared as my moveout gets closer and closer and more changes happen he's going to escalate and retaliate.
11 comments posted: Monday, June 13th, 2022
Why can't I just accept not getting the truth
This is probably more of a vent. But argh why am I like this .
WH still says to be "you're the only one I want" "I want to be faithful to you"...meanwhile on Friday he was with AP. He comes home from being with AP and is all "let's go out to dinner as a family!" the next morning our daughter had a sporting event and he comes with and puts his arm around me like he's some kind of loving husband.
I want him to know so that I know where he was....but holding back because I don't want to reveal I checked the phone records and the toll booth records that morning. Plus, we're still in custody mediation and I don't want anything to blow up in my face.
I'm just....I can't STAND the knowing he is with AP and him thinking I believe his BS of "I'm not with anyone, I want you!!"
16 comments posted: Wednesday, June 8th, 2022
Guilt of not being able to forgive
As my move out date gets closer, I'm really struggling with the guilt and anger that my WH affairs has brought all of this into reality.
With all of the life-changing transitions on the horizon, I'm just fuming that it feels like it's my fault. I'm the one that can't forgive him, I'm the one that just cannot get over the years of infidelity and multiple physical affairs, I'm the one that can't live with a man I have no respect for anymore. And because of all that I'm the one giving my daughter divorced parents, if she asks for him during the week it's because of me she's not seeing him.
I'm so angry at him for being this way and not being a faithful husband. From DDay1 my main source of anger to him was how dare you make my reality the one where I have to choose. And when I think of how sad and empty I feel about this I have to think about how callous he was during his affairs. When he was getting oral from a woman at work was he thinking he could lose his family? When he left us the day after Christmas to spend ALL DAY with a different woman in a hotel was he thinking of not seeing his daughter everyday anymore?
20 comments posted: Wednesday, May 18th, 2022
In July I'll be on my own again, single mom life with my toddler. I can afford my living expenses, but there won't be much left after that to build an emergency savings or plan for a small vacation once a year.
Anyone find any virtual side business work that brought in some extra $$? Like UpWork, virtual assistant type stuff and have some success?
6 comments posted: Tuesday, April 26th, 2022
Would you message this AP or no?
So in another DDay recently, I found that back in late 2016 WH was sending dick pics and receiving explicit photos from a long-time female friend of his. I never met this woman in person, but she followed me on IG and responded to my stories a handful of times. Discovering these photos now is boiling my blood, and naturally I have the urge to message her just like a "FYI eventually this stuff gets discovered". Idk even know if she uses IG still.
I'm guessing the recommendation will be to let it go.... but it's taking so much restraint not to say something...especially because during this time WH and I were trying to conceive and meanwhile he's going back and forth with her with dirty photos.
9 comments posted: Saturday, April 2nd, 2022
Probably a serial cheater, looking to find peace
I had posted my original story on JFO last month, I think I was getting confused with another posted who also has mommabear in the name so I took a step back from posting for a bit.
Figured I'd jump over here now. A brief summary:
-Had found out WH was having an affair with someone from work. Had been using weekends to stay with her in hotels. Spoke in Spanish together so he could even carry on conversations with her in the next room and I assumed it was his mom.
-After I confronted him I used his old cell phone that linked to his current phone to see he was searching for hourly motels near his job, and was using Google translate to talk to her through text....they were talking about taking a day off of work and she was jealous that I now had him on the weekends when that was "her time".
After that most recent DDay where I saw he had not gone NC I knew I was done, but was so paralyzed by fear, shock, everything I didn't know how to take the next steps I knew I needed to do. I still checked the old phone all day, waiting for the next slip up that would be the 2x4 I needed. Which brings me to last week...
I went into his deleted photos and found he accidentally took a screenshot of a video he was watching...the video I could tell was from his phone and it was of a woman performing oral. Date on the video was Feb 2021 Horrified, I scroll all the way back to his videos from Feb 2021 and there it was....2 videos he took of a woman performing oral on him. And the realization that the screenshot only happened because he was WATCHING the video last week. He must watch this video all the time for gratification
I confronted him that night and said divorce is the only option. I won't reconcile and I don't want to. To be honest, the sense of relief I got after that conversation was liberating. He was distraught, crying, fearful of the future. We are being amicable as I plan my next steps over the next few months to move out. We have a toddler and I want to make the transition as smooth and organized as possible.
I'm sure many of you can relate how scary it is to look at your spouse and think "did I ever really know you?"
In my heart, I believe he probably had been unfaithful countless times. The boldness of recording the cheating and I believe based on background noises that this happened at his job
9 comments posted: Saturday, March 19th, 2022
Still reeling and new discoveries
My DDay was nearly 3 weeks ago and the trickle truths and new discoveries keep coming.
First major discovery was my WH met with the OW at a hotel on a night I was at my moms with our daughter (OW is someone he met at work, different departments but same company). I could see through phone records the conversations had been going on about a month. He was even bold enough to carry on a phone conversation with her in the next room and since he speaks Spanish and I don't they could converse openly and he told me it was his mom.
Now yesterday I found an old phone of his and turned it on, website history synced to his current phone he's using and I could see that about 4 days after DDay he was searching for hourly motels near his job (his answer to this is he was searching for us for like a meetup during the day as a spicy role play)....this doesn't make sense as I work from home with our toddler all day, and only have 1 day a week where I have help.
I also could see thru history all of his Google translations (OW speaks only Spanish, WH speaks Spanish but needs translator to read/write it). There were two sexual translations in question from the last few days....his response is he was helping a friend translate. He's also saying that she is messaging a coworker and the coworker shows him the messages (don't believe this I think they were using whatsapp or something that won't go on a phone record because in is search history he searched if WhatsApp shows on a phone bill)
I'm just in a fog. I feel like the writing is clear on the wall and he's telling me not to believe what is there.
Thanks for reading, needed to get this out since I can't share with people who know me :(
34 comments posted: Friday, February 11th, 2022
Long shot, anyone have a non conventional custody arrangements?
This is probably me just wishful thinking…
The one thing right now that my WH and I have in common is we both love our daughter and want her in our life everyday (she’s 4). The thought of me not seeing her for a weekend or not having her in my care kills me. And also the thought of her not seeing her daddy everyday I know would affect her.
Does anyone have any arrangements such as you and your ex moved close to each other, like rented apartments in same complex? Or something where each parent could see your child everyday even though they reside primarily at one location.
7 comments posted: Wednesday, February 9th, 2022