Newest Member: zurichtime

landclark

Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 with TT through August One child together, 3 stepchildren Together 13.5 years, married 12.5 First EA was 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19.

Had a dream that I was cheating

Had a dream last night that was I was cheating on a very sweet and trusting man. I've had a lot of dreams about my WH cheating, some pretty brutal ones, but this one is more bothersome for some reason. Why is that? It also left me with this feeling of somebody loving me in a way my WH never did.

Monday's suck...........

6 comments posted: Monday, August 23rd, 2021

Shame and embarrassment

Since this latest revelation (continued inappropriate relationship with lots of flirting, attention seeking, and including at least one monetary gift) I’ve started to feel shame and embarrassment. Well mostly embarrassment i guess. This last woman is one we both have known since 2007. She knows of his cheating. Told me previously she had been cheated on and would never do that to anybody (apparently in her mind seeking his attention and letting him flirt was ok though??). I knew her husband (he passed in 2011) and adored him. I raised money for her after he passed.

It’s just embarrassing for it to be so close to home this time. Her and I still work at the same company but luckily I never need to see her. (WH is with a different company now, we all used to work together though) The other women (except the cousin) were people I didn’t know so easier to disconnect, I guess? This woman could actually tell people I work with (though I doubt she would) and she saw me posting pictures of my life while interacting with my WH.

I feel like such a joke. Two years ago I reached out to her to see if anything had ever happened with them. We were friends on Facebook so she saw family photos and such, even liked them. I doubt it really happened, but I picture her laughing or rolling her eyes whenever I posted, thinking “yeah, he really wants me though. Just gave me money yesterday.”

What an absolute mind fuck this one is.

To be clear it’s not that I think she’s better or anything like that. It’s just really embarrassing when it’s closer to home. Somebody I actually know. I didn’t feel embarrassed before, or at least not like this, so this is new for me.

Last day of vacation today and back to reality tomorrow. I plan to consult with a lawyer to see where things may stand and to get an actual plan. Naturally faltering on D though. Sucks when it’s really not what I want but feeling like I’m left with no choice.

Anyway, thanks as always for everybody’s support. So glad I at least have this place.

Oh, and I have a sunburn. Good times.

48 comments posted: Friday, July 30th, 2021

Still cheating. Wtaf?!?

Well, found out tonight that since he got his new job in January, he has been flirting regularly with an ex coworker. A woman I’ve known was trouble since day one. I don’t believe that anything physical has happened, but wtf. I don’t get it. I really don’t get it. Two years of false R. The minute he got some freedom, right back at it. Of course on the eve of our annual vacation with his entire family.

So I guess I’m now getting a divorce. I can’t even feel sad right now. Maybe I’m in shock? I really just don’t get it. Just yesterday he told me he wasn’t cheating, but he emailed her as recently as Tuesday with some stupid nickname he has for her, and said he dreamed about her. Two days before he told me he wasn’t cheating!!!

I really am just in awe that somebody could be so fucking terrible. Like I don’t get it at all. Lying to my face for 14 years.

Ugh. So this will be fun. Need to learn how to use the lawnmower I guess.

48 comments posted: Friday, July 23rd, 2021

Of course he went off to work

So my WH arranged somebody to come paint our stairway today. Somebody neither of us have ever met in person before today, just received a recommendation from somebody. My WH knew I wasn't crazy about the idea of being alone with somebody I've never met, and having somebody here while I am working, and I stupidly said it was fine.

Why did I say it was fine? It's not really fine. I feel like things don't entirely register for me lately because I am so crazy busy at work. But why, why do I say it's fine when it's not fine? Does anybody else do this? I'm so irritated with myself.

I am also annoyed that he just went off to work when the painter got here. A guy who could honestly be any sort of person. But really, it's my own fault. Still, I can't help but feel like he should just know that for safety reasons, it's not ok. I guess if I were single I would have to deal with this stuff on my own anyway (though I would more than likely just paint it myself).

