Newest Member: Goku06


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

Is it ever right to keep “family stuff” away from family?

So, as you all may have noticed, 😏 …I tend to be an over sharer.

I share everything. Especially to family or close friends who are involved with the situation or the person involved. But, obviously, also to perfect strangers online!(Although I beg to differ that you all are strangers to me.)

This has been a bit of a week. My middle son who has some emotional health issues has been having an ongoing rift with a close friend. She is mentally ill, and feeds into his issues. My observations.

My oldest son said something at some point that I don’t know about, and she began to tell my other son that they were both racists, and that I was the one who raised them to be racist. I asked him if she knew his brother is biracial. Yes she did. But, she held true to the fact that I have raised my two "white sons" to be racist. She has spread this all over social media and has blocked my son from communicating with her. She has threatened to vandalize our home.

This all happened about two months ago, and he said that he was done being her friend. I found out recently that their friendship was "over" mostly because he didn’t like anybody "talking smack about his mama". I was very sorry that he was upset about the end of their friendship, but I was happily surprised that he wanted to speak up for me. He has never really "liked" me much. Thinks I am wanting to make him be the kind of person I want him to be, i.e., sober. That’s the history. A tiny example of it.

Now for the present. Strike one…Yesterday my older son came to me and said that his very dear friend has been in the hospital for one month in a nearby town and he didn’t even know it. That he was in very critical condition. Would I take him to visit him. So off we go. I called my other son to let him know what’s happening and he says that this friend is one of his best friends in the world and he wants to go too. So we went to the hospital. I left them there with one vehicle when I drove home.

When the guys came home after visiting their friend, my son was almost hysterical. Talking about how this was one of the best friends he’s ever had, and this was so terrible and he just didn’t know what he was going to do. My older son has told me since then that his brother has hung out with he and his friend on four or five occasions, but that they weren’t close friends at all. I believe that my son has an issue with exaggeration/drama. Sometimes it feels like he doesn’t think he is "enough" so everything has to be exaggerated to make it sound like a much bigger deal.

Strike two…That night I went to bed early and got up at about 2 AM to watch the queen’s funeral. I noticed headlights coming in through the blinds meaning there is a car in my driveway… At 3 AM. So I go out there to see what’s happening. Someone is letting off my son, and he is obviously intoxicated. I ask about it, because he has been driving my car to work since his truck has been on the fritz. He denies having been drinking. He comes in and gets into it with me. Tells me that I pissed him off because he can come and go whenever he wants to and he doesn’t have to tell me. I hadn’t even asked about that. I just wanted to know about the drinking so I would know whether or not to give him my keys in 4 1/2 hours to drive to work.

After a conversation, he tells me that he’s sick to death of me and that I make him want to kill himself. That I want him to be something that I want him to be, (sober…so, guilty) and that he knows that I just want to sit and watch Jason (the friend who is ill) die????? I asked him to repeat it, and he said the same thing. That I just wanted to sit and watch him die. I said I was done talking.

He was gone all day today, and finally called me in the afternoon and said that he had talked himself out of committing suicide this morning, but was going to check himself into a psychiatric hospital. He said that I had driven him to all of this, and named all the reasons why he resents me.

My oldest son is also upset with him, because he has pretty much had it with all of the drama. I tried to tell him that we don’t need to be upset with him, because it has to do with emotional issues. That we should be concerned about him. He didn’t agree.

Strike three is when my son from prison calls. In the course of the conversation he asked me how everybody’s doing. I really don’t lie to the boys, so I told him that Jason was very ill, and that his brothers were upset, especially the one brother. But that was as much as I told him.

So, 1000 words later, my question is this… Do I withhold the information about his brother being at a psychiatric hospital from my son who is incarcerated? I don’t want to add to his stress, but I don’t want to keep information about his brother from him.

Any ideas of how the hell to handle this in the least hurtful way possible for each of them?

Sometimes I feel like there is a kink in something in my life… That something is twisted in the universe and I need to get it straightened out. Do other regular people in the world have shit like this going on all the time, one after another, and I just don’t notice? Shame on me if that is the case. If that is not the case, what have I done to get things out of balance so badly?

I was getting so used to the ease and peacefulness of my husband doing better healthwise, and therefore less drama in our lives.

19 comments posted: Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

They came and got my son today

Until this morning, my son was in our local county jail. There were some relatively small charges. He has been there almost a year.

But he was indicted in May on a federal offense, and has been waiting since then to be picked up.

I just got a text from his lady that he had been picked up.

He is actually anxious to get started with whatever time he will be in prison.

Hard to type that.

He believes that when he is finished with federal time, the local charges will be rolled into it, and he will be done. Whereas time he has been in county jail does not count toward federal time.

I can’t believe I’m in a situation to even know that fact.

I don’t know where he’s going now. If he will be taken to the state capital, or transported to another state where he will be held until he goes to court. And then after he is sentenced, he will be sent… it is my understanding… to one of three federal prisons. I haven’t seen him in almost a year.

I have read that they try to give prisoners a prison location as close as possible to their family, because family visits keeps prisoners more manageable.

I can only hope and pray it will be close enough for us to visit him as often as possible.

18 comments posted: Friday, September 9th, 2022

Nursing question – I need help quickly please

Sorry, double topics!

No idea how that happened!

1 comment posted: Wednesday, July 27th, 2022

Nursing question… I need quick help!

As you may know from my other thread, I am presently infusing antibiotics into my husband‘s PICC line.

I do it three times a day, at 7 AM, 3 PM, and 11 PM.

Today I have a doctors appointment at 3 PM. Exactly the same time as I am supposed to give him his anabiotics. My PCP is retiring, and this is the last opportunity I will have to see him. He is booked up until his retirement and I just can’t afford to miss the appointment, unless absolutely necessary.

I called the home health nurse and ask her if I could start the anabiotic treatment right at 3 PM (dr is 1 mile away) and disconnect as soon as I got home, no later than 415. That could possibly leave the anabiotic line hooked up to the PICC line about 15 minutes after it is empty.

She said that she would prefer me to give it to him one hour early, or one hour late. She said there was a one hour cushion on either side of the timing, and that leaving the anabiotic tubing hooked into the PICC line longer than necessary was not recommended.

Do you all agree? I want to do what is best for H, obviously.

10 comments posted: Wednesday, July 27th, 2022

Did you ever have one of those days? I mean good ones!

I post a lot when I’m sad / frustrated / angry / devastated / etc.

But…today was a good day…bordering on a great day. And not because of anything earth shattering, just a sequence of what felt like small victories.

My H is feeling pretty good, considering his recent hospital stay.

I decided to do NOTHING today. No returned calls, no housecleaning, nothing proactive. Didn’t get H up…thought he (and I) should just rest today.

Had a couple of no stress conversations with H about his expectations and wishes from here on out. I accepted whatever he said with no back and forth.

My son called to vent to me a situation with repairing his truck. I listened quietly and gave no advice initially, and resisted the urge to "mother" him. When he was ready for my input, I suggested he take a little while to be totally bummed that it wasn’t going to turn out as he was planning, then when he was ready, we could brainstorm.

I also supported a couple of options he came up with. Usually he gets bonkers with self pity and exaggerated doom, but today, in reference to my saying that he may have to "travel from GA to LA to get to FLA, but he would get there". And…I can’t even believe I’m typing this, he told me that reminded him of his favorite Bible verse… and proceeded to quote it for me. It was one I was not even familiar with myself. But he knew it Word for Word, and knew what it meant.

First, I want to say that I’m not trying to make a religious point here. Just telling the story to illustrate how he had added to my great day, because that was so important to me personally. Especially since he has not been particularly focused on things of a spiritual nature recently.

On the way home from work, (I’m taking both of them to work because both of their trucks happen to be out of commission at the same time!), my other son told me of a hitch in his plans with his truck as well, but he had already figured out an alternate plan. Awesome, because this son mostly uses anger in situations like this.

Came home and saw my grand baby whom I had not seen in a couple of weeks. A total angel who always makes me super happy.

