Lost and confused

This is my first post in New Beginnings - a bit odd since I’ve been divorced since late 2021. DD was early 2018 so I’ll soon be 5 years out. Tried R for 3 years before pulling the plug and separating.

But this post is about a guy I met OLD. Once my divorce was final I felt I could give dating a try. I met this guy fairly quickly on an app and we started messaging.

After about a month of messaging on the app we met up for coffee. And things progressed from there.

I’ll admit, I had some reservations, but he seemed like a ‘good guy’. And I loved the companionship. We’d message multiple times a day, every day.

Fast forward around 10 months and we have a heated debate about racism. But I like debate, and all seems fine.

A few weeks later he brings up racism again. His view is that he would prefer that his children marry someone of the same race. I personally don’t care about the race of my children’s future partners. We start debating again. But this time it ends poorly. We end up leaving the restaurant in silence. He doesn’t message me the next day. I message him to apologise for the date ending so badly. He replies, and a couple of messages later says that I escalated the situation beyond what it was about. I apologise for that.

And since then he has not replied. And I just cannot stop waiting for a message. I’m sad and lonely and miss the companionship. Even though my head says that I can’t be with someone when our views on something like this clash, nor can I be with someone who ignores me when we have a disagreement.

Any words of wisdom?

9 comments posted: Monday, February 6th, 2023

Did something stupid

So, is it just me that yearns for their old life?

I did something stupid today. I wondered, aloud, to the XWH, if there was any chance of us being a family again (we have three young children, divorce was finalised at the end of last year).

He’s shot that down. Told me I’m a single mum. (And, as an aside, he also said it would be best for my children - the youngest is under 5 years old - to be brought up by a nanny so that I can work longer hours.)

I’m not heartbroken. But I’m aware that I had tiny, secret dream that this was all going to somehow go away…and that dream has now been shattered.

Any words of wisdom?

9 comments posted: Friday, September 23rd, 2022

I need help

I need help.

I’ve come to that conclusion today as I lie here sick, throwing a pity party for myself. I just cannot do this.

I’m sick, my ex is self-isolating so I’ve got to look after the children who are not back at school yet, and I just feel so alone. I just want to be married again. I want a reliable someone here to help me. I don’t want to be stuck in horrid situations like this where I can barely muster up the energy to move, let alone put on a happy face and be a mum.

The divorce was finalised literally just before Christmas. And with Christmas and New Year as a distraction, I was functioning. Family were off work and school, people were around. Taking advice from friends, I signed up to a dating app to talk to new people.

Then my ex caught covid. That messed up plans for the school holidays. Family has gone back to work. I got sick. And the dating app is out of control - it’s so overwhelming having random guys message me. I haven’t dated in 20 years.

I just cannot see myself functioning in this post-divorce world.

7 comments posted: Tuesday, January 4th, 2022

Grandparent issues

I wonder if anyone out there has experienced this?

My parents (my three children’s grandparents) are not on board with my divorce (back story: WH indulged in 5 years of cheating with prostitutes / strippers). Their lack of support seems mainly down to concern over the grandchildren (all under 10) - that the shuttling back and forth between mum and dad’s house will negatively affect them.

I can’t wrap my head around this. I expected that they would come out all guns blazing when I told them about the infidelity. Instead I’m being told to swallow it for the sake of the children.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

10 comments posted: Friday, December 24th, 2021

I am officially divorced

And it’s all done. I am officially divorced.

It all happened so quickly in the end. Got the news from my lawyers this evening. Really didn’t think it would all be done this side of Christmas.

I think I am in a little bit of shock. I feel a little bit sick. We were together for 20 years. Half my life.

My three young kids are my focus this Christmas. I’ve wrapped the presents and put up a tree. I can’t believe I’m alone for the first time in so long. But I’m no longer married to a cheater.

4 comments posted: Thursday, December 23rd, 2021

Nearing the end

So it’s been a while since I’ve been here. Short story - found out nearly 4 years ago that WH had been using prostitutes and strippers for sex for the preceding 5 years (started when my eldest was 1 year old). Tried desperately to R for 3 years, but I struggled. 8 months ago seriously discuss divorce, he moves out a couple of months later. Three young children.

So 5 months of separation. A settlement is on the table, we’re going through the paperwork. Today I was going through his updated financial disclosure and I found credit card bookings for hotels in nearby towns / city. And I felt sick. I think I know what those bookings are for.

We’re separated, he’s at liberty to do whatever he wants to do. Yet this feels like a punch in the gut. There is also lavish spending at bars and restaurants. All coming out of our money.

I know there is nothing I can do. Well, I’ll flag it to my lawyers, but I expect they’ll say to let it go. I’m furious, sad and lonely.

These past five months the anger has dissipated. I told close friends and family about the decision to divorce, and most of them I also told why. As I told people it felt like a weight lifted. And yet as the anger dissipated I began thinking, what if? What if it could somehow work?

