I’m in a bad place
I don’t really want to go on and on like I usually do.
I just want to say that I’m in a dark place. I can’t sleep. I’m short with people around me.
I spend every minute trying to figure out how to keep my son from getting hurt, raped, or killed in prison.
I get that I have no power with any of that. It doesn’t change my obsession / worry / fear about it. My faith doesn’t change it.
But I don’t know how to live with the reality that it could very well happen. And what it would do to him.
I just want to be able to say, "It is well with my soul." But I never have, and I don’t feel like I ever will.
36 comments posted: Sunday, March 12th, 2023
My son will be going to the county jail due to a second DUI. For 45 days. Or 2 months. I’m not sure.
He has told me that he has repeatedly asked the mother to see his daughter and she has said no. I told him that was totally not right, and that she couldn’t really do that. That he had a right to see his daughter. He said she had blamed it on me, because I am sick. It’s true, I’ve been sick since a day or two after Christmas with sinus infections etc. Just yesterday I found out I have the flu. And so I have called the babies mother and ask them not to come over because I don’t want either one of them to be sick. But I explain to my son that he doesn’t have to see his daughter at my home where he lives. He can take her to a movie, or take her to a playground.
I explained to him that if that persists, he should get an attorney and go to court to set up specific legal parameters. He told me that she has a high dollar lawyer, and he told her that if my son retains a lawyer, he will loose all parental rights. Because of his record.
There may be things on his record that I do not know about, but I do know that these 45-60 days he spends in jail will be the longest he has ever been in jail. Other times he has been arrested for DUI, or driving without a license he has been in jail for two or three nights maybe.
I can’t believe that what he is telling me is actually true.
… She is being a butt and trying to scare him, or…
… he is being dramatic because he’s so mad at her.
Anyway I tried to let him know that no one with two DUIs is going to have his custody removed. He kept interrupting me and telling me that I always took her side. Then he told me that "this conversation is over.". When I said "OK" he continued the conversation so I just left the room. As I was leaving the room he was of course hollering about how I always took her side, etc.
I love her a lot, but I know that she is not always upfront. But I also know that my son exaggerates situations. Throughout this past summer and fall, he has been unemployed. And the baby and her mother have come over many times, sometimes three and four times a week, and stayed a good bit of the day. And because he stays up all night watching TV, he’s asleep in his room while she’s here. He doesn’t come out of his room to spend time with her…we’ll, not very often. So I’m thinking that a good part of this is him wanting to manipulate her to be with him. I just don’t know.
I didn’t know that he loves the baby a great deal. He’s really troubled now. This past late summer is when he and my other son got into a fistfight. Most of the time he is very docile and agreeable. He helps me around the house, etc. Talks all the time about how great he and his brother are getting along now. Helped me set up his room the other day and told me that he was going to introduce him to non-alcoholic "beer" so that maybe he would cut down on his drinking.
But also, he just is so down. And I am concerned about him going to jail for a couple of months in that frame of mind. When he is having mood issues, he is very quick tempered. And I know that that is just not an option in jail if he is wantng to stay out of trouble. I can’t stand the thought of him getting hurt.
I guess I’m mostly wanting to know if any of you know under what circumstances he could have his rights to see his daughter taken away from him.
10 comments posted: Wednesday, February 8th, 2023
Is it just me, or is there an issue with “Stupid Picture Friday”?
When I go to it, there is nothing there. Jut the name of he poster, and nothing underneath.
I am a computer idiot, so it’s not completely out of the realm of possibility that it’s just me.
9 comments posted: Saturday, February 4th, 2023
Something positive 👍👍👍
I feel like so many times I post here when things are bad. So I wanted to share a "good day" I had yesterday.
