M 25 years, together 31. DD1 Feb 2019, DD2(TT) June 2019, DD3 (TT) July 2019, (TT) March 2020, (TT) Sept 2020.We have 3 children: 24,20, 15 and two grandchildren since 2019. We work daily on R and building a stronger relationship.
I am in the quicksand of the timeline of FWH A, four years later..
I am doing so much better this year than the past few years, but I have a really good memory for dates. And I have CPTSD from all of the TT and detective work I had to do to get the truth (EMDR has helped). I know what happened and when and those days can hit me like a ton of bricks.
I am trying hard to be mindful and stay in the present (he is nothing like the version of himself that he chose to be during his A), but the hurt me wants to lash out at him and throw all of the dates and details in his face. He says he doesn't remember the specific dates or sequence, but does remember his actions. I would like to believe that he is telling me the truth. He feels remorse and disgust at his past behaviour.
I do not want to rugsweep at all, but I am not sure that I should be itemizing all of the pain four years out. Is it enough to inform him that today in particular is an awful day or should I be more specific as to why? The next three weeks are riddled with painful memories and I still wish I could sleep through until the worst days pass.
I am having a hard time with all of this. I just want to heal, and I am afraid that I am creating my own roadblocks because the dates/details are so cemented in my mind.
12 comments posted: Monday, January 30th, 2023
Random wrong numbers
My suspicious brain is making me crazy.
I have no current reason to suspect FWH. He is doing so much work to be a better partner. He is not flawless, he sometimes takes a while to get to empathy. I am learning to be patient and he does get there eventually.
My issue right now is that I have been getting wrong number calls to my phone for the past few days. When I answer a woman says she has the wrong number and hangs up. Two last night at 1am and four today throughout the day. The calls are from various stores in the area. This evening I asked her who she was looking for and she replied her father. I asked what his name is and she asked why I want to know. I said because you keep calling my number. I asked her name and she said the same and so did I. She then hung up.
In "the time before" I would just chalk this up to random wrong number, but instead my brain is coming up with scenarios that I know don't make sense based on what's going on in real life.
It just highlights to me that I still don't feel safe after almost 4 years. I wish the healing didn't take so long...
26 comments posted: Friday, October 21st, 2022