Then I found out, through looking at pictures online, that my new five-month-old puppy is probably NOT a beagle/basset hound mix, but probably more likely to be a beagle/Texas coon hound mix. who get to be between 65 and 80 pounds at maturity. Yikes! But I adore her, however HUGE she will be! She makes me smile!!!

Then I had a conversation with my H regarding his hopes / plans. What he wants to look forward doing at this point in his life. There are no races to win, no more businesses to start, etc. He and I came up with family stuff, attention to his health, church attendance, etc. I said, "Great, we’ll start tomorrow ", and left it at that.

And I’m not sure whether or not I shared with you all about my son who is incarcerated. When my husband was in ICU, and they were having trouble keeping his blood pressure in a life-sustaining range, I got on the telephone and spoke with some of the jail officials regarding a "deathbed visitation". Thank God we didn’t have to use it at this time. Later on, I spoke gently with my son about the fact that I had checked into such a thing. I was so scared to breach the subject because he is my most vulnerable son regarding bad news, hurtful news. But he answered with a quiet strength. He told me that he understood the situation and that he was praying for his dad every single day. And that I needed to stay strong.

And now, as I was writing this post, one of my sons called me to the front porch to discuss how totally freaked out he was about seeing his dad incoherent on the night that we took him to the hospital. And about how he doesn’t know how he will be able to deal with the pain when he loses his dad. That is certainly a very sad situation for him to be in, but the fact that he came to me to talk to me, and that we could have a 15 to 20 minute conversation about it, was quite amazing.

I don’t know if these things would seem like milestones to some of you, but it seems as though over the last two or three days, I have had amazingly positive interactions with every member of my immediate family.

And I am just so very thankful for it.😊

7 comments posted: Monday, July 11th, 2022

Trying to figure this out

So…I’m having a tough time figuring out how best to help my H at this time.

It is maddening to try to communicate with him most of the time, just in a normal situation. He’s just really wishy-washy with answers like he’s wanting to say the "right thing". I’m guessing that is due in part to his conflict avoidance and also my "irritation at him since "that" day. Honestly, it’s irritating.

But now that his health is a bigger issue, and although I don’t necessarily agree with him, I have promised to support his decisions about his life from here on out.

Right now I am bumfuzzled about his eating and getting out of bed. The last time he was out of the bed for any length of time was June 10 at my great niece’s wedding. He can get up, but lately he gets a little lightheaded and tired pretty quickly.

And now he just doesn’t want to eat much. Today, not at all. I have promise not to push, but honestly I feel as though I should be bringing him meals. But recently I have just ask him to let me know when he wants something to eat and I will bring it to him. And he never asks for anything.

Because he is a non-communicator by choice, I never know if he just agrees with me to avoid the conversation, or doesn’t care.

About once a week I have a sit down conversation with him about what exactly I need to do… Do I need to just not feed him and never push him to get out of the bed? He says no, that I should encourage him to get up and to eat. But he just doesn’t want to.

So it seems that my choices are to encourage him, which may be irritating him, to get up and eat. Or I could just leave him alone and he would do nothing but lay in the bed and get weaker and weaker. My gut tells me that is what he wants, but I’m not confident enough in that belief to take a chance that my backing off could facilitate something that he can’t come back from.

This is definitely uncharted territory. I have experienced it before with my mom when she was at the end of her life. But she was 92 and so the decisions weren’t as impactful for her. If I got it wrong with her, it wouldn’t cost her bed a few short weeks of her life, which she would have preferred, whereas my H could possibly have some good living left if he wants it. I just don’t feel confident in my ability to "read" him anymore.

Any insights?

267 comments posted: Monday, June 27th, 2022

The art (and luck!) of finding a helpful therapist

A response in another thread has gotten me thinking about this issue.

There are two major things (and many smaller ones) that are shared on this site that I am madly envious of. One is when a spouse is truly remorseful, and works independently and cooperatively to resolve issues surrounding their transgressions.

The other is when people talk about how wonderful their therapist is…how they are so helpful, etc

I would love to pick the minds of all of you who have been able to find some answers and/or comfort in IC or MC.

First of all, I guess I wonder if it is skill or just sometimes luck that people are able to find a good match in a therapist when they are in such a state of upheaval about what is happening in their lives. That seems savant or something, to me.

Also, I am wondering about the "connection" aspect of choosing a therapist. I always feel more comfortable with, and more receptive to input from a person with whom I "connect". Is that the way it usually works? Or is it more so just the knowledge/wisdom they impart?

Edited to add: Back when I had the resources for therapy, I was never able to find a fit. And my H and I saw a couple of “famous”, well respected therapists.

22 comments posted: Wednesday, June 22nd, 2022

Do you ever feel like you’re living someone else’s life?

I’m not sure if that title is exactly how I wanted to express what I’m feeling, but it’s the best I can come up with.

In a nutshell, as I see the world, I am basically a conservative type person, was raised a certain way, education was second only to faith and family and being brought up "right". Respectful. Dependable. Responsible. Loyal. A "lady". A "good person".

Being in trouble with the law would fall under the category of "not in the realm of possibility". Promiscuity was not even an option.

So I get how my upbringing sets me up for this.

For some time now, years and years, I have felt as though I am living someone else’s life. That somewhere in the world there must be a radical, mover and shaker, motorcycle riding, covered in tattoos, kind of person, who is living in a cute house with a white picket fence, president of the PTA, with 2.5 kids, and a husband who loves her.

And she is going fricken crazy, too!

It seems to me that my kids have suffered all kinds of trials and tribulations based probably (hopefully) mostly on there conditions at birth due to their birth mothers addictions. Almost exclusively, there "female interests" have been girls/women in abusive situations, addicts, teen mothers without significant others, etc. (It is not my intention WHATSOEVER to demean any of these girls or their situations, I’m just saying it’s different from my experience being raised.)

Last night one of my sons told me that he is "talking to" a girl for a couple of months now who has shared with him that she was raped by her father, has a child by him, and has to do whatever he says because he threatens to take the child away. He told me this at about 1:30 in the morning, and I’ve been thinking about it ever sense.

Last night I told him that was a very serious and horrible situation, that the father would be unable to take her child without any proof that the child belongs to him, and he is refusing to give DNA,
probably to avoid prosecution.And I told him that maybe we could talk about it a little later since it was so late and he had to go to work this morning. And he agreed.

This morning my sister-in-law called about another thing, and so I took the opportunity to explain to her my husband/her brothers situation regarding his health and the potentially life-threatening situation he is in.

My son was INFURIATED. He interrupted the conversation three times to point out a fire, to turn his music up on his phone, and to ask me some silly question. I told him I would speak to him as soon as I was through talking with her.

Now he is angry with me because:

1. I talk on the phone sometimes when I take him to work

2. I should talk on the phone to other people only when I am not with him.

He’s been expressing these things for the last week or so as I speak with a friend on the phone when she is driving to work and driving home from work because the times coincide because she is in a two hour different time zone.

Anyway, this morning I told him that it was rude to interrupt me while I was talking on the phone. He said I should’ve not been talking on the phone when I was driving him to work. I explained that I had not yet found the time to call his dad’s sister and explain her brother/my husbands updated health situation just to keep her informed.

I told him that his behavior was no different than a three-year-old in the backseat trying to get mommy‘s attention when she’s talking to daddy, or something of that nature.

And have I mentioned that 90% of the time that I take him to and from work, 30 minutes each way, he is mute. Just plays on his phone.

I normally don’t say anything, but today I sort of let him see my frustration with the situation.

I do need to say that I think he was expecting us to speak about the situation with his lady friend while on the way to work, although that had not been officially set up.

So today, I’m sitting here wondering where in the world is that woman who has my house and 2.5 "normal" children, and is she ready to change places with me yet?

By the way, full disclosure, I do have four tattoos… So I guess I’m gravitating to the "other side". I still have not however ever ridden a motorcycle and never will! It scares me so!

So, just ignore me… I’m venting here I guess. And making a bit of a funny as well.

