SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After DDAY, we learned that our WS lacks integrity.

My WH actually didn’t think it meant that he lacked integrity, he thinks because he knew what he was doing was wrong (and why he didn’t confide in me)

Uhm no

Unless a Cheater is able to go through the metamorphosis from wayward to a person with integrity, how does anyone trust them?

I don't think you can trust 'em.

Something in the helping couples heal podcast with Stan Tatkin touched on that - basically saying that until the BS has an understanding of what makes the WS tick, the BS cannot feel/be safe. And I wholeheartedly agree with that sentiment.

Haven’t been on here in a while. Struggling today.

Ex’s kids went back to school today for the first time in a year. I’m really sad I am missing it. Son graduates high school this year and I won’t get to see that. It’s daughters last year of elementary school. I miss them so much. I sent them both a text wishing them a good first day back.

But I was just a “step” mum, right??? I haven’t seen son since October and daughter since September. I know I have to move on but you don’t just stop loving them, even if they aren’t yours. They don’t appear to want a relationship with me either so I feel rejected once again. Disposable to both my ex and them.

I was just someone who lived with them for a while.

I struggle with wanting them to know I didn’t abandon them and not being in touch for my own healing. And the guilt, oh the guilt I feel when I think about the latter - about walking away and never seeing them / being in touch again, just because I think it might be the only way for me to heal. I feel like I’m being torn apart inside.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 2:54 PM, April 12th, 2021 (Monday)]

Oh Outoflove, it's so hard to lose others when a relationship ends. I've been there. As have so many others. Relationships endure and then many come apart - and there's collateral, inevitable fracturing of other family/community relationships as a result. I imagine his kids do know that you didn't abandon them. They know their Dad and they got to know you over at least several years. Regardless of their feelings for you, their loyality will likely lie with their Dad. Understand that it is what is - and not a statement of your value to them or anyone else.

All you can do is let them know how sorry you are that this is happened because you love them, and that should they need you in the future you will be there for them. And, I'm betting you've already done that.

@shockt - yes, I have made it clear that I am here and they can reach out to me if / when they want. I know logically that what you say is true, that it’s not about me. And I really do try to not take it personally. It’s just hard. I don’t have my own kids, never wanted them, but fell in love with his. I want to honour their boundaries but also maintain a relationship and it’s been really hard.

I’ve been digging deep into some past trauma / shame that the recent betrayal has brought up and part of that has been identifying what is my negative self talk and how I am resisting changing that and working through it.

Yesterday I had a realization that I just feel so.....disposable. My xWBF was able to walk away from me with narry a thought, whereas here I am over a year later, still working through this shit and trying to move forward. He looked at his life with me, then without me and decided the latter was easier. He was able to engage romantically with the EAP yet unable to do so with me - or just didn’t want to. And blamed lack of connection on why he looked outside of the relationship.

Looking back on previous relationships, I was the one disposed of also. What makes me so disposable, and easy to walk away from. Why does no one want to fight for me. Why do I continue to give my love to men who are unavailable in whatever form that might take?

I tell myself - and on less emotional days I actually believe it - that I am worthy and loveable, but this is a constant narrative in my head. The betrayal has completely exacerbated it. I know I need to find my worthiness inside, it is not dependent on external factors / people, but I look at the evidence and people walk away from me so easily.

OOL I am sorry you are hurting and I can't imagine how hard it is to lose those relationships with his kids on top of everything else.

But.

Having been a child of divorce (multiple D's in my kidhood), their loyalty will lie with their parent. It isn't 'fair' or whatever, but the torn-apart confusion they feel as children is way worse than it is as an adult. Speaking for my own experiences as a child in those situations, even if I wanted to 'choose' the other person, I couldn't. I had to 'choose' my parent - because I was dependent on said parent for survival. Kids don't have a 'choice' in these types of scenarios. Adults do.

Not trying to 2x4, but you have let them know that you are there if they want you. They may or may not take you up on that, but I can guaran-damn-tee you that getting messages and such from you at this point hurts them more than it helps them and it makes them feel torn. And ultimately they are powerless in this situation. I am so sorry - I KNOW how unfair and painful that is for you, but you're the grown-up and you need to let them be. This isn't about you or anything you did or not - it doesn't mean you're a horrible person or anything like that at all. It just means that for those kids, they have to follow the current their raft is on and you're in a different branch of the river now.

