Newest Member: Lilident

I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 4

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gmc94 ( Member #62810) posted at 12:51 AM on Saturday, August 28th, 2021

I think if I spend too much time thinking about his horrible behavior every day that I am just wallowing in the pain and not moving forward. I know I have read a lot of article, blogs comments etc that say that is never a good way to recover from this.

Yeah, it SUCKS. And.... describing it as "wallowing" may not, IMHO, be compassionate to YOURSELF. So, maybe you are "wallowing" or maybe you are "processing", the point is that it takes time and a lot of hard effing work to heal & recover from infidelity. I'm 'only' 18 months further in this journey and I still think of my WH's cheating all the time (and I also get nauseous at the thought). I'm told there may come a day when I don't think about it... but that's not happened yet and I'm not banking on it.
For me, getting myself out of a victim mentality helped, along with a lot of trauma work, meditation, finding and incorporating joy (outside of my M) as much as I can, and really not giving a damn about my WH has helped (FWIW, my WH hasn't done jack to change himself, is not R material, and I'm really just taking my time to get the D ducks in a row).

I'd say it took at least two full years of grieving the M I thought I had (my WH's cheating, whether EA or PA, our entire M) and the chasm between who I thought my WH was and who he really is. Now that I really SEE him and his selfishness and emotional cowardice, I guess it kind of shifted. Today, I see MY value and the ways in which I am the "prize" here. And I suppose coming to that place changed my perspective - why should I be sad about losing a M that did not include the basics of respect and honesty? Or losing a spouse that never (and to this day) really trusted ME with his inner thoughts? (which is really rich given that HE's the one that cheated and since dday has not shown himself to be trustworthy).

You've talked about your WH making changes with things like acts of service (which my WH is an Olympic level champion at), what is he doing WRT helping heal this grief?

And OutofLove? I'd go with the "universe is showing me something" line of thought. I find it comforting to think that the pain I'm experiencing today is paving the way for something amazing in the future. Ain't easy (no one says it is), and working THROUGH it all feels pretty effing good on the other side.

Hugs to you both.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3365   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8685914
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LadyG ( Member #74337) posted at 2:55 AM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

Hi ladies,

It’s been a while.

I survived August. It was hard but I feel like I have made a breakthrough. September is another challenging month.

The narcissist never changes though.

We sold a property at the end of August and in true Narc fashion all Stbxwh can think of is his share of the money.
When I remind him that I put in like 70% to purchase the property some 10 years ago, he gets nasty, even though I am splitting the profits with him 50/50.

I think I mentioned earlier that he admitted that he hid 300k from me, only coming clean due to his illness. Not that it matters, but WH is slowly improving. Still has treatment but is on the mend.

We are still in Covid lockdown and will be till December.

I get vaccinated tomorrow, finally!

Hope you are doing well despite everything.

Hugs to you all.

LadyG

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 938   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8687645
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20yrsagoBS ( Member #55272) posted at 2:55 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

Hi Goddesses!

I’m still here

Pretty much recovered from surgery, just working a lot.

I need to set aside time and write out a long post about life with someone who seems so narcissistic

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8687826
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Hedwig ( Member #74175) posted at 8:25 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

@gmc94: I got my hands on a digital copy of 'my body keeps the score' and just about to read further in it. Last time I read was a month ago. IIRC, you were very enthusiastic about it and since your recommendation of ' from abandonment to healing', I trust your opinion.

I am just a little hesitant because the writer was fired over allegedly traumatizing his staff? please tell me the book is still worth reading!

@Lady G: the audacity of your WH to ask for 50/50 while you put in 70 for the property. and hiding 300K from you as well.
How did you vaccination go? Is your arm sore/any other side-effects?

@20yrsagoBS: glad you pretty much recovered from surgery, is work still as crazy as ever?

Hey y'all! I contracted covid, after succesfully dodging it for a year and a half. I'm okay, I was fully vaccinated before so 3 days of snottering and sneezing. I did lose my smell and taste, which sucks! I am also quarantined until I stop coughing. So, bored in the house now and thought I'd do some trauma work, lol.

Dday - 10/2018
Caught them, EMDR helped
Ended the relationship after false R for 1,5 years

posts: 261   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2020
id 8688087
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gmc94 ( Member #62810) posted at 9:24 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

Hedwig - yes, I'd still read TBKTS.
I don't know about the allegations v VanDerKolk. Worst case scenario is the allegations are all true.... AND that would still not, at least not IMHO, diminish his work.

I guess one of the many lessons I've learned from infidelity is that our human foibles, harmful and traumatic as they may be to others, do not wipe away our (also human) virtues. Early after my DDay, I had to attend an event basically worshipping my WH's work in our community. As you can imagine, it was an extremely difficult thing for me to do. I remember posting about it here on SI, basically wondering out loud "what if WH had cured cancer?" Would his lying to me and cheating forever wipe away his curing cancer? And I had to come to terms with the answer being "no, it would not".

I think the same applies to VdK... he may have been an arse to his colleagues, which sucks. AND, his being an arse in that respect does not, for me, mean his research and insight into trauma is somehow nullified (or, as the politics of the day like to bandy about: cancelled).

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3365   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8688099
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Hedwig ( Member #74175) posted at 2:24 AM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

You're completely right and thank you for replying! I have picked it up this afternoon again and do enjoy it.

That must have been a really hard day for you!
Also, how is the new job so far? I think it's been more than 6 months now?

Dday - 10/2018
Caught them, EMDR helped
Ended the relationship after false R for 1,5 years

posts: 261   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2020
id 8688120
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20yrsagoBS ( Member #55272) posted at 2:37 AM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

I might be the only dissenter here, but I DO believe being a WH poisons anything good they may accomplish.

Yes, it’s throwing the baby out with the bath water

I think Waywards are more likely to steal, to extort, to manipulate, and lie about everything. I don’t think the blackness of their souls is strictly about infidelity.

Mine texts me when he arrives at the parking lot of his office, including a Google Maps link

He doesn’t grasp the concept that him cheating is so not something that I care about anymore.

He did that too many times to make it something novel

It’s the lying part that I still take issue with

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8688377
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