Feeling mad/sad today
WH and I are about a year into R. H was immediately remorseful upon my discovery that he had been sexting with women on line for 2 years and sending them boatloads of money (his thank god, not mine) He also posted 2 or 3 nude selfies on line. I was devastated. Completely out of character in our 20 year good marriage and 30 year relationship. We’re now both in our 70s. He came clean with websites he visited and wrote me both an apology letter and a timeline of his acting out. We separated for 6 months. He began IC, as did I. We decided we both wanted to give R a chance at that time, so he moved back.
That’s background. We’ve been doing pretty well in R, regular checking in, not rugsweeping more and better communication/affection. But yesterday, while visiting my friend at her vacation home, we had a setback. I used his phone to see if I could collect messages left on land line at home. Had forgotten how to do that so was cruising around on phone service cite. Landed on a rarely used email page (phone and Internet and TV bundled). Noticed a few folders of messages, two names under massage Claudia andSerene. H was standing next to me and so I pointed and said"what is this." He looked confused and said, "There’s nothing there…. Nothing ever opened." Later with more time I went back and opened folders and sure enough read a dozen or so messages from 2011 all regarding future and post massage appts, as well as Wells Fargo receipts for payouts in most recent activity. Although this was stuff that I mostly already knew about, what I read provided, shall we say, a fuller picture of it all. I confronted him with anger. He apologized and tried to console me, stating that it was all old stuff, and as he continues to say, he stopped on d day and has no desire to return. I believe that to be true, at least at this moment, but this didn’t lessen the impact. Now, as I told him, I just feel very, very, sad and just sort of sick. Neither of us slept much at all last night, but have talked very little since we are visiting friend at lake cottage with thin walls (though she is one of very few who know the details of our trauma.). We have 2 more days of this visit and then plans for another long next weekend/outdoor concert and stay with other friends, somewhat coincidentally our 22 anniversary. I feel so conflicted. On the one hand, it’s hard to imagine actually splitting up, but on the other hand I find myself wondering how I could possibly imagine accepting the enormity of his betrayal enough to continue moving forward. A familiar feeling for many of us here on SI I know.
5 comments posted: Sunday, September 5th, 2021
Repairing friend relationships
H and I are a year and a half into R. Generally doing well, addressing issues, having hard conversations, not rugsweeping etc.
H's acting out shocked not only me but my siblings and the very few friends who know the details. Dday was in April 2020, after which time we separated for 6 months. Since reconciling we have spent time with my sibs and spouses, and 2 of my close female friends -- all of whom know the ugly details. They all obviously were happy to "follow my lead." We weren't doing much socializing any way because of pandemic. However, this eve we plan to have dinner with a couple to whom we have been close for more than 20 years. (Socialized a lot, traveled together etc) I've known both of them (in fact introduced them) longer than I've known H. She and I have been very close friends for more than 30 years. In the last year, he lost a son and she has had major health issues. I saw both of them a few times while H and I were separated. And I've seen her a few times since then. But this eve will be the first time post Dday that they have seen H. He wrote them an apology (voluntarily) months and months ago. (He did the same with my sibs.) But unlike sibs, couple friends responded only minimally. H was clearly disappointed. We 4 do have a plan for a weekend together in Sept. So I see this dinner this eve as a kind of necessary icebreaker before that. H asked me this am whether I thought he should address "the elephant in the room" at our dinner tonight. Mostly I'm thinking that that would be helpful for all of us. H is willing to do it. This particular female friend of mine had the angriest reaction to learning about H's betrayal. Said early on "He'll have a high wall to climb for me, that's for sure" though that was more than a year ago now. More recently she said to me "I'm not angry, I'm disappointed." and later..... "I haven't even thought about him. He'll do what he'll do. I have many more pressing concerns than him at the moment." That of course is true. I realize they will have to come to their own terms with H, just as I do. I can't fix this. If anyone can, it must be H. But it's quite possible that the damage (for them) is permanent, which makes me very sad.
Just reaching out here to see what experiences others in R have had along these lines. While I think acknowledging the elephant in the room would be helpful, I don't want to make friends more uncomfortable - or somehow make things worse.....
4 comments posted: Saturday, August 14th, 2021
Totally triggering TV
I want to rant here about many highly acclaimed TV series. Like many of us, husband and I upped our TV watching during the pandemic. We are in our 70s. Historically have watched nearly no TV. Husband watches some sports stuff, we watch a few news shows on Friday eve and then a video if we’re home. In the before times that was about it for the entire week. Fast forward to the during times. Now we’re watching Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights. Some movies and lots of series. We are 13 months + post my discovery that H spent 2 years cybersexting on line and sending $$ to camgirls for pics and video. Immediately after that we separated for 6 months. H was remorseful from get go – no history of anything like that in past. We are doing well in reconciliation, however I’m having a hard time finding anything “current” to watch that doesn’t include 1) an affair 2) jokey references to porn, 3) graphic seemingly gratuitous sex, 4) scatological refs and scenes etc etc. And then there’s another whole category - seemingly over the top graphic violence against women - (looking at you Outlanders and Handmaids Tale and others - many of which might even refer to themselves as feminist dramas.) I stupidly continue to choose these shows based on reviews and interesting sounding story lines. And then I am just bummed out by them. I came of age back in the 60s and 70s and am firmly in camp of anything between two consenting adults shouldn’t be censored/legislated. And for sure I’m no prude. But does showing it and discussing it have to pervade every new show? Is there nothing more interesting/enlightening to show and tell? I know, I know, I can just turn it off. And I have. But it seems more and more difficult to find anything that isn’t really just over the top raunchy. I know that I am quite sensitive about some of this stuff because of H’s acting out, but even without that I’ve started to think that we’re headed down a really sorry path … TV as soft porn. Actually, maybe not even “soft.” End of rant.
11 comments posted: Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021