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I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 4

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20yrsagoBS ( Member #55272) posted at 2:23 PM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

OOL

(((Hugs)))

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8664964
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20yrsagoBS ( Member #55272) posted at 2:23 PM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

My parotidectomy is this afternoon. See you goddesses in a few days

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8664965
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Outoflove2020 ( Member #72682) posted at 3:17 PM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

Good Luck 20 (((hugs)))

DDay 1/15/2020.
Separated 3/1/2020

Still healing but in a better place

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2020   ·   location: DC Area
id 8665000
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LadyG ( Member #74337) posted at 5:18 AM on Tuesday, June 8th, 2021

Hey 20, I hope you are recovering from the parotidectomy.

I hope that you are pain free at very least.

But here’s one to split the stitches.

WH actually uttered these words last night, “I don’t want to get hurt”.

I am dumbfounded and didn’t reply.

I have spent the day thinking, wtf! He actually means, that nothing so far, has hurt him.

What does it take to hurt a malignant narcissist?

July 2018, WH sent me a message asking me how I could live with myself, knowing that I had emotionally destroyed him?

He spent the next 2 years pushing me to the brink.

Today is exactly 2 years to the day, that I survived an overdose and last night he tells me that he doesn’t want to get Hurt.

We rarely speak and communicate in writing, but last night we had a brief verbal exchange and that came out of his mouth.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 938   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8665770
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Throwaway999 ( Member #72413) posted at 12:46 PM on Tuesday, June 8th, 2021

20 - just wanted to pop in and wish you a speedy recovery.

Lady - sending you strength to deal with you selfish, narc WH. What a piece of work. I know my WH said some crazy crap also…be strong.

I have been pretty quiet on SI lately…still reading here.

I guess just living my best Covid life in lockdown. Lol. Waiting for my second shot. Not sure what to do about that….I am in Canada and had AZ as my first shot….now they say to mix doses. Uggg…nothing like being a guina pig.

I did struggle a bit recently as my deceased WH’s family invited me and my 3 young adult kids to a family cottage week with all of them (including MIL). I debated about going for my kids, but his family is my past not my future. My kids are old enough to have relationships with them without me and they can go…I passed. I have to take care of me for once in my life.

Not spending my summer vacation with my kind of “ex” in laws. I am not even sure what to call them anymore…I don’t feel like they are my family anymore that’s for sure.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8665807
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Tallgirl ( Member #64088) posted at 1:24 PM on Tuesday, June 8th, 2021

Throwaway999

If you got your first vaccine on or before April 18 you are eligible for your second.

I made the cut off by 2.5 hours. Booking today.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8665813
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20yrsagoBS ( Member #55272) posted at 9:58 PM on Tuesday, June 8th, 2021

Hurt!

Holy Hell that was a painful procedure!

My face and neck are very swollen too.

I returned to work today, it was hard, but doable.

I was thinking about lying today.

On Sunday, I texted my manager that I needed yesterday off to recuperate.

Done deal, no question. Easy prays.

I gather in Cheater World, they make up an unnecessary lie instead?

Is it a thrill to see if it goes unchallenged?

Why not be truthful?

“I so I want disturbingly unattractive women to laugh at my jokes and make me feel more attractive than I feel around you. I’m just going to do what I want despite your feelings”. ?

And then they do?

And it’s our fault for finding fault with it?

[This message edited by 20yrsagoBS at 3:59 PM, June 8th (Tuesday)]

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8665982
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Throwaway999 ( Member #72413) posted at 4:47 AM on Wednesday, June 9th, 2021

Tallgirl - I got AZ on April 18th but I think I have to wait 12 weeks before my second dose…so I am due in Mid July. But I hope you get yours soon!

20 - I have thought long and hard about the lies. I think they start small…maybe rationalizing that what we don’t know, won’t hurt us. They test the waters. They “get away” with that small lie…makes the next one easier and it gets a little bigger. And us trusting and unsuspecting…just believe them because we still think that they are the person we married. The person who loves us, cherishes us…puts our well being before their own….but reality is that is not true at all.

I am glad you are on the road to recovery…take it easy and rest when you need too. 💗

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8666069
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20yrsagoBS ( Member #55272) posted at 3:34 AM on Wednesday, June 16th, 2021

I have a sweet friend who is struggling after a second DDay

You know the self doubt, guilt, beating yourself up dance we do?

That.

