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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

New Beginnings :
I guess it's safe to update

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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 8:55 PM on Sunday, February 4th, 2024

I'm doing well and in a good place despite the events of late. Maybe these 6 years of dealing with shit have changed me.

I prefer to think of it as you being secure in yourself. That a relationship is a bonus but not necessary for you to enjoy life. That's really the best place to be in life. Sorry, it came to this. You deserve someone that believes in you as a couple. She just wasn't capable of that. Most likely with anyone.

[This message edited by grubs at 8:55 PM, Sunday, February 4th]

posts: 1603   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8823557
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 2:34 AM on Monday, February 5th, 2024

While my so and I have healed quite a bit in relationship, not everyone chooses that. I have learned something so important in the past several years. That is letting people be who they are. Letting them do what they do. Letting them want what they want. I am sorry there was this sort of ending as opposed to an honest up front parting.
I am so much healthier now than i ever was. I see myself and relationships differently. I am sorry you went through the uncomfortable not completely up front parting. I wish you peace and happiness.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1676   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8823574
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:53 PM on Monday, February 5th, 2024

Sorry your relationship ended but I am so impressed with how you are taking it.
You keep growing and getting wiser and stronger and more confident. Sending you good mojo as you move forward.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6059   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8823619
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 7:15 PM on Monday, February 5th, 2024

Sorry to hear about the break up, JSG. I don’t like how she cleaned out her drawer before speaking to you. That was weak.

As mentioned above, you sound healthy and well adjusted. And I totally get not wanting to date anytime soon. It might be lonely sometimes, but we are totally at peace when we are single, aren’t we? I love the complete lack of drama. It’s priceless.

Keep on going, JSG. Life is good.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8823639
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Summertime22 ( member #79796) posted at 8:21 PM on Tuesday, February 6th, 2024

I am so very sorry to hear for your relationship ending. I know the pain when you invest in a new relationship post dday. It’s so hard. I know.

It sounds like she had slit of stressors in her life and that it certainly wasn’t anything to do with you. You sound like a strong, kind and balanced person. You have so much going for you. A beautiful home and family. A kind heart.

We are here for you.

posts: 266   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8823688
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 8:25 AM on Wednesday, February 7th, 2024

Sorry, JSG. Sounds like you're in a good place. Looking forward to your next update.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3573   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8823754
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 2:49 PM on Saturday, February 24th, 2024

Well, coming up to th four week mark, post breakup, but I'm not sure since I don't know the exact day.

Things are going reasonably well. Since we parted friends, we still chat and get along. There is no animosity, though I am still disappointed in how she handled the drawer thing. That was weak as someone said. I agree.

I'm still feeling a little sad it's over, but moving on with my life. Work has kept me busy and I'm doing some renos around here as I can afford to. Funny, when I was married, I never thought about the cost of materials. Now that I am on my own, I scour marketplace, Restore, and freebies, so everything takes a little longer. But it also gives me a sense of accomplishment that I've saved money and repurposed things, keeping them out of the landfill.

I've also starting back into a writing project I've been working on for the last few years. It got me through some difficult times and provided a creative outlet. I'd love to complete it and possibly publish.

She did send me a text floating the idea that when things settle for her, she would be open to trying again, but understood if I was not. I gave an understanding but noncommittal response. I don't know if she remembers our conversation where I said that I was not willing to be an on again, off again partner. Plus, this is not my first rodeo. I know how my feelings towards her can change as I detach over time. It is very difficult to recreate things, especially having things end twice before. A pattern emerges that must be considered.

So that's it. I'm back to being a lone wolf, which I actually enjoy. There's a freedom to being alone. Sure, I get the odd sad day peppered in there, but the majority of the time I am content. I've got my passion project to keep me focused and I'm moving forward. I'm not completely closed off to the possibility of meeting someone, but I'm certainly not looking, nor hoping.

Cheers everyone.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8825962
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 8:33 PM on Saturday, February 24th, 2024

"Now that I am on my own, I scour marketplace, Restore, and freebies, so everything takes a little longer. But it also gives me a sense of accomplishment that I've saved money and repurposed things, keeping them out of the landfill."

This sounds like a lot of fun!
Enjoying life is great way to live and a
great way to possibly meet someone who enjoys that same sorts of things!

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1676   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8825994
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 10:46 PM on Monday, February 26th, 2024

She did send me a text floating the idea that when things settle for her, she would be open to trying again, but understood if I was not. I gave an understanding but noncommittal response. I don't know if she remembers our conversation where I said that I was not willing to be an on again, off again partner.

It'll be kinder to both of you if you break contact. Sounds like she wants to keep you as an option, and you know that's no longer a valid option.

posts: 1603   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8826179
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 1:52 AM on Tuesday, February 27th, 2024

Thanks Grubs. You are probably right, but I'm thinking of just letting this play out a little longer. Part of thecreason is that I'm not really interested in dating again, and I'm not particularly lonely, so there's really nothing pressing in my world.

At this point, I consider myself single and not a plan B. If the opportunity for a new relationship presents itself, then I will adjust things accordingly. I just don't care to go looking. I'm just content.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8826206
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 3:05 AM on Tuesday, February 27th, 2024

But grubs has a good point. I can so relate to where you are coming from now, like "let whatever develops, come to me..."