Y’all have a great day!

15 comments posted: Tuesday, June 21st, 2022

Life, love, betrayal, forgiveness, … ?

I can’t sleep tonight.

Today I spoke with each of my sons. I explained to them to the best of my ability how, although their dad isn’t "sick" right now, with his next UTI he could get very sick, and it could be the start of a downhill path that will more than likely cost him his life.

(I wasn’t that blunt. I included a lot of what we are going to do to be as preventative as possible, and that this doesn’t mean that he will die any time soon, but that he is vulnerable, and that so many things are unknown, and that I just wanted them to know where things stand with their dad, and that we will be there for each other no matter what.)

Oh, and did I mention that my one son who is quite emotional and really takes things to heart - and is already scared about his dad’s condition…he is incarcerated at the time, and I had to communicate all of this to him in a fu@ki#g text? I’m pretty certain that he’s not sleeping tonight either.

So I’m sitting here wondering how much longer I will be married. How much longer will I have a living husband?

And the finite nature of the answer to that question has brought me to the concept of "forgiveness", and how I have never done that. I have told myself through the years since his infidelity that I forgave him for being unfaithful, but I continue to hold over his head the fact that I don’t feel I know the whole story, and that he has not been bending over backwards like some WS, and how I have ultimately wasted the last 16 years of the life we had left together. I have accused him, I’ve hated him, I’ve demeaned him, and I have thought of myself first throughout the last 6 to 8 years that he has been so injured and unwell.

Oh, I’m not letting him off the hook - he hasn’t done his part either. But with all humility, I think I am more capable of working things out than he is. And if I’m right, with that comes responsibility.

Oh, he is definitely to blame for SOOOOO MUCH. But recently I have been remembering what someone here said to me in a PM…that perhaps he is unABLE to be what I need after his infidelity. And I should decide if I want a life with him any more, and if I do, I should try to find a way to move past it.

I’m sure that this latest information regarding the outlook of my husband‘s health is screwing with my mind. But I remember that my friend told me what she did after a health scare with her husband. But I was so set on HIM groveling, and HIM bending over backwards forever to make it right.

But right now, I’m feeling that I wish I could live these last 15 years or so over again. That maybe I needed to realize that he might be unable to give me what I was demanding from him to heal. And that at some point I needed to understand that it’s not about keeping score as much as it is about each person doing their very best - and then deciding if it is enough. Then making decisions accordingly.

I know that on this site there is understandably a huge amount of emphasis placed on how we are owed the things we need for healing from them. And I have held out for that for 16 years. The dream of him "finally getting it" as some lucky BSs have described their Hs. But it is clear to me now that that will not be forthcoming from my H. And as crippling as that thought feels, I have to also understand that it’s highly probable that he just is not capable some of the things that I needed.

And now this most recent reality about his health. What I would give for those years back. Whatever comes next is going to be "too little, too late".

I totally "get" the concept of holding your own, and demanding what you need, and expecting/requiring that the WSs do any and all things that you need them to do. I am finding that, for me at least, there is no way to make it right. And we must weigh what we want with what we "demand".

I can have what I thought was "pride" that I have held my ground and that I have not let what happened slip through the cracks, that I expect him to step up and do what I need to heal. But the truth is, he can’t now, and I’m not sure I believe he ever actually could. And in the meantime, our time is totally limited.

From time to time it has been expressed to me on this site that I am incredibly codependent, and that I give too much, etc. And I believe that those comments have been meant to be supportive of me. But looking back from my viewpoint with my current reality, I don’t see it.

I know I am speaking out of sadness and fear, but be sure that you think things all the way to the end… and try your best to make decisions accordingly.

As we all know…THIS SHIT IS HARD!

3 comments posted: Monday, June 13th, 2022

Does anyone know how “painpaingoaway” is doing?

She and I "clicked" when I first came here and then during a time when I didn’t post as much, I’m assuming she chose to withdraw from the site.

I’ve asked before, and some nice person told me that she was doing well.

I’m not trying to intrude on her privacy, but I sure would love to hear about her again…that she is OK.

4 comments posted: Friday, June 10th, 2022

Damned if we do… Damned if we don’t

You may have read my post about my husband‘s recent hospital stay due to a serious UTI causing sepsis. Yesterday we had a follow up visit with his urologist. We came away feeling like we had been hit in the face with a 2 x 4.

Basically, he said that we are in a "no good solution" phase with my husband‘s health. Having had a spinal cord injury for close to 50 years now, he has experience… lots of experience…with urinary tract infections.

What this doctor is telling us now is that in the future, if my husband gets a urinary tract infection, we have a decision to make…

1) Take a sample to the doctor and get a culture done to identify the bacteria and treat with antibiotics, or

2) Do not treat.

If we choose number one and treat the infection with anabiotic‘s, we are setting up a situation where the bacteria will become resistant to the antibiotics, the more he takes. And he will eventually have a urinary tract infection that no anabiotic will treat, which will almost certainly cause his death.

If we choose number two and do not treat the infection… If we are unable to manage it and get rid of it without antibiotics, that very infection could also cost him his life.

We have been aware of these medical realities for sometime, but it seems as though we are getting closer and closer to one of these inevitabilities.

I guess the reason that it is really a bit of a smack in the face at this point, is that although the doctor did not say it in so many words, he kept apologizing. He kept saying that there are two choices that we can make, and that the outcome is the same whatever we choose. I got the impression that he was very concerned about the type and the amount of anabiotic that my husband was given in this last hospital stay. He seemed to think that this could be a fatal situation for my husband sooner than later.

I guess what I’m looking for is anyone who might have some information / suggestions about alternatives.

My husband and I have spent quite a lot of time with homeopathy/natural alternatives to different health issues. But after our children were mostly grown, and with less financial resources, we have mostly used modern medicine.

I give him probiotics, cranberry pills and vitamin C every day. I take amazingly special care in being as clean as possible without a surgical room when I use a catheter to empty his bladder.

I guess I’m looking for any type of thing… any advice that anyone might have regarding other things that we could do.

I have tried to google a specialist in treatment of patients who are many years post spinal cord injury, but I almost always end up with references to doctors who treat spinal cord injuries in the hospital immediately after the injury, or recently injured people. I can’t even figure out who to go see; a urologist, a physiatrist, or who?

I guess I am resistant to accepting this notion. As you probably can tell by my situation with my husband pertaining to what we have been through in our marriage, I really can’t believe that there is "nothing else that can be done". I have had instances in my life where that perspective did not serve me, and other situations where it has served me very well…the not giving up thing.

The urologist told us that he very much prefers to go the "no antibiotics" route. He says that we can take cultures to him to be tested, but that he really doesn’t want to test them because he "doesn’t want to know". I’m wasn’t sure what that meant, but a friend who is a nurse said that it basically means that since there is no real way to resolve the issue and the impact on his life…no matter which route we go… knowing what the bacteria is wouldn’t change anything.

My husband told me yesterday when we got home from the urologist appointment, that he wants to take the antibiotic route. I asked him if he understood that the next round of anabiotic’s that he takes could possibly cost him his life. He answered "Yes". After a 1 to 2 hour conversation, he held his stance. He was not emotional about it, and didn’t seem to be in denial about the situation. I even asked him, even if our son was not able to get out of jail, and therefore never able to see his dad again, would he still choose using antibiotics and risking resistance to the point of a costing him his life. "Yes". When I asked why he had arrived at that decision, without pause, he responded, "Quality of life." And in truth, either route we take could have the same result.

There is no doubt that whatever he decides while being clear minded, which he is at this time, I will totally implement if he’s unable to, whether or not I agree. I’m pretty sure he trusts that fact.

But in my mind I’m going back to the homeopathic doctor and to anything I can find that might help with the smaller urinary tract infections. The ones that would not take such dramatic antibiotics.

I’m just looking for something more. And this is such an invaluable site with people having so many experiences, I thought maybe I could find some help.

