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Newest Member: cobblerock

New Beginnings :
I guess it's safe to update

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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 3:37 AM on Monday, March 4th, 2024

There are people who cannot confront issues or people so they seem wishy washy. I told a friend that NO was not going to hurt my feelings. This might be why your friend wanders in and out of your life. During the honeymoon stage birds chirped and there were rainbows. Coming back to earth with a thud was when real life started and her anxieties showed up.

Do you know the history of her marriage and breakup? It might help you to know more in depth info. If her stb ex is a pos she might have been beaten down by subtle and not so subtle bullying. It takes a long time for a positive self esteem to resurface. On the other hand she might have kept emotional distance from her ex. Your being cautious is smart.

Enjoy your house. I am not the builder but my H is. I do the painting, the furniture moving and the upkeep inside while does the outside. Sounds like you have renovation in your blood.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4274   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8827129
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 4:34 PM on Monday, March 11th, 2024

Well, it turns out you guys were right. I just saw a post on her FB page announcing that she was with a new guy. So she was test driving a new relationship. I suspect that there may have been some overlap between him and I.

I'm a bit sad but not surprised. It's funny. Having been through what I've been through over the years and having seen so much of human nature, people just don't surprise me anymore.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8828354
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 4:47 PM on Monday, March 11th, 2024

So she was test driving a new relationship. I suspect that there may have been some overlap between him and I.

Bullet Dodged. That she would do that, makes me feel for the new guy.

posts: 1602   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8828358
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 2:52 PM on Tuesday, March 12th, 2024

Yeah Grubs,I think you are right about the bullet thing. Although I've only known her for 19 months, if I step back, I see patterns of behaviour emerging. Still, it makes me a bit sad.

The new guy won't work out, just as we didn't. The common denominator is obviously her, and she is chasing the tingles to self medicate. So, I'm just going to file this in the lessons learned archive.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8828496
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 4:25 PM on Tuesday, March 12th, 2024

Well rats, JSG. I'm sorry that you had to go through that, bullet dodged and all that. I just wish people weren't so crappy.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8828506
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 6:45 PM on Tuesday, March 12th, 2024

Sorry, JSG. I suspect the overlap as well. Certain kinds of people (weak people) won’t leave without a soft place to fall. Be ready for her to come sniffing back around when this new guy doesn’t work out. You took her back once, she may count on you to do it again.

I’ll repeat, you are the prize. And your ship has sailed. Too bad so sad for her.

Keep moving forward, friend. You’re doing just fine.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8828537
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 1:56 AM on Wednesday, March 13th, 2024

No danger of letting her back into my life. Her recent behaviour coupled with past behaviour has definitely tipped the scales towards the "not worth the squeeze" category. Too many liabilities and too few assets.

I am struggling with feeling crappy though and I cannot seem to figure out why, given what I know. I'm wondering if it has triggered me in some subconscious way. Or maybe I feel played? I just don't know. I'd love some feedback.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8828624
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:59 AM on Wednesday, March 13th, 2024

Maybe not played. My least favorite is, "Well, shit! Betrayed again?" Rejected? Maybe. Grieving what might have been? That would be what I would do.

By the way, it's ok to feel crappy after a break up. We could start a list of great breakup songs. The Breakup Song by The Greg Kihn Band. Then there's Eric Carmen (RIP) and All By Myself and Never Gonna Fall in Love Again. My teenage heartbreak song was Air Supply's All Out of Love.

Rooting for you, JSG.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8828639
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 3:17 PM on Wednesday, March 13th, 2024

Break ups are always crappy, whatever the reason. Even if you know the person was not a good long-term fit, if they end it first. It stings a bit. That has happened to me a couple of times. Ultimately, I was relieved that I did not have to do the dirty work of ending it later on. It was a time saver.

It’s normal to feel bad for a bit. Feel those feelings. They are normal.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8828671
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 6:40 PM on Friday, March 15th, 2024

Yeah, this one has dredged up some emotions I thought I was done with. I had been on my own foe 3.5 years and was finally getting in the groove of being alone. Now that I have had a relationship, I found myself enjoying it. And just as I started to relax into it, boom! Now I fond myself back to square one in terms of feeling lonely again., so the journey to peace must begin again.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8829098
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Jajaynumb ( member #83674) posted at 8:04 PM on Friday, March 15th, 2024

I’m really sorry you had to go through more nonsense. Console yourself with knowing you dodged a bullet and if wasn’t as bad as last time.

If I were you I’d read up everything you can on narcs so you can avoid these people again. Also take the time to heal yourself with therapy.

https://library.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/661294/worse-than-hell-yes-its-all-true/

posts: 174   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2023   ·   location: Europe
id 8829125
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 9:09 PM on Friday, March 15th, 2024

Now I fond myself back to square one in terms of feeling lonely again., so the journey to peace must begin again.

If it helps I'm still picturing you as Neo.

posts: 1602   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8829143
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 2:41 AM on Saturday, March 16th, 2024

I know transitions can be really hard. Sorry that this one was unexpected and hurtful.

I do believe it is possible to find a partner who values you and has shared values.

I read something today that many people go into marriage with people who did not tell them the truth about what they wanted. Everyone deserves the truth in relationships. I am sorry that it seems you did not get it.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8829191
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 2:54 AM on Saturday, March 16th, 2024

Oops accidental duplicate post..sorry

[This message edited by Shehawk at 2:58 AM, Saturday, March 16th]

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8829192
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 7:14 AM on Saturday, March 16th, 2024

Grubs,

Why neo🤣?

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8829218
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:58 AM on Thursday, March 21st, 2024

I was picturing more of a thinner Al Borland from Tool Time. Must be the renovation projects you've discussed.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8829913
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 10:08 PM on Friday, March 22nd, 2024

Picture Walter White with a tattoo... and kinder...

Anyway, still having my bad days, but getting better. The renos help. When the bathroom is back together, I'm heading to the coast for a visit with my best friend, getting some brotien supplements.

Today I decided to look atvsll of the red flags and relationship liabilities by making a quick list. Shit, once I started, the list took on a life of its own. That was really helpful for mecas it allowed me to look at the situation rationally and separate my emotions.

On a positive note, I've been on two dates, but no connection. But at least I'm getting out there.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8830345
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 9:02 PM on Saturday, March 23rd, 2024

Good for you, JSG! Get out there and have fun!

And "Brotein?" Love that new word🤣

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8830472
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 11:50 PM on Saturday, March 23rd, 2024

Sorry you're still having bad days, JSG. They suck.

Sounds like you're going to be having some fun. Brotein - that's awesome! LOL!

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8830487
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 4:31 AM on Thursday, March 28th, 2024

Well, I tried online dating and even joined a singles page in my town.

The online experience was quite unproductive, especially considering the time investment. The singles group just caused me anxiety.

I pulled the plug on both of them as they were just causing me too much anxiety and stress. I recognized that I need to get to a place of peace again. Now I just need to figure out how to do that.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8831093
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