@Ellie - as always, I appreciate your comments and the 2 x 4. I need to hear that. I need to shift my perception from what I think / feel, to what they are likely thinking / feeling. The son is 18, and has shown interest in maintaining contact to some degree. For the daughter, who is 11, her loyalty will lie with her father and that is 100% how it should be. I don't want to make it harder for her at all.

Oh OOL,

I hurt for you.

These dawn EVIL Cheaters have their heads so buried up their butts, they can’t see the price everyone else pays for being in their lives

I'm really really struggling with my mental health this week. Just seem to keep crying. My boss happened to be a big city near me yesterday for a personal appointment, so I went to meet her for dinner - haven't seen her in over a year, I'm east coast, she's west coast. The last time I saw her, was on a business trip when at the same time my xWBF was supposedly in NC with his EAP. He lasted 2 days and when I got back, he told me he couldn't do it and that he'd been in touch with her. He knew - HE KNEW - how painful it was for me but he just chose to do it anyway, even though he had said that "our relationship was worth fighting for". That is when, in my mind, we 'officially' broke up. I was so freakin' miserable on that trip, but trying really hard to keep focused and professional.

My boss is a quilter and she made me a Harry Potter quilt, knowing I love Harry Potter. It's absolutely freaking gorgeous, it really is. I cried all the way home (about an hour's drive).

Why oh why am I struggling so much at the moment? I haven't spoken or been in touch with the xWBF since December, have no desire to do so. There's been some sporadic contact with the kids Mom about the kids, but as per earlier in this thread, I'm going to step back from that moving forward. I'm exercising every day, have trips to look forward to (heading back to the UK to visit family in a few weeks - everyone, including myself, will be fully vaccinated), I make plans with friends, it's summer in the city and I have a ton of outdoor plans, I have weekly therapy. I'm reading a lot about self love and changing negative thoughts, I'm doing a LOT of work unpacking some trauma / shame......but I just can't stop crying this week. I feel so lonely and isolated and unworthy and sorry for myself (which I hate), even though I'm doing ALL THE RIGHT THINGS.

I've been doing SO well up until now.

The trauma they leave behind them is just unfathomable. I hate hearing about anyone who is happy in a relationship. I hate hearing about anyone who ahs been through a break up and then finds their new love. It's unfathomable to me at this time that I could ever feel that way about anyone again. I get envious - why them, not me. Resentful. I DONT want to be that person. I want to be happy for people's happiness. I do. I don't want to be a bitter old woman. I don't want this to define me, I really don't.

Ugh. I'm sorry. I know in the grand scheme of things, I don't have it bad at all.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 8:33 AM, April 15th, 2021 (Thursday)]

OOL, you said

Looking back on previous relationships, I was the one disposed of also. What makes me so disposable, and easy to walk away from. Why does no one want to fight for me. Why do I continue to give my love to men who are unavailable in whatever form that might take?

When I look back on my own similar situation, I see something that maybe you can relate to. I embraced partners who had gaps, openings, need in their lives. And I gladly, lovingly filled those gaps for them.

Beautiful, right? Except that the message it truly sent, if I'm being honest, is "I don't deserve an equal. I deserve someone with deficits so that I can prove my worth." And I lived every day proving my amazing love, while my partners lived every day feeling superior to me, needed by me. They felt my desire to prove myself and knew I didn't value myself. It didn't need to be said.

I'm not sure if you see any truth in this, but the work you are doing now will help you to get as much as you give. It's helping you to know you deserve it. And future partners will feel you demand more. Because overly giving, overly helping, overly fixing is felt by the weak and immoral as a vulnerability, an area to exploit, a path to manipulation. When we shore up our own value, we close up all paths to our hearts other than strength, stability, accountability.

I'm really really struggling with my mental health this week. Just seem to keep crying.

I don't know what your IC would say, but when I hit this stage, my IC said, "So? Nobody ever died from crying. Why are you fighting these feelings? They are demanding to be felt."

If you are crying, then it is because you need to cry. You are hurting. Have you done any inner child work? It's SO helpful in this stage because she is who is crying in you. She wants comfort, damn it. She wants love. The little girl in you is scared and sad and lonely, but it's YOU that she needs to hear from, Outoflove. It's you that can help her now.

