M 23 years, together 29. DD1 Feb 2019, DD2(TT) June 2019, DD3 (TT) July 2019, (TT) March 2020, (TT) Sept 2020We have 3 children: 22,18, 13 and a grandson April 2019. We work daily on R and building a stronger relationship.
Derailed by random trigger
I just needed to get this out of my head. I am at work and a coworker made a passing comment about a concert. It’s a pretty big trigger for me and now I am shallow breathing and feel like I have a hole in my chest. It’s been a long time since I have felt like this at work. I have been doing really well handling triggers. This one got me out of the blue.
I am trying really hard to redirect my thoughts and stay in the present. But I keep thinking "is it even worth it if I keep feeling like this?" How do I live the rest of my life with these random land mines going off in my head??
I want a relationship with FWH, I just don’t want these feelings. How can I have one without the other?
I know I will be ok. I just wanted to get this out of my head and you are the only ones who truly understand.
Thankfully FWH handled it quite well. He focused on empathy and caring. Was very supportive and kind. No defensiveness at all. I didn’t lash out and attack him at all. It was a good interaction for us.
17 comments posted: Wednesday, November 24th, 2021
I am doing my best to accept/adapt to this new life. I listen to/read books, I am doing EMDR to manage triggers, we spend time together, we are loving, helpful, kind. I have stopped physically attacking him. I am working on expressing myself with less contempt in my voice.
He is a different man than he was before. He is working on being the best version of himself. He takes responsibility for his A and regrets all of the choices he made during that time. I see all these positive changes, but the TT has made me skeptical and suspicious. I am waiting for the next shoe to drop. He assures me that I know everything. He always says that...
Some days I come up against a wall of mind movies or triggers. I feel deep sadness knowing that he didn't value our relationship enough to keep any element safe. Sometimes it's when he kisses me, I end up thinking of him kissing her. Or a place they went to. Or simply holding my hand. So far I have been powering through those moments, trying to be mindful and dismiss them as events in the past that are not happening now. We have made so many memories in the last 2 1/2 years, but they don't seem to override my negative thoughts. What's left if I say that I don't want to do anything that they did together? Not much actually.
So I can't say that, because in the end I want to R and have a better relationship. I read all these posts about how we get stuck on the details and can't get past them. I am afraid that is where I am. The betrayal is weighing me down.
20 comments posted: Monday, August 30th, 2021
I thought I was ready
It’s been over two years. You would think that seeing the AP would not knock me on my ass.
She showed up at his work today to bring her friend coffee. They stayed in the parking lot. She was told last year that she’s not allowed in the office. My FWH was amazing. He immediately asked how to help me. Held me until the shaking stopped. Told me again that he will put in his notice. I said no. I don’t want her to have that kind of control over my life.
I was picking up my H to go for lunch and as I was pulling in to a parking spot she pulled in to the lot.
I know that she wasn’t there to see him. I know logically that I should not care where she is. The trauma response was so overwhelming. I should be able to go for lunch with my husband without having to see this person! Now that I’m home, I am full body exhausted. I was shaking for 15 mins. I feel humiliated because his coworkers saw me fall apart. He is livid and feels helpless to stop it from happening again.
19 comments posted: Monday, April 5th, 2021
Expecting too much?
This past weekend while my FWH was out I did something for him as a surprise. When he came home I was hoping he would notice and tell me he appreciated what I did. He didn’t go into that space until the next day so I figured he would say something then, but he didn’t. I was disappointed and decided not to bring it up. Last night while I was at work he sent me a message thanking me, saying that he noticed on the weekend but forgot to tell me at the time.
When I got home from work, we had supper and then were talking after. I expressed to him that it had hurt my feelings that he had not noticed, or having noticed not felt it important enough to tell me that he appreciated my hard work. He apologized and told me that he felt bad for not bringing it up before, that he had thought about it a few times and just forgot to mention it to me. In the end, I felt heard and seen, I just didn’t feel any better about it. I then explained that even though we had a conversation about it, I don’t feel any better about the situation of not feeling appreciated (even though I know he appreciates what I did) and I don’t know how to get past this feeling. I don’t know what he or I can do to help me feel better. Well then the conversation spiralled into affair triggers and me not feeling appreciated and thinking that maybe this is all he can give me. Maybe all he is capable of. And maybe that’s not enough for me. And then I was crying and shaking and he shut down silent for a long while then he finally came around the table and put his arm around me and told me that I am important to him.
He has come a very long way from where we were two years ago. He is looking inside himself to a degree that he has never done before. That we were able to have the conversation at the table with more than just me talking is a huge improvement.
I always feel like I am trying to rush to being healed. Logically I understand that it takes time to make real lasting adjustments in oneself. I am afraid that he is falling back into old patterns of taking me for granted. I don’t think that’s what’s happening, I am afraid that it is. And if that’s what it is, then I have to accept that this is all I am going to get from him. And that’s not enough for me, because I am worth more. He says that it’s not. That he wants to show appreciation and that I am a priority to him. Often he is. This time he didn’t.
Ugh, am I just expecting too much too soon?
15 comments posted: Friday, March 26th, 2021