Anyway, no point really. Just annoyed.

4 comments posted: Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

Dealing with relatives who are affair sympathizers

My WH’s sister is a serial cheater. She has cheated in every relationship. I didn’t know this until two summers ago. She is the only person in my husband’s side that knows what he did, and I even talked to her about it. She never outright condemned his actions and has always taken the “whatever makes him happy” route. So not really saying it’s ok to cheat, but saying if cheating makes him happy or even leaving me, that’s ok. Whatever is best for him.

His family is full of people who avoid conflict, and being a cheater herself, I’m sure she can see his side of things and probably even believes I did something wrong.

The thing is though as more time goes on, I want nothing to do with her. Like nothing. Don’t want to talk to her, see her, nothing. I can’t avoid her forever though. She recently moved and my WH wants to visit. I can’t do it. She recently became re-engaged to her first husband (who she cheated on and left), and it makes me grumpy. Makes me wonder if his ex wife was right to accuse them of being more than friends. They jumped back to each other really quickly after his separation.

So how do you deal with somebody that you can’t avoid, but also want nothing to do with?

My WH completely understands my feelings, so that’s good, at least. I told him he is welcome to go visit anytime, and even take our son. But then I feel like if I don’t go, that helps to perpetuate that I’m somehow the awful one.

Ugh. This sucks.

10 comments posted: Sunday, July 4th, 2021

Weddings schemddings

Anybody else hate weddings and see them as a painful reminder of how your partner completely disregarded their vows and crushed your marriage into smithereens? No? Just me?

I swear if he looks at me lovingly today during the vows, or squeezes my hand, I’m going to take him out. Any good lawyers here?

Ok, that’s me today. Carry on.

11 comments posted: Saturday, June 19th, 2021

He actually went to the doctor!

Sorry if this is TMI. Just a quick recap, before DDAY I was very much in a dead bedroom situation caused by him for a long time (I didn't cheat though because it's not an excuse to cheat). He claimed ED for years and never would get help for it. Would say it was embarrassing, etc. In reality (now that I know about the cheating) I think it was a combination of ED, pleasuring himself to porn/cam girls/online sex which desensitized him to the real thing, feeling satisfied enough with that, etc.

Anyway, I asked for years for him to please talk to somebody, and he refused. After DDAY he found a supplement that helped, but that recently stopped working as well. I am admittedly after years of dealing with a dead bedroom very very sensitive to the whole thing which I am sure doesn't help matters. I finally told him that I wasn't going to settle for a dead bedroom again, that he needed to talk to somebody. Well, he finally did today!

I know it may seem like a silly thing but at least it's something. Clearly it doesn't fix anything and there's still enough concerning stuff to still be concerned, but nice that he finally did something about this at least. We will see what happens when the bloodwork comes back.

They say it takes 2-5 years to heal. Does it also take 2-5 years for some waywards to get their heads out of their butts?

12 comments posted: Tuesday, June 1st, 2021

Gift giving and waywards

Does anybody find that their waywards get a little excessive on gift giving, especially since DDAY? Don’t get me wrong, I love presents as much as the next person. I’m pretty easy to buy for because I’m vocal about what I like (not out of expecting something in return, but because I get excited and want to share), and I openly obsess over a few specific things. Always said I don’t collect anything and I finally realized that’s a lie. Lol

WH has always been an ok-ish gift giver. Spent a long time giving me jewelry, even more recently, which I don’t wear and never have. I like to ooh and ahh over it, but don’t have the discipline to wear it, so it sits and collects dust. I always found it frustrating that despite me never wearing it and me sharing that with him repeatedly, he kept/keeps buying it. I almost wonder if he was acting out giving it to his APs (the first one was apparently very into jewelry, clothes, shoes, etc.), kind of like that scene in Love Actually where she finds out the necklace is for the AP and not her, but in my case he couldn’t give it to the AP without risking getting caught. Or it was just lazy gift buying (the mentality that all women like jewelry). It honestly always lead to disappointment not because it wasn’t beautiful, it was feeling unseen or something, like he really just didn’t care to get to know me and my likes at all, and the gift was really about him. Not sure how to explain it.