A little bit of background is that my oldest son, age 30, is presently unemployed, and next week will be going to county jail for 45 days due to a second DUI. My middle child, 27, has bad issues regarding addiction some concerning psychological issues. He has a good job now, one that he likes, and he’s doing well with it. He is cutting out all heavy drugs, and trying to cut down on his alcohol. He is quite antisocial with us at home. He really really doesn’t like me. He adores his father, but since his dad is in the bed 24 seven, they don’t have a great deal of interaction. My baby, 26, is incarcerated, awaiting sentencing for a federal offense.j
Anyway, that’s not the good news… Thankfully!
My middle son has been sleeping on my couch for at least a couple of years. (He wasn’t allowed to live at the house until he cleaned up his act with drugs and heavy drinking ) He and I are constantly having words about his things scattered all over my living room. I remind him that "This is the living room" and his response is, "This is my bedroom". 🤨
Anyway, the reason he has been on the couch is because we have only 3 bedrooms, and H & I have one, and oldest son has another. The third bedroom is a little sitting, reading room - mostly for me. I have decided to give it to him as his bedroom. So for his birthday we promised him a tv for that room. I have been pushing him to get an extra bed at our house put into that room and get it fixed up as his bedroom. I have moved out some of the furniture, and I have taken out all of my "clutter" from in there. But he just can’t get motivated.
Yesterday my oldest, who just months ago had a physical fight with the middle son, was shopping with my sister…helping her with heavy dog food bags, etc.
Now this is where the good part starts… He calls me and tells me that he has found a TV that he thinks my middle son would really like. I said I wanted him to pick it out himself, but he really made an argument for surprising him with it. So he brought it home with him. Then he insisted on setting it up in the room. This room was a total mess, but after I cleaned it out it only has my sons things in it. But it’s still a bit of a mess. But after he set up the TV and programmed it, then he told me that we should move all of my sons things to one side so that there would be room to set up the bed for him. He wanted to surprise him. He told me that he was concerned (as we all have been) with my sons antisocial behavior, sitting in his truck playing games on his phone most nights, and that he thought it could motivate him to get his bedroom set up if we got the tv and bed set up. So we did. When my son got home from work, he was totally surprised. He didn’t act all that excited, but he stayed out of his truck and in his bedroom all evening. They had a friend over and the three of them sat in his room and watched some TV and my middle son actually did a little work in getting his room set up like he wants it. To watch them transform from literally hating each other only months ago, to my oldest son stepping up to help him out was just inspirational.
Then ADDITION, my oldest son has begun to drink some kind of non-alcoholic Budweiser beer. If I’m not supposed to use that name, I apologize. Anyway, he noticed that my son, a couple of nights ago, was drinking his little "cocktail in a can" drinks in his truck. So he told him he ought to try some of this new beer. My middle son gladly accepted, and then they had a conversation about how it was non-alcoholic. My son was telling me last night that his brother said to him that he didn’t really like getting/being drunk. He just really liked the taste of it. Plus he just liked the feeling of doing the honest days work, coming home, and popping open a beer. So he has gotten him to start drinking these nonalcoholic beers. My eldest son came in last night and said, "Mom, I’m just hoping that this can encourage him to stop drinking". I’m getting chills just typing this. (I get it that he should probably not substitute a non-alcoholic "beer" for the real thing. That the idea is to divorce yourself from the thought of it at all, but hopefully this can be a first step.)
Then, as if that wasn’t fabulous enough, yesterday I found out that my youngest son has pretty much decided on a plea deal in his case, and it seems to be positive. We are cautiously optimistic that he could be home by his birthday NEXT year (2024). He seems to be in good spirits about it. Also, this means that whenever sentencing occurs, and he is transferred to whatever prison he will be serving his sentence, he gets to have in person visits. That means that my husband and I will get to see him, which is so fantastic considering I have been worried about some thing happening to my husband before my son gets out of jail. But even more importantly, he will be able to see his lady and his son in person. ❤️❤️❤️
So sorry for the long post, but I was just feeling so blessed yesterday, and I had to share! 😊😊😊
On the other hand, last night I had my first dream about my father since his death. I have been waiting and waiting and waiting now 16 years to have a dream about him. So it finally happened. But instead of a sweet dream with him telling me that he loved me, or just doing something fun together, we were sitting on bleachers, and he looked at me and said, "You know, your mother has lung cancer."
