SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

LadyG - I truly hope you find a way to free yourself from contact with your WH. He is a POS. Have you been able to gain any distance from him at all? Are you still caring for him during his treatments?

My healing truly only began after my WH passed…ie. no contact. And I am not fully and completely healing yet…enough to want a new beginning, but there are days when I feel I won’t ever be whole and complete again. I am definitely not the same person pre-Dday. In some ways I am a better person…so much stronger and found love for myself. But like I said earlier…I lost my trusting nature. I now no longer believe any everyone is good.

Please try for some separation from WH…so you can continue on your path to healing. Sending you support and hugs.

TA999: belated happy birthday! and thanks for replying to my question, I think my stomach would flip too in your situation, even though you're right and they don't owe you anything (yet). I am glad it's going well and your personalities seem to mesh. Please keep us updated!

I too loved Maid, like @gmc94 said: it was very cathartic to me.
I think they did a really good job of portraying abuse and the cycle that is continued when you grow up in an abusive household.

TA999, WH has all but recovered from any serious illness. He’s not in the best of health but neither am I. Helping him has left me depleted. I am alone in my apartment. I have as little contact with him as I possibly can.

This entire year has been about him. He decided now would be a good time to start confessing his sins. Pleading for forgiveness and another chance.

This person has abused me in every way possible and isolated me from my family and friends for so long.

Wh asked me if I was ashamed of him. Of course I am. But I am more ashamed of myself for allowing the abuse to continue so long. As my son said, I played fake happy family for so long that It became my normal.

WH has TOXIC AMNESIA.

**** WARNING GRAPHIC CONTENT ****

With the Gabby Pettito murder recently, all the years of abuse came flooding back. Being slapped, punched and choked. That footage of her, well that was me. I jumped out of moving cars to get away from him.

I won’t elaborate on the rest.

I am in a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery group. It doesn’t help me but it keeps me in check and reminds of why I had to get out. We share similar experiences.

The sickest thing is WH telling me that he loves me more than ever before.

Hello Goddesses!

I took the day off as I accidentally took 8 hours of vacation time on a Saturday back in March.

Hi womenz, hope all is well. Hugs.

Hello Womenz!

I wanted to ask each of you something.

Now that you know you didn’t marry the man your WH presented himself to be,

Do you blame yourself for not seeing through his facade sooner?

Is there a sense of relief that it’s out in the open?

I ask for an odd reason

Last night, we were falling asleep in bed

I was on my left side, he spooned behind me.

He asked me not to fart on him. As far as I know, I haven’t farted on him. But once he said it, it made me WANT to.

I was never like that before. I laid there thinking about it. After discovering he lied to me for three decades, I now find him unworthy of avoiding farting on.

When did that happen? I am not someone who goes around farting on people.

20, farting on STBXWh should be an honour and privilege for my WH. He should be so lucky.

This past 2 years I have almost completely withdrawn any emotion or feelings for WH and this extends to his mother.

He has cancer, she has cancer…. Blah blah blah. I no longer care about their health and well-being. I was never like this in the past. Blah blah blah was WH’s usual answer to me when I spoke about his infidelity and abuse of me. Now I tune out when he speaks and all I hear is blah blah blah.

I may sound cruel but I am not crazy. WH s***t all over me and our marriage for years. A small fart would be a relief.

20, farting on STBXWh should be an honour and privilege for my WH. He should be so lucky.

That made me giggle. Wh should feel lucky i haven't Dutch Ovened him lol

Now that you know you didn’t marry the man your WH presented himself to be,

Do you blame yourself for not seeing through his facade sooner?

Not at all. My wh is a sweet talker. He can manipulate anyone. As he did with his IC he made her believe I was unreasonable asking for transparency and accountability from him.

Having caught him in many lies i can now see right through his bullshit. And he hates that. I call him out on crap. He never got called out by his OW's.

Something has been bothering me for a while. May i get your opinions?

Wh snd his ows mainly had doggy style sex. Quick. Emotionless. Just quick fucking. I couldn't bring myself to do it that way with him for years. Sex at all was brutal. Then slowly i started to reclaim many things. Doggy style was one of them.

Then all of a sudden wh refused to do it. He would start then stop and say he couldnt. Then he refused completely.

