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I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 4

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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 11:56 PM on Sunday, March 28th, 2021

Top of the Lake was quite a good series. Not bad for a small budget Aus/NZ production. Worth finding.

I have been watching a U.K. series, simply titled, Mum. Just finished watching the 3rd season. It’s English/British. The characters are hilarious and you end up falling in love with them. It was my late night Friday indulgence. Look it up.

Apart from watching television I have had a very up and down week. If you’ve seen my posts in General you may understand why.

I bought a new car. It’s being delivered to me today. A hybrid electric vehicle that I feel is perfect for me. Something nice and new and untainted.

(Sold my old one to WH. My car that he used to drive exAP batshitcrazy witch around in. He’s trying to sell it)

I had my sons around for Sunday night dinner. An early Easter for us, as I am going away on my own this week. I leave Thursday. Visiting a lovely area called The Grampians. I haven’t been there in over 26 years. My eldest son often camps out there with friends. I have opted to stay in a 1 bedroom cabin with great views. Taking a good book, some music cds, hiking boots, hiking sticks, as my hips are getting old and myself. Praying for good weather.

For those of you who are believers, Enjoy your Easter. It’s a big deal here in Aus and we get extra public holidays.

Can’t wait for some peace and quiet 🙏🏼

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 939   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8646168
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Adira ( member #77327) posted at 4:00 AM on Monday, March 29th, 2021

LadyG a trip to The Grampians sounds amazing! Such a beautiful place. Enjoy your time & space, I hope it helps to heal x

Me BW, STBXWH covert NPD
2 teenage kids
M: 24 years, together 27 years
3x DDays: 08/2017; 10/2017; 02/2018 with the Hobbit Howorker.
False R: 02/2018-12/2020
Currently in IHS

posts: 62   ·   registered: Feb. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8646211
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UnstuffedGiraffe ( member #74937) posted at 3:20 AM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

The last week has been a mess. Getting "kicked" out of MC was actually kind of calming, odd after the stress leading up to it. H isn’t taking my concerns about his drinking seriously but has cut back after some ridiculous drama. He did bring up something from a conversation yesterday from a conversation months ago where he seriously misunderstood something I said and has been resenting me for. I’ve lost stuff for work twice including something I borrowed and need to return tomorrow. mad One of the dogs is crapping all over the house in the mornings without bothering to let us know she needs out. And over the weekend someone dumped a body about a mile from our house! shocked I did manage to go for a bike ride today, I desperately needed it.

Me BW - Married 20 years
Him - 2 Affairs 9 years apart
DDay October-December 2019 & July 2020

posts: 226   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8646564
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 6:32 AM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

UnstuffedGiraffe, I find it quite amusing when my Stbxwh sulks about something that I have said, but he has misunderstood.

Late last year I went on a few dates with a guy (we were at school together in the 80’s). Anyway I ended it as I didn’t feel we were good together. Stbxwh found out that I had been seeing someone. He wanted to know everything about the guy. I volunteered very little info. None of his business, right.

I asked WH, “are you concerned that he is a better man than you?” It was a question, that he didn’t answer.

WH still insists that I stated that the other guy “is a better man than you”.

It’s twisting my words to make himself feel bad about me.

The bike ride sounds like a great idea. I can’t ride a bike, very poor balance. But I have been wanting to get a adult trike. That’s my next gift to myself.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 939   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8646602
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 6:50 PM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

Happy Easter and Passover to all of you

WH is in Colorado Springs until late Friday night

So I am terribly triggered.

One of his cheating episodes was on a work trip, with a mannish active duty Air Force woman named Elizabeth. Conveniently, WH forgot her last name ( So I couldn’t contact her for HER version of what actually occurred, I surmise).

A coworker of his called me to tell me of that incident in Oklahoma, as he was also on that trip, he witnessed inappropriate behavior between them in the hotel swimming pool, and had just learned about WH’s latest affair. He liked me, thought I was too good for WH, and wanted me to know it was a pattern of deceit.

I spent Sunday at the beach with friends, didn’t use sunblock, and am now very sunburned.

Had a great time, spent the entire day with sweet men and women only interested in laughter, sun, and sand. How refreshing!

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8646724
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 10:56 PM on Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

20yrsagoBS I felt a tightness in my chest when I read that you are terribly triggered.

I don’t know how you cope, I don’t know if you and your H have discussed further potential cheating. Has your H, promised that he would never ever do it again?