Respectfully I am requesting that my situation resulting in me being on this site, and comments I have made regarding troubles between my H and I, or things I have come here complaining about, not be discussed on this particular topic. This is simply a wife hoping for some kind of insight into something that I haven’t thought about yet, that could give us an upper hand in this horrible situation.

I request that it be truly "off topic".

Thanks so much.

29 comments posted: Thursday, June 9th, 2022

Medical Peeps...questions re sepsis

My H is in the hospital with sepsis.

Yes, I have broken the "common sense" rule and read online. It’s scary. He is not in ICU or anything, and they say he will be getting IV antibiotics for at least 2 more days. Making a total of 3 1/2 days in the hospital if all goes well. There is tons of infection in his foley.

A long story short...Urine looked clear till Wednesday. I took a sample to the dr for lab work and culture. Friday had a red face and abdominal pain. BP was REALLY high...242/134, 208/127, 227/128, 228/131, etc. Heart rate 82, 102, 100, 109, 87...etc. Mostly no symptoms other than red face and abdominal pain, but H can’t know exactly where in abdomen. Physicians asst. from dr office, the on call dr on Saturday, and hospice nurse/administrator all said to trust the symptoms, and not the numbers. Said they didn’t trust the BP numbers without stroke/heart symptoms like confusion, impaired speech/vision, etc. Finally Sat. afternoon he got a headache and was shivering so I just brought him to the ER.

Triage nurse said he had dangerously LOW blood pressure, high heart rate (159) and fever. He was diagnosed with sepsis.

I wanted to know what all I need to ask the hospitalist. We do not have results from the CT scan or bloodwork, other than a nurse slipping us a bit of info. He said there was infection all the way into the ureters / kidneys, and there are kidney cysts. Here are some of the questions I have. Can you tell me if they make sense?

-Does that mean he has kidney cysts and also, by the way, sepsis, or were the cysts caused by the sepsis?

-The online stages of sepsis...mild, severe, and shock...will they be able to know about that now? Do the answers come from the bloodwork?

-How can I catch this earlier next time? Hoping my niece/nurse can teach me to do a manual BP. (The Walgreens cuff doesn’t work so well due to my H’s contracture in his arms.)

-I screwed up by raising his head when his face started getting red. You know, "If the face is red, raise the head...". So, I guess that’s not always accurate? I guess a little knowledge really IS a dangerous thing. 😟😏

-Should we go back to using a new catheter every time? After insurance, it’s over $600 per month. Urologist told us it was not necessary, as long as I cleaned them properly.

-Should I consider a foley? I’ve always thought a continuous open line was a greater risk of infiltration / infection than intermittent cathing. Urologist supports intermittent cathing.

-Anything else I need to ask doctors?

Thank you.

12 comments posted: Sunday, May 22nd, 2022

I’m really down these days

1 out of 3 of my kids bothered to tell me Happy Mother’s Day yesterday.

(The one that is incarcerated.)

I went to visit my grand baby yesterday. I haven’t seen him since or the other of us has been sick. He was 2 in February. When he saw me yesterday, he started sobbing, ran into his room and hid behind his door. 😞

I saw my son for the first time in 6 months. On a video call from jail. It was good to see him in real time, but so hurtful, too. And it hasn’t helped that I have been watching "Jail" on TV.

My H goes in on Wednesday to get a skin cancer removed.

His urine has been turning weird colors. 😯. I’ll send in a sample.

The thing that is killing me right now is my "relationship " with my H. I have chosen to stay with him to take care of him. But it is getting to where I am so angry ALL THE TIME. He will ask for tons of water late in the evening, then is waking me up every 1 1/2 - 2 hours to pee all night long. Then he sleeps all day while I have things to do, or I just can’t sleep.

He says he wants me to take care of him, but treats me like a slave. When I went to a funeral out of town last month, he did not do that to his sister the whole 5 days she was taking care of him. Also, he simply won’t talk to me. It’s like I’m not a person. And when I confront him about it, and ask him why, he says, "I don’t know". I’m so angry. Just so angry.

He has begun to talk with his nephew for lllooonnnggg periods time on the phone. This is a nephew who tore up 2 of our homes while we were letting him live there. I had to pay about $75,000 to renovate them in order to be able to sell them. He also used to call me and tell me how women loved him so much cause he could "go all night". I told my husband about it, and he had nothing to say. One time I left my mother-in-law‘s home. He came out to the van and asked where I thought I was going. I told him that I was taking my son away and I wanted him to stay away from him. He told me there was nothing that I could do to keep him away from my son and he can say whatever he wanted to to him. He’s a drug addict and an alcoholic and mentally ill. And my husband would not say a word against him for $1 million, even if it meant "choosing" him over me.

His mother, my H’s sister, comes to us from time to time to ask for money. She doesn’t work and is somewhat disabled, but she owns a two lot property with a home on it in our hometown, and where she lives a couple of hours away, she has 20 acres of property. But she doesn’t want to sell any of that. So she comes to us for money.

I know we will never be "married" again, but why can’t their be some kind of kindness to get through this situation??? I will ask him when he calls me into the room in the middle of the night, could you please tell me everything that you need so that I won’t have to get up so often. He doesn’t answer me. Then when I go back into the adjoining room to try to lie down and sleep some more, he will ask me to please turn him. Then I go back and lie down for three minutes and then he calls me back in to please get some more water, or to take the blanket off of him, or to put the blanket on him. Or to hand him the remote.

I am getting so angry with him I’ve been saying mean things. I can’t imagine that there could be any type of relationship with him except some kind of kindness, and some kind of recognition on his part that I am a person of worth..

Recently, I happened upon a song/blessing I heard that really touched me. It mirrored exactly what I thought was what he needed at this point. So I asked our ministers from our church to come in and give him a blessing. Then I ask the ministers from the church where he grew up which is a different faith, to come in and do an anointing. Both times the blessing was in regards to him deciding to make an effort in life, rather than just laying in the bed EVERY day, ALL day. He was ok with getting the blessings.

Since the blessings… No change whatsoever. But yesterday he asked me if I would please take him to eat out with a friend from his high school. I told him I would take him whereever he wanted me to. But that wasn’t enough. I also have to stay in case he needs some help. Like with eating and cutting food and things like that. So I will stay because he indeed is unable to cut his food, etc.

But I have to be honest. I no longer trust him at all. He knew I was very angry that he was spending so much time on the phone with that nephew. There have been times in our lives that he has turned over a small business to his nephew to run so that he would have an opportunity to succeed in his business life. WITHOUT TELLING ME. And he always runs them into the ground. And when my husband says to him that he can’t help him every month with a supplementary check because the business isnt paying for itself, the nephew says, "then I’ll just go back to selling drugs."

Now, I’m scared to death that my husband will change the beneficiaries on his life insurance policy from me and our children to giving this nephew and God knows who else some of the life insurance policy. I have already told him that if he gives his nephew one more penny of the money that should be given to our children and inherited by our children, that I will leave him no questions asked.

But I have no idea where I would go or how I would live.

I feel like a slave in my own home. I am so upset and angry all the time that I have even become angry lately with my deceased parents, for raising me in such a way that I feel like I want to do the right thing and take care of him at this point in his life. How screwed up is that???

I’m afraid now something is really wrong with me.

I could use some points of view.

28 comments posted: Monday, May 9th, 2022

Getting overwhelmed with keeping up

Because of my life at this particular time, I am popping in and out of this site whenever I can, but sometimes it is a few days before I can get back. As a result, if I was participating or at least reading a certain topic on a certain forum, by the time I come back to it, often there are pages and pages that I have not yet read.

That’s perfectly fine.

What is a really frustrating is that I can’t remember from one topic to the next, what page it was on when I last read/posted.

So basically, I am re-reading page after page after page so that I will see the full picture.

Is there someway on this particular site, unknown to my infant-like understanding of technology, that I can know where I stopped reading when I go back to it?

I am certainly not suggesting that this is something that needs to be available if it is not already. I’m guessing MH and everyone who works so hard to make this site so wonderful have plenty on their hands to do.