He said its because he wanted to see my face.

To me its like he wants to save those memories of them and not include me

Does that make sense? Im i right to feel put off by him refusing that with ME now?

Hi Dragn,
Is it possible that your wh feels shame? That doggy style triggers it?

Tg

Hi Dragn,
Is it possible that your wh feels shame? That doggy style triggers it?

I wont say its not possible. But it seems unlikely for him to all of a sudden feel shame after years of doing it.

Frankly there are times i do not want to look at him. And reclaiming a trigger only to have him take it away seems cruel.

I don’t think he’s doing it for you at all

Remember, it’s all about them

Eve if they do something for you, it’s about how THEY feel by doing it for you, to you, with you

So, I think he does it to preserve those good times in his head.

When he was giving it to his cumdumps doggy style, and you didn’t know

Our knowledge just takes the fun out of it

Sometimes i wish i had less details.

Sometimes i wish i knew every little bit that he did behind my back. Every word he said.

Ugh! This shit is hard some days.

Hi Dragn - have you asked him why it is important to see your face?

It seems to me that there is an impersonal part to that position and it relates very much to his response about seeing your face so it is more personal. It may be the shame talking here and his attempt at trying to force himself to change.

Just a thought...

Most important is it makes you feel badly. Can you tell him that?

Yes i have asked. He said because everything he wants is "right here".

It is an impersonal position but it gives me more pleasure. Sorry TMI.

The thing is he goes on about wanting Only Me. But i am not special, no different than any of his Ow's. I am just the vagina that does laundry and cooks dinner.

I may have the title of wife but that doesn't mean anything. He isn't authentic and vulnerable with me. We are not a couple, not partners. At least not how we used to be.

Somewhere along the line he put up a wall and wont let me in.

BW only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:11 PM, Monday, December 20th]

20 yrs,

Thanks for the first smile I’ve had all day, (re: farting on your WH).

Might I suggest that just a moment before you fart, you ask, "Is someone cooking popcorn?".

I find that to be a perfect opener, if you will.

Now I’m laughing out loud. Thanks! I needed that.

Dragn,

I am sorry for your struggles. All of this stuff is hard, and it boomerangs just when you think you are in a better place.

I know you have a lot on your plate, can you take some ‘me’ time for a morning or afternoon? Certainly harder with the holidays approaching.

Big hug.

For example - I experience muscle cramps in my legs when body gets in certain positions. Could be this is the problem with your man?

He has leg cramps when in missionary. Standing at the edge of the bed with me on it...not an issue so no.

Also, "getting it on" can be an olfactory experience not enjoyed if both parties are less than pristine.

Ok now i small like shit? Ahh no. This is a man who was intent on anal sex. And he and his whores werent exactly showering before fucking on their work breaks. If he could do it doggy style with them then he can do it with me.

Of course redundant at the moment since we aren't having sex.

I feel sick to my stomach.

First I get an unexpected text from my EXWBF's father. I left my ski's at their house 2 winters ago and I never bothered to ask about them after I've gone NC with ex. Nobody was skiing with the pandemic and all. So his dad texted me to ask me if he should give them to ex (to bring them to me, I guess). I'm just going to ignore.

Next: I suddenly came across screenshots of my text conversation with my EX the night I caught him cheating on me. It feels like a punch to the gut. I am most gutted by the things I said myself. Not so much because I feel guilty of the horrible things I wished upon him, more so because I can read the pain in my words. Nothing less than utter devastation caused me to lash out like that.

To see your raw pain like that, black on white, so suddenly, really hurts. And now I'm left with a nauseated feeling. I wanted to ignore and just keep going with my work but the feeling is there.

ETA: I should add I also came across a couple of pictures of me and my ex very shortly after D-day. And it just pains me to see how 'normal' and 'close' I was with him, so short after that horrible night. There's a picture of him kissing my hand and I'm repulsed. Why did I let him so close to me after what he did? Current me could never do that.

[This message edited by Hedwig at 9:43 PM, Thursday, December 16th]

I am sorry Hedwig. It is so hard when you find anything like that. It teleports you back to that moment.

Maybe crack some wine and put on Mike, you know MAGIC Mike.

And just smile. Big hugs.