Anyway, since DDAY he has gone over the top on buying. Especially this last Christmas and Mother’s Day. We set $ limits for these things and he always goes way over, which honestly makes me feel bad because I don’t. (Me feeling bad for him going over the limits is a whole other issue.). Also him repeatedly going over even though I’ve expressed that I don’t like that is another issue.

I feel like there’s something more to his gift giving. Like some combination of people pleasing, wanting ego boosts for being an awesome gift giver, buying helps to assuage his guilt, and probably other stuff I’m not thinking of.

I never really gave it much thought before dday but now after Mother’s Day this year, it has really got me wondering. (We were putting together one of the gifts today and my mind went on crazy tangents) For those that do puzzles, it feels a little like having one piece missing from a section of a puzzle, and looking for it all over the place and not being able to find it. Then when you walk away for a bit and come back with fresh eyes, it’s suddenly right in front of your face.

Ok, I know I’m being random. I’m not day drinking, truly!

I am truly grateful for the gifts. He honestly rocked the Mother’s Day gifts. I loved everything. There’s always just this little bit of uncomfortable feeling there like questioning his motive, or why he ignores limits, etc. I also don’t like being the center of attention in any way, so I’m sure that’s not helping either (more gifts means being in the spotlight longer).

Has anybody else had this experience? Any waywards try to compensate through material things? Any thoughts at all? Feel free to join me in my randomness.

3 comments posted: Saturday, May 22nd, 2021

Two year anniversary of dday

Well, today is the 2 year anniversary of DDAY. Seems so crazy that so much time has passed, but yet it also seems like yesterday in a lot of ways. Luckily the crying, extreme pain, not functioning well, feeling like I'd be better off dead than dealing with it, etc., is mostly a thing of the past. I actually don't remember the last time I cried. I'm not past it by any means and still struggle often, but it's not at all like that first 6 months. I'm mostly a fully functioning adult again. Definitely stronger than I was before, but still have work to do.

So for those fresh from DDAY, time truly does help in some cases (assuming the cheating stops, no additional DDAYs, etc., of course). It doesn't mean you'll be healed at 2 years out, I am certainly not, but there's hope for at least feeling a little better.

If I could give any advice it would be find a good IC, and hold on to them! I didn't and regret it now. The one I had was simply amazing. She validated my feelings, helped me navigate those early days, never made excuses for him, etc. Hoping to reconnect with her as I'm realizing that I again need that support (it only took a bunch of posts and people telling me that for it to sink in, ha ha). I know IC is not an option for everybody due to finances, but if you can make it work, it really is helpful if you get a good counselor.

My WH did acknowledge DDAY today, which is new (I did however remind him the other day what was coming). He said he was sorry and upset about what he did to me and us, and he's grateful for the chance to see if we can work again. I probably would have asked me how I was doing today or what I needed, but that's me and my expectations. I haven't said anything to him about it because I know it would just lead to disappointment for me, I just told him I appreciated him acknowledging it (he didn't last year), which I do. I have a bad habit of giving him the answers to the test, and don't want to do that anymore.

That's my two year update. Hope everybody has a great day!

[This message edited by landclark at 10:15 AM, May 19th (Wednesday)]

4 comments posted: Wednesday, May 19th, 2021

“I take it you don’t like that approach,”

Last night was rough with a lot of affair related dreams. We are on vacation right now and our son is in the same room so we have to be careful about talking about affair related stuff. So I texted him:

“I had all kinds of bad dreams about you cheating.”

His response.

“Aw. :( I’m sorry. I don’t remember any dreams.”

So he basically immediately brushed it off.

I followed up with “I’m very upset.” to which he asked if there was anything he can do. I said “No. I’m tired of your poor choices haunting me. I still don’t get why you felt it was ok to do what you did.”