But I just thought there might be something in place that I don’t know about that could help me.

Any ideas?

3 comments posted: Tuesday, March 22nd, 2022

My 13th D-Day

So, yesterday was my 16th d-day.

Well, tbh it is not the day I discovered the infidelity. I was in the bed with mono, and I honestly don’t know the exact day I found out. I was pretty much out of my mind.

It is the day he actually did the deed. March 9, 2006. About the same time he was trying to get a loan for our dream home. 😔

Anyway, I am writing this to offer my experience as an encouragement for you to not go down the road I chose.

If you choose to stay, be sure to work damn hard to move past the grief/pain/hate. Actually put it behind you and move forward in healing.

And if you cannot move past it, take the steps to get out.

Don’t blink your eyes and 16 years later still be in a place of no healing regarding the whole mess.

I’m happy that my kids were spared the tough situation of a family splitting up.

I’m proud that I provided the opportunity for my H to work hard and for us to move past it.

But I have been through misery - as all of us have.

On second thought, don’t make any life decisions based on my pathetic musings. I’m just feeling so lost today.

6 comments posted: Thursday, March 10th, 2022

Please...I need legal “advice”

I have posted that my son was arrested in November for stealing a car. He is currently in our county jail.

He is also awaiting federal bank robbery charges...grand jury supposedly meeting within the next 2-4 weeks.

I need help. So much help.

Right now, his lawyer regarding the car theft, keeps bumping the court date out while they wait on the grand jury. He tells me that is so that while in federal prison, he would be able (probably) to serve the sentences concurrently. But if the car theft comes first, they would probably have to be served consecutively.

I asked his lawyer...a person I trust, if I should get a private attorney, or just have the court appointed attorney. He is not a federal attorney, but he said that on the federal level, things are implemented so tightly, that on a pretty cut and dry case, the court appointed attorney would probably do the same job as a private attorney. He also mentioned that federal attorneys are SOOOO expensive. I know my son will be going to prison, but if putting some money in a private lawyer could take considerable time off his sentences, it would be worth it. But would it make a difference? How can I know? Who do I ask?

Should I be making a decision about court appointed vs private lawyer NOW, or wait till the grand jury meets/decides? Or is this something my son has to do himself?

He says if they offer him a deal, he would rather accept that for less time than risk a longer sentence. Is that smart?

Also, who determines the length of the sentence? DA? Judge?

And are there any extenuating circumstances that the court / DA will consider when determining sentencing?

My son is biracial, which worries me enough with regard to sentencing.

His issues have included adoption, being born addicted to crack, a concussion at age 5 that permanently changed his affect, drug addiction, and documented behavioral/psychological issues (seeing a neuropsychologist every 2 years from age 4 - 16).

Do DAs give a shit about any of that, as in...would it be a consideration regarding sentencing?

My son told me recently that he has talked to people (fellow inmates) and thinks that for a non violent first federal offense, with a total of $200 money taken, that he expects a 3-5 year sentence.

I called a police officer friend to see if he could go visit my son before they came to get him after grand jury, and he said he thought the sentence would be much longer.

So, I am freaking out. I have been pretty sick for a couple of weeks. Im not sure if it’s some strain of COVID,or just a upper respiratory infection. My H has nothing to say/share about the whole situation with my son.....I mean NOT A WORD.

Yesterday, after my friend told me to prepare myself for a longer sentence, and feeling so horrible already, I have just been crying non stop.

If he gets 10 years or something, I know that my H won’t live that long. And I know how that will simply kill my son if he loses one of us while he is inside. I’m trying to think of all the reasons why I need to live, But they are all for someone else...take care of my H, etc.

Don’t get me wrong...I am NOT suicidal. I have strong feelings regarding taking my own life and that is simply not an option for me. But I sure do wish sometimes that I could just not wake up one morning.

Anyway...can someone unofficially help me understand how all this works, and what I need to be doing?


20 comments posted: Tuesday, February 15th, 2022

Feds picked up my sons case

He went to court today just to have the case "bound over" or something. But his lawyer said that the FBI picked up his case. Looks like he is looking at at least 5 years. At 100%.

I’m just sitting here sobbing, trying to make every plan possible to keep me and my husband alive till he gets out.

It’s my understanding that when he leaves county jail and goes to prison, he could be sent anywhere in the whole country.

What if I never get to see him again?


12 comments posted: Thursday, January 27th, 2022

So, my H has squamous cell carcinoma 😢

The dermatologist just called. We went earlier this week -like 3 days ago, and he did a biopsy of the growth on his side. They told us it would take up to two weeks to get results. But they called this morning.

I’m not sure if that quick response should scare me even more.

So they didn’t really tell me much about the significance of this diagnosis.

We go in again on March 3rd (that seems like too long to wait to me) to have the whole thing removed.

She told me that there shouldn’t be any need for chemotherapy.


Anyone have experience with this?

7 comments posted: Friday, January 14th, 2022

Tush & other medical professionals?????

My granddaughter who has just yesterday been diagnosed to have Covid, has exhibited a fever (high at times) and a stuffy nose with an occasional nosebleed.

Tonight her mother noticed that her eyes are a little bloodshot. And she texted me to ask that I contact my niece (nurse) to ask about MIS-C.

Can somebody please tell me about MIS- C and what all it involves, because what I have read on Google is terrifying.

This can’t be happening.

1 comment posted: Monday, January 3rd, 2022

C O V I D Exposure question

I have been sick for 2-3 weeks...same thing I get every year when winter arrives. Stuffy nose, cough, tired and weak. Haven’t even been to the doctor.

Since Christmas Eve, my grand baby’s mother (who stays with us sometimes for several days at a time) has has the same symptoms, but her chest congestion is much worse...coughing up nasty stuff.

So today she gets tested, and is positive. 😢

She called me crying. She was concerned about me and my sister, but mostly about my husband. I tried to calm her and tell her we would get through this, and that, who knows, I might have had a light case and given it to her. This seemed to help.

I took groceries / meds to her apartment tonight, and she has called me a couple of times with questions.

The thing that is scaring me most is that my grandbaby is with her. She called the pediatrician and asked what to do, He said not even to bother having her tested. They said that either she had Covid already, and it was just without symptoms, oh she would be getting it. And that there was no need to have her tested… That she should just carry-on as if she did already have it.

I am suffering from a huge case of guilt about this. I want her to be at my house so I can take care of her. And if she doesn’t come, I want the grandbaby to come and be with me. But I have to be doubly careful about my husband. Am I doing wrong? What should I do?

In addition to this, my oldest has really hurt my feelings. When I asked him if he had heard about her having Covid, he said yes. I told him that we were going to have to be very careful while we were quarantined, and that I needed for him to wear his mask whenever he was inside the house… Outside of his bedroom. He simply answered, "oh, no, I won’t be doing that." I told him that I was nearly 70 years old and his dad’s disability made us high risk. Nothing.

So now we are self imposing quarantine in our own home...staying only in 2 rooms in the house.

He makes me very sad that he cares so little for us that he won’t be inconvenienced by wearing a mask when he’s in the common areas of the house.

But, putting all of that aside, is there no way I can bring her back over to my house and take care of her and the baby without endangering my husband?

10 comments posted: Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

How do I decide whether or not to post bail?

My son, the one who is in so much trouble (out on bond) for robbing a bank… He was arrested last night for stealing a car a few days back. He called me from the room where he was talking to the detective. He was completely hysterical.

He just kept asking me, "Mom, do you think there’s any hope for me? Is there anything good inside of me?" I thought I might die.

He called back a couple of hours later and said that his bond had been tripled, because he committed this offense while he was on bail for another offense. His bond is now set at $111,000, so posting bail would be $11,000.

We have it, but would be taking money out of our savings that is supposed to be for the rest of our lives. Also, I have to think what would happen if he decided he was too scared to show up in court, and we had to pay the full $111,000.

I know it is probably ridiculous for me to post this. I know that probably 100% of any responses will say that I should not post bail for any reason. That I’m a hopeless enabler, and that I am hurting him.

