M 24 years, together 30. DD1 Feb 2019, DD2(TT) June 2019, DD3 (TT) July 2019, (TT) March 2020, (TT) Sept 2020.We have 3 children: 23,19, 14 and two grandchildren since 2019. We work daily on R and building a stronger relationship.

guidance please

I am in the quicksand of the timeline of FWH A, four years later..

I am doing so much better this year than the past few years, but I have a really good memory for dates. And I have CPTSD from all of the TT and detective work I had to do to get the truth (EMDR has helped). I know what happened and when and those days can hit me like a ton of bricks.

I am trying hard to be mindful and stay in the present (he is nothing like the version of himself that he chose to be during his A), but the hurt me wants to lash out at him and throw all of the dates and details in his face. He says he doesn't remember the specific dates or sequence, but does remember his actions. I would like to believe that he is telling me the truth. He feels remorse and disgust at his past behaviour.

I do not want to rugsweep at all, but I am not sure that I should be itemizing all of the pain four years out. Is it enough to inform him that today in particular is an awful day or should I be more specific as to why? The next three weeks are riddled with painful memories and I still wish I could sleep through until the worst days pass.

I am having a hard time with all of this. I just want to heal, and I am afraid that I am creating my own roadblocks because the dates/details are so cemented in my mind.

12 comments posted: Monday, January 30th, 2023

Random wrong numbers

My suspicious brain is making me crazy.

I have no current reason to suspect FWH. He is doing so much work to be a better partner. He is not flawless, he sometimes takes a while to get to empathy. I am learning to be patient and he does get there eventually.

My issue right now is that I have been getting wrong number calls to my phone for the past few days. When I answer a woman says she has the wrong number and hangs up. Two last night at 1am and four today throughout the day. The calls are from various stores in the area. This evening I asked her who she was looking for and she replied her father. I asked what his name is and she asked why I want to know. I said because you keep calling my number. I asked her name and she said the same and so did I. She then hung up.

In "the time before" I would just chalk this up to random wrong number, but instead my brain is coming up with scenarios that I know don't make sense based on what's going on in real life.

It just highlights to me that I still don't feel safe after almost 4 years. I wish the healing didn't take so long...

26 comments posted: Friday, October 21st, 2022

Derailed by random trigger

I just needed to get this out of my head. I am at work and a coworker made a passing comment about a concert. It’s a pretty big trigger for me and now I am shallow breathing and feel like I have a hole in my chest. It’s been a long time since I have felt like this at work. I have been doing really well handling triggers. This one got me out of the blue.

I am trying really hard to redirect my thoughts and stay in the present. But I keep thinking "is it even worth it if I keep feeling like this?" How do I live the rest of my life with these random land mines going off in my head??

I want a relationship with FWH, I just don’t want these feelings. How can I have one without the other?

I know I will be ok. I just wanted to get this out of my head and you are the only ones who truly understand.

Thankfully FWH handled it quite well. He focused on empathy and caring. Was very supportive and kind. No defensiveness at all. I didn’t lash out and attack him at all. It was a good interaction for us.

17 comments posted: Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

what's left?

I am doing my best to accept/adapt to this new life. I listen to/read books, I am doing EMDR to manage triggers, we spend time together, we are loving, helpful, kind. I have stopped physically attacking him. I am working on expressing myself with less contempt in my voice.

He is a different man than he was before. He is working on being the best version of himself. He takes responsibility for his A and regrets all of the choices he made during that time. I see all these positive changes, but the TT has made me skeptical and suspicious. I am waiting for the next shoe to drop. He assures me that I know everything. He always says that...

Some days I come up against a wall of mind movies or triggers. I feel deep sadness knowing that he didn't value our relationship enough to keep any element safe. Sometimes it's when he kisses me, I end up thinking of him kissing her. Or a place they went to. Or simply holding my hand. So far I have been powering through those moments, trying to be mindful and dismiss them as events in the past that are not happening now. We have made so many memories in the last 2 1/2 years, but they don't seem to override my negative thoughts. What's left if I say that I don't want to do anything that they did together? Not much actually.

So I can't say that, because in the end I want to R and have a better relationship. I read all these posts about how we get stuck on the details and can't get past them. I am afraid that is where I am. The betrayal is weighing me down.

20 comments posted: Monday, August 30th, 2021