He then read it and immediately went back to browsing his phone. When I called him out he said he was thinking of what to say by browsing his phone. He doesn’t only focus on one thing when he’s thinking. “I take it you don’t like that approach.” A statement, not a question.

Of course things escalated from there.

Not really sure what I’m looking for here. Am I the asshole? He brushed off my feelings not once but twice. At least that’s how I’m reading it. I don’t actually think he’s remorseful at all. I think he regrets getting caught and regrets now having to deal with consequences, but not remorseful. This to me doesn’t scream remorse at all. Am I wrong?

69 comments posted: Sunday, May 16th, 2021

Crawling out of my own skin, and ran into the OW

Went out shopping today to pick up some things for an upcoming vacation, and ran into one of the APs at Target. So yeah, that was fun. She has never seen me in person so doubt the she made the connection. I was enjoying being out and about and that just completely killed it. I know a lot of people say this, but guys, she’s not even pretty. I don’t get it at all. She’s got the body but the face? Nah. It’s mind boggling what people will settle for just to get some ego boosts. Mind boggling what people will risk a marriage for. I’ve calmed down since it happened, but still annoyed.

Also, not sure if it’s stress or what, but lately I feel like I’m in the wrong life or something. I was listening to the song Numb earlier from Linkin Park. It use to make me think of my mother (lots of issues there for a long time, but she passed away in 2018). It hit me tonight that it’s now me I’m feeling at odds with.

From the song:

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface

Don't know what you're expecting of me

Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

I’m never not me, but I’m never the full me either. I’m some sort of stifled version of me. I feel like I have this inner voice going “what are you doing with your life?”, and I’m failing that inner voice. She’s a lot to live up to.

Has anybody else gone through this?

7 comments posted: Saturday, May 8th, 2021

Dashing my own hope?

I know I’ve been posting a lot lately, so forgive me. Just wondering if anybody else goes through this.

I’m almost two years out from DDAY and overall, things have been ok. I find myself having a more positive outlook on our future. Still not 100% there, far from it, but it’s not as doom and gloom as before. However, I struggle to commit to R. More specifically, whenever I have a moment where I am vulnerable with him, or share my feelings on our future or share my feelings for him, it’s like I immediately go into panic mode. It’s not that I don’t feel or mean it in the moment it’s said, I do, but then it immediately freaks me out and I want to take it all back.

Not sure if that makes sense. Just wondering if anybody else has these feelings and how you deal with it.

He says he completely understands and thinks it’s probably normal, so he is supportive of me instead of being annoyed. That has been nice.

5 comments posted: Thursday, May 6th, 2021

Was he acting with me or with her?

One of the things I continue to have trouble reconciling is how very different he was with his first AP versus how he is with me. The way he talked, the things that were said, the taking chances, etc. It leaves me wondering who he really is. Is he really this person I’m married to and that was the act, or is he really that person and this is the act? He of course says that was all the act. Acting out a fantasy, but it was a four year act.

Does anybody else struggle with this? How did/do you get past it?

23 comments posted: Sunday, May 2nd, 2021

We will only just remember how it feels

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Went to get some light shopping this morning which of course gives my mind time to wander (not always a good thing). It wandered over to a conversation I had at work yesterday, and then this quote from Maya Angelou. I was talking to a coworker, remembering a time I worked with a customer in Hawaii (not my normal territory, I was covering for somebody I believe). I honestly can't remember the details at all of why I was working with this customer, but I remember so well just how very nice they were to work with. So kind, and appreciative of the support. That stays with me today, several years later.

Then I started thinking about that related to infidelity, and some of the posts lately about whether or not relationships can be better after. For me, this quote is really where the rub is. Sure as time goes on, I may forget some details or they become less important, I may forget some of the things that were said, however I don't think I will ever forget how he made me feel by his actions (and I think that's also an important distinction - HIS actions, not a blanket infidelity did this, but HE did this). Those feelings are not something I can forget, and I think it will always have its impact on me, and always have its impact on R (if that's the path we continue down).

