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Newest Member: cobblerock

New Beginnings :
I guess it's safe to update

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justsendit ( new member #84666) posted at 6:21 PM on Friday, May 3rd, 2024

I’m new here but have been following your updates. I hope you’re doing well.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Mar. 29th, 2024
id 8835573
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 11:03 PM on Sunday, May 5th, 2024

Thanks JSI!

Update:

Well, things are getting better, but I'm still struggling with loneliness. I guess it's just part and parcel of being single at my age. Online dating has quickly become a desert. I tried bumble, but there were very few women on there, either in my area or in an appropriate age range. There was this button that kept popping up, asking me to consider lowering my standards. (I'm paraphrasing).

I've lost 5kg, which concerns me. I've been running and hitting the gym, but not eating enough, so I'm thinking of creating a dietary plan. Renos have slowed down as I've been focused on my passion project. I can't be too specific as it could identify me, but I launched my website and have gotten good reviews. Very few followers, but I'm just building my brand. If I can make this work,maybe I'll be able to skip eating cat food in my retirement.

I'm also learning how to podcast and have started collecting the gear. If I can make this work, I can secure a residual income for years to come.

The kids are good, and my older daughter just bought her first car. She needs it as she got promoted to a management position at work. It pays little, but it will give her something for her resumé. I really want her to get an education though.

My younger daughter is doing fine as well. She's working, but not a saver. We've talked about opening another savings account in a separate bank that she cannot touch. ADHD strategies I guess.

Haven't heard or seen the EXGF at all. My guess is that she's a bit ashamed and regretful. I'm sure she'll find out about my webpage and creep is, since is a commercial site. I'm also sure that I'll be hearing from her again.

Signing off for now.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 6:39 PM, Saturday, May 11th]

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8835721
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justsendit ( new member #84666) posted at 3:39 AM on Monday, May 6th, 2024

Thank you for the update! I’ve been humbled and humiliated far too many times in life to pretend to be wise, so I don’t have any wisdom to offer you. I hope your passion project and website work out better than you can hope :)

That’s so awesome about your daughters! Management without a degree is an accomplishment to be sure. College is so difficult these days, expensive as all get out and so many entry level jobs require a BA/BS which is just nuts. I mean, the receptionist at my dentist has a BS and they don’t offer the job to anyone without a degree. The world is a crazy and unfair place. Which puts guys like me, who have an inherent need to make sense, at a significant disadvantage laugh

Also, very cool about helping your other daughter save. You may (or may not - it’s your life) consider a high yield savings account or even an index fund instead of just a savings account. The interest is so much better and she can learn about compounding interest while not letting the money deteriorate in value. That’s about the extent of my financial knowledge so please take with a grain of salt and by no means solid life advice - just a passing idea, nothing more.

I really hope your projects work out for you. Sometimes quality partners pop up when we aren’t even looking for them, but I’m not one for blind optimism anymore. I just hope that things work out for you.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Mar. 29th, 2024
id 8835727
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:27 AM on Monday, May 6th, 2024

Good update, JSG. So glad things are going well for your DDs.

Good luck getting your brand up and running. Please keep us posted.

[This message edited by leafields at 6:28 AM, Monday, May 6th]

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8835731
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 9:35 PM on Sunday, May 26th, 2024

I thought I'd update.

Just to confirm that I indeed may have dodged a bullet with my exgf, I'll relate the latest. To be brief, I'm cleaning, and I find some minor items of hers. One is of some sentimental value, so ivset them aside and thought I'd drop them off when I'm out her way. She's not worth a special trip...

So, I'm heading that way and thought I'd drop them off. I fired off a text, out of courtesy, and without too much detail, her responses were curt and felt a little panicked. And to top it off, she told me to please NOT drop by the house. Hey, just trying to be a decent guy here...

So we agreed I'd leave them outside my place to be picked up. I wished well and left it.

I do find it very telling, when I have been nothing but respectful and kind, that she acts this way. There must be some seriously messy stuff inside her head. Not my monkey, not my circus.

Renos are slow, but moving forward. My special passion project is moving forward and I'm hoping for some success in the future. It's hoit and miss though. My website is slowly growing content and I'm exploring podcasting as well.

I've kinda given up on online dating as it is a very ineffective way of finding a possible partner. I do poke my head in once in awhile just to look though. Mostly, I'm just living my life and that's okay.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8837918
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 10:43 PM on Sunday, May 26th, 2024

She sounds like a nut, JSG. Focus on what you are doing, enjoy life. maybe jump back in to OLD, maybe just live your life and see what your positive vibe attracts. You deserve a fun summer!