Find a photo of you as a very young girl. Look at it. Remember her and the way she felt when she used to cry. Let her tell you how she feels and hurts. But now, tell her the things someone should have told her. That you think she's amazing and funny and cool. That she's so smart and adorable. And you will love her and watch over her every minute of her life. She's going to be fine. Actually talk to your young self and give her the comfort she never got. Listen to what she has to say. Grieve for her. Grieve with her.

This is the time to let all the tears and sadness out, stuff you've been carrying for 30 years. Feelings demand to be felt all the way through until they disappear on their own. You can't control them. If you distract yourself to stop the pain, they will hide and come out later. If you want them gone forever, then let them come. Nobody ever died from crying. And in a few days or weeks, when the tears finally dry and you and your little self are back in touch, you will feel lighter and free-er than you have felt in your entire life.

Through the rain you go. But there is an amazing rainbow on the other side. Wishing you all the best on this healing journey. You don't feel great, but you have come so far to find yourself. You are almost there.

(((((Outoflove2020)))))

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 8:15 PM, April 15th (Thursday)]

Unless a Cheater is able to go through the metamorphosis from wayward to a person with integrity, how does anyone trust them?

You can never ever trust them. They never change.

WH is upset that I shared my experiences and feelings here. He’s upset that I wrote about his illness and how I really feel. He’s upset that I don’t care about him either way.

Serves him right for snooping. I was open about the fact that I have joined SI. He has obviously found some of my recent posts. Strangely he never mentioned anything about the abuse I have endured. He believes that apologies are enough.

Find a photo of you as a very young girl. Look at it. Remember her and the way she felt when she used to cry.

I went through this exercise a while ago and I shared my feelings with Stbxwh.

I sent him a photo of me at my 18th birthday party. He and I were engaged at the time, but he wasn’t at the party. I had a pink themed slumber party with my friends and cousins. It was girls only. WH thought that I looked sweet and innocent and I was. He basically raped me soon after my birthday and became extremely abusive. Regardless of the abuse I married him 13 months later.

My mother’s advice to me before we were married, was never ever make him angry.

Within a couple of weeks of marriage, WH choked me in the kitchen while I was making dinner. He was Angry about something. I can’t recall what set him off this time. He was interrupted by my godmother who dropped in unexpectedly for a visit. She wanted to see her newlywed goddaughter. The front door was open and she walked in on us in the kitchen. I will never forget the look on her face. I must have looked terrified. We sat down in the kitchen and carried on like nothing to see here.

The other photo I shared with WH was of us at my cousins engagement party just 6 weeks after we were married. Again WH thought that I looked so young and beautiful.Then I asked him to think back to what he had done to me that night after the party. He pretended to not have a clue. That night after the party, WH was again angry with me about something. We went to bed and he started punching me in the head until I rolled off the bed and passed out. I remember our telephone in the living room was ringing constantly that night. I wanted to answer it so badly but I was so concussed that I couldn’t even crawl to the living room.

After the beating I received that night, I was desperate to get out. I wanted to tell my parents. I wanted so badly to just pack my things and go home but my mother wouldn’t allow it. I didn’t have a car and felt absolutely helpless and hopeless.

So that’s how a man gets away with 30 years of violence. Stay silent and don’t get him angry.

Have a great weekend ladies 🙏🏼

Oh LadyG!

Shame on you for sharing your experience with others, and looking for support

Your stupid WH doesn’t realize HE benefits from out support of you.

(((Hugs)))

After a day taking care of various other family members I was feeling overwhelmed and sad. My FWH listened to me share my feelings, was kind and supportive. Then offered to prepare a foot soak and give me a foot massage. Just what I needed tonight. Building connections.

That sounds wonderful lady Phoenix!