Anybody else feel this way, whether you decided to R or not?

6 comments posted: Saturday, May 1st, 2021

I just can't..........advice needed

I am admittedly overtired today, and work has been stressful, and blah de blah blah, so fair warning that this is a rant, and has some foul language. I'm just really pissed right now.

I don't remember how much of this that I shared, but the way I ultimately caught my WH was via texts that he was having with a distant cousin, somebody he was close with growing up. They were super flirty at times, and completely being hidden from me. It was totally an EA (all day texts, calls into the wee hours of the morning when away from home, or when I was away, etc., etc., all hidden from me). Nothing like sexting, but definitely suggestive at times. Either way, there was definitely a window opened to her, and a door shut in my face, and whether he will admit it or not, there was something there. This ultimately caused me to keep digging, and I found ten years worth of his cheating and lies.

This EA included bashing me, and things like no longer calling me by my first name, but her calling me "the wife" (which may seem petty, but honestly still pisses me off). I had met this woman several times, was never ever anything but nice to her, she has stayed in my home, has met my son, we sat together at a funeral, etc. I NEVER had a problem with my WH talking to her at all. Then they decided to take the whole thing underground, unbeknowest to me, and then I was the bad guy, I am sure because they knew it was inapprioriate.

Anyway, she was cut off pretty immediately, I ended up telling her exactly what he had been doing (years of cheating), and she of course was on my side, oh he's childish and needs to grow up, blah blah. I did talk to her once on the phone to confirm her version of the events (basically that it was never physical), and then texted with her a couple of times. I never tore into her or anything like that after initially being pissed, even though I think she is very far from innocent here. Probably my mistake for keeping that window open.

Anyway, at Christmas she sent us a card from her and what I thought was ex husband, but she is apparently back with him (conveniently when she was talking to my WH she found the nerve to divorce hers, and then after my WH exited the picture, she apparently ended up back with her ex....ummmmm.....). So that pissed me off, but we didn't respond in any way. My WH has social media connnections with her brother and her son, but not her, and I did not ask him to cut them off.

Anyway, last contact with her (with me) was May of last year. Now today she sends me a text to check in, and ask if it's ok if she texts my WH. She did say if I didn't want her to do that she would understand, but that she misses him and has been thinking about it for months.

I really want to respond back and say "Are you F'ING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW???? You had an emotional affair with my husband!!! So yeah, no!"

Just added information, there's very little chance of seeing her again. She is on the other side of the country, so not like she's at family parties or anything. So no real reason to make peace here.

Just need a gut check here. Am I wrong to say "Go away, bitch??" Should I say do what you want, and see what my WH does? I'm totally seeing RED right now, but then also feel like I didn't do a good enough job with the "stay away from my family" thing either.

What say you, SI? Help this overtired crazy lady out. lol

40 comments posted: Monday, April 26th, 2021

Inside Out (the Pixar movie)

How many have seen this movie? It occurred to me tonight that in the movie, in Rylie’s head, it shows a single train of thought. Not sure about others, but at any given time I have about ten trains running through my head. My WH sometimes takes that as disinterest in what he’s doing (especially when he’s trying to initiate intimacy), but it’s really not that at all. I just need a few minutes to try and stop some of the trains and focus on the one.

Remember when they showed all the emotions in the moms head and they were so courteous, letting each other speak? My head doesn’t work that way at all. They’re all talking over each other like interrupting cows.

Am I alone here? Lol. I had to explain this to my WH tonight because he takes it personally when it’s really not.

20 comments posted: Saturday, April 24th, 2021

Forgot his phone?

After DDAY, we both agreed to location tracking on our phones. Sure, there are ways around this, but it was a condition to even contemplate R, and he agreed. He also agreed to keep me updated when leaving the office. He was still working away from home at the time, in the job where he cheated the whole time including with at least one coworker, so it was non-negotiable.