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6059   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8837923
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:09 AM on Monday, May 27th, 2024

Wow, JSG. Bullet dodged with that one. I'm looking forward to hearing about your updates on your reno. Enjoy your summer and cheering for you.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8837928
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 4:28 PM on Monday, May 27th, 2024

I have been reading your post from the beginning - and your comments on OLD for the most part echo a lot of what I have heard from others IRL. IF I get to the point I am looking to meet someone else I have decided OLD will not be for me - your post kind of confirms it. Get out there and do the things you like to do and if you meet someone you will. My three biggest relationships of my life all came from random encounters: boyfriend 1 I met at the airport and we shared a cab together, the second was a customer at my work (a restaurant - I was a server), and WH I met at my sister's wedding. Sounds like you are like me - and old fashioned meet IRL person - and that's totally okay!

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

posts: 2359   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8837951
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 3:45 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2024

Well,I left the stuff outside and she picked it up. No thank you, no nothing... just in and out. Maybe it's me, but all of this seems weird. It seems childish on her part.

I'm beginning to suspect that there is something wrong in her noodle. It's a smallish city, so I'm sure I'll eventually get more of the story to satisfy my curiosity, but I'm not going to let it take up any more head space than it has.

On a side note, an old girlfriend reached out to me and we went out for a drink to catch up. Yikes. She was the one that had the two page must have list.

She filled me in on her life which was one bad decision followed by another. She wonders why she keeps choosing losers, as if her choices are just something that happens TO her. How can someone who has done that much therapy be so unable to see their own patterns of behaviour. We had a decent time where she talked and I mostly listened.

So that's the latest page in the latest chapter...

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8838014
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 10:40 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2024

So, I'm heading that way and thought I'd drop them off. I fired off a text, out of courtesy, and without too much detail, her responses were curt and felt a little panicked. And to top it off, she told me to please NOT drop by the house. Hey, just trying to be a decent guy here...

Well,I left the stuff outside and she picked it up. No thank you, no nothing... just in and out. Maybe it's me, but all of this seems weird. It seems childish on her part.

Either she has a new guy and her avoidant nature didn't want to explain you to him and she wanted to keep him hidden from you just in case, or she no longer lives where she did. If I had to guess, there's a new guy in her life. That's why she's being curt in that she doesn't want him to explain why you are texting her. Avoidant nature of her. Either way not your circus, not your monkey.

She filled me in on her life which was one bad decision followed by another. She wonders why she keeps choosing losers, as if her choices are just something that happens TO her. How can someone who has done that much therapy be so unable to see their own patterns of behaviour. We had a decent time where she talked and I mostly listened.

At this point in my life, I figure there are some people who are just not capable of self-reflection or accepting blame for their own choices. After action reports are a part of what I do for a living. It's not to assign blame but how to prevent reoccurrences. Primary question is what we could have done or not done that would have prevented this. It's not what someone else outside of our control can do or not do, but what we could control. Some people don't understand how to do that in their personal life.

[This message edited by grubs at 10:41 PM, Tuesday, May 28th]

posts: 1602   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8838062
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 11:36 PM on Wednesday, May 29th, 2024

"At this point in my life, I figure there are some people who are just not capable of self-reflection or accepting blame for their own choices. After action reports are a part of what I do for a living. It's not to assign blame but how to prevent reoccurrences. Primary question is what we could have done or not done that would have prevented this. It's not what someone else outside of our control can do or not do, but what we could control. Some people don't understand how to do that in their personal life."

This ^^^^^

Well said. I find better alignment with a partner who is able to self reflect and course correct.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8838177
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 10:39 PM on Saturday, June 8th, 2024

Hey JSG.

I am so impressed by you.

Being single is not for the faint of heart, and I think you are doing amazingly well. I agree with your cautious approach.

OLD is no picnic, I actually shut down my accounts and am working on me. I am slowly gaining confidence being alone. And It is ok.

Keep showing up for yourself!

Standing tall

posts: 2224   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8838970
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 2:52 PM on Sunday, June 9th, 2024

Thank you TG and others who have kept up on my progress or lack of.

Quick update.

I'm sitting in bed with my morning coffee thinking about my life. I've become a bit of a hermit these days, so I'm trying to force myself to get out. A female friend of mine invited me to her place for coffee yesterday, so I brought overcome pastries and we chatted on her patio. Ended up saying for almost 4 hours playing scrabble. It was nice to spend time with N adult, and it reminded me just how much I miss have a "someone". But, I'll take a good friend anytime.

My year is winding up at work, so I'll need to find ways to keep busy. I think I'll tile the back splash in my kitchen and do some painting. Mostly, I'll work on my passion project, which h has split into two now. Again, the likelihood of financial success is small, but it is very healing for me.

