Newest Member: Qashess

I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 4

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Juniper70 ( new member #78662) posted at 6:28 PM on Sunday, April 18th, 2021

Did any of you hire a private investigator to get more solid proof of the affair and if so what was the reaction from your WS?

posts: 16   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2021
id 8651742
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 8:56 PM on Sunday, April 18th, 2021

I tried hiring one, paid the $1600 retainer

Then, they couldn’t work on the military base my husband works as a contractor at.

The woman I wanted the PI to watch ch, along with WH, works for n his building

So, I lost my retainer and had no closure

Would I do it? In a heartbeat. Concrete evidence is the best for us Betrayeds to get the ball rolling on recovery

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8651769
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Juniper70 ( new member #78662) posted at 9:54 PM on Sunday, April 18th, 2021

20 - thank you. I have their contract filled out and need to call tomorrow and get some questions cleared up but will go ahead and hire them.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2021
id 8651778
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 3:43 AM on Monday, April 19th, 2021

Juniper,

Please let me know how it turns out.

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8651817
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 5:06 AM on Monday, April 19th, 2021

Your stupid WH doesn’t realize HE benefits from our support of you

yep, absolutely!

I have paid dearly for his abuse.

Financial, emotional and spiritually, I have paid a very high price.

Without the support, I doubt that I would be here now.

Life is painful. Absolutely agony most days. But I am still here.

It dawned on me today that WH inadvertently admitted to Police that he had raped me during our marriage and separation.

Earlier this year we were discussing the night I called Police and had him arrested. Wh threatening me and push and shoved me and then picked up my television and attempting to throw it out the door.

When questioned, WH stated to Police that I had called them for nothing and that I was going to make a Rape allegation against him. The Police were surprised by his admission.

I told WH that by making that statement to Police, it was an admission of guilt. Who would even raise the issue of Rape? The night Police arrived, they were answering a call for assistance in a domestic violence report. They did pursue me regarding the Rape that WH had mentioned.

WH had admitted that when he was angry with me about anything, he would call AP and that during sex with AP, he would get very rough with her while thinking about me.

Of course the A, was punishment. Its sickening to the core.

I don’t know if anyone else has ever experienced anything like this. The WH having A to punish the BS.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 939   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8651824
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 2:04 PM on Monday, April 19th, 2021

LadyG,

Oh dear lady. To endure marriage to a Cheater is bad enough, but experiencing rape by him too?

It’s too much for anyone.

(((Hugs)))

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8651861
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 10:16 PM on Wednesday, April 21st, 2021

Update!

It’s not cancer, but some weird lymphatic tissue, extra glandular tissue, and inflammation. It’s cysts, scars, and yuck

Now I have to see a head and neck surgeon

No radiation now, but the surgery is going to be crazy.

Imagine what it must be like to have an honest, decent life partner to support you during illness?

LadyG? The body keeps the score

I blame these assholes for our health decline from the stress they create

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8652727
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 4:24 AM on Thursday, April 22nd, 2021

That is fantastic news! But surgery does suck! Sending you good vibes it goes well and you have a speedy recovery.

And yes the body does 1000% keep score. All of my health issues started as soon as his first EA started...now in hindsight I can recognize it was all the stress over the years. I just never made the connection at the time.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8652798
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 5:05 AM on Thursday, April 22nd, 2021

20, good news and good luck. Ageing sucks!

WH complains about his failing health, like its my fault. I have been cruel at times and pointed out to him that it is probably all self inflicted. I wouldn’t wish poor health or illness on anyone but today I am in pain. My lower back is giving me grief. The shooting pain is unbearable. I know the body keeps score. I have so much going on at the moment but the pain just won’t let me focus on work.

WH is at it again with buying stupid stuff on the home shopping network. I can’t believe it! An Ab Generator thing. Seriously, he needs a brain generator machine.

Son sent me a photo of the box! Another $200 well spent?

This is the crazy shit he would pull all the time with me. Buy me cheap, nasty home gym equipment and call me ungrateful and unappreciative. If the Ab Generator somehow turns up on my doorstep, I will rename it a Boomerang. Looking forward to another exciting Mother’s Day.

Big DS, has flown cross country to help with cyclone clean up and recovery and doesn’t return for 10 days.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 939   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8652806
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 2:57 AM on Friday, April 23rd, 2021

Goddesses?

A dear friend whose late wife I adored asked my friend and I to dinner this Saturday night. It would be two men and two women, but no couples.

I agreed and told WH

He was irritated.

I told him these are my friends, there would be no sleazy car sex, no lies, no secrets. It isn’t a date. Just 4 buddies having dinner. I offered to add Chrater to the reservation, but he declined

Help me wrap my head around why seeing my friends is wrong?