Anyway, after awhile I really stopped looking at it, and then when the pandemic hit and he was working from home full time, it didn't really matter anymore anyway. When he started working away from home again in January, it came back around, but after a few weeks, it dropped off again. He had always been good about telling me when he left the office, and if I cared to look, the tracking backed up his story.

Yesterday he comes home with some stuff from the hardware store. It occured to me briefly that he never told me he was leaving the office that day like he normally would, but I quickly moved on because I was still busy with work.

This morning the thought came back, so I checked tracking. It showed he was at the office all day yesterday. Never left. Ummm. So I asked him about, and he said he forgot his phone, it was plugged in at the office. Ok, he never does that. Well, he's not attached to his phone like he was before. Ok, well he usually tells me when he's leaving. It didn't seem like I wanted to talk yesterday. lol. Ok.

For the record, I 95% believe he didn't do anything wrong, but as my son would say, it's very sus (suspicious).

I did remind him that him hiding his whereabouts from me is not something that I am willing to accept. My initial thought was if he ever flipping did it again, I was done, but I controlled myself. lol I know we talk about boundaries vs. rules a lot, and I will say that it's nice to turn it around a bit and talk about what I'm willing or not willing to accept, vs. what he should or shouldn't be doing. It's empowering. He can figure out what he wants to do from there.

So maybe a little growth today? I don't know. Still a bit annoyed about the whole thing though. lol

And how is it only Wednesday?!? Longest week ever..........

28 comments posted: Wednesday, April 14th, 2021

Hope

I haven't started my own post in a few months. I had to take a little break from SI for my mental health. I was spending too much time here getting triggered and fighting with people, and was feeling stuck in my recovery. If anybody else is feeling the same, I would recommend also talking a break. It really helped a lot.

Anyway, my WH shared with me this week (after a rough patch thanks to a particularly horrifying dream) that when things are going well between us, he gets his hopes up that we'll make it through this. It kind of caught me by surprise. I hardly ever see hope talked about from the wayward side, and it didn't occur to me that he was feeling that way. I feel like I have been very clear that we may not make it past this, and it's a day by day thing for me still (yes, still, at almost two years out), but he still gets his hopes up. Granted, the cynical part of me wonders if it's just hope that he got away with it all, but the way it came up I don't think that's what he is thinking. It made me feel a little bad, to be honest. Stupid empathy.

It also made me realize that I am not longer in the hope phase. I no longer think "I hope he changes and that we can be a couple till death do us part". I now think "He better change and stay that way, or I'm done." It's kind of empowering to really realize that I know my worth and know my boundaries, and have no issue walking if he can't be the person that I deserve.

I'm definitely in a much better place overall, but still struggle from time to time. People weren't kidding when they say 2-5 years for recovery. He hasn't had a slip in sometime, at least as far as I know, so that definitely helps.

Anyway, no other point really other than him expressing hope caught me off guard. Being vulnerable also surprised me. I guess that's a win considering him shying away from tough conversations had always been an issue.

Hope everybody has an amazing Saturday. 60 and sunny here in New England! Spring is in the air......

4 comments posted: Saturday, April 10th, 2021

iPhone screen time and battery usage

This may already have a post, but just in case.

I recently discovered the iPhone screen time feature. When turned on, it shows your most used apps and even shows the websites you’ve visited and the time spent on them, for the last day and the last week. As far as I can tell, there’s no way to delete the information (to hide certain websites). Not sure if it will still show if they’re using private browsing. I guess I’ll need to check that out.

Battery usage on the iPhone also shows the apps they’ve spent the most time on.

Just sharing what seems to be a good, free way to check in on what they’re doing on their phone. Wish I had known about this before I busted my WH!

3 comments posted: Saturday, October 26th, 2019

Best way to find an email address?

Any tips on how to best find a current, active email address for somebody? The ones I’ve found seem to be old services that are no longer around. Thanks in advance!

1 comment posted: Monday, July 15th, 2019

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