The kids are good, snd I'm going to try to spend more timecwith them this summer. I've got a few trips to the coast planned to visit my BFF. He has been a rock throughout my journey. We have one of those rare friendships where we can talk until the wee hours...

No sign of ex-gf, but I imagine we will cross paths at some point. For me, it will be mildly interesting, for her, I anticipate it will be awkward, given her avoidant personality. I equate it with scanning the local obituaries just to see who passed...

I'm a little sad that the memory of the 11 months we spent together has been sullied by her poor behaviour and duplicity. But people are their natures in the end.

Well, that's it for now.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8838997
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 9:27 PM on Sunday, June 9th, 2024

JSG

Your xGF is part of your journey, the next leg of your journey is around the corner. 🙂

Standing tall

posts: 2224   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8839042
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 6:40 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2024

Well, I guess it's time for an update.

I've hit the three-ish month mark since I found out my exgf monkey-branched on me, and am feeling much better. I've learned that 3 months is my standard processing time. I wouldn't say I'm good, but better. I'll take better.

The summer heat has hit and we are hitting 40C, so we are all cooking. I've been spending more time with a female colleague of mine. We are just friends and I'm fine with that. I can't really see it going beyond that. She's a single mom and has just moved into a place which needs work. She's had a very long and protracted D which is still being contested. I very much respect her and her willingness to do whatever it takes to give her daughter a decent life. Life has beaten her up, but she refuses to be anything but positive. She's a real lillies-of-the-field kinda person.

I help her quite often and she jokes that I'm on her speed dial. I enjoy helping people and if anyone deserves a break, she does. Plus, it gives me a sense of purpose and gets me out of my place.

I'm still done with online dating as the ROI for guys is so low. I'm happy just living my life and going my own way for now. My friendship with my colleague gives me enough human contact so as to avoid being really lonely, so that's good.

Oh, I should mention that my previous gf has been posting cryptic FB posts which I suspect are directed at me. She is about to become an empty nester and late 50's. She had ended our relationship as I just wasn't good enough and she thought she could do better. Well, after 5 years and some toxic relationships, she found the dating pool needed a bit of chlorine and was not sex in the city exciting. If you kept up with my other posts, you'll remember what a hot mess she was. I tend to attract those. Yeah, that's on me...

I had to go over to my EXWW's the other day, as she is purging and wanted to know if I wanted anything. She has a need to tell me about her life, so she info-dumped on me. Everything has always been about her, so if I listen, she will eventually tell on herself. She can't help it.

Turns out that she is going to sell her place because she is hemorrhaging money and going into debt. She plans to move in with her elderly mother who lives in a seniors building. (Spit coffee out here) I put on a poker face and nodded. On the inside, I was gobsmacked. She went from a 1.4m home in a desirable part of the city, working 2 days a week and going on tropical vacations, to destitute, working full-time at a career she hates and living with her mother in a 55+ building. And all of this because a grifter cowboy made her feel purdy and all tingly... Oh, how things have changed. The karma bus backed over you, didnt it sweetie?

She asked how I am doing and I just said fine. I dontvtend to sharecwith her as i dontvwant her knowing my business and ibdontbwant to gloat. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I've managed to build 60k of equity in my place in just over a year and I'm putting money away. Financially, things are pretty solid for me and if I am wise, they will continue that way.

So that's my update. Cheers all!

PS. No word on the last gf, but I'm certain I haven't heard the last from her. Things always seem to circle back in my world.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 10:46 PM, Wednesday, July 10th]

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8841980
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:58 AM on Wednesday, July 10th, 2024

Wow! I don't need a movie of the week after reading this. I hope you've been able to practice some self-care during this. Yes, I think the karma bus has backed up over her.

How are the home renovations going and are you still going line dancing?

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8842069
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 3:25 PM on Wednesday, July 10th, 2024

Great update with impressive self reflection and wisdom. Keep building that great new life!

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6059   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8842090
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 4:03 PM on Friday, July 12th, 2024

I've been spending more time with a female colleague of mine. We are just friends and I'm fine with that. I can't really see it going beyond that.

...Too early for her for sure, but It wouldn't surprise me if it goes beyond when's she ready. You're a catch and how you describe her makes her sound like one too.

posts: 1602   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8842383
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 3:06 AM on Saturday, July 13th, 2024

Another great update, JSG! Well done on the financial stuff. I’ve lost count of how many members, including myself, who are financially better off post-divorce from a cheater.

Your self-awareness continues, and it appears you’re living your best life. I look forward to your next update.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8842474
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 4:01 PM on Saturday, July 13th, 2024

"Well done on the financial stuff. I’ve lost count of how many members, including myself, who are financially better off post-divorce from a cheater."

^^^^this

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8842525
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