He says he stole a car because he got into fight with his girlfriend, and she asked him to leave. And he has just gotten a good job and he’s so excited about being able to work hard and provide for his son and family. He’s wanting so badly to prove to everyone that he can be a better person.

But I also know that he tends to panic, And make bad choices.

While we were talking to him from jail earlier this evening, I put his father on the phone, because I was feeling like I was going to get hysterically upset. After talking to my husband for a little bit, my son started getting upset. I needed to leave the room for a minute and told him he needed to talk to his dad. I could hear him tell his father that he didn’t want to talk to him, that he would rather talk to me. He said that he knew that his dad didnt mind him staying in jail.

When I heard that, I stormed into the room and told him that he would not talk to his father in that way.

He kept calling me and calling me back from the jail. When I finally answered, I went off on him. What an unkind thing for me to do. While he is at one of the all-time lows in his life, I should have not done it. But I told him that I would not tolerate him talking to his dad in that way. I told him that he might choose to treat his father that way, but I was not going to allow him to treat my husband that way. He kept talking, so I hung up on him.

After I finish speaking to my son, I went in and yelled at my husband for a while. I told him that I would give ANYTHING in the world to have someone stand up for me like I just did it for him to our son. Crickets.

Come morning, he will be calling me again… Several times a minute if I don’t answer. He is more scared and more upset than I have ever known him to be. He keeps talking about his son. He keeps saying that if they give him a lot of years in jail, that he won’t get to see your son and he doesn’t think he can live through that.

He tells me he will do anything. There is a program in our town called a "man of valor" that is a residential facility for men involved with trouble with the law. Even said that he wants to go there. He wants to do better. But he panics when he thinks that he can’t be the man that he wants to be.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I can value money over my son. But I also don’t know how I can risk a big chunk of our savings/investments when I know that he is panicking.He panics about going to court and facing his punishment for these things, I’m afraid he might decide to flee.

If he goes to jail for years, it is very possible that he won’t have two parents when he gets out.

I’m just so very scared.

35 comments posted: Wednesday, December 1st, 2021

I think my son may have to go to jail for many years

...and I’m not sure this is a hill I can climb.

I don’t even know all the facts, because he doesn’t want to talk about it. But if I am reading him right, and interpreting the bits and pieces that I am hearing from him correctly, he actually tried to rob a bank.

He told me that his lawyer told him that he could get 8 to 10 years if they could prove that he was armed. And more like 2 to 5 years if he was not armed. I don’t even know if he was armed. This is something that happened years ago. Until last night I was under the impression that it’s because he took a bogus check that he says he got in the mail to the bank to cash it and they refused to cash it and kept the check. But now I’m getting the impression that there was more to it.

My first focus is on my son...that means he will be perhaps middle aged when he gets out. He will miss years and years out of his baby’s life. (This happened before the birth of his son.). He has been in a terrible place lately. When he is angry or upset he curses me and tells me the many ways I have been a bad mother, and how I am responsible for all of the mistakes in his life… Well, mostly the ones with his relationships. And when he is in a better place mentally and emotionally, he sobs and tells me what a good mother I was and how he could never repay his father and I, and that he’s so dissatisfied with his life. But even though I’ve offered to pay for it, he won’t see a counselor.

I have to selfishly admit that this is a hill that I don’t think I can climb. I am getting older, and if he is convicted, I could possibly never see him in person again. And I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t see his dad again either.

Court is it for another 2 to 3 weeks. I want him to go to court, because no matter the consequences, I want him to be able to have a fresh start at some point in his life. Not to mention, I would love not to have to pay $19,000 bond money if he doesn’t show. But wouldn’t you think, If someone bailed out of jail for a charge like possible armed robbery of a bank, that the bond would be far more than $20,000?

I’m trying very hard to hold it together. I’ve been eating nonstop all day because I’m so nervous I don’t know what to do. Trying to figure out how to go about my life if my baby it’s going to be in jail possibly for the rest of my life.

Please pray for us… If you pray.

And in lieu of prayers, please send all of the positive energy you possibly can.

Thank you.

32 comments posted: Saturday, October 9th, 2021

I’m scared for my kids

I knew it was going to be hard.

When we first adopted our kids, we knew it was going to be a challenge. With their birth mothers being alcoholics and drug addicts, we knew there would be issues. Took them to a relatively famous neuropsychologist and got diagnoses that indicated there would be challenges.

Every now and then I am cautiously optimistic that they are growing into some level of normalcy.

My oldest (29) has a 3 yr old daughter. He and the mother are not "together" at this point. He told me the other day very calmly that he understood that they were not together, even though he wishes they were, and that they might never be. But he just had to make the best of it for their daughter. Fairly mature, right? Especially when considering his fetal alcohol issues.

Then, the other day, he finds out that she is dating one of his oldest and closest friends. He is beside himself. Says things like he doesn’t want her to ever be allowed to come to the house again. The problem is, that his child’s mother is very special to me now, after being in our lives for 3 1/2 years. He has told me this before… That he doesn’t want her allowed in our home, but I refuse to agree to it because she is part of my family now. This time he asks me if I would be willing to have her not be in the house when he is home… Because he lives here. So I spoke to her and we have all agreed that she and the baby will spend time with us on days when she is off from work or on days when she goes in late, while my son is away from the house at work.

Tonight she had to work late, so the baby is staying here. When my son comes home he immediately jumps into the daddy role and helps her have some supper, and a bath, and plays and watches TV with her. I left them alone so he could have some one-on-one time with his daughter.

I got a phone call from the mama who is in tears. She says that when she goes to pick up the baby, he wants to "talk" which usually means to badger her about her doing something he doesn’t want her to do, or trying to talk her into being a couple again. Long story short, because she wouldn’t talk about it, he ends up kicking her car and saying something about wishing she would die. All of this is in front of their three-year-old child. Through tears, she was explaining to me on the phone that their daughter was asking her, "Mommy, why did daddy kick the car?"

My first response is to feel so badly for the baby… She can’t understand this and none of this is her fault or her choosing. Then I felt terrible for her mother. She has issues with anxiety, and understandably so, due to some of her past, and she is completely torn up about the situation. But I’m also worried about my son. His temper and his impulsivity. After I got off the phone with her, I went into the room to pick up toys or whatever… Really to just check on my son. He comes in the room talking about how horrible it is that she is dating his "ex" friend. He says, "you know what the worst part of it is?" I answer, "the worst part is that you kicked her mothers car and said you wish she would die in front of your daughter!"

I know there’s nothing I can do to change this. But I can’t get him to see a counselor. And these outbursts most often are just a momentary thing, and in about 15 minutes he realizes how wrong what he did was, and feels terrible about it.

The youngest son is going through a very similar situation, and my middle son just drinks and sits out in the yard in his truck listening to music and videos on his phone.

We have had them since they were 7 months, 1 year, and 2 days old respectively.

Tonight, I really thought I was going to have some sort of breakdown. So I just took off walking around the block. Just left all of them at the house, and left my H who just got home from a 9 day hospital stay. I don’t do that much because I broke my hip 10 months ago and it’s not really feeling fabulous enough to go for long walks.

But I went anyway. It seemed to be a pretty good distance. My mind was spinning and when I started paying attention to where I was, it was pitch dark and I had no idea where I was. Turns out I was just a few streets over from my house and I quickly found my way home. The very strange thing was that I had no fear. None. And that bothered me because it made me think I wasn’t concerned for my safety.

Anyway, I don’t know how to proceed from here. I certainly don’t want them to cause emotional stress for their children, and I don’t want them in jail for damaging property like kicking in the car. But also, I just want them to have a good lives.

So, I know there’s nothing to be done really. 😢

But thanks so much for listening.

7 comments posted: Thursday, September 30th, 2021

I’ve missed y’all!

Sorry, I double posted this new topic. I don’t even know how I did that. duh

1 comment posted: Saturday, September 25th, 2021

I’ve missed y’all!