"Why haven’t you come to me in my dreams before this?"
"Why couldn’t this have been a fun, loving, dream?"
And, C, by the way…
"My mother is dead!"
Sorry for the long long long post.
Y’all have a GREAT day!
5 comments posted: Tuesday, January 31st, 2023
Complication of spaying?
I recently had my 10 month old puppy spayed. About nine days ago. All went well. The staff at the veterinary hospital were efficient, personable with my puppy, etc.
I received instructions regarding postoperative care and followed them. About five nights after the surgery, she was lying next to me on the couch, and ready to fall asleep. When I looked over at her, I noticed that her head was shaking minimally from side to side…like with Parkinson in humans. Her eyes were open and yet when I passed my hand across her line of vision, she did not blink. It took me quite some time to get her to "wake up".
So, I’m thinking a petite mall seizure? The next day she threw up. Since then, nothing. No tremors, no nausea or vomiting. She is back to her perky, excited, "puppyness".
I texted the clinic where she had her surgery and described what had happened. The vet said that they had never had that type of reaction, but that with anesthesia nothing is impossible. She suggested that if it happened again, I videotape so that I can show it to our veterinarian.
Anyone have any idea what could cause such a thing? I’ve been so worried.
The only thing that helps me not be completely hysterical is when I remember that she is very twitchy when she sleeps/dreams.
3 comments posted: Wednesday, December 7th, 2022
Medical Peeps- What about P F A P A
My granddaughter has been "diagnosed" with PFAPA. And she has episodes every 4 weeks…almost to the day.
Last week when it flared up again, her mama gave her some prescribed prednisone… One dose, five units.
Her fever almost immediately disappeared and she felt great for several days. Then last night came down with another fever.
Another treatment sometimes used is a tonsillectomy. I have been reading some about it, and I was wondering if any of you all had any special insight about the situation.
Sometimes the tonsillectomy, they say, can take away the flareups and then the condition goes away at about age 10.
But, I’m also reading that removing the tonsils can increase the chances and severity of respiratory illnesses later in life. Also, the prednisone scares me.
I think her mama is leaning toward having the tonsillectomy in hopes that it will just alleviate the situation. She hates to have her miss a lot of school, be sick every 4 to 6 weeks, etc. I am concerned about the effects of the treatments, i.e. prednisone/tonsillectomy. My thought is if the episodes don’t too strongly impact her, that she should just let it run its course.
Does anybody have any insight into this condition?
8 comments posted: Thursday, December 1st, 2022
General Discussion / Counseling Question
My H’s transgressions were years and years ago. He is sick now, so mostly a moot point.
But, when we went to counseling and Retrouvaille back in the day, I tried unsuccessfully to get a question addressed to my satisfaction…maybe y’all can help.
H is totally conflict avoidant. He would rather do anything than "talk". About anything, but most especially about something where he is at fault. So…anything regarding that which I will not mention here.
I, OTOH, need (not only want)…NEED to talk it out with the intention of dealing with it then letting it go. Never had that chance.
So, counseling and Retrovaille both addressed this with the following perspective…
"You can’t force someone to talk when they don’t want to. Agree on a time to address the issue later." In fact, I was told to let THEM choose when that time should be.
OK, I understand that you can’t expect someone to discuss a difficult topic on demand. But this is my question…
WHY IS THEIR NEED TO WAIT TILL LATER SUPERCEDE MY NEED TO ADDRESS IT NOW?
Either way, one person gets their preference, while the other acquiesces.
Why is the rule that you can’t "force" someone to do something?
By refusing to talk "now", I am basically being forced to wait.
Why do my needs have to wait???????
I’ve been looking for a justification for this for many years.
14 comments posted: Sunday, October 23rd, 2022
Can someone contact me please?
