Newest Member: Papi

3yrsout

Valentines Day Sucks

There is no right answer. It’s a day fraught with painful truths and unspoken emotional expectations. It’s a set up for failure.

There is nothing my WH can do right for this holiday. No gifts, no card, no nothing. He could anticipate the difficulty for me, though, and be patient and kind as I’m navigating this stormy day.

SMH.

29 comments posted: Sunday, February 13th, 2022

Rock bottom and my 13 year old

So history- My WH (52) and I (45) have now been married 22 years. He cheated with three random hook ups on Craigslist 9 years ago. His why had to do with childhood sex abuse (his sister abused him) and he became anxious when he remembered and expected his Catholic family of 8 kids to ostracize the abuser. They didn’t, so he used sex to treat his anxiety and poor communication with his family. This happened 12 years into our marriage, when our kids were 1 and 3. It occurred over a period spanning almost two years, starting when I was pregnant with our youngest. Who is now 11.

I’m a physician, he’s a stay at home dad. We got a post nupt which I dissolved about four years ago. To be frank, I’d still support him because it’s the right thing to do. He did raise our kids and sacrifice for them, so I’m fine with supporting everyone appropriately and fairly. So I dissolved it.

Two years ago our then 11 year old told me he is trans (FTM). He has been socially transitioned for almost three years now, and has been on hormone blockers to block puberty for the past year. We are seeing a specialist, lots of counselors and a psychiatrist. My trans kid, let’s call him L. The other kid we shall name A. The younger kid A, is super smart and quiet, very rational, very much a thinker. The older kid, L, is my emotional heartache feeling kid. He has such strong feelings, and is very empathetic. He has created a family of other trans and LGBTQ kids in his school. L also has some temper issues, which in retrospect happened because I think his dad might be hurting him.

Over the past three years since L came out, we have moved from Texas (not trans friendly) to the west coast (moderately trans friendly, but it is a small town). L and my husband have been at each other’s throats since he came out. L also has some temper issues (we have repaired at least $6000 worth of dry wall he has kicked in). He is on meds for depression, and carries a diagnosis of depression and ADHD. His adhd meds make him feel bad, (can’t sleep, feels anxious, angry, etc). We have a million resources we are utilizing, so I don’t need that.

L has come to me off and on saying that WH/dad "hits" him. I installed cameras in the house about a year or two ago and witnessed my husband failed to De-escalate (and at times actually escalating L by claiming he is a danger to himself, like gaslighting L). It culminates in screaming matches, L threatening suicide (he’s already been to the ED for taking my seizure meds once, they contracted for safety and sent him home). I saw mutual pushing (more L, more defensive actions from WH, but definite “escalation” behavior from WH also. Granted, L is very easy to escalate and it takes some mad skills to de-escalate him, which I have because I was a kid in an abusive home, my job was to deescalate things with my mom and one of her husbands. I have insight that I am an enabler. But can you enable a 13 yr old in pain? I set boundaries, and have worked intensely on my relationship with him, which is overall good, per the kid. I have said some things that are unforgivable to him two years ago, like I need respite care because I’m overwhelmed, maybe we should do foster care for a couple of days. I never should have said that to him. I dealt with my own abused history and have found a place that a 13 yr old isn’t abusing me. I’m the adult. My job is to teach coping skills, and over the past two years, this kid has learned a huge amount and practices them with me. But not with his dad. At all.)

I am using the word forced here on purpose. I have forced my husband into therapy, I have forced him to reassess his communication skills, I know our 13 yr old prolly has some serious issues, too, but usually a fucking skilled adult can help navigate this with him. I’m not too proud of my own behavior. The 13 yr old threw something at me last night and hit me in the head. Long story short, he continued to insist that his dad is "pushing him". He went on to describe an incident where he chased his dad around some furniture and came at his dad, screaming at him. His dad put his hands up "in defense" and pushed him away. We have a strict no touching policy because L and WH have escalated things to the point where it becomes mutual, except it isn’t. Because one of them is a goddamn fucking adult. Shit ain’t mutual when one is a kid.

So the no touching policy was violated. I asked WH to find a hotel for the night. He came over (uninvited) to the house at 630 this morning, insisting that he has to make things better with L and terribly frightened.

He did this with me, when I discovered his affairs. He steps all over boundaries and people’s space to calm down when he feels anxious. This is a theme for him, and I have pointed it out ad nauseum. AND HE IS STILL DOING IT. Case and point this morning.

He touched our 13 yr old, and I don’t care about the context. He’s the adult. I don’t see that he has enough depth of insight to even control his anxiety to stop himself from coming over uninvited. He will invariably fuck this shit up with L. His apologies are shitty, unthoughtful, and directly related to his anxiety level. His actions are inconsistent and frenetic, bull in a china shop.

He needs to be gone, but this shit hurts. I’m caught, but in some ways my kid telling me this kills me. I ignored it before, attributing it to the very real 13 yr old angst and dad drama. But I think I missed real abuse, guys. And I think I have some fucking accountability I need to do with my kid. Because I stayed after the affairs to keep the family together.

I did wrong and I ignored all the signs, and I’m torn up that I was so stupid. My WH needs to go because of immaturity and poor impulse control and probably abusive actions with the kid. And the kid is now old enough to stay away from him.

And I feel relief, I’m scared about the future, but I’m relieved that this might be over finally.

I don’t know what to ask here. I’m kind of a mess.

35 comments posted: Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

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