Newest Member: ekit20

landclark

Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 TT through August
One child together, 3 stepchildrenTogether 13.5 years, married 12.5

First EA 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19. *ETA, contd an ea after dday for 2 yrs.

Mods please and thank you

Thanks!

1 comment posted: Monday, July 11th, 2022

Displaced anger

Short of never reading about infidelity and staying off social media, how do folks deal with displaced anger? Whenever I get angry about some stress or some story I’ve read, I completely shutdown from my WH. I wouldn’t say I always take it out on him in terms of yelling and such, but I distance myself and make it clear I don’t want to be around him.

Nothing new has really happened with him to cause new anger. We have definitely had our issues. It’s not sunshine and roses. I still don’t believe it was never physical beyond a kiss and get hung up on that. I just immediately jump to the old hurts when something annoys me.

I was able to turn it around this morning, but it’s not easy.

Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks!

9 comments posted: Sunday, July 10th, 2022

Screw the broken road

I remember thinking the song Bless the Broken Road was perfect for my WH and I. My prior relationships had sucked, and he was so different. Little did I know. Heard it again today and now all I can think is "FU broken road". Lol. (just teasing Rascal Flatts, I still love you)

These days I don’t listen to a lot of music outside of Disney soundtracks. I get too emotional about some songs. I do love Numb Little Bug, and it accurately describes much of my feelings these days. I also enjoy ABCDEFU. Ha ha

I know songs have been discussed before, but anybody else relate to Numb Little Bug? Is it depression? Just feeling so meh about so much these days. Not that I don’t have fun or find joy, but most stuff is just meh.

What are some other must listen to songs?

19 comments posted: Tuesday, June 7th, 2022

He is mad at me??

So I have access to my WH's Facebook account. I very rarely look at it these days, weeks/months will go by without so much as a thought to look. Having full access to social media was a requirement of attempting R, and I make no apology for that.

This morning I was reading something and it said there was a way to download Facebook history, included deleted messages, so I tried it. I had actually forgotten that I had tried it before and realized it didn't work (doesn't show deleted messages, but it does show if they're regularly using secret messages which is funny because not so secret, ha ha). Anyway, I wasn't upset, mad, etc., in doing this. Really didn't even expect to find anything damning. It was more "Hey, didn't know that, going to try it."

I told him I had done this because I had no reason to hide it. Now he is mad at me for doing this. Mad at me. Not sad that I felt the need to do it, not disappointed, both of which would have been totally understandable, but actually mad. In his words though, he's trying not to be. Oh, thank you for that.

Anyway, just venting. I really don't feel like this deserves his anger. His IC is all about using his voice and standing up for himself, which isn't wrong but it's now bordering on being used to shut me up or controlling when and how we talk about stuff which I am not ok with. I have no doubt he will bring this up in MC on Friday and of course, it will be my response that was not ok.

Ok, stopping now. Ugh............

17 comments posted: Thursday, June 2nd, 2022

God didn’t bring you together, Facebook did

I was just thinking of some of the stupid things my WH and first AP said to each other, and this is right up there. "God brought us together!"

They "found each other" on Facebook after 30 or so years. Considering the popularity of Facebook 10 years ago and the number of people on it, hardly an act of God, and certainly not fate.

Just a beautiful Sunday, thinking about the dumb things they said to each other to justify what they were doing. I wonder if he ever thinks back now and realizes how stupid it was.

25 comments posted: Monday, May 2nd, 2022

Fake cheating filters/shorts

When did pretending to cheat become funny? There are so many short videos (tik tok/Instagram) and filters about fake cheating just to capture somebody’s reaction.

It’s really not funny. Even if I hadn’t been cheated on I don’t think I’d find it funny.

What a cesspool the social media world has become.

9 comments posted: Wednesday, April 20th, 2022

Vent - I was hoping we’d have a nice night together

Anybody hear some version of this whenever conversation potentially veers into A territory? I find it very manipulative, like a way to try and guilt me into silence. He of course doesn’t see it that way and gets upset and pouty when I tell him I won’t accept it. That he doesn’t get to control or suppress my feelings or thoughts.

I wasn’t even upset or talking specifically about the affairs. I saw a woman at school drop off that I caught him chatting him years ago behind my back, but the only reason I brought it up was to complain about how she got out of her car twice and held up progress when they’ve said repeatedly not to do that. Then I felt bad when I realized who it was (I don’t hold any animosity to her, I think she was actually innocent and made uncomfortable by my WH when he asked for her to not tell anybody about their conversations (she did tell by the way)).

If he was concerned he could have just asked me if something was bothering me related to the affairs, but no. "I was hoping we’d have a nice night together." If I wasn’t upset before, definitely upset after that.