I woke up this morning with a text from her thanking me for validating her.

That damn shit sand gets bigger and bigger

I hope her Cheater winds up with the biggest, itchiest case of hemorrhoids ever known to man! His wonderful wife is an amazing woman. He is such a loser!

Tomorrow is my post op visit.

I need to keep my mouth shut and not tear the surgeon a new butt hole

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8667705
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20yrsagoBS ( Member #55272) posted at 4:56 PM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

25 years ago, on the first Father’s Day after our son was born,

WH tried to convince me his colleague class study group was meeting to work on their group project.

I told him not to go, that it would set the precedent for all future Father’s Days that fatherhood wasn’t a priority for him. He didn’t go, but was sullen all day.

Now I know it was because he wanted to go see his AP, have sex with her in our family car.

Gggrrr asshole!

I’m playing nice for the family

Cheaters can rot in Hell

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8668531
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ladyphoenix ( Member #72766) posted at 1:37 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

This spring I stepped out of my comfort zone and decided to do something for myself that will also benefit our family in the end. I applied and was accepted to a college program that will give me some advancements in my current career. I already have a university degree, but I need this diploma to get a “regular” position instead of a “term”.

I am excited to start in the fall, but I am also apprehensive. I never imagined I would be going back to school at 49. My memory isn’t great these days due to the betrayal trauma. I am a little worried that adding more to my plate is not the right choice. I am hoping that having this to focus on will help my brain stop obsessing and settle down.

I was really nervous to tell my FWH about any of it. It makes me sad to know that I don’t trust him with even this exciting information. When I got the acceptance letter my first thought was to share it with him, but when he got home I held back and it took me several hours to work up the courage to tell him. His response was great. He was so excited for me. He was also understanding about my hesitation.

He reassured me that he supports my choice and that our family/relationship will have to make adjustments for my courses. He is committed to helping me succeed. There is a small part of me that is worried that he will use my change in focus as an excuse to find an available “replacement”. However, that’s not the man he is currently showing me that he is. He is working with his IC and is addressing his whys, he is very remorseful and is becoming empathetic.

It’s going to be a busy and exciting couple of years!

M 23 years, together 29. DD1 Feb 2019, DD2(TT) June 2019, DD3 (TT) July 2019, (TT) March 2020, (TT) Sept 2020We have 3 children: 22,18, 13 and a grandson April 2019. We work daily on R and building a stronger relationship.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8669102
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gmc94 ( Member #62810) posted at 9:06 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Ladyphoenix - I am WAAAYYY excited for you.... and a bit jealous myself.

I know it's much easier said than done, but doing ANYTHING for you is healthy.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3369   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8670022
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leafields ( Member #63517) posted at 5:11 AM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

Good luck, LadyPhoenix. Rooting for you.

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 645   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8670145
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20yrsagoBS ( Member #55272) posted at 1:10 PM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

Hooray LadyPhoenix!!

Knocking it out of the park!!

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8670171
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ladyphoenix ( Member #72766) posted at 1:51 PM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

Thank you ladies! I have been mostly a SAHM with a pt job (10 hrs wk) so when I learned of the A, I realized that if we D I wouldn’t be in a position to support myself. That was a big eye opener and I started looking for more opportunities.

I was offered this term job one day when I was volunteering. It has helped me so much to see that I have options. My term was just renewed for another year! So yay me!

I am thankful that we are R, but I am wary. This new diploma will help me feel like I can stand alone if I am in that position again.

M 23 years, together 29. DD1 Feb 2019, DD2(TT) June 2019, DD3 (TT) July 2019, (TT) March 2020, (TT) Sept 2020We have 3 children: 22,18, 13 and a grandson April 2019. We work daily on R and building a stronger relationship.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8670175
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20yrsagoBS ( Member #55272) posted at 10:09 PM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

LadyPhoenix,

It’s everything to be able to stand alone, independently, since our husbands have proved that they aren’t reliable

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8670246
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gmc94 ( Member #62810) posted at 2:12 AM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

It’s everything to be able to stand alone, independently, since our husbands have proved that they aren’t reliable

Amen.

And FWIW, try your best to NOT feel guilty about the time it takes for this degree... the time away from the family or the ways your WH may need to pick up the slack.