1 comment posted: Thursday, October 13th, 2022
Heard from my son’s federal defender today
She wanted to introduce herself over the phone and asked me some questions about him. She also has some type of investigator that she wants to call me and talk with me about my son as well.
She told me several very disturbing things.
She said that it was very complicated with him because he has state charges as well as the federal charges. She said that he was not earning any time right now, because he had not been sentenced yet… His case had not been resolved.
She said that after his federal case is resolved, they will send him back here to do his time on state charges before he even got to start his federal charges. We were under the impression that federal time would be done first, and that state charges could be served concurrently. Evidently that is not the case.
From some research that I have done, from some inmates who had at least similar experiences that my son has spoken to, we were under the impression that the first time, non-violent offense of this nature would be 3 to 5 years, but probably the short end of that time. She told me today that she hoped it would not be longer than five years. But that he would serve all the time for state charges first, before he was even allowed to start serving his federal time.
It sounds like it could be more like 10 years instead of the three years that we were praying for.
I know that my husband will not survive that long. I’m very concerned about my son meeting his defender this Thursday morning and her telling him all of this information. She told me today she would try to break it to him gently. But I’m afraid it’s all going to come crashing in on him.
I know that he made his choices, and there is a price to be paid.
… So now he has to be in jail much longer than we thought probably.
… It is entirely possible that neither my husband or even I will live to see him to get out.
… I wonder if his lady will be able to wait this kind of time for him.
…His son will be 12-13 yrs old when he gets out.
He is already very worried about his dad. We are just finishing up another Zosyn infusion through a picc line the hospital sent him home with. Our son calls every other day to check on his dad. H has stopped eating any more than once a day. He just sleeps all the time.
I’m scared on so many fronts.
I’m afraid that this will break him.
23 comments posted: Wednesday, October 12th, 2022
Is it ever right to keep “family stuff” away from family?
So, as you all may have noticed, 😏 …I tend to be an over sharer.
I share everything. Especially to family or close friends who are involved with the situation or the person involved. But, obviously, also to perfect strangers online!(Although I beg to differ that you all are strangers to me.)
This has been a bit of a week. My middle son who has some emotional health issues has been having an ongoing rift with a close friend. She is mentally ill, and feeds into his issues. My observations.
My oldest son said something at some point that I don’t know about, and she began to tell my other son that they were both racists, and that I was the one who raised them to be racist. I asked him if she knew his brother is biracial. Yes she did. But, she held true to the fact that I have raised my two "white sons" to be racist. She has spread this all over social media and has blocked my son from communicating with her. She has threatened to vandalize our home.
This all happened about two months ago, and he said that he was done being her friend. I found out recently that their friendship was "over" mostly because he didn’t like anybody "talking smack about his mama". I was very sorry that he was upset about the end of their friendship, but I was happily surprised that he wanted to speak up for me. He has never really "liked" me much. Thinks I am wanting to make him be the kind of person I want him to be, i.e., sober. That’s the history. A tiny example of it.
Now for the present. Strike one…Yesterday my older son came to me and said that his very dear friend has been in the hospital for one month in a nearby town and he didn’t even know it. That he was in very critical condition. Would I take him to visit him. So off we go. I called my other son to let him know what’s happening and he says that this friend is one of his best friends in the world and he wants to go too. So we went to the hospital. I left them there with one vehicle when I drove home.
When the guys came home after visiting their friend, my son was almost hysterical. Talking about how this was one of the best friends he’s ever had, and this was so terrible and he just didn’t know what he was going to do. My older son has told me since then that his brother has hung out with he and his friend on four or five occasions, but that they weren’t close friends at all. I believe that my son has an issue with exaggeration/drama. Sometimes it feels like he doesn’t think he is "enough" so everything has to be exaggerated to make it sound like a much bigger deal.
