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Newest Member: cobblerock

New Beginnings :
I guess it's safe to update

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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 12:03 AM on Friday, March 29th, 2024

Hey, at least you tried. It’s good that you recognized your discomfort and pulled back. Take whatever time you need to get centered. Then you’ll know what your next step should be.

I continue to be impressed by your self-awareness and your overall progress post infidelity sh**show. Keep going, JSG!

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 12:04 AM, Friday, March 29th]

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8831242
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 6:20 PM on Friday, March 29th, 2024

Thanks WTB! Life used to be so easy, in predictable. I had a wife, kids a house, extended family, and I knew where I fit. Sure, the wife thing was a lie, but I didn't know.

Now, my life is authentic, but that authenticity comes at a price, loneliness and sadness. But, it does come with a sense of peace. I just to get back to contentment.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8831420
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Perdita1 ( member #67654) posted at 9:24 PM on Saturday, March 30th, 2024

Hi JSG,

Thanks for pointing me to your post, I read it all though, but your last update really resonated with me - before knowing where you fit, now living authentically but at a price. I’m really feeling that, and some days it’s just so hard.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8831549
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 1:34 AM on Monday, April 15th, 2024

Well, I guess I should post an update for anyone out there who cares. I'm continuing to do the OLD thing, and have gone on about 10-12 dates. Only one have peoven promising, so it might turn into a second. I must admit, I seem to be very cautious. I guess that's how it goes getting burned over and over.

Speaking of burned, I decided to peel my ass off the couch and go out. Went out for the weekly country dance lesson on the weekend, and guess who I saw? Yeah, the exGF. Now, because I am all grown up, I immediately went up to her to say hello, then got a drink. Here's the weird. When the lesson started, I made a point of standing at the far end of the floor, so as to avoid awkward. She comes and stands next to me.

She apologizes as she says she must be the last person I'd like to see. I obfuscate, and tell her I have an EXWW who comes here regularly. 30 seconds later, we rotate. Partner up again. She asks me if this is awkward for me. Remember, I'm a grown man. I say no, it's fine. We rotate. Now, I haven't asked her anything at this point, because, I dont really give a shit, but I relent and ask if it's awkward for her. She says yes. We practice the move and I can see her flushing, eyes getting red, and ask if she's okay, not in the I'm concerned about you, but in the ate you choking way. She says no, says she needs to leave now, and runs out of the bar crying.

So, my guess is that shiny new BF didn't work out and she is feeling the bitterness of regret. She hasn't reached out to me as she is conflict avoidant and I'll never reach out to her, as I'm not interested in being a plan B. Never have, never will.

So that's my update. I think I'll plan a second date with the woman I met online and see where that goes. At the very least, I'll have made a new friend. Still, I can't help but shake my head at the exgf's behaviour. You engineered this, got what you planned and now cry about it. WTAF?

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 2:47 PM, Monday, April 15th]

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8833532
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 2:53 AM on Monday, April 15th, 2024

Hey JSG I'm following along! Good on you for going out and also coping with the weirdness factors.

I'd have to say, based just on this evening, you managed to dodge a bigger bullet than you realized with that XGF! Most likely she has a life history of destruction in her wake. Too bad, so sad.

I'm clapping for you. And the part where you are more guarded? Makes complete sense.p to me, too.

posts: 2071   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8833536
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:02 AM on Monday, April 15th, 2024

Good luck with the second date. I hope it goes well.

Glad you went to the country dance lesson, but dang! She must have known you'd show up one of these days. I think you handled the situation very well. XWGF? Not so much.

I like reading your updates, so please keep posting.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8833537
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:03 PM on Monday, April 15th, 2024

Still, I can't help but shake my head at the exgf's behaviour. You engineered this, got what you planned and now cry about it. WTAF?

You see the reality. She sees the world through a different lens. Probably thinks it's just bad luck that her relationships always fail. That she never ends up with the good guy. Still seeing you as Neo. A less evolved guy would have fallen for giving her another chance that she was hoping. She went there and engaged with you just for that purpose.

posts: 1602   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8833570
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 7:24 PM on Monday, April 15th, 2024

She must have known you'd show up one of these days

She went there and engaged with you just for that purpose.

It does appear to be this way I wonder if she did knowingly show up hoping you would be there.

Hope the second date goes really well. Have a great time!

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8833610
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 1:37 AM on Tuesday, April 16th, 2024

Mmm hmmm… (slowly nods head.)

I’m not surprised at all at your update. Although I will admit, I am surprised at how quickly it happened.

You are a class act, JSG. You handled the situation perfectly. Not that that we are keeping score but… #winning!!!

Good luck with that second date. Keep us posted. I really enjoy reading your updates.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8833646
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 9:58 PM on Tuesday, April 16th, 2024

You handled this with class. I hope your second date is enjoyable.

One thing I have learned is that when someone does something not acceptable to me or pulls away and then I take them back into my life they may have tested me to see what I will accept. Kind of grooming me to be a schmuck.

I hope you are living your best life ever!

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8833721
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 12:35 AM on Friday, April 19th, 2024

I'd like to say I'm living my best life, but it sure doesn't feel like it.

I don't imagine I'll see the exgf any time soon after the last encounter, but I'm still trying to wrap my head around the tears... oh well. Any theories?