First marriage counseling appointment tomorrow. That should be fun.

22 comments posted: Friday, April 8th, 2022

The search for a marriage counselor is a big ugh

Not really looking for advice here, just want to say that the search for a MC is no fun. First one had no experience in relationship issues (not sure how that was even a match). Second wants to help through the extensive learnings of Esther Perel.

I wonder how many matches I can pass on before they boot me. ha ha

I realize that I am VERY lucky to have the option to not settle and instead pass on any that are obviously not a good fit. I wish everybody had this option.

Back to the drawing board..........

8 comments posted: Thursday, March 24th, 2022

Work advice needed

I asked my WH his opinion and he says change nothing, but sometimes he lacks in the empathy department.

I have a close coworker who is struggling. There was an issue that really drove down her confidence level and it’s affecting her ability to put herself out there. She has talked to me several times and I absolutely have no issue listening, trying to help and being a sympathetic ear. I truly do empathize with her and she truly is an awesome worker who is very smart and has great ideas, and executes things really well. I have been there in the past though (had a terrible boss who often made me feel less than). Ultimately though she really needs to do something for herself instead of staying in this unhealthy state. She is super busy which I know doesn’t help.

I am also busy at work, but don’t have the same internal struggle as her. I’m confident in what I bring to the table and don’t see everything as a need to prove myself. I often have random thoughts or recognize needs, and am not one to wait on others if it’s something I can do myself (i also don’t steal other peoples ideas though, I act on my own ideas and ones that the groups I support bring to me). I also find myself involved in a lot of stuff because I often ask not necessarily for more to do, but different things to do. I don’t do it for the spotlight or because I’m not busy, I do it because otherwise I would just push emails around all day, and that’s boring AF and not something I find particularly challenging (other than sheer volume of emails). I also think people just generally like working with me. I work hard to build relationships and such at work because ultimately I think it helps everybody to all be on one side. I say all that to say we are just very different people. I’m not better, just different.

Now it’s to the point though where I’m subtly being accused of doing it for the glory and like our mutual supervisor is favoring me. This has come up before as well. The reality couldn’t be further from the truth. Fellow introverts understand, I despise the spotlight. I do however enjoy providing tools that I know are useful and help others succeed and don’t feel like not doing that is the right response. My definition of success is helping others succeed. Now though I’m feeling like I can’t even share tools I’ve created within our group because then I’ll be accused of something nefarious. If I don’t share though, I will get crap because then I’m making everybody do the same work and that’s just not ok (has happened to me several times). So I feel like I can’t win and it’s really bothering me. I don’t want to seem unsympathetic, but at the same time I feel like it’s putting this pressure on me to be less me because somebody else is less them, if that makes sense.

Not sure if any of this makes sense. Ideally she’d get her confidence level back and this would all be a non issue, but that just doesn’t seem to be happening. Any thoughts or advice on how to handle?

4 comments posted: Sunday, February 6th, 2022

Increased anxiety with age?

I am in my late 40s so likely getting closed to menopause age. I have noticed recently that late in my cycle, my level of anxiety and worry goes insane. Like I spiral, bad. Have any other older women experienced this? I will talk to my doctor for sure, but it brings me down hard. I’m sitting in the car now waiting on my son, and just want to cry, stressing about anything I might have said wrong yesterday, getting upset over stupid stuff, etc., and honestly nothing happened to trigger any of it. It’s not really normal for me and not specific to infidelity, but of course that gets pulled in and I go down a rabbit hole.

My mom passed several years ago, so not sure if she went through something similar, and my sisters are younger. I guess I could ask older women in my husbands family.

I feel like I’m going crazy. Luckily it’s only a couple of days a month, but good freaking lord…….

7 comments posted: Friday, January 14th, 2022

iPhone screen time and battery usage

This may already have a post, but just in case.

I recently discovered the iPhone screen time feature. When turned on, it shows your most used apps and even shows the websites you’ve visited and the time spent on them, for the last day and the last week. As far as I can tell, there’s no way to delete the information (to hide certain websites). Not sure if it will still show if they’re using private browsing. I guess I’ll need to check that out.

Battery usage on the iPhone also shows the apps they’ve spent the most time on.

Just sharing what seems to be a good, free way to check in on what they’re doing on their phone. Wish I had known about this before I busted my WH!

3 comments posted: Saturday, October 26th, 2019

Best way to find an email address?

Any tips on how to best find a current, active email address for somebody? The ones I’ve found seem to be old services that are no longer around. Thanks in advance!

1 comment posted: Monday, July 15th, 2019

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