Vacations with the ex

So my divorce was finalized in 2021, although D Day was in 2018. Since the divorce my ex and I have done vacations together with the children, because they were very young and really struggling, especially if I was not around as I am the primary caregiver. Mostly it’s been fine, I was so nervous before the first trip but it worked out ok. These trips are entirely child-orientated, and we often rent apartments / houses so there are lots of bedrooms (although two of the children still prefer sharing with a parent when away from home).

We are currently on an overseas trip and this evening we had our first argument in front of the children in, probably, ever (even after D Day the screaming and crying was done while the kids were asleep / out of the house). He’s conflict avoidant, so I admit I was the one to lose it. And over something silly - where to go for dinner.

The thing is, dinner was the straw that broke the camel’s back. My ex (in addition to blowing up our lives with emotionless infidelity) likes to put me down, I suspect to make himself feel better. I don’t earn enough money, am less smart than him, can’t drive as well as him etc etc. It’s all done in the guise of a joke, so usually I laughingly retort back and the moment passes. I am careful to stand up for myself, but in a way that is not too serious so that the children don’t fret.

However, I’ve been sick for the past 10 days. I was lucky to make this trip (we’re only a few days in) and at one point felt so bad that I suggested he take the children without me and I join them as soon as I was fully recovered. The children obviously hated that thought and my ex kept saying that I was better and I should take the flight. In the end I flew with them and it was ok. On our second day I regressed a bit so I’ve been resting as much as possible with three children to entertain away from home. I do feel much better, but we took a short flight today and so I was tired this afternoon.

I know that when I’m tired I have less patience. And food has been a long-running issue - he tends to feed the kids junk, while I cook from scratch. He also tends to be on his phone during meals, while I ban phones from the table when the children are with me. So today when he shot down my dinner suggestions after I’d done the research to find something decent I was fed up. So I told him he could take the children wherever he wanted, I wasn’t hungry anyway and was tired so would stay back in the apartment and get an early night.

I go to my room and start getting sorted. He comes in and says that actually he’s realised we should go to the restaurant I’d suggested. By this point it’s too late to book a table there. I tell him I’m not bothered as he’s annoyed me and I’m tired so I’m not going out.

A while later he comes back and lays into me. He says the children are refusing to go out and it’s all my fault for losing it. I go into the living room and tell the children that it’s fine, mummy’s tired so will stay back and daddy will find them somewhere to eat. I just couldn’t deal with it properly, I admit.

After another while he’s back in, again laying into me. Telling me this is a vacation with the kids, all I do is be sick, that they’re my children too, I need to sort it and that it’s my fault for overreacting. I am so angry that I argue back. We’re furiously arguing in muted voices but the children can still hear. He storms out.

I take a few minutes to calm. I feel terrible for the children. I know seeing their parents argue, really for the first time, is terrifying. I frantically google what to do when children see their parents argue.

Then I take a deep breath and go into the living room. He’s on his computer, headphones in. Kids are on the sofa. One of them is silently crying. I go over to the sofa and sort it. I explain that everyone argues, even adults, but that’s part of relationships and we’re still here. We talk about adult arguments, sibling arguments and one kid starts talking about a friend who has mentioned that their parents argue. I feel like we’re getting through it. Then my ex drops in ‘especially divorced parents argue’. Tears from the child that I know is particularly struggling with the family dynamic. I’m livid but hold it in. The children and I talk more. They calm. I suggest ordering in rather than going to a restaurant. To his credit ex begins looking into nearby options while I start reading a book out loud to the children. We finish up as the doorbell goes. While my ex is answering one child apologises for getting angry. I apologise for getting angry too, and note that that does happen sometimes. Another child calls out to daddy that he needs to apologise too as we’ve all apologised. He struggles a bit and tries to say it’s my fault, but eventually does (I’m sure because kids are telling him to rather than because he feels he should). We eat.

And now I’m so tired from writing all this out that I’m not even sure what I’m asking. I just have no-one to tell as all the travelling means that I am not seeing my therapist regularly. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

17 comments posted: Monday, August 12th, 2024

Motivation for another beginning

I wish I could post a nice happy update but some days I just feel like this relationship thing is nothing but additional stress.