It’s been a hard few months since I’ve been here regularly. I’ve missed y’all.

I never got to go on my trip. If you remember, I was traveling to visit my friend across country for 12 days. I really thought if I could get there, the time away would be like a reboot, healing, rejuvenating experience. I even had my H’s sister coming to take care of him.

Well, of course, I didn’t get to go. The uptick in COVID, and then my friend I was traveling to see - you guessed it - got COVID.

Since then, all of my sons seem to have issues, and right now I’m spending my 6th night in the hospital with my H. A minute ago my friend - who seems to be recouping well - called to tell me her exH - her son’s father - died tonight. Of COVID. She is so sad for her son.

I’m not coping well.

I need to get a counselor, but I have never had any luck before. I need to figure out a way to relate to my family. To accept the way it is going to be, and learn to relate / interact in as healthy a way as possible.

I’m trying. To be positive. To be loving, for example, with my sons, yet resolved to stand up for myself. To not be overwhelmed with all that seems to go wrong. Right now my youngest son ran out of gas on the way home. If I leave the hospital I can’t get back in till morning, and I need to be here with my H. My son left to drive to a nearby town with low gas, and texted to say he was out of gas on the side of the interstate. I told him to call my sister and she would bring him some gas. He said no...that he would just walk...and that it was my fault. Long story. So I’m sitting here worried about him not getting home safely.

Anyway, I just wanted to get back in touch with y’all...touch base. You always make me feel better somehow.

To all of you who have had positivity in your lives, I celebrate with you. And for all the struggles, lots of prayers / good energy sent your way.

Like I said...I’ve missed y’all.

9 comments posted: Friday, September 24th, 2021

Can hypothyroidism just “become” hyperthyroidism?

I have been taking Armour Thyroid for years now. I have had thyroid biopsies, and have had ultrasounds yearly for bilateral “goiters”… (Has to be a better term for that!)

Anyway, went to the doctor on Tuesday, and yesterday they called read me the results of my blood work up. Most things were within range and just fine. Cholesterol a bit high but I can work on that.

My TSH was on the low side, but within the range.

My T4 score was also on the low side, but within the range.

But here’s the kicker… My T3 scores were outside the range on the HIGH side.

My doctor does not work on Fridays and so he was unavailable to walk me through the meanings of these numbers. I have searched online and high TSH and low T4/T3 indicate hypothyroidism. On the other hand, low TSH and high T4/T3 indicate hyperthyroidism.

But there is no discussion of what it means if the TSH and T4 are low, but the T3 is high. And I mean on the outside of the range. The only thing I found was some mention about an issue in the hypothalamus in the brain.

Any smart people out there who have a clue what I’m talking about??? Because I certainly don’t!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 8:56 AM, July 24th (Saturday)]

7 comments posted: Saturday, July 24th, 2021

Downside of anonymity

The post about the passing of MissesJai has me thinking...

I think of this sometimes. Especially when someone doesn’t post for a while. Are they OK? It’s something really hard happening in their life, or are they sick or have they perhaps passed?

I love y’all dearly, and you have been so kind to me - I actually feel very close to some of you.

But due to the anonymity here, how do we ever find out when we have lost an SI friend?

Noone knows about me being on this site except my H, and he would never think to notify y’all if something happened to me.

I could leave information with someone, but that would mean

they would have access to my posts...and no one knows about my H’s “choices”. And that’s the way I want it to stay.

I sometimes see a “shout out” to check on someone...but if no one on the site knows- it is just a mystery.

It’s really sad, because there are a few individuals I have really missed lately, but there is just no way to know if they are OK.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 8:09 AM, July 24th (Saturday)]

2 comments posted: Saturday, July 24th, 2021


A dramatic word...but the closest one I have found to what I’m feeling.

My H is doing great pain wise...from a steady 6-8 to a 2-3. And yet mentally, emotionally, and physically he is not making any effort. The stimulator and the reduced pain level, I think, were unofficial benchmarks for moving forward in my mind. But... nothing. He won’t even put his dentures in. Just watches tv, then stares into space when I’m in the room.

My sons still struggle, but there is one that is really frightening me at this time. He can’t seem to catch a break. Car wreck, hospitalization, lost jobs, etc. So he feels hopeless. Today he hit a new low in trying to get money fraudulently. I ask him to leave our home… Where he was staying temporarily for him and his girlfriend to work some things out. I am scared out of my mind that he’s lying his way through life is without remorse and permanently. My heart is broken.

I can imagine that there will be a few thoughts / comments about codependency- but my family is my world, and I’m just so very sad - despondent.

I don’t see anything changing. I’m going to be doing this from now on. I’m never going to get a positive response toward me from my H, and I’m not going to live to see my sons become men of character.

I’m just so sad about it all.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:38 PM, July 20th (Tuesday)]

8 comments posted: Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

I need advice...maybe a book???

My sister is really struggling.

Her health is not great, she has just had her 2nd knee replacement and is a mess.

She came over the other day and shared with me all of these awful feelings of inferiority and condemnation from our childhood.

She feels that me and our older sister were superior to her in every way. (A total joke by the way - except that she feels it is true).

Her feelings of inferiority are expressed in situations like if a friend doesn’t call her for an extended period of time, she worries day and night about what she did to upset them, and what she can do to fix it.

And on and on.

She finally told me that she has been on this sleep medicine for 5 years, and that she has recently stopped taking it abruptly because she is sleeping better. She failed to share that it was also medicine for depression. Her PCP said the feelings she was having were most probably due to that.

She also said she has been seeing this ghost in her house, very clearly, but that her very high strung dog doesn’t seem to notice. PCP also told her that hallucinations could be attributed to the way she stopped her meds.

Anyway, she asked me what she should do. I suggested she follow the drs instructions about going back on the meds and perhaps being weaned off later if appropriate. I also suggested a counselor, AND maybe a book to help her get a different perspective regarding her worth/value.

I mean, “Who is John Galt?”

Anyway, any suggestions for a book and/or type of counselor?

11 comments posted: Saturday, June 5th, 2021

Well, yesterday was interesting...

My H started throwing up blood in the a.m. and we finally went to the ER at around noon. The staff that worked with us this trip were practically incompetent.

They did a CT, but without contrast, because “We can’t do contrast with the IV in the hand”. And couldn’t “get” another one.

Took 7 hrs to get an IV started, and a CT. The rest of the time I was just holding the vomit bag for him. (Due to his disability, he has very limited diaphram function and gets choked easily.)

The dr looked at the red fluid coming out of my H and said, “Is there really much blood in there? I don’t know.” Uhhh, maybe you should test it you freak!!! (Sorry.)

Got home at 7:00pm, after the pharmacy was closed. He threw up all night. I finally got the meds, which I read were used to treat an ulcer...although we were not told they thought he had an ulcer.

Oh, and did I mention that when the dr FINALLY went over the CT results at my behest, he causally read that my H has an aortic aneurysm. I said, “A WHAT?” He said, “Yes, but it hasn’t changed since the last CT here LAST MARCH”. What????????? NO ONE has EVER mentioned that to us.

I guess a topic of discussion for our PCP.

Anyway, he is FINALLY resting, and hasn’t thrown up since 7:00 am.

In the middle of all of this, we were having terrible weather here. Tornadoes. Flash floods. When we drove home from the hospital, it was in a total deluge.

Got home safely, although, the ambulance did flood out and they had to wait a bit to get it to restart.

THEN, at about midnight, one of my sons calls. “Mom, I’m stranded.” The goober is a storm freak...a storm chaser ‘wanna be’. He had gone to where we used to live, and was talking to a neighbor, when the water came over the bridge. He tried to go out the way he came in, but due to a change in elevation in that part of the road, it was also flooded.

Long story short, he and a few others were stranded there. So the police rescue boat had to rescue him. He told me to go to a certain spot and wait for him to arrive in the boat.

Geese Louise.

But strangely I survived (in the presence of a certain level of panic) and they were both home eventually...and safe.

So, again we were blessed.