Crazy as it sounds I was so close to seeing if he wanted to try again.

Now, now it doesn’t seem possible.

I need to accept that this is really over. But I can’t. I’m in pain, yet I’m sane enough to want to distract myself. Help.

9 comments posted: Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

Missing WS

So, WS and I are separated and going through the D process. I finally told my parents what he did to me...and my dad wanted to try and see if we could R. I mean, I really didn’t need that. I shut it down pretty quickly.

But sometimes...sometimes I really wish R was on the table. I can see WS was trying before, even if it wasn’t enough for me (should it have been??). I miss being part of a couple. I miss having my kids all the time. I miss not feeling alone in social situations. I miss not being alone.

It’s so silly. He betrayed me. He hurt me so much I can’t bear it. He still makes hurtful comments about how I ‘had too many children’ (we had three).

Anyone relate?

14 comments posted: Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

Kids and the ‘more fun’ house

I’m not sure if this is the right place for this but if anyone has any input I’d appreciate it...

So STBXWH moved out a few weeks ago. My DD9 just told me that she prefers STBX’s house because it’s more fun - he got them new pets and lets them have sweets for breakfast. I understand the pet thing. But sweets for breakfast annoys the heck out of me. This is on top of knowing that he’s definitely letting them have more screen time than would be usual if we still lived together.

I know divorce means I give up some control over my kids, especially when I’ve been the primary caregiver for so long. I know there is nothing I can do unless the kids are in actual danger. I’m just so angry about it. He cheats, yet I lose time and influence with my kids. He gets to be fun and I get to be the boring one, enforcing rules and boundaries as before. I feel like I no longer matter. What’s the point of me being around?

15 comments posted: Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Kids and the ‘more fun’ house

Duplicate post

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:09 PM, July 2nd (Friday)]

0 comment posted: Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Friends not having time

I told one of our mutual friends today (over text for various reasons). Just about the divorce happening, no details. He said to call anytime, but then when I said I’d call once the children were settled he asked me to call tomorrow as he has work to do tonight and he wants to make sure he can focus on me.

So I’m feeling...snubbed? Lost? Worried that this old friend is about to drop me? Worried that said friend is going to get the story out of STBXWH first and then side with him? I just think if one of my oldest friends told me this kind of news I would drop everything to be there for them.

This whole situation is so hard. I don’t want to lose more people.

8 comments posted: Sunday, June 20th, 2021

Moving out

Sorry for the avalanche of posts recently.

STBX should be moving out tomorrow. I am teary and panicky. It’s going to be real. The children will just have me tomorrow night. Why am I doing this?

12 comments posted: Tuesday, June 8th, 2021

Feeling horrible about disclosure

So I’m in the middle of sorting out financial disclosure. And I just feel so...violated I guess is the word. Particularly that I have to put out on paper my spending. And then STBXWH’s lawyers are going to pick over it. I know it has to be done but I’m so angry with my STBXWH for putting me in this position. Anyone else feel like that?

7 comments posted: Monday, June 7th, 2021

Kids looking for a reason - what to say?

So we told the kids a few days ago. My 9 year old was really pressuring me today to explain why. I talked about how relationships change, stressed that it was an adult decision for adult reasons and could not be any of the children’s fault, talked about how mummy and daddy will see if things work better if we live in separate houses...but nothing was enough for her. Any ideas for what to say that is both true and age-appropriate? She seems very scared of the idea that mummy and daddy don’t like each other any more. I told her I would think about the best way to explain it to her and get back to her.

23 comments posted: Wednesday, June 2nd, 2021

Telling parents...any advice?

Gearing up to tell my parents about the D. Any advice? I expect they will be blindsided by the news.

6 comments posted: Thursday, May 27th, 2021

Can someone help me?

So it’s been over three years since I found out that in the preceding 5 years my WH was using prostitutes and strippers. Three years where I’ve got myself in a place ready to D.

I tried to R, but I always had D in the back of my mind. For a long time I felt that I should D. We have three young children.

And now, my WH is pushing for D. And I am a wreck. I thought I had more time. I still think he should give me more time to recover. I was getting better. It might still work.

But he says he’s too tired and anxious to fight anymore. He says I don’t love him and while he cares about me, he no longer loves me. (That hurt to write.) Says we are incompatible (we’ve been together for 20 years.)

We had a conversation last night about finances. He was livid when I asked him to account for the money he had spent on his habit. Called me petty. Said that if I act like that he would fight and I would have to pay out for the kids and I would lose lots of money.

I just cannot cope. I don’t want to not see my kids every day. I don’t want this family unit to break up. Yet I know I am pathetic for still wanting to try and save this. My pride is in tatters.

I am all alone. I have one friend in the country who knows about this. No-one else in the country knows.

25 comments posted: Sunday, April 25th, 2021