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8653167
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 5:20 AM on Friday, April 23rd, 2021

20, there’s nothing wrong with seeing your friends, especially without WH in tow.

You’ve been open and honest about where you are going and who you’re going to be with. When, where, who and how.

Stbxwh is far more comfortable with lies and deceit. Maybe if you had lied to your H, that would be ok with him.

The latest from my Stbxwh is that he’s angry with me about telling people the truth about him and our awful marriage.

Snooping through my emails, serves him right, he saw highly confidential correspondence between my lawyer and I. My trauma Counsellor and I, my BAN friend and I and the Police and I.

Oh boy is he pissed that I openly and honestly disclosed the truth. I pointed out to him that he hasn’t been charged with further offences as I didn’t or couldn’t take the matter to court. Had I wanted him in prison, that’s exactly where he would be right now.

He has confessed now, that he broke contact with exAP after his arrest. She was with a new guy so both had to keep it under wraps. See, they never change...

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 939   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8653188
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 11:55 PM on Thursday, April 29th, 2021

Hi Ladies,

It’s been an interesting week to say the least.

The other night I watched a show, “you can’t ask that” topic CHEATERS. First question, “how could you be such a pig?”

(Clips may be available on YouTube if interested)

The demographic of the cheaters were diverse and their stories different. What I got out of watching them, is I feel no empathy for anyone of them.

There were some sad stories, the gay preacher who married a woman, had a family and cheated with men. I sympathise that he wasn’t able to be his true authentic self. But he chose to cheat and lead a double life.

I suggested WH watch it, but he couldn’t. Like all cheaters he can’t accept that he is labelled a PIG in the eyes of many.

At the moment in my quest to get to more of the truth, WH and I had a long conversation about the timeline and events during the exit A. So finally he’s giving up more info.

I was being harassed and stalked by exAP and co. I asked him what he knew of it and why it happened. So as it goes, WH ended the A and the stalking started. Every time I confronted WH about it, we got into a massive fight. ExAP was always there as a shoulder to cry on. Just a conniving evil slut.

I am so glad that I got to punch in his stupid lying face. I felt bad about the violent outburst, but I was right. He looked me in the eye and lied without even flinching. He deserved it.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 939   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8655198
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 8:43 PM on Friday, April 30th, 2021

Oh LadyG!

I bet it felt great!

I reported WH and his 96 OW to the CDC for spreading Trichomonas. It isn’t a reportable STI, but I did it purely out of spite.

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8655639
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 3:46 PM on Tuesday, May 4th, 2021

Hello Goddesses!

How are you doing?

It’s Tuesday.

Work is consuming most of my time.

My parotidectomy is scheduled for June 4th.

Not certain how rough the recovery will be, so unsure if I will be away for a while.

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8656509
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 3:56 PM on Tuesday, May 4th, 2021

Hey there! Happy Tuesday!

Work keeping me busy.

LTAP nightmares keeping me awake.

No sign of LTAP since the Cease and Desist letter [but I'm sure she's hiding her donut crumbs under a rock convincing herself that I put him up to sending it and that if she waits a little while longer...]

IC apt Friday to discuss it all.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3269   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8656515
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Outoflove2020 ( member #72682) posted at 4:51 PM on Friday, May 7th, 2021

Hey everyone, happy Friday.

@20yrs - yay for the non-cancer diagnosis, but I'm sure the prospect of surgery is still daunting. You got this. As for your WH and him not wanting you to see your friends? He lost the right to have a say in that when he cheated. Your boundaries are rock solid, it's a shame his weren't.

@LadyG - I'm so sorry for what you continue to go through. NC NC NC, is all I can think of that will help you, although I know you are in difficult circumstances.

@Chaos - I can't believe you are still having to deal with this crap, but good for you for continuing to kick ass and stand up for your truth and your life.

Why I'm here. I realised it's Mother's Day here in the US on Sunday. Last year, I remember sitting on my porch and sobbing my eyes out because neither of the kids reached out to me. I felt so disposed of, forgotten, unimportant, unloved. I think my ex reached out to me, as I was still talking to him at that point, which was small consolation at the time.

I'm not expecting anything from anyone this year, this isn't about that, but I am sad. I'm not in contact with them anymore, I took @Ellie's advice and stepped back from his daughter, and had one last catch up with his son. It's been a few weeks since I made that decision. I've also taken the final steps to block all of his relatives from my life (the last one was his SIL who I kept in contact with, but decided it wasn't helping me). To all intents and purposes, I've moved on. None of them have any idea what I'm doing with my life.

