Newest Member: Notarunnerup


DDay 1/15/2020. Separated 3/1/2020 Still healing but in a better place

I'm clearly not as over it as I thought.

Found out this week that my ex is in a new relationship. Has been for a few months by all account. She lives out of state, so likely flies in to visit him. As far as I can tell it's not the AP. It's my fault I found out. I asked the one mutual acquaintance we have left. I haven't asked them for 18 months anything about him. But I asked this week. Up until this week, I knew nothing about his life.

Back in December was when we last talked, after he reached out to me, saying he wanted to reconnect. The way we left it, he was going to "do the work" that we both knew he had to do, that I shouldn't view it as "final". But of course, no promises to each other.

Between the ending of his marriage, and our relationship, was 6 years. He didn't have a single long term relationship with anyone in that time. A few flings. Nothing longer than a couple of months. Now he's in another relationship, so soon after me. Did I "get him better" for the next person? Is that what this is?

Just few months since our last discussion, and he's already seeing someone. Who isn't the AP. He blew up our relationship and he's not even with the person who he blew it up for, the one who "gets him", who "understands him", who "makes him happy".

I feel devastated. It feels like another betrayal, which - as we all know - is ridiculous.

He knows that if he slept with anyone else, then I would never taken him back.

I imagine him having sex with someone else. I imagine him taking her to Friday night dinner at the family house. Meeting the daughter. Going on holidays. It's a loop going around and around in my head, which I can't seem to stop, even though I'm trying so hard.

I sit here, heartbroken, all over again, wondering why it's impacting me so badly. I haven't spoken to him in almost 9 months. I haven't seen him for longer than that.

I've spent the last two days taking mental health days from work, and lying on the sofa, numbing myself with crime TV. Numb That is the feeling. IT's my birthday today. I'm supposed to be going out to meet some friends for drinks. I am going to go. I don't want to. I don't want to celebrate. I don't want to celebrate at all.

I want to curl into a ball and hide from the world.

I think that this has highlighted that I clearly still had hope, although I hadn't admitted it to myself. Hope that he was doing the work. Hope that he'd become a better person. Hope that he loved me enough to do that and want to come back. That has now gone.

I'm clearly not over this. I am clearly not moved on.

But I have to be. I have to try to be.

9 comments posted: Friday, August 27th, 2021

Struggling again - Kids

I am really struggling with guilt again with regards to the ex's children. There have been a LOT of things happening recently that have brought them front of mind again and again. Like, daily. It's like the universe is trying to tell me something.

I still don't know if stepping away from them is the right thing. I was essentially their step-mum for many years. Ex had more time with them than their mum. I was completely involved in their lives, fully integrated. I loved them like they were my own (don't have my own kids). I really really did. I do. You don't just turn that off. I miss them dreadfully. It feels very selfish, like I'm putting my own healing above them.

They know I love them and care for them, I've made that clear, but there's something in me that makes me feel like I should try and keep in touch so they know I'm not just walking away from them.

Quick history - I was continuing to see them for a few months after I moved out in Feb 2020. Then back in October 2020, as I was supposed to pick her up to go on a bike ride, daughter told mum and dad that seeing me made her anxious and so she didn't want to see me. Haven't seen her since September. I sent her a birthday gift (December), wished her good luck on returning to in-person school in April, and then a small gift from a recent trip home but that is all the contact I've had with her.....and even that, I am constantly back and forth in my head that I've either over stepped her boundary, or it's not enough for her to know I still care. I just don't know what is the right thing to do. His daughter is not the type to reach back out to me. She just won't.

With regards to his son, he's 18 so it's a little different. I have had text messages back and forth with him sporadically - he told me what college he is going to, I wished him well on his graduation etc. We did talk about meeting up for a coffee before he heads off to college, but I haven't pushed that. He never initiates contact, it's always me, but he's always friendly and seems ok hearing from me.

It's really over his daughter that I am churning and churning. I love her. I miss her. I don't want her to think I've abandoned her. But I also don't want to make life more complicated. I was in touch with her mum for a while, who kept me updated (e.g. I know they finally put daughter in therapy, which I think is great as she was clearly struggling) but the mum started over sharing about her own life, as if we were friends. I would also find out things about the ex that I didn't want to know. So because of both of those things, I stepped away from that and she hasn't reached out to me again.

I just feel so guilty about it all. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. Like I'm healing at their expense.

This is the thing I can't seem to put down or let go of. I don't want them to think back and think poorly of me.

4 comments posted: Tuesday, August 10th, 2021

Mods Please!

Mods please!

1 comment posted: Friday, May 7th, 2021

Traveling Solo - Christmas

Since getting back from the UK, I've been feeling better. One way I know I'm on the mend is that I've been able to think about planning more than a day or two in advance.

Traveling alone is not scary for me. I used to do it ALL THE TIME both for personal trips and many, many business trips on which I travelled the world. I am extremely happy traveling solo, in some ways I prefer it, can make your own itinerary, don't have to worry about accommodating anyone else. Even when I was with xWBF, I still did my own trips. I went to New Zealand in 2018 for two weeks to spend time with a friend - he was, of course, invited, but he didn't feel comfortable being that far away from the kids for that amount of time.

With Christmas on the horizon, I've been thinking about what I want to do. It's actually one of the few holidays which I won't fully associate with the xWBF as he is Jewish and didn't really 'do' Christmas. We would do a fancy dinner on Christmas Eve if we were in the US and not the UK, and one year, I cooked "Christmas" dinner for his whole family.....not quite the same, given they don't really appreciate it given their culture. Typically I would think about going home to see the family, but having just been there for 3 weeks, and not knowing how the heck the pandemic is going to work out, I started thinking about doing something closer to home.

I'd been thinking about going to a beach (Caribbean, SoCal?), or maybe doing something uber Christmassy with snow etc (Lake Tahoe?). I was texting about it with a friend this evening and she suggested San Diego. There is a hotel on the water that does a great Christmas celebration, but she feels that I would be ok as a solo traveller, there would be opportunities to meet people.

Me being me, I started looking into it....and saw that my airline of choice had great deals on direct flights and the hotel my friend mentioned is my preferred hotel chain! So, I booked the flight. For someone who is a planner, I can also be impetuous, especially when it comes to travel. I can cancel the flight up to the end of August and bank the funds if I decide I don't want to do that trip any more. I'm keeping an eye on the hotel prices and will likely pay with a combo of pay / points.

I wouldn't say I feel excited. But I don't feel sad or despairing. I do have a little buzz from the spontaneity. That is more like the pre xWBF OOL....... I likely wouldn't have been able to do this with xWBF as we would have had to factor kids into the time.

Am I crazy for wanting to go away over Christmas alone? I might enjoy traveling, but I've never done a solo Christmas before. Anyone else done anything similar?

7 comments posted: Monday, August 10th, 2020

After the affair and moving on without them

Hi there

I've looked through a lot of the book recommendations on here, but many of them seem to come from the viewpoint of being in a longer term marriage / relationship, with kids, and the couple is trying to reconcile.

I recently came out of a relationship where my partner cheated on me. It was four years, we weren't married, didn't share any kids (he has two) but we did live together and it's been some of the worse pain I've ever been through in my life. I'm looking for books that focus on recovery from betrayal and moving on without them, starting afresh on my own as a middle aged woman, rather than trying to reconcile.

Any recommendations greatly appreciated.

4 comments posted: Thursday, July 2nd, 2020

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