The Same Marriage
Over the years, I've often read comments from members along the lines of: "I was in the same marriage but didn't choose to cheat." It seems me that most people readily accept the premise that both spouses shared a common perception and understanding of their marriage, which, I believe, is generally far from the truth. Each spouse comes to the marriage with their own unique perspectives and experience regarding what a marriage should, or should not, be. For a myriad of possible reasons, both spouses would have most likely described their marriage in very different ways before an affair (and most certainly afterwards).
In many ways, it's like the old saying that all siblings have two different parents. That is, as children or as parents, we all related to each other in different ways, based upon our own personalities. I'm quite certain that my parents treated me differently than they did my sister, and both my sister and I certainly treated our parents differently, as well.
Understanding that I was not in the "same marriage" was yet another reason why I so adamantly refuse to accept that the marriage is in any way, shape or form responsible for a spouse's decision to become wayward.
14 comments posted: Sunday, June 12th, 2022
(don't have much else to say)
10 comments posted: Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022
I'm pretty sure my STBXWW is already seeing someone else. We haven't even filed yet, which is me dragging my ass on the paperwork.
A few weeks ago, she asked me if we could spend a little time together as a family during Christmas Eve and Day (she caught a cold, which, thankfully, limited our time together). During the same convo, she also asked if the kid could spend New Year's Eve with me, telling me that she "has the opportunity to go see (can't remember who) in concert." I didn't ask then and I have no intention of asking at all if she had a date. Of course, it's been great having the kid with me all this time. Bonus for me, right? Thing is, she's hardly seen him in two weeks, now. I half expected him to go over to her place at some point today and am still half expecting it to happen tomorrow. However, having known her for over twenty years, I'm sure she's fully enjoying all of this time to herself, and whomever she's seeing (and probably fucking).
I'm not entirely sure how I feel about all of this. At least she waited until we were separated this time. If I wasn't completely and utterly done with her before, am sure as shit am now. Being married to such an unauthentic human being just fucking sucks balls, you know?!
17 comments posted: Saturday, January 1st, 2022
Grrrr. Just fucking grrrrr....!!!!
Two weeks ago I was working all weekend (catering biz). Long hours Friday and Saturday with a few more Sunday afternoon. The week prior, my stbxww tells me she might have to go out of town Sunday morning. That was it. I never heard back from her. That Saturday night I get a call from my TEN YEAR OLD at 10pm. He tells me he's having trouble falling asleep. I immediately asked where is mom was and he tells me she's at home "cleaning." Yep. She left my 10yo son alone. I wasn't due to leave the event until at least midnight (finally left around 12:45am, getting home around 1:15am). I find out the next morning that she's already left town, meaning that I am now going to have to leave my 10yo son at home for seven hours or so. Tried to find somewhere for him to go with little luck.
(I told my therapist about this, which wasn't terribly smart of me, and he quickly informs me that he leaving a child that young all alone is against the law and that he has a legal obligation to inform child protective services. Thankfully, I convinced him this wasn't an on-going issue, wouldn't be an issues in the future, and he let it slide).
Our nights seemed to have changed after our original verbal agreement (we've yet to start mediation, which is something I'm going to start sooner rather than later to get all of this legally binding). Our original agreement was he would stay with me Sunday through Wednesday nights. Now that's changed to Tuesday through Thursday nights. So, I'll get him part of the day because of school and she gets him all weekend).
Yesterday, as the kid and I were on our way to the local amusement park, he informs me that his mother is going out to a concert that night and has hired a baby-sitter! I immediately called her to let her know exactly what I thought of that shit and that he would be spending the night with me.
Today, I go out to the mail box and when I returned she's standing in my apartment, all smiles and how's it going? I explained to her that I consider EVERY DAY to be MY day. That is, I'm his father 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. There's no "my day" or "your day." If she has something she's wants to do on one of "her nights" he's always, ALWAYS, ALWAYS welcome in my home. There's absolutely no reason at all to hire a baby-sitter. I'll take every possible moment I can get with him (which I why I stayed six years ago).
So, I'm a bit angry. I'm not in the mood to talk to her. Not at all. Not in the least. Although I really, really wanted to, I didn't ask her to leave and wait in her car for the kid. I can't talk to her about that with the boy around. I told her I was angry and didn't want to talk. She asked me why I'm angry.
Why am I angry with her???
7 comments posted: Friday, August 13th, 2021
New lessons in boundaries
My stbx wants to be friends.
She wants to chat.
When she drops off the boy, she walks right into what is now MY apartment.
I made a bit of mistake the other day, which requires a short explanation. On Thursday nights in June and July, the local pools stay open an extra two hours, families attend, bring food and snacks and, of course, plenty of beerz. This past Thursday would have been the last such evening of the summer and the chances were good we'd see lots of friends and neighbors. Unfortunately, the MCA failed to tell everyone that they'd changed the last night to Wednesday and the last Thursday was reserved for a staff party.
Now, our agreement thus far is that I have him Sunday through Wednesday nights and he spends Thursday through Saturday nights at her place. The kid had been looking forward to this all week and I'd agreed to go with him and bring snacks, pizza, and cookies, the raft, the beach ball, the little balls, and all that jazz. (no beerz, for me). And since he'd be out late, he wanted to spend the night with me.