This was the issue with my WH. (Putting all other abuse aside) when WH was desperate and pleading for another chance, I told him that I would never ever trust him, never have, that I don’t even like him, the cheating abusive him is a C***. I rarely saw a glimpse of Nice Guy that he brings out around others.

His reply... I promised myself that I would never ever do anything like that ever again if you give me another chance. I am sorry for everything

So there’s the problem. I pointed out to him that he hasn’t promised ME anything. Promising himself, means absolutely nothing to me. As for being sorry for EVERYTHING, that doesn’t mean a thing. Be very specific for everything that you are sorry for.

He just can’t get the words out. He tried to actually say “I promise you” but stumbled and stuttered on 3 little words. He finally gave up and realised that he doesn’t actually mean those words. He doesn’t have it in him to promise me anything.

20, so glad you got to the beach. I can visualise you sitting, sunglasses on, having a laugh.

Cheers, ladies. I am packing. Expecting warm weather. Then I am headed to the supermarket to buy myself wine and the most decadent chocolate Easter Egg I can find to crack open Sunday morning.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 939   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8646791
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 7:08 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

LadyG

You hit the nail on the head.

WH has said the same, that he promised himself not to cheat.

But he didn’t promise me.

I’ve learned that he can look me in the eyes and lie so easily.

He doesn’t even lose sleep over it

How does a human being do that?

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8646974
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 3:53 PM on Saturday, April 3rd, 2021

WH is home from his work trip

He wants to do this and that today, but I made other plans

Oh well

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8647856
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UnstuffedGiraffe ( member #74937) posted at 6:02 PM on Saturday, April 3rd, 2021

Promising yourself not to cheat is an important step, refusing to promise your wife is a problem. My husband seems to have a problem understanding that just because he’s convinced himself he won’t do it again that doesn’t mean he’s convinced me. I’m sure he believed he was done after the first affair too but, he wasn’t. I still see too many of the old behaviors to be convinced.

His first IC appointment is almost a month after our last MC too long. I’m getting tired of being patient. He has cut back significantly on his drinking but it’s way too soon to believe any change is real.

I dread the day H has to start traveling regularly again. He’s had few overnight trips since DDay then COVID cut them back more. The one where he had to go into AP’s area (area that she was driving to meet and stay in nice hotels with him) I went with him. I have actually worked in her area more in the last year than he has. He seems to completely miss that driving through the town she lives in is a little triggery.

Me BW - Married 20 years
Him - 2 Affairs 9 years apart
DDay October-December 2019 & July 2020

posts: 226   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8647872
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 3:06 AM on Sunday, April 4th, 2021

Aww UG,

That would be hard for me to do as well

(((Hugs))) Goddesses

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8647942
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 5:40 AM on Sunday, April 4th, 2021

Well, a trip to Starbucks underscored how 30 years of my life went.

It's been awhile since I went into the building, and there were few cars in the parking lot. Going in, one of the baristas who knows the two of us but I haven't seen since the lockdown said, "Hey, I hear you may be moving!"

So XH stops there every day and had obviously been talking, but hadn't mentioned that we're divorced. I gave her a brief update on the situation.

So, he tells part of the truth and will let you think something is true when it isn't.

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 648   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8647950
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 3:02 AM on Tuesday, April 6th, 2021

Lea?

Your x is a douche

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8648263
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 5:10 AM on Tuesday, April 6th, 2021

He went on eHarmony when it first became available in our area. Wanted to see if we'd be compatible. I said it wouldn't work if I didn't sign up, too.

Jerk. Covert narcs are d-bags.

I'm so glad he's now my x.

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 648   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8648279
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 5:24 PM on Tuesday, April 6th, 2021

Have you ever gotten pissed off when you realize your WH will let you die without telling you the truth about what he did to you?

I can’t begin to explain how furious this makes me

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8648349
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 9:14 PM on Tuesday, April 6th, 2021

20 - been there, done that. Lied to his grave. And yes...it pisses me off but every day I get closer to not caring at all.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8648400
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gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 11:02 PM on Tuesday, April 6th, 2021

Have you ever gotten pissed off when you realize your WH will let you die without telling you the truth about what he did to you?

What pissed me off was not that he'd let ME die... but what TA999 experienced. That HE would die and I'd only have found out after.