D was finalised in 2021. Over the past couple of years I’ve dated on and off. I would say there have been three significant men that I’ve come across in that time:

1) A guy I met fairly quickly after I started dating. Talked loads, saw him off and on and it was enjoyable for a while. Over recent months though it all began to sour. Had a huge disagreement and he didn’t talk to me for over a month so I assumed we were done. Then he contacted me again. I was probably too polite and we fell back to talking. Then he was pushing me to see him and I was really not happy with our disagreement / the way he gave me the silent treatment so I ended it. Then he contacted me again. Again I’m polite, again we’re chatting, again he wants to see me, again I just can’t bring myself to do that.

2) A really sweet, understanding guy. He’s so respectful of my life commitments. But unfortunately, no chemistry. So I make it clear dating is off the table. He’s lovely about it and we stay in infrequent contact. But recently he’s been implying he’d like to date me. I wish I liked him like that. But I don’t, so as much as I want to chat to him I’m limiting contact.

3) A guy that I had chemistry with - hurrah! He cancelled our first date before it happened as his ex came back into his life. I appreciated him being upfront and not starting to see me in that situation. Then a few months later he contacted me. The ex was in the past and he wanted to take me out. We go out a few times and it was great. I was actually excited for once! But then he goes quiet. Uh-oh. A few weeks later I get the message - he’s decided to go back to his ex. Can’t fault him for telling me, but still a disappointment.

In amongst all this, I’m juggling children, my ex, work, family… Sometimes I’m so damn tired. Other times I have the opportunity to see people and I just cannot bring myself to leave the house. How can I motivate myself again?

2 comments posted: Friday, May 17th, 2024

‘Too many children’

I’m not really sure where to post this, so mods do move if you think necessary.

It’s an odd topic, but hopefully someone has some advice. I do intend to discuss in IC too.

XWH’s cheating spanned several years. It started when our first two children were under 2. I didn’t find out until 5 years later.

During that 5 years, we had another baby. Now, I admit that I (for whatever reason) really felt like I wanted a third. XWH was a bit iffy and I knew the first time around had been hard, but I thought we could put in place things like extra help this time around. So eventually he agreed and we planned and tried for a third. We were lucky enough to fall pregnant after a few months and the baby was born. I felt that our family was complete.

Baby was still young when D Day hit and all hell broke loose. Eventually we D-d and we now coparent.

However, XWH continually makes comments to me saying ‘ you have too many children’. Usually in the context of discussing the different needs of the children. To be fair, he provides for the youngest in the same way that he does for the other two. But these comments really grate on me. I always warn him not to say anything in front of the child, that it will mess with the child’s head. XWH also often says that I spoil the youngest, whereas I just think I’m meeting developmental needs of a younger child (there’s a bit of a gap between child 2 and child 3).

The last ‘too many children’ comment was yesterday and it’s still hanging heavy on my mind. Usually I can shake it off, logically knowing that XWH didn’t have to agree if he really didn’t want to, but today I’m feeling really guilty about suggesting we have the third. Obviously if I had known he was cheating I would never have done so. But I didn’t know, and XWH says that he agreed to have the baby because I wanted to (I think he may have said at some point - after D Day when I was devastated that he had had a baby with me while cheating on me - that he wanted to give me what I wanted?). He had never intended to leave me - his cheating involved ONSs.

I just don’t know how to deal with these thoughts, and the attendant sadness…

17 comments posted: Wednesday, April 24th, 2024

Update to Needing Reassurance

Thank you to all the people who helped me on my post entitled ‘Needing Reassurance’. Out of the blue, yesterday, I received a text from him. I have not read it yet. I’m not sure that I want to.

16 comments posted: Friday, April 19th, 2024

Children away

D Day was in 2018. Divorce finalised 2021. Children all currently under 13.

I’ve had a rough few days. For the first time, XWH has taken the children on holiday and I have stayed at home. It is the longest that I have not seen them ever (for various reasons, they are with me the most of the time, and even on his days I will often have to help out so I see them).

This was my choice. I have been feeling burnt out and so I decided not to travel but take some time to catch up on sleep and get things ready for the new school term. I was also hoping to catch up with friends etc. But it seems that as soon as I could slow down my body gave up and I got sick. I have been stuck in the house feeling rubbish and getting increasingly frustrated that I’m not making the most of the ‘me time’.