That was my guiding principle as I drifted through 4 years in my late 40's, wondering whether a better potential partner than my lukewarm man friend might yet show up. Meanwhile, every weekend my BF was in town, I continued to accept his invitations to go out to dinner, simply because it was pleasant and seemed so "safe" and somehow more gratifying to stay detached and "safe." It pleased me that he diligently called me pretty much nightly just to talk, unlike those hit and run BFs of passionate feelings then sudden discards I'd suffered in my prior dating relationships.

One Saturday, when my father came for lunch at my house and my BF was there, I was fixing us all a picnic lunch when my father surprised me in the kitchen by saying "I can tell you aren't in love with this man." My response was: "You're right, Dad, but he just won't go away!" (I was contrasting BF with the disastrous love affairs I'd been so hopeful about during previous years which my father had heard about.)

So I learned that in the aftermath of heartbreak, it can be an easy slide into "Well, you know what? I wasn't doing anything else this weekend, anyway." As I look back after multiple D-Days, only 4 years married before the first major betrayal, I can so easily identify that red flag of my blindness to BF's hot-and-cold issues...because all I cared about at that time was, if he was nice company for me...

So I'm with grubs on this gal, sorry.

posts: 2072   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8826207
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 4:34 PM on Tuesday, February 27th, 2024

I just went back and reread your last couple of updates. I agree that it seems she is keeping you as a back up option…( in case whatever she is pursuing right now does not work out!?!)

Things were going great, and then she suddenly cools toward you. Even on a romantic vacation, she is cool. Follow that with There is no intimacy, just cuddling And she cleans out a drawer. She claims divorce stress and needing time to heal… and ends the relationship with the man she’s been with for 10 months. 10 months. She just realized now she needs time to heal? I don’t know, man, it sounds like she met someone else and wanted to try him out. It sounds like she’s trying to leave the door open with you in case the other dude doesn’t work out. You are the prize, JSG. You are no Plan B. Go in with your eyes wide-open if she comes back around.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 3:00 AM, Wednesday, February 28th]

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8826260
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 10:21 PM on Tuesday, February 27th, 2024

I don’t know, man, it sounds like she met someone else and wanted to try him out. It sounds like she’s trying to leave the door open with you in case the other dude doesn’t work out. You are the prize, JSG.

Even if she isn't test driving, relationships, especially for someone with infidelity trauma, are hard work. JSG you deserve someone who is all in and for whatever reason she's shown she's just not capable of it with you. I don't doubt she's going to try and snag you again. Remember, you are the prize, but you need to get a prize in return. She's not that. Even on just a friend level.

posts: 1603   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8826320
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 4:43 AM on Wednesday, February 28th, 2024

Thank you forcthe replies. I am going to chew on them for a bit. I cannot tell you how much I value the input.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8826376
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 8:23 PM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024

Stick to refinishing and repurposing furniture, not romantic partners. wink

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:25 PM, Thursday, February 29th]

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 2011   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8826586
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 4:20 PM on Saturday, March 2nd, 2024

I think I'll keep myself open to the possibility of a relationship.

With that in mind, I found myself thinking about the comments. I don't think she is test driving another relationship, there just aren't any red flags. I think that she just does not process things in a healthy way, which is a red flag. Both times she has felt overwhelmed by the relationship, she has followed a pattern of withdrawal, closing communication, and conflict avoidance.to me, this speaks of a lack of emotional maturity.

We did go out to the pub to chat, but afterwards, I found myself feeling sad for the entire next day. Granted, this is compounded as we just put our dog down the night before, so my nerves were a little exposed.

Still, I think it wise to remain polite and cordial, but pull back. I don't want to seem like I'm holding a candle for her. I don't want her to think of me as a safe fallback position, because I'm not. I deserve to be with a woman who genuinely desires to be with me.

So, I'm about a month into the grieving process for my relationship and less than a week into the process of getting through losing my dog. Knowing what I know, it will take me another 2-3 months to get to a place of firmer footing for me. I'll just be patient and allow the unwanted feelings teach me what I need to know.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8826938
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 7:10 PM on Saturday, March 2nd, 2024

So sorry about your pup- that is hard. You seem to have a clear view of her, and are not just blindly following along. I think you ar going to be fine. (Also I love treasure hunting in Marketplace - so many good finds.)

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6059   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8826970
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 4:39 AM on Sunday, March 3rd, 2024

Having to put a dog down must be right up there on the top of the sorrow scale!

Allow yourself room to grieve and to breathe. It is a red flag this woman shuts down like that. I think you may be on to something with her avoidant style as hinting at being emotionally stunted. So many people are damaged as children. It isn't easy to spot, but the knee-jerk reaction of withdrawal and avoidance does not bode well for any relationship. Sorry you found this out about her. Even if she isn't testing out other options, which makes sense to me that she could be, at least in a virtual sense of looking around and fantasizing. Intimacy avoidance.

And the loss of the dog has to compound that disappointment!

posts: 2072   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8827030
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 11:06 AM on Sunday, March 3rd, 2024

One thing about surviving infidelity (the action, not the site!) is that we really get to know ourselves inside and out. You have a very clear view of yourself, JSG, and what you will require to move forward. I agree, you are going to be just fine. And regardless of why she pulled back, your ex-girlfriend definitely seems avoidant.

I’m so sorry about the loss of your dog.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8827040
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 12:47 AM on Monday, March 4th, 2024

Sorry for the loss of your pup.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3573   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8827110
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