Maybe 6 months after dday, when we were in the "making new memories" phase (which, IMHO, was an absolute joke), it occurred to me that I could have found out bc his POSOW showed up at his funeral. My WH was hospitalized the week before dday and I was very worried about him (and I believe he was worried to - worried enough to have me take him to the ER at 5am). Dunno why it took me six months to wonder if she'd have shown up at his funeral. Oddly, he said at the time he didn't think she would have shown up. Today, I wish I'd said "yeah, well, you also thought she would NEVER tell me you were screwing her, so perhaps it would be helpful to take a SOLID look at just how much Larry, Curly or Moe are influencing what you THINK is Einstein."

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3369   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8648430
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UnstuffedGiraffe ( member #74937) posted at 3:15 AM on Wednesday, April 7th, 2021

He intended to take his first affair to the grave. If he hadn’t had the second I probably would have never known. I had no clue for 9 years! He just told me about it when confronted with the second which he didn’t admit until I had evidence he couldn’t explain without admitting it. It wasn’t the first time I’d asked. He was in full self destructive mode during the second, I think he was recklessly racing to the grave before getting caught. Looking back he did some really stupid shit around the first too.

Me BW - Married 20 years
Him - 2 Affairs 9 years apart
DDay October-December 2019 & July 2020

posts: 226   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8648487
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 4:38 AM on Wednesday, April 7th, 2021

GMC - it funny because only now I find myself starting to relax a bit as I am no longer waiting each day to see what new affair pops up or new hurt I discover. For the first few months after he passed, it was new bombs dropping all the time. I am finally starting to believe, there will be no more bombs, no new ddays or discoveries...I won’t ever know the full extent of the truth. I am okay with that...I know my truth.

Had a sad heart to heart with son2 this past weekend, he feels guilty that he didn’t really “know” his dad or have a strong close relationship with him. I gently explained that WH, didn’t let anyone truly know him and that he was very broken inside. That we can’t change other people and his lack of closeness with his dad was not his fault...he is/was the child in the relationship. That as a parent it’s out job to nurture the relationships we have with our kids. But his dad still loved him. I struggled a bit...hard not to bring my feelings about WH into that conversation but I didn’t.

It just sad...he took his secrets to his grave, never let us really know who he was...but really he was the one who lost...his own son didn’t even feel close to him. We were there when he died, but really he was alone.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8648499
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 1:33 AM on Friday, April 9th, 2021

Have you ever gotten pissed off when you realize your WH will let you die without telling you the truth about what he did to you?

I think WH will die first and take much of the truth with him. I think what I know and of course the abuse I have suffered at his hands is enough to make anyone want to die.

But during our confession Christmas holiday, he confessed that he met the exAP children just 2 weeks into the A. The exAP introduced him to her young children as “mummy’s boyfriend”. I asked him, did she add “new to boyfriend?” He replied, yeah, I think she did. It was a month or so before Xmas 2018 and I asked him what he had gotten them for Xmas that year. He swears, “fuck all”. His credit card statement that December proves otherwise.

You know what he got our children for Xmas? A BIG FUCK ALL!

There’s a very hurt damaged part of me who wishes to hound and harass him for the truth but I know that this may send me to an early grave.

He has another treatment today. The attention he gets from the nursing staff was sickening to watch. When I was taking him to his Friday treatments, I deliberately looked solemn and disinterested, (actually, I am disinterested) especially when female nursing staff spoke with me about him. Telling me that MY H, was going to be alright. I wanted to reply, “unfortunately for me”.

Having ill will towards the sick and frail goes against everything that I believe, except when it comes to WH.

I really hate that he has bought out the absolute awful ugly side of me. I don’t know or like her at all. She is not truly me.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 939   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8648965
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ladyphoenix ( member #72766) posted at 1:53 AM on Friday, April 9th, 2021

I really hate that he has bought out the absolute awful ugly side of me. I don’t know or like her at all. She is not truly me

I relate to this so much. Our past arguments were always focused on the argument, never a character assassination. Now I have a hard time stopping myself from tearing him down. It’s awful and I feel such shame, because it’s not who I am at all. It’s the intense anger coming to the surface. It’s getting better but I am having a hard time shaking the contempt.

M 23 years, together 29. DD1 Feb 2019, DD2(TT) June 2019, DD3 (TT) July 2019, (TT) March 2020, (TT) Sept 2020We have 3 children: 22,18, 13 and a grandson April 2019. We work daily on R and building a stronger relationship.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8648971
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