So I asked that woman out on a second date and she agreed. We are going on a short hike and then hit a winery for lunch on the weekend. I'll keep you posted.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8833941
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1994 ( member #82615) posted at 12:40 AM on Friday, April 19th, 2024

I think the obvious answer was that she regretted her choice. Or it could be that she was feeling shame for treating you the way she did after your experience with your XWW. I imagine you showed her true indifference, and maybe even a little dismissiveness. I've found that insecure EXs can't seem to handle it when they see you living well after moving on.
Either way, don't let it get into your head. She showed you who she really was, which is not someone you want in your life. Believe her. Enjoy your date.

posts: 165   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8833942
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 1:38 AM on Friday, April 19th, 2024

"So I asked that woman out on a second date and she agreed. We are going on a short hike and then hit a winery for lunch on the weekend. I'll keep you posted."

That sounds like a lot of fun.

I guess infidelity changed me, but If someone ghosted me in an intimate relationship I would take that as a clear example of them showing me who they are. And that way of being does not align with my values and desires. In other words just knowing WHAT they did is sufficient for me to make a decision about whether I wanted them in my life. I don’t need to know their "why". Someone said something that hit home for me… "I am not a rehab center for dysfunctional partnerships. ".

There are people out there who are respectful, honest, faithful partners and I absolutely believe we can find them!

Enjoy your date!!!

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8833949
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hardyfool ( member #83133) posted at 4:23 AM on Saturday, April 20th, 2024

@Justsomeguy

I don't imagine I'll see the exgf any time soon after the last encounter, but I'm still trying to wrap my head around the tears... oh well. Any theories?

I would wager on regret or embarrassment were the emotions of the day. My first question when I read your posting was where was the new dude. I always assumed dance lessons were done as a couple, but I'm really boring by nature.

She showed you who she is during that very odd breakup, plenty of other people to meet, especially if you are brave enough to go to a dance lesson solo...

posts: 143   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2023
id 8834176
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 3:17 PM on Saturday, April 20th, 2024

My guess is that new guy didn't work out. Plus, from his FB profile that I quickly glance at, he doesn't seem like a guy who would two-step. I suspect that she has a history of toxic relationships filled with chaos. Some comments she made about previous relationships make me lean this was. She did make an interesting comment to me about 3 months in. She said that she has never met a man like me, and no matter how stressful her day was, the moment she is with me, she gets a feeling of calm wash over her. At the time, I took it as a compliment. Now it seems to be a flag.

I'm not under the impression we were perfect for each other, but we did have something good. Now I'm wondering if being with an emotionally mature partner who did not bring chaos and drama to the relationship was just too unfamiliar and she self-sabotaged what she had. No matter, it's all conjecture on my part.

I'm feeling better these days and have concluded that it's for the best, at least for me. I've been exercising regularly, trying to lose that last five pounds. Renos are slow but moving forward, and I've been pouring myself into a passion project I've been working on for the last few years. It has been cathartic for me. Still, I would like a partner. One day maybe...

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 3:23 PM, Saturday, April 20th]

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8834200
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 2:55 AM on Monday, April 22nd, 2024

I think - my opinion - she expected you to run after her when she left. Glad you didn't. smile

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3731   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8834334
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 3:07 PM on Tuesday, April 23rd, 2024

Well, the new woman flaked on me. Initially, she canceled due to illness and then deleted her account.

I've been doing some research on OLD, and overall, there seems to beca feeling that it is in its twilight as a vehicle for meeting people. Many reasons from oversaturation to human behaviour.

Also, there is much talk about a looming loneliness epidemic in NA. So we have large numbers of people who want to meet their someone, and an inability or unwillingness to do so. Frustrating to say the least.

Oh well...

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 4:17 AM, Wednesday, April 24th]

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8834471
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 9:17 PM on Tuesday, April 23rd, 2024

I’m sorry she flaked, and I’m glad you’re not taking it personally. Online dating is hard. The few times I tried it, my profile was only out for a couple of days. Then I would hide it because my inbox was overwhelmed (I think it’s generally like this for women versus men). I’d go on a few dates, and I would burn out quickly. My energy would turn bad, and I would delete my account. Yes, I wanted to meet someone, but I didn’t want to go through the process of dating. My introvert brain was just too overwhelmed.

Don’t write online dating off completely. I know many people who have met that way and are in good relationships. Just do it in small doses. Make a profile, go on a few dates, then go back into "hiding" and do the organic thing for a while.

Basically, live your life and be authentically you.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8834513
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:32 AM on Wednesday, April 24th, 2024

WTB has good advice. My DS2 is engaged to a nice girl he met on POF (Plenty of Fish) and dated for 5 years. Still, I haven't started dating because I'd prefer something more organic and don't care if I have another relationship or not.

Don't put pressure on yourself and enjoy the journey. I enjoy reading your updates.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8834548
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hardyfool ( member #83133) posted at 5:52 PM on Wednesday, April 24th, 2024

I experimented with online dating once and found the ladies to be less than optimal people for the most part.

Honestly it is just so darn easy to just get introduced through friends or just wandering about, nature never tolerates a vacuum so someone is always trying to fill that empty space.

posts: 143   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2023
id 8834581
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