She was fine with this arrangement. After we got home from the pool (still dry, no pizza, all the snacks still tucked neatly away in the bag), the kid was soooo disapointed and feeee-urisis with the MCA, he went straight into his room, plopped own on the lower bunk, and pouted for a very, very long time.
Not wanting any hint of deception, I called her to let her know what was going on. (yeah, I'm learning). We didn't talk long because my son called her. Whew! Short conversation.
"The fucking MCA switched the nights and didn't tell anyone," was all he said to her before he hung up because he was soooo disappointed by the sheer insanity of it all. (He's learning).
She then calls me back and tells me what he said and laughs and wants to chat and...
I have to learn some new boundaries.
I sort of like not having her in my life. It's the most fucked-up trade-off I've ever made. I don't see my kid most weekends (I'm in the catering biz and folks are making up for last year. Party on Garth. Party on Wayne). I liked seeing me kid every day (okay, the occasional break was nice). I miss him.
I just want to purge her completely out of my life and find peace and harmony with the MCA. I'm really good at ghosting people. Except, of course, I can't, which is really... (rant, curse, flail about on the keyboard in a very unhinged manner).
Any tips on being polite while drawing a few new boundaries?
[This message edited by Unhinged at 2:28 AM, August 1st (Sunday)]
7 comments posted: Sunday, August 1st, 2021
It's been a little over a month since my sbtx moved out. I'm still coming to grips with yet another new reality. Lots of confusing emotions that I more or less ignore and yet it's peace I seek.
Anything but infidelity. That's the thing I keep coming back to. Although we both tried, I think there was simply too much resentment to overcome. For both of us. I wasn't attracted to her anymore and I think, in turn, that lead to a lack of attraction on her part as well.
I don't regret staying for the kid. However, I didn't truly understand the cost.
I hate that I failed to provide my son with the happy, stable home that I never had. I hate that he has to bounce back and forth between two homes. I hate not seeing every, single day.
I can't imagine ever dating again, or anything close to falling in love again. I've had so many failed relationship in my life that entering a new one seems a bit masochistic.
Mostly, I just feel adrift, wondering what to do next.
10 comments posted: Saturday, July 24th, 2021
Divorce is on the horizon. I have very mixed feelings about this and, once again, I'm going back to therapy (something I should done a long time ago). There's a part of me that seems to instinctually rebel at the idea that my one and only marriage is coming to an end. On the other hand, there's a part of me that's quite relieved that this toxic marriage is finally ending.
One Saturday morning, hardly a couple of months past d-day, my STBXFWW (jezz) and I had a fight. I stormed out of the apartment, took a walk, and then found myself sitting on a park bench feeling as if I was having an out-of-body experience. By this point, I'd had enough of the blame-shifting, defensiveness, equivocations and all the rest of the shit storm. I wanted out.
And then I began to think about how this would impact my (then) four-year-old son. I was a stay-at-home-dad. I had dedicated my life to raising our son. I simply couldn't imagine blowing-up his little world. I couldn't imagine not seeing him every single day (okay, the occasional breaks were nice). I couldn't imagine navigating potential step-parents and holidays and all the rest of it. What really stopped me in my tracks, however, was that my wife was clearly falling apart and I had an obligation to ensure he'd be safe with her. I simply couldn't "pull the trigger."
That's not a solid foundation upon which to base reconciliation. Which was something SI members often pointed out to me, and each other, back in the day. Other members wrote that they knew they'd never feel the same about their WS and marriage and that letting go sooner rather than later would save everyone a lot of pain and trouble.
I don't regret trying to reconcile or having stayed married these past six years to a woman I knew I'd never completely love again. I hung on to whatever was there, whatever was left, whatever I could, and let myself sink into a depression that eventually drained joy out of me.
I've survived infidelity and I'm pretty sure I can survive divorce.
I have to admit, in many ways, I look forward to being free. Last summer, for no particular reason, I sent a text to an old SI friend I'd "met" many years ago when we both first joined SI. She tried reconciliation, too, until her XWH cheated again. Her replies were so rapid that I gave up trying to keep pace and called her instead. For the first time in over five years, this now XBW was happy. And I was jealous!
Anyway, here I am. Not really sure what I'm looking for, other than a few virtual hugs and more of that good ole fashioned SI wisdom.
34 comments posted: Wednesday, May 5th, 2021
When I was a kid my favorite part of Passover was the dipping the parsley in salt water. I was the only one! Which always meant more for me.
4 comments posted: Sunday, March 28th, 2021
Song Title Game T/J
Has anyone ever heard the term "Yacht Rock?"
What is it?
(it's cheating if you look it up first)
5 comments posted: Friday, May 31st, 2019
The Funniest Movies of All Time
What are the five funniest movies you've ever seen? These are mine.
Monty Python's "The Life of Brian" is without a doubt the funniest movie I have ever seen. I know it word for word. The rest are in no particular order.
Arsenic & Old Lace
The Nutty Professor (remake with Eddie Murphy)
21 comments posted: Sunday, October 21st, 2018
"The Unbearable Lightness of Being"
I read Milan Kundera's book in my early twenties, so I don't remember it very well. However, I do remember that infidelity was a central theme. I'm not sure how good this book would be post-infidelity, but I'm seriously considering reading it once again.
3 comments posted: Monday, October 17th, 2016