So, I’m not in the best place mentally. But XWH just stuck the knife in. The children were iffy about going away without me and have been calling me while they have been away. Today XWH said on the second call of the day ‘it’s weird how after a few days they don’t miss you as much. I ask them if they want to call you and they say no’.

That just made me feel ugh. Logically I know it’s a good thing that the children can do days with their dad and not miss me too much. But it still hurts. Or maybe I’m just over-sensitive because I am sick. Who knows.

Someone knock some sense into me…

11 comments posted: Sunday, April 14th, 2024

Needing Reassurance

I know the answer to this, but not having confided with anyone IRL I’m relying on the kindness of internet strangers to help reassure me.

I’ve been seeing a guy for a while. Well, I actually first met him about 2 years ago. I was fresh off getting the divorce finalised back then, and at that time dating was new and exciting.

So I’ve been seeing him, probably on average once a month. Texts are daily and frequent.

Lately he’s been pushing for him to be more of a priority in my life. We had an argument a few weeks ago over this and effectively broke up, but then started talking again a few days later, and sort of fell back into it all. To be fair I could see where he was coming from.

Then, two things happened. First, his landlord gave notice on his flat so he has to move. Secondly, his teenage kid (who had been splitting time between mum and dad) decided they wanted to live full time with mum.

So, a lot going on and I sympathise with all the stress.

He started flat-hunting. Not much out there. He was looking at staying in the same area, which made absolute sense as he would be near his son. Then he started indicating that he’d been looking at flats nearer to me, as I live further out of the city so there are more options. I began to panic and gently reminded him that ideally he’d want to stay near his kid. He agreed that would be the ideal scenario.

Then a few days later he got a new idea - he’d buy instead of renting, in his area. Fair enough. But…I think flats in his area are out of his price range. He asked me for financial help. Said eventually we’d get married anyway so the property would be mine too, although he would pay me back anyway (although tbh I can’t see how).

Red flags were waving every which way. I told him to talk to the bank. Today he told me what the bank would lend him and how much the shortfall would be. It is a significant amount of money.

For various reasons, I cannot lay my hands on that amount immediately. And even if I could, every fibre of my being is screaming that this is a terrible idea. I told him that I’m unlikely to be able to access what he needs. He said I let him down. I haven’t replied to that.

Please tell me that running away from all this is the right thing to do.

24 comments posted: Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

Another break-up (sort of)

It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. Been seeing someone I met OLD, and really I’ve known for a while that this was not a long term thing. He’s generally a nice guy though, and I appreciated the escapism.

What I didn’t realise was just how much I’d come to rely on him being on the other end of the phone. It’s been a very stressful start to the year work-wise and ex-wise, and maybe I just can’t take any more drama. Which is why breaking up with this guy because I felt that I couldn’t give him what he wanted (prioritising him more and more over other things in my life) right now was probably a really bad idea.

I am feeling panicky and nauseous. I know letting him go was the kindest thing to do since I didn’t see a real future, but goodness it hurts. I’m so scared of being fully alone again. I miss him.

Any words of wisdom?

1 comment posted: Tuesday, February 6th, 2024

Lost and confused

This is my first post in New Beginnings - a bit odd since I’ve been divorced since late 2021. DD was early 2018 so I’ll soon be 5 years out. Tried R for 3 years before pulling the plug and separating.

But this post is about a guy I met OLD. Once my divorce was final I felt I could give dating a try. I met this guy fairly quickly on an app and we started messaging.

After about a month of messaging on the app we met up for coffee. And things progressed from there.

I’ll admit, I had some reservations, but he seemed like a ‘good guy’. And I loved the companionship. We’d message multiple times a day, every day.

Fast forward around 10 months and we have a heated debate about racism. But I like debate, and all seems fine.

A few weeks later he brings up racism again. His view is that he would prefer that his children marry someone of the same race. I personally don’t care about the race of my children’s future partners. We start debating again. But this time it ends poorly. We end up leaving the restaurant in silence. He doesn’t message me the next day. I message him to apologise for the date ending so badly. He replies, and a couple of messages later says that I escalated the situation beyond what it was about. I apologise for that.

And since then he has not replied. And I just cannot stop waiting for a message. I’m sad and lonely and miss the companionship. Even though my head says that I can’t be with someone when our views on something like this clash, nor can I be with someone who ignores me when we have a disagreement.