My husband and I have been together 30 years, married 25. I will try to make this short. We have a ranch that we purchased during our marriage which was supposed to be our dream but ended up probably costing us our marriage. To pay for it we have worked ourselves too hard (IMO) and lost all connection and intimacy in our marriage. I work a full time job, two kids with tons of activities and helping around here evenings and weekends. I got exhausted. I tried to let my husband know and he tried to tell me he was missing intimacy but we weren’t listening to each other. It was hard for me to want intimacy and sex when I was tired and feeling resentment for not getting more help with things. He was gone a lot working other jobs to help pay for this place as well. Then we had a staff downsize at my job adding more stress.
Anyway I am embarrassed to say we didn’t have sex for almost two years. It’s not hard to see why his affair happened.
I started to suspect something last November and checked phone records and they had been talking every day since that last august. Then I figured out how to read text online and sure enough they were sexting back and forth. Stupid me believes the "we are just friends messing around" excuse
Fast forward to now - He doesn’t know I know as much as I do. He still insists they are just "friends" but i am able to track his phone and he goes to her house at least once a week.
So here is my situation. We had some talks early on before I knew the extent of the affair and we both agree we don’t want a divorce because we don’t want to have to split or sell this ranch - we want our kids to have it. We have a daughter in college and a son that is a sophomore in high school.
He says our marriage is over he hasn’t been happy for the last 5 years. Also says there has been too many things said during past arguments that he can’t get over. I just don’t know how much of that is true or just the affair talking

So I can’t threaten divorce as a means to expose and stop this affair

I don’t want to leave and throw away 30 years of building this place and I want to stay here. He can’t leave he has to run the place

I guess my question is has anyone had any luck with just waiting out an affair? I know statistically most do end. She is 47 and single with two kids I can’t imagine she won’t eventually want more and i guess he will have to make a decision. I just need to figure out a way to live this way until something happens 🤷‍♀️

Also - I have seen his attitude towards me go from some hope of working on things to no hope and mean over the last few months he quit asking me to go anywhere with him or to help him with anything around here - very hurtful.

Hi Juniper

I’m waiting it out too

Except that I doubt my Cheater is getting his candle wick moistened anywhere.

He’s too whiny and self absorbed.

He was military, so my health insurance is through that. If I divorce, I lose that one year after it’s final.

So I tread water, awaiting one of us to just die already.

I wanted to hold on until my kids were self sufficient, but they are struggling still

I recently learned I have parotid cancer. It’s very early in everything, so awaiting type, staging, and treatment plan.

I find out on Tuesday. I’m 54.

His last AP complained about his sexual performance and his whining, he doesn’t understand that it’s a total turn off for women

So he still flirts, thinks he’s a big deal if someone laughs at his gross jokes

But the jokes on him, he will be alone

Yes, wait it out. Tread water. Don’t give up your dream for an asshole and some skank

20 - hugs....sending you my thoughts and support. Life piles on us doesn’t it? Just when you think you can’t take any more...I pray you caught it early...keep us posted.

“Yes, wait it out. Tread water. Don’t give up your dream for an asshole and some skank“

This made me giggle - first time in several months. Sorry to hear about your diagnosis- I hope too it was caught early and sending hopeful thoughts your way.

I keep telling myself if this affair goes away things would be better - but maybe not. And the way he is treating me now I am not sure I want any reconciliation. I wonder if I am just subjecting myself to years of heartache and pain instead of walking away and starting a new life where at lest there is some hope of finding someone who really cares. But then I feel like I’ve let him “win” and maybe that’s not a healthy way to look at the situation. I guess maybe I need more time to process.

What I can’t figure out is if he feels our marriage is over and he is in love with this woman (I heard a Snapchat conversation- not going to disclose how 😉 where they said they love one another- then why all the secrecy still? Why not just let everyone know? His image in a small community and not wanting our kids to know is all I can figure

Uggh - I just wish something would happen that would make up my mind one way or another.

You'll make up your mind when you are ready.

And OF COURSE they don't want to tell the world about their "lurve".... that would mean he's a cheater and not the "good guy" they all tell themselves they are.

You can still expose the A - if that's something you want.

And I agree that the "letting him win" perspective can be unhealthy. It can also take some time to detach and see things through the new lens. Eventually, you can detach and what a "win" feels like to you may look VERY different.

20, if I could take away your illness, I would. Take care and keep us posted. I sincerely wish you a healthy recovery.

The way I feel sometimes, I would welcome death.

I am pretty sure that I have reached menopause and I absolutely hate it. I was so fit and healthy at 50. My doctor said that I had the same health and fitness level of a 30 year old. After everything that has happened since, I feel 60! Plus some...

Juniper70, welcome 🙏🏼