For the 8yrs between my wedding day and when I went back to grad school, I was always supportive of my WH's near CONSTANT (like EVERY night he had some meeting) extracurricular activities, and his 6-7 day/week work life. In retrospect, it was basically the classic "hustling for his worth" and a narcissistic need for external adulation & adoration. It was so bad he even lied to me about it, saying he'd resigned from one of his non profit board..... only for me to find out almost a year later that not only had he NOT resigned - he'd been the effing PRESIDENT of the organization that year (in hindsight, I should have D'd him that day - but stupid me thought "what a great guy - he cheats community service" )

After my 1st yr of grad school - about 10yrs into our M, I discovered there was a dual degree program that I REALLY wanted to do - basically one more year in school to fulfill TWO lifelong dreams.

What did my WH say? NO... no way, no $ would go to educating anyone over age 21, etc.

The rest of my time to finish that degree was fraught with WH basically being an asshole. I'd do happy hour with my classmates and he'd be PO'd and say things like he couldn't understand why/how I could be away from the family so much - despite him doing that shit for, well, for as long as I'd known him. He once had a whole thing on Thanksgiving, when my finals began the following Monday, bc I was up in my study and not with him & the kids.

Over the years, I must have said a thousand times that I chose my M over that 2nd degree - and that it was the right choice.

Of course, little did I know that even at the time my WH put his foot down, he'd been involved with his "secret friend" for years & years (and if his girlfriend is to be believed, a PA as well.... and to this day I'm convinced there were more PAs than he's admitted). Of course, if I could go back in time KNOWING about his secret sexual life, I'd have told him to jump in the lake and gotten that damn dual degree (and I've even looked into it since dday, but it would now mean 2-3 years AND I now have a job that I could not leave and manage to survive any length of retirement). Put simply - I will never get that degree... a dream I gave up for him, while he was denying my agency with lies.

So - all of my sordid story to say that IMO, women are all too quick to feel guilty about stuff that many men don't give a 2nd thought to (tho it does seem that this is evolving with every new generation - which is wonderful). Your post hints at some guilt (tho it may be more like anxiety that I'm misreading).

You've been a SAHM and taking the time, effort, and energy to get an education is something you DESERVE... don't let a soul tell you otherwise (esp your WS).

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3369   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8670289
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ladyphoenix ( Member #72766) posted at 9:50 AM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

GMC, I feel disappointed for you that you were so supportive of your H and when you needed the same from him he was not there for you. I think when you put the other person first, you expect they are doing the same for you.

I appreciate your response and I had to think long and hard about it. It is anxiety, not guilt. There were times during FWH A that I was vulnerable with him and he used the information to blame me for his own unhappiness. I am very cautious about expressing vulnerability now. He is fully supportive now, but I am still afraid of getting hurt. It sometimes takes time and a long thought process to put myself in that position.

I know that it’s going to be a busy few years. I am putting a lot of faith in my FWH that he will be willing to address any feelings he has about the changes and sacrifices we will all have to make. If he still had WH thinking, this would be an opportunity to seek attention elsewhere. I could not have done this last year, I have seen so much change in him that I can start to focus on something more than just recovery from betrayal.

This diploma is pretty exciting for me and he has been equally excited. I hope I’m still exited when I am knee deep in deadlines and studying!

M 23 years, together 29. DD1 Feb 2019, DD2(TT) June 2019, DD3 (TT) July 2019, (TT) March 2020, (TT) Sept 2020We have 3 children: 22,18, 13 and a grandson April 2019. We work daily on R and building a stronger relationship.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8671110
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LadyG ( Member #74337) posted at 3:20 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

It’s everything to be able to stand alone, independently, since our husbands have proved that they aren’t reliable

I have known this to be true all along.

Since WH was diagnosed last December, he has admitted that he simply can’t live or function without me. I can’t carry him and simply don’t want or need the responsibility of taking care of him anymore. I certainly couldn’t ever rely on him for anything. The man only pays the bill for his private telephone.

I have tried having that talk with him, “if something happens to me”… but he won’t listen. He doesn’t want to think about it.

Adulting sucks. Independence costs us dearly.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 938   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8671379
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LadyG ( Member #74337) posted at 3:44 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

And… this past weekend, WH bought up The Big D word!

I replied that D was the best way forward. No hesitation on my part.

3 years separated, 2 living apart, no hope for R. Marriage dead.

Typical WS, quickly retracted!

We have had another lockdown, only just getting out of it once again. Life feels surreal.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 938   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8671388
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