Any words of wisdom?

9 comments posted: Monday, February 6th, 2023

Did something stupid

So, is it just me that yearns for their old life?

I did something stupid today. I wondered, aloud, to the XWH, if there was any chance of us being a family again (we have three young children, divorce was finalised at the end of last year).

He’s shot that down. Told me I’m a single mum. (And, as an aside, he also said it would be best for my children - the youngest is under 5 years old - to be brought up by a nanny so that I can work longer hours.)

I’m not heartbroken. But I’m aware that I had tiny, secret dream that this was all going to somehow go away…and that dream has now been shattered.

Any words of wisdom?

9 comments posted: Friday, September 23rd, 2022

I need help

I need help.

I’ve come to that conclusion today as I lie here sick, throwing a pity party for myself. I just cannot do this.

I’m sick, my ex is self-isolating so I’ve got to look after the children who are not back at school yet, and I just feel so alone. I just want to be married again. I want a reliable someone here to help me. I don’t want to be stuck in horrid situations like this where I can barely muster up the energy to move, let alone put on a happy face and be a mum.

The divorce was finalised literally just before Christmas. And with Christmas and New Year as a distraction, I was functioning. Family were off work and school, people were around. Taking advice from friends, I signed up to a dating app to talk to new people.

Then my ex caught covid. That messed up plans for the school holidays. Family has gone back to work. I got sick. And the dating app is out of control - it’s so overwhelming having random guys message me. I haven’t dated in 20 years.

I just cannot see myself functioning in this post-divorce world.

7 comments posted: Tuesday, January 4th, 2022

Grandparent issues

I wonder if anyone out there has experienced this?

My parents (my three children’s grandparents) are not on board with my divorce (back story: WH indulged in 5 years of cheating with prostitutes / strippers). Their lack of support seems mainly down to concern over the grandchildren (all under 10) - that the shuttling back and forth between mum and dad’s house will negatively affect them.

I can’t wrap my head around this. I expected that they would come out all guns blazing when I told them about the infidelity. Instead I’m being told to swallow it for the sake of the children.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

10 comments posted: Friday, December 24th, 2021

I am officially divorced

And it’s all done. I am officially divorced.

It all happened so quickly in the end. Got the news from my lawyers this evening. Really didn’t think it would all be done this side of Christmas.

I think I am in a little bit of shock. I feel a little bit sick. We were together for 20 years. Half my life.

My three young kids are my focus this Christmas. I’ve wrapped the presents and put up a tree. I can’t believe I’m alone for the first time in so long. But I’m no longer married to a cheater.

4 comments posted: Thursday, December 23rd, 2021

Nearing the end

So it’s been a while since I’ve been here. Short story - found out nearly 4 years ago that WH had been using prostitutes and strippers for sex for the preceding 5 years (started when my eldest was 1 year old). Tried desperately to R for 3 years, but I struggled. 8 months ago seriously discuss divorce, he moves out a couple of months later. Three young children.

So 5 months of separation. A settlement is on the table, we’re going through the paperwork. Today I was going through his updated financial disclosure and I found credit card bookings for hotels in nearby towns / city. And I felt sick. I think I know what those bookings are for.

We’re separated, he’s at liberty to do whatever he wants to do. Yet this feels like a punch in the gut. There is also lavish spending at bars and restaurants. All coming out of our money.

I know there is nothing I can do. Well, I’ll flag it to my lawyers, but I expect they’ll say to let it go. I’m furious, sad and lonely.

These past five months the anger has dissipated. I told close friends and family about the decision to divorce, and most of them I also told why. As I told people it felt like a weight lifted. And yet as the anger dissipated I began thinking, what if? What if it could somehow work?

Crazy as it sounds I was so close to seeing if he wanted to try again.

Now, now it doesn’t seem possible.

I need to accept that this is really over. But I can’t. I’m in pain, yet I’m sane enough to want to distract myself. Help.

9 comments posted: Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

Missing WS

So, WS and I are separated and going through the D process. I finally told my parents what he did to me...and my dad wanted to try and see if we could R. I mean, I really didn’t need that. I shut it down pretty quickly.

