Per the DSM, NPD includes:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and with lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood, as indicated by at least five of the following:
1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements, expects to be recognized as superior without actually completing the achievements)
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty, or perfect love.
3. Believes that they are "special" and can only be understood by or should only associate with other special people (or institutions).
4. Requires excessive admiration.
5. Has a sense of entitlement, such as an unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment or compliance with his or her expectations).
6. Is exploitative and takes advantage of others to achieve their own ends.
7. Lacks empathy and is unwilling to identify with the needs of others.
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them.
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes
Relating to my own xwh...
1. He always believed himself to be the smartest/most badass person ever. Always talked about things he knew how to do (when turns out he actually didn't know how to do them). He expected to be treated as brilliant by everyone. Was he smart? Yeah he was. Was he the smartest? Not by a long shot.
2. He was alwayyyyys talking about what he'd do when he became a millionaire or invented something that would make him rich and/or famous. He was always talking about how he'd run things if he was in public office. Problem was he didn't want to work for any of those things. Problem was he would get pissy as fuck when I didn't immediately support these ridiculous fantasies because they were not based in ANY reality.
3. He was always misunderstood, the poor muffin. You see, no one appreciated his genius.
4. Oh I heard an earful after dday about how I 'never complimented him' (not true). How I 'never supported him' (also not true). How he felt invisible because I was apparently a horrible bitch who made his life hell. Funny he never seemed to feel those things when I was paying all of his bills, buying his cars, working my ASS off to keep a roof over our heads cus oh yeah, HE DIDN'T WORK FOR THE ENTIRETY OF OUR MARRIAGE. But sure, of course it's understandable that he cheated cus I was somehow remiss in petting his pathetic little ego
5. The best indicator of this one was after he "fell in love" with his 18 year old ap (when he was 30 fucking 7 mind you, so DOUBLE her age) and decided he was "poly", I was told that he "needed to date and have sexual relationships with other women" and that I had "better just get on board with that". *Morgan Freeman voiceover* It transpired that she did NOT 'get on board with that'.
6. Exploitative? I would say being a borderline child predator counts for that, wouldn't you?
7. Lacks empathy.... I remember a fight we had after dday when I was just emotionally reeling and havin a really bad day. I was told that I should just 'stop getting so over-emotional' because it was 'exhausting him to have to deal with my outbursts'. Bear in mind this was said to me 12 days after dday 1. 12 DAYS.
8. Constantly compared his situation with his brother and the 2 or 3 friends he actually had. Bought new cars etc because someone else got one. Or more factually, made his wife buy him new cars so he could feel better.
9. Was always arrogant and holier than thou. I didn't see it so much when I was in it (mostly cus I didn't want to admit I married someone just like my dad I think), but I sure started connecting those dots after dday.
So, am I a doctor? No. Am I diagnosing him with NPD? Also no. Am I saying he was a narcissistic man baby/douche canoe? Yes. And I say that because of the objective reality I lived with for YEARS and my observations of his behavior in those years. Not all narcs are cheaters and not all cheaters are narcs, but it seems to me that a lot of cheaters definitely exhibit at least a few of those traits.
[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 8:11 PM, Tuesday, June 21st]