Strike two…That night I went to bed early and got up at about 2 AM to watch the queen’s funeral. I noticed headlights coming in through the blinds meaning there is a car in my driveway… At 3 AM. So I go out there to see what’s happening. Someone is letting off my son, and he is obviously intoxicated. I ask about it, because he has been driving my car to work since his truck has been on the fritz. He denies having been drinking. He comes in and gets into it with me. Tells me that I pissed him off because he can come and go whenever he wants to and he doesn’t have to tell me. I hadn’t even asked about that. I just wanted to know about the drinking so I would know whether or not to give him my keys in 4 1/2 hours to drive to work.
After a conversation, he tells me that he’s sick to death of me and that I make him want to kill himself. That I want him to be something that I want him to be, (sober…so, guilty) and that he knows that I just want to sit and watch Jason (the friend who is ill) die????? I asked him to repeat it, and he said the same thing. That I just wanted to sit and watch him die. I said I was done talking.
He was gone all day today, and finally called me in the afternoon and said that he had talked himself out of committing suicide this morning, but was going to check himself into a psychiatric hospital. He said that I had driven him to all of this, and named all the reasons why he resents me.
My oldest son is also upset with him, because he has pretty much had it with all of the drama. I tried to tell him that we don’t need to be upset with him, because it has to do with emotional issues. That we should be concerned about him. He didn’t agree.
Strike three is when my son from prison calls. In the course of the conversation he asked me how everybody’s doing. I really don’t lie to the boys, so I told him that Jason was very ill, and that his brothers were upset, especially the one brother. But that was as much as I told him.
So, 1000 words later, my question is this… Do I withhold the information about his brother being at a psychiatric hospital from my son who is incarcerated? I don’t want to add to his stress, but I don’t want to keep information about his brother from him.
Any ideas of how the hell to handle this in the least hurtful way possible for each of them?
Sometimes I feel like there is a kink in something in my life… That something is twisted in the universe and I need to get it straightened out. Do other regular people in the world have shit like this going on all the time, one after another, and I just don’t notice? Shame on me if that is the case. If that is not the case, what have I done to get things out of balance so badly?
I was getting so used to the ease and peacefulness of my husband doing better healthwise, and therefore less drama in our lives.
19 comments posted: Tuesday, September 20th, 2022
They came and got my son today
Until this morning, my son was in our local county jail. There were some relatively small charges. He has been there almost a year.
But he was indicted in May on a federal offense, and has been waiting since then to be picked up.
I just got a text from his lady that he had been picked up.
He is actually anxious to get started with whatever time he will be in prison.
Hard to type that.
He believes that when he is finished with federal time, the local charges will be rolled into it, and he will be done. Whereas time he has been in county jail does not count toward federal time.
I can’t believe I’m in a situation to even know that fact.
I don’t know where he’s going now. If he will be taken to the state capital, or transported to another state where he will be held until he goes to court. And then after he is sentenced, he will be sent… it is my understanding… to one of three federal prisons. I haven’t seen him in almost a year.
I have read that they try to give prisoners a prison location as close as possible to their family, because family visits keeps prisoners more manageable.
I can only hope and pray it will be close enough for us to visit him as often as possible.
18 comments posted: Friday, September 9th, 2022
Nursing question – I need help quickly please
Sorry, double topics!
No idea how that happened!
1 comment posted: Wednesday, July 27th, 2022
Nursing question… I need quick help!
As you may know from my other thread, I am presently infusing antibiotics into my husband‘s PICC line.
I do it three times a day, at 7 AM, 3 PM, and 11 PM.
Today I have a doctors appointment at 3 PM. Exactly the same time as I am supposed to give him his anabiotics. My PCP is retiring, and this is the last opportunity I will have to see him. He is booked up until his retirement and I just can’t afford to miss the appointment, unless absolutely necessary.
I called the home health nurse and ask her if I could start the anabiotic treatment right at 3 PM (dr is 1 mile away) and disconnect as soon as I got home, no later than 415. That could possibly leave the anabiotic line hooked up to the PICC line about 15 minutes after it is empty.