But I miss the kids. There's no getting around it. I feel like there's a hole in my heart where they used to be. I don't want to spend the day feeling sorry for myself. I don't want to cry. I am actually quite enjoying life. I'm heading home to the UK in a couple of weeks (am fully vaccinated as are my entire family), I have some trips booked for later this year, I'm making new friends, I'm enjoying the city.

But I look at the gifts that the kids / the ex got me in years past for being a "great bonus mum", and, well, I'm just sad. How they can be such a huge part of my life, but after his selfish, cheating behaviour, I just have to walk away.

I also find myself, once again, reading the posts /threads to find validation that I should be glad he didn't really want to reconcile and that I am better off without him, rather than being jealous that he wasn't one of those waywards who begged and pleaded with me to give him a second chance.

I've also recently come to the - very painful - realisation that I was significantly more invested in the relationship and more 'in love' than him. I am sure he cared very deeply for me in his own way, but he essentially followed my lead in cohabiting, marriage discussions etc because, I believe, he thought it was probably the right next step, and that it didn't really make his life any harder to do those things - rather than him actively wanting to do those things with me.

That has been a horrible insight to come to and it has made me really angry that a) I allowed that to happen (and it's something I'm working through with therapy) and b) that he allowed it to happen especially with his children involved.

So yeah, mostly better, but still a work in progress.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 11:04 AM, May 7th, 2021 (Friday)]

DDay 1/15/2020.
Separated 3/1/2020

Still healing but in a better place

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2020   ·   location: DC Area
id 8657638
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 7:40 AM on Sunday, May 9th, 2021

Hey wonderful Womenz,

Happy Mother’s Day to those who are having one today.

It’s my second on SI.

As usual my darling sweet daughter got in early with a message from the USA.

My sons however, it’s almost dinner time here and not a peep from either. Although I know through Stbxwh that they were going to grandmas. Just another thing they’ve stolen from me.

Stbxwh is an absolute POS. His mother comes first. REALLY?

She gave birth once and swore never again.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 939   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8657972
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 3:09 PM on Monday, May 10th, 2021

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you who celebrate

We hosted a cookout for family

I asked WH what Mother’s Day would have been like with his 1996 AP instead of me.

He asked me not to think about that

Ha!

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8658162
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Juniper70 ( new member #78662) posted at 12:17 AM on Thursday, May 13th, 2021

I hired the PI - they caught them hugging and kissing in parking lot first try. I confront and he said he remembers the hugging but not the kissing an d “besides I hug everyone “. I have never seen this man hug anyone - maybe his daughter a couple times since she has left for college. He is still going with the “we are just friends” story.

The retainer for the one I hired was only $500 - I haven’t gotten the final bill yet - but don’t expect it to be much more if any. So I got proof but still no confession and more lies. I read about how much WS lie even with proof I just couldn’t believe it until now. I was doing so well with 180 until this morning and we ended up in another downward spiral argument even tho I tried so hard to keep it productive. The lies just infuriated me I see now why the advice to not even try to discuss or reason. with someone in an affair it just causes more damage

I even caught them both leaving a hotel this morning and he claimed he just went there to visit this morning 🤨

I really wish I could just file for divorce at this point I might just have to come to grips that being unhappy for the rest of my life is not worth staying on this ranch At this point all I can do is hope the knowledge that they can’t marry and have a life here (as long as i stay) will be enough to cause enough trouble and end it. Our marriage is so damaged now though it may not make a difference ☹️

I need to learn to dance in the rain 🙂

posts: 16   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2021
id 8658947
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 1:42 PM on Thursday, May 13th, 2021

Mother's Day is another day to me. When I realized that a year into the LTA that WH and Donut Whore spent an entire fucking weekend together in a hotel - that day is dead to me. Dead.

He told me he had to do work on his nephews house [out of state] and since he was taking his wife away that weekend it would be the perfect time to do it. Made sense to me - I had no reason not to trust him.

DW told her family that she was going to her mother's for the weekend to spend it catering to her. They cancelled their elaborate plans and wished her well.

During my last talk with OBS [when I learned of the cyber stalking a couple months ago] I also found out he and his children don't acknowledge that day either and it pisses DW off. [I take no comfort in the fact that the only one having a worse day than me is DW].

WH and I did go for a hike that day - not a long one. It was chilly and windy in my area. He tried for a distraction and I did appreciate the try.

Juniper70 - you dance in the rain like no one is watching. Sometimes it easy and you find yourself smiling in enjoyment. Sometimes it sucks and every step hurts. You do it anyway.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3269   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8659021
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