But sometimes...sometimes I really wish R was on the table. I can see WS was trying before, even if it wasn’t enough for me (should it have been??). I miss being part of a couple. I miss having my kids all the time. I miss not feeling alone in social situations. I miss not being alone.

It’s so silly. He betrayed me. He hurt me so much I can’t bear it. He still makes hurtful comments about how I ‘had too many children’ (we had three).

Anyone relate?

14 comments posted: Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

Kids and the ‘more fun’ house

I’m not sure if this is the right place for this but if anyone has any input I’d appreciate it...

So STBXWH moved out a few weeks ago. My DD9 just told me that she prefers STBX’s house because it’s more fun - he got them new pets and lets them have sweets for breakfast. I understand the pet thing. But sweets for breakfast annoys the heck out of me. This is on top of knowing that he’s definitely letting them have more screen time than would be usual if we still lived together.

I know divorce means I give up some control over my kids, especially when I’ve been the primary caregiver for so long. I know there is nothing I can do unless the kids are in actual danger. I’m just so angry about it. He cheats, yet I lose time and influence with my kids. He gets to be fun and I get to be the boring one, enforcing rules and boundaries as before. I feel like I no longer matter. What’s the point of me being around?

15 comments posted: Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Kids and the ‘more fun’ house

Duplicate post

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:09 PM, July 2nd (Friday)]

0 comment posted: Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Friends not having time

I told one of our mutual friends today (over text for various reasons). Just about the divorce happening, no details. He said to call anytime, but then when I said I’d call once the children were settled he asked me to call tomorrow as he has work to do tonight and he wants to make sure he can focus on me.

So I’m feeling...snubbed? Lost? Worried that this old friend is about to drop me? Worried that said friend is going to get the story out of STBXWH first and then side with him? I just think if one of my oldest friends told me this kind of news I would drop everything to be there for them.

This whole situation is so hard. I don’t want to lose more people.

8 comments posted: Sunday, June 20th, 2021

Moving out

Sorry for the avalanche of posts recently.

STBX should be moving out tomorrow. I am teary and panicky. It’s going to be real. The children will just have me tomorrow night. Why am I doing this?

12 comments posted: Tuesday, June 8th, 2021

Feeling horrible about disclosure

So I’m in the middle of sorting out financial disclosure. And I just feel so...violated I guess is the word. Particularly that I have to put out on paper my spending. And then STBXWH’s lawyers are going to pick over it. I know it has to be done but I’m so angry with my STBXWH for putting me in this position. Anyone else feel like that?

7 comments posted: Monday, June 7th, 2021

Kids looking for a reason - what to say?

So we told the kids a few days ago. My 9 year old was really pressuring me today to explain why. I talked about how relationships change, stressed that it was an adult decision for adult reasons and could not be any of the children’s fault, talked about how mummy and daddy will see if things work better if we live in separate houses...but nothing was enough for her. Any ideas for what to say that is both true and age-appropriate? She seems very scared of the idea that mummy and daddy don’t like each other any more. I told her I would think about the best way to explain it to her and get back to her.

23 comments posted: Wednesday, June 2nd, 2021

Telling parents...any advice?

Gearing up to tell my parents about the D. Any advice? I expect they will be blindsided by the news.

6 comments posted: Thursday, May 27th, 2021

Can someone help me?

So it’s been over three years since I found out that in the preceding 5 years my WH was using prostitutes and strippers. Three years where I’ve got myself in a place ready to D.

I tried to R, but I always had D in the back of my mind. For a long time I felt that I should D. We have three young children.

And now, my WH is pushing for D. And I am a wreck. I thought I had more time. I still think he should give me more time to recover. I was getting better. It might still work.

But he says he’s too tired and anxious to fight anymore. He says I don’t love him and while he cares about me, he no longer loves me. (That hurt to write.) Says we are incompatible (we’ve been together for 20 years.)

We had a conversation last night about finances. He was livid when I asked him to account for the money he had spent on his habit. Called me petty. Said that if I act like that he would fight and I would have to pay out for the kids and I would lose lots of money.

I just cannot cope. I don’t want to not see my kids every day. I don’t want this family unit to break up. Yet I know I am pathetic for still wanting to try and save this. My pride is in tatters.

I am all alone. I have one friend in the country who knows about this. No-one else in the country knows.

25 comments posted: Sunday, April 25th, 2021