Newest Member: Strugglinglady

I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 4

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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 2:42 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

Something this whole crapshoot has taught me is that we Betrayeds are alone.

Our spouses are incapable of intimacy with us, because we’re real. They aren’t.

So we’ve been in a relationship with a shell, an empty husk where a whole human being would normally be.

I’m accustomed to being alone. I just didn’t know I was until the last 5 years.

My offspring are much more real than their father.

He’s so clueless he doesn’t comprehend what he’s lacking

Which is why he will never have the relationship he wants because he’s incapable

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2112   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8692923
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:18 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

(((20yrsagoBS))) I was more alone in my M than I am being on my own (not going to lie though it does get lonely but never lasts long).

Our spouses are incapable of intimacy with us, because we’re real. They aren’t.

Could really relate to this. That was the issue the entire M, no intimacy.

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8067   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8692942
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 7:54 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

Isn’t it amazing how much work/love/effort we invested into a pipe dream?

WH says it wasn’t a pipe dream

He claims he’s a changed man after DDay 1996

But he continued to lie to me, gaslight, etc

He still craves attention

He hasn’t changed. Getting caught just made him sneakier

I have told him sneaking is exerting an awful lot of energy for nothing

So he denies sneaking

I just won’t play into it anymore

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2112   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8692989
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 4:08 AM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

Hi ladies,

Been catching up with reading about gaslighting and narcissistic abuse.

It appears that Betrayeds are alone but there are so many of us out there.

My latest self help book, Recovery from Gaslighting, Narcissistic Abuse, Codependency and Complex PTSD by Don Barlow, arrived today. It’s going to be another long and lonely read.

I so hate playing victim but I am really only just discovering how much abuse I have been subjected to. I can’t get my head around it.

I don’t have hope of Recovery from this.

Recovery seems like a pipe dream.

Hope you are well considering.

I am still in lockdown for about a month… like infidelity, Covid just keep giving.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 940   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8693085
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Sadismynewname ( member #63897) posted at 12:55 PM on Saturday, October 16th, 2021

Do you find yourself searching for something/ someone that can relate to this pain and just take it away? Here it is 3 1/2 years and I have a few days of peace then my reality sits in again. I am now getting close to 70 and I am actually alone as you have written. We are still married and do things together and travel but it just will never be the same. A 72 year old man that tells himself it is okay to take a 28 year old out to lunch when he has been married for 36 years just isn’t someone I want to be married to. I loved and respected my husband so much and to find out I was not loved is so painful to me. Of course, he says the usual that he did and he wasn’t ever going to leave me etc. I just feel the minute he told himself it was ok to text her he divorced me. I am just so sad. Counseling, meditation and time has not diminished my pain at all.

posts: 163   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northwest
id 8693593
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 11:48 PM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

Sad,

I feel likewise.

The harm is permanent

I had hoped once WH is deceased I will feel relief, but ThrownAway99 has shown me it only leaves you with more unanswered questions

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2112   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8694070
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Sadismynewname ( member #63897) posted at 11:04 AM on Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

20years I see your husband says similar things to mine. Like we are just going to believe what they say. I believed it for 36 years and look where that got me.

posts: 163   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northwest
id 8694113
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 5:16 AM on Friday, October 22nd, 2021

Yes,

Believing them was a mistake.

I assume most of what he says to me are lies nowadays. He gets angry when I say it out loud.

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2112   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8694459
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 1:38 PM on Monday, October 25th, 2021

Hi my friends…it’s been a bit so I thought I would check in.

20yrs - you are so right in my situation about the unanswered questions. My WH did lie about everything to me…and then lie some more after Dday. And more truths pop up even now about his affairs…I think cheated for 2 years longer than he told me…right up until he got diagnosed with Cancer.

Here’s the odd thing…the new information doesn’t hurt me any more. It’s more of a "yup" well that explains a lot.

In hindsight looking back at my marriage, I was lonely for years. All those cheating years. I filled myself up with my kids, friends and diy house projects but there was always a void. I thought something was wrong with me. I could never pinpoint why I felt so alone….and sorry if it’s TMI, but why I no longer enjoyed sex with my WH. I now believe it was my body knowing more than my head did. Somehow reacting to not feeling safe.

On a happier note…today is my birthday. I am thankful that I got to spend the weekend with my kids and will have supper out tonight with my best GF’s.

And I have dipped my toe into online dating at the urging of my friends. My kids are okay with it and my daughter helps with my "swipes". I discovered quickly, I have even have issues chatting at the same time with more than one man. God knows how my husband carried on with me and 2 other women at the same time. I am not built for it.

Had a 4th date with a man…and finally disclosed about my past…that I am not just a simple grieving widow…but instead have a past full of trauma. Go figure…his wife cheated on him also…they lasted 5 years past Dday then she left him and they finally divorced. Makes me wonder if everyone out there is either a betrayed person or a cheater. Taking this at snail pace and trying not be closed minded as I find my willingness to trust anyone is small.

I am a work in progress still but leaps and bounds better than I was a year ago when WH died and 2 years ago at Dday.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair

posts: 520   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8694956
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 2:15 PM on Monday, October 25th, 2021

Happy Birthday 99!!!

I hope you kick up your heels and enjoy a big celebration!

And I hear and agree with all you said.

These monsters don’t care that they are sentencing us to a life of fuckedupedness with their evil.

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2112   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8694960
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gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 11:22 PM on Monday, October 25th, 2021

Happy Bday TA999!
And congrats on dipping your toe into OD, and even being vulnerable with someone on a date!
That sounds amazeballs to me.

why I no longer enjoyed sex with my WH. I now believe it was my body knowing more than my head did. Somehow reacting to not feeling safe.

I agree... my bedroom went dead during my WH's PA, and it's only in hindsight I realize that my body KNEW something was up with him, and that I did NOT feel safe with the vulnerability of sex with him / that he was not emotionally present. I've been watching the miniseries Maid, and at one point an IC says that a panic attack is your body knowing something. I had my first / only full on "I think I'm having a heart attack right this minute" panic attack a couple of months after my WH first had sex with his LTAP.

The body really does keep the score.

Hope you have a wonderful evening with your GFs tonight.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3441   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8695036
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 2:31 AM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

Thank you for the birthday wishes! I had great day.

I finished Maid and thought it was fantastic. I really liked how they portrayed the emotional abuse…and that the main character, Alex, did not even realize that what she was experiencing was abuse. It showed that not all abuse is stereo-typical and physical. It’s the gaslighting and control. The baby steps of how it can worsen over time. And how hard it is to break free of the cycle.

And yes 1000% I agree, the body keeps score.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair

posts: 520   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8695065
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