Anyone else have an eventful Saturday?

*Oh, and the jury is still out as to whether my son will end up losing his truck. The waters were still rising when he left it there last night.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 2:07 PM, March 28th (Sunday)]

11 comments posted: Sunday, March 28th, 2021

Can we re start the “Health Check”?

I have failed to stay with this topic after breaking my hip, and I just now noticed it has been closed.

I’m guessing it was closed due to inactivity???

If so, I’d like to resume the topic. (If there is a reason I’m not supposed to restart it, my apologies. And just close this one out if need be.)


How is everyone doing?

Those of you who have now or in the past had COVID. Or particularly difficult experiences during this past year. Or those of us who are just struggling.

I’ll go.

We are hanging in there. Moving toward pain mgmt for my husband. Keeping to ourselves, masking, and distancing. Due to age and retirement, able to stay home 99% of the time.

Had a recent COVID scare with my youngest son. He came home (yikes!) as adult kids sometimes have mommy take care of him. Turns out it was only strep - but it was scary for a while. He was in one end of the house and my husband in the other end… With me running in between! I have never sprayed so much lysol on surfaces, bedding, dirty dishes, even my masks. Got a few buzzes from breathing it in.

Finally COVID test result came in negative.

How are y’all doing?

44 comments posted: Sunday, March 7th, 2021

Looking for info re kidney growth


Looking for med help from tush, HF, number, and others with the knowledge and experience.

Last June my H was in the hospital for digestive issues, but a CT scan showed an approximately 1 cm growth on my H’s kidney.

We sent it to the urologist and he said it was very small, and he did not suggest even biopsy, but to just monitor.

So, another CT scan about 2 weeks ago. My van lift is broken, so after canceling the urologist appt. twice, we had a zoom appt. yesterday.

He said the tumor had grown, but still pretty small...12-14 mm. He said it could very well be cancer, but even at that, he suggested still just watching it over time.

So, he suggested that...because a CT scan every 6 months is too much radiation...we should get an ultrasound in 6 months.

I have been searching online, but wanted to ask if this doc’s advice is sound. “Even if it could very well be cancer, don’t even biopsy?”

What I have been reading online is that there are rarely any symptoms of kidney cancer early on, but that it is very aggressive and tends to spread to the lungs very quickly.

The only thing it says about a biopsy is that there is risk of missing a small tumor altogether, and of spreading cancer cells if there is malignancy.

Is that right?

Because I have issues with irregular breast tissue due to fibrocystic disease. And 3 times they have incised and once done a needle biopsy.

Seems like a possible aggressive malignancy with little symptoms is a top candidate for biopsy.

With the first scan last June, when he told us of the growth, he said we could monitor, biopsy, or remove. I said “Let’s get it out “. But the doc said a removal could fail to get all of such a small tumor, or fail to find it at all. He strongly recommended ‘wait and see’.

The doc seems like he is not alarmed or fearful.

Any impressions?

4 comments posted: Saturday, March 6th, 2021

So, I’m having a bit of a struggle

It has been a week of struggle and sadness for me.

I am abusing my IRL friend with all my “shit” (sorry), and my sister doesn’t do well with negative news. So I come here just to feel that I am a part of something.

I know that probably doesn’t even make any sense.

At the first of the week, my son’s daughter’s mother let him know she was “talking” to some guy. My son is devastated. After their daughter was born, he spent some time with some girl. Broke his daughter’s mother’s heart. They broke up then, and have been ‘trying’ to work things out. He is trying to make it up to her, but doing poorly. Now this. And she has recently started back to school and gotten an apartment. The baby is dealing with a lot of change. Heartbreaking.

Then a couple of nights ago, my son’s dear friend found out that his wife attempted suicide. Their 5 year old saw the aftermath...blood and cuts. The little girl ask my son, “why did my mommy cut herself?“ That child’s life has changed.

My middle son has been sleeping on the couch now and then, but we didn’t see him for several weeks. Now he is freaking me out. He comes without letting me know, and leaves the next morning without saying a word. Except I hear him in the bathroom. Sometimes he stays in there a while, and I have heard lots of sniffing. In my present “the glass is 1/2 empty” world view, I have been afraid he is using again...maybe cocaine?

Today is my youngest son’s baby boy’s first birthday. He was coming to our house to let us be with him on his birthday. But as he was FaceTimeing me, I got a call from the police department in my town. I said I would get back to him. They are looking for my son. There are warrants out for him regarding things I did not know were an issue. I texted him to ask what in the world was going on. He won’t text me back. I’m sure he won’t be coming with the baby today, but I just want to know what is happening… and especially to know if he is OK.

I am a bit of a nervous wreck. My hip just NEVER stops hurting it seems.

I’m feeling quite overwhelmed. Now my son has packed up some of his daughter’s mother’s things to take over to her. Sort of a dramatic gesture after her news about the other guy. He’s been gone a loooong time. My mind is working overtime and I’m worried that he might’ve made trouble at her new apartment. Maybe he’s been picked up by the police. Because I have not heard from him.

So I’m sitting here thinking about, worrying about, praying for all of these situations.

That my granddaughter will adjust to all the changes in her life recently. That I will still be able to see her. That she and my son can maintain a relationship.

That the five-year-old daughter of the attempted suicide will get the assistance she needs, and that her mother will get the meds she needs.

That my son who is an addict will be OK…that somehow he will regain the state of mind he had for several months after he got out of rehab.

That my oldest son will focus on his relationship with his daughter, rather than mourning over the loss of his relationship with her mother.

And that my youngest son is OK. That he can’t somehow get all of these problems behind him at some point. And that it will be in time for me to relish in some happiness for him before I am not here.

And that abandoned dogs will find food and shelter...and that no baby will ever be hurt again...

You get the point.

A bit strung out on so many woes in my life and the world in general.

Y’all have a positive thought for me, OK?

15 comments posted: Thursday, February 25th, 2021

How do I “accept” cookies?

My phone tells me each time I go to log in that I must have cookies.

There is only one response, and that is to “x out”.

But I’m guessing that doesn’t do it.

Help please. I just don’t know how to “accept cookies”

6 comments posted: Tuesday, December 22nd, 2020

Could it possible if...

...we could combine “Saturday night party time” with “SPF”???

Just sayin’...

I could use the laughs!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 3:51 PM, September 16th (Wednesday)]

4 comments posted: Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

Help understanding synchronized devices

I know absolutely nothing about technology.

That being said, someone showed me how to sync my iPad and my iPhone. I know that if I text someone on my iPhone, it also pops up on my iPad. They are both in “the cloud“ whatever that means.

I loaned my iPad to my son, and now he says he doesn’t know where it is. I’m not sure what to think about this. He could be lying of course. Or maybe he just lost it.

Either way, I’m concerned that people will be able to see what I text and what I search and perhaps even my posts on this site… Whatever I do on my phone.

I’m guessing a stranger would have to have my password to get on it… But I gave my password to my son. And he would definitely be the one that I would not want to read the things I have said on this site to you good folks.

Is this true?

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:59 AM, September 7th (Monday)]

5 comments posted: Monday, September 7th, 2020

Happy Birthday WhatsRight !!!!!!!!!!

6 comments posted: Thursday, June 25th, 2020

Are there ever any G2Gs in the Southeast?

That's pretty much it.

3 comments posted: Friday, August 30th, 2019

User names I hate to use



I really like this woman! I just can't write it. So I use "MOB".

Once you feel a certain connection with people, it's hard for me to use some of the names.

No disrespect intended.

Any of you have any others?

11 comments posted: Sunday, August 13th, 2017

Trouble logging on to SI website

Anyone know why I would be having trouble logging onto this site from my iPad? I have no problems logging in with my iphone.

Truly weird.

Also, even though I clear all history each time, 'surviving infidelity' pops up every time I turn my phone on in 'bookmarks' and top picks & history.

I want there to be no trace of it in the event one of my kids borrows my phone and googles something starting with 's'.

3 comments posted: Sunday, July 9th, 2017

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