She said that she would prefer me to give it to him one hour early, or one hour late. She said there was a one hour cushion on either side of the timing, and that leaving the anabiotic tubing hooked into the PICC line longer than necessary was not recommended.
Do you all agree? I want to do what is best for H, obviously.
10 comments posted: Wednesday, July 27th, 2022
Did you ever have one of those days? I mean good ones!
I post a lot when I’m sad / frustrated / angry / devastated / etc.
But…today was a good day…bordering on a great day. And not because of anything earth shattering, just a sequence of what felt like small victories.
My H is feeling pretty good, considering his recent hospital stay.
I decided to do NOTHING today. No returned calls, no housecleaning, nothing proactive. Didn’t get H up…thought he (and I) should just rest today.
Had a couple of no stress conversations with H about his expectations and wishes from here on out. I accepted whatever he said with no back and forth.
My son called to vent to me a situation with repairing his truck. I listened quietly and gave no advice initially, and resisted the urge to "mother" him. When he was ready for my input, I suggested he take a little while to be totally bummed that it wasn’t going to turn out as he was planning, then when he was ready, we could brainstorm.
I also supported a couple of options he came up with. Usually he gets bonkers with self pity and exaggerated doom, but today, in reference to my saying that he may have to "travel from GA to LA to get to FLA, but he would get there". And…I can’t even believe I’m typing this, he told me that reminded him of his favorite Bible verse… and proceeded to quote it for me. It was one I was not even familiar with myself. But he knew it Word for Word, and knew what it meant.
First, I want to say that I’m not trying to make a religious point here. Just telling the story to illustrate how he had added to my great day, because that was so important to me personally. Especially since he has not been particularly focused on things of a spiritual nature recently.
On the way home from work, (I’m taking both of them to work because both of their trucks happen to be out of commission at the same time!), my other son told me of a hitch in his plans with his truck as well, but he had already figured out an alternate plan. Awesome, because this son mostly uses anger in situations like this.
Came home and saw my grand baby whom I had not seen in a couple of weeks. A total angel who always makes me super happy.
Then I found out, through looking at pictures online, that my new five-month-old puppy is probably NOT a beagle/basset hound mix, but probably more likely to be a beagle/Texas coon hound mix. who get to be between 65 and 80 pounds at maturity. Yikes! But I adore her, however HUGE she will be! She makes me smile!!!
Then I had a conversation with my H regarding his hopes / plans. What he wants to look forward doing at this point in his life. There are no races to win, no more businesses to start, etc. He and I came up with family stuff, attention to his health, church attendance, etc. I said, "Great, we’ll start tomorrow ", and left it at that.
And I’m not sure whether or not I shared with you all about my son who is incarcerated. When my husband was in ICU, and they were having trouble keeping his blood pressure in a life-sustaining range, I got on the telephone and spoke with some of the jail officials regarding a "deathbed visitation". Thank God we didn’t have to use it at this time. Later on, I spoke gently with my son about the fact that I had checked into such a thing. I was so scared to breach the subject because he is my most vulnerable son regarding bad news, hurtful news. But he answered with a quiet strength. He told me that he understood the situation and that he was praying for his dad every single day. And that I needed to stay strong.
And now, as I was writing this post, one of my sons called me to the front porch to discuss how totally freaked out he was about seeing his dad incoherent on the night that we took him to the hospital. And about how he doesn’t know how he will be able to deal with the pain when he loses his dad. That is certainly a very sad situation for him to be in, but the fact that he came to me to talk to me, and that we could have a 15 to 20 minute conversation about it, was quite amazing.
I don’t know if these things would seem like milestones to some of you, but it seems as though over the last two or three days, I have had amazingly positive interactions with every member of my immediate family.
And I am just so very thankful for it.😊
7 comments posted: Monday, July 11th, 2022
Trying to figure this out
So…I’m having a tough time figuring out how best to help my H at this time.
