OOL, you said
Looking back on previous relationships, I was the one disposed of also. What makes me so disposable, and easy to walk away from. Why does no one want to fight for me. Why do I continue to give my love to men who are unavailable in whatever form that might take?
When I look back on my own similar situation, I see something that maybe you can relate to. I embraced partners who had gaps, openings, need in their lives. And I gladly, lovingly filled those gaps for them.
Beautiful, right? Except that the message it truly sent, if I'm being honest, is "I don't deserve an equal. I deserve someone with deficits so that I can prove my worth." And I lived every day proving my amazing love, while my partners lived every day feeling superior to me, needed by me. They felt my desire to prove myself and knew I didn't value myself. It didn't need to be said.
I'm not sure if you see any truth in this, but the work you are doing now will help you to get as much as you give. It's helping you to know you deserve it. And future partners will feel you demand more. Because overly giving, overly helping, overly fixing is felt by the weak and immoral as a vulnerability, an area to exploit, a path to manipulation. When we shore up our own value, we close up all paths to our hearts other than strength, stability, accountability.
I'm really really struggling with my mental health this week. Just seem to keep crying.
I don't know what your IC would say, but when I hit this stage, my IC said, "So? Nobody ever died from crying. Why are you fighting these feelings? They are demanding to be felt."
If you are crying, then it is because you need to cry. You are hurting. Have you done any inner child work? It's SO helpful in this stage because she is who is crying in you. She wants comfort, damn it. She wants love. The little girl in you is scared and sad and lonely, but it's YOU that she needs to hear from, Outoflove. It's you that can help her now.
Find a photo of you as a very young girl. Look at it. Remember her and the way she felt when she used to cry. Let her tell you how she feels and hurts. But now, tell her the things someone should have told her. That you think she's amazing and funny and cool. That she's so smart and adorable. And you will love her and watch over her every minute of her life. She's going to be fine. Actually talk to your young self and give her the comfort she never got. Listen to what she has to say. Grieve for her. Grieve with her.
This is the time to let all the tears and sadness out, stuff you've been carrying for 30 years. Feelings demand to be felt all the way through until they disappear on their own. You can't control them. If you distract yourself to stop the pain, they will hide and come out later. If you want them gone forever, then let them come. Nobody ever died from crying. And in a few days or weeks, when the tears finally dry and you and your little self are back in touch, you will feel lighter and free-er than you have felt in your entire life.
Through the rain you go. But there is an amazing rainbow on the other side. Wishing you all the best on this healing journey. You don't feel great, but you have come so far to find yourself. You are almost there.
[This message edited by OwningItNow at 8:15 PM, April 15th (Thursday)]