It is maddening to try to communicate with him most of the time, just in a normal situation. He’s just really wishy-washy with answers like he’s wanting to say the "right thing". I’m guessing that is due in part to his conflict avoidance and also my "irritation at him since "that" day. Honestly, it’s irritating.
But now that his health is a bigger issue, and although I don’t necessarily agree with him, I have promised to support his decisions about his life from here on out.
Right now I am bumfuzzled about his eating and getting out of bed. The last time he was out of the bed for any length of time was June 10 at my great niece’s wedding. He can get up, but lately he gets a little lightheaded and tired pretty quickly.
And now he just doesn’t want to eat much. Today, not at all. I have promise not to push, but honestly I feel as though I should be bringing him meals. But recently I have just ask him to let me know when he wants something to eat and I will bring it to him. And he never asks for anything.
Because he is a non-communicator by choice, I never know if he just agrees with me to avoid the conversation, or doesn’t care.
About once a week I have a sit down conversation with him about what exactly I need to do… Do I need to just not feed him and never push him to get out of the bed? He says no, that I should encourage him to get up and to eat. But he just doesn’t want to.
So it seems that my choices are to encourage him, which may be irritating him, to get up and eat. Or I could just leave him alone and he would do nothing but lay in the bed and get weaker and weaker. My gut tells me that is what he wants, but I’m not confident enough in that belief to take a chance that my backing off could facilitate something that he can’t come back from.
This is definitely uncharted territory. I have experienced it before with my mom when she was at the end of her life. But she was 92 and so the decisions weren’t as impactful for her. If I got it wrong with her, it wouldn’t cost her bed a few short weeks of her life, which she would have preferred, whereas my H could possibly have some good living left if he wants it. I just don’t feel confident in my ability to "read" him anymore.
269 comments posted: Monday, June 27th, 2022
The art (and luck!) of finding a helpful therapist
A response in another thread has gotten me thinking about this issue.
There are two major things (and many smaller ones) that are shared on this site that I am madly envious of. One is when a spouse is truly remorseful, and works independently and cooperatively to resolve issues surrounding their transgressions.
The other is when people talk about how wonderful their therapist is…how they are so helpful, etc
I would love to pick the minds of all of you who have been able to find some answers and/or comfort in IC or MC.
First of all, I guess I wonder if it is skill or just sometimes luck that people are able to find a good match in a therapist when they are in such a state of upheaval about what is happening in their lives. That seems savant or something, to me.
Also, I am wondering about the "connection" aspect of choosing a therapist. I always feel more comfortable with, and more receptive to input from a person with whom I "connect". Is that the way it usually works? Or is it more so just the knowledge/wisdom they impart?
Edited to add: Back when I had the resources for therapy, I was never able to find a fit. And my H and I saw a couple of “famous”, well respected therapists.
22 comments posted: Wednesday, June 22nd, 2022
Do you ever feel like you’re living someone else’s life?
I’m not sure if that title is exactly how I wanted to express what I’m feeling, but it’s the best I can come up with.
In a nutshell, as I see the world, I am basically a conservative type person, was raised a certain way, education was second only to faith and family and being brought up "right". Respectful. Dependable. Responsible. Loyal. A "lady". A "good person".
Being in trouble with the law would fall under the category of "not in the realm of possibility". Promiscuity was not even an option.
So I get how my upbringing sets me up for this.
For some time now, years and years, I have felt as though I am living someone else’s life. That somewhere in the world there must be a radical, mover and shaker, motorcycle riding, covered in tattoos, kind of person, who is living in a cute house with a white picket fence, president of the PTA, with 2.5 kids, and a husband who loves her.
And she is going fricken crazy, too!
It seems to me that my kids have suffered all kinds of trials and tribulations based probably (hopefully) mostly on there conditions at birth due to their birth mothers addictions. Almost exclusively, there "female interests" have been girls/women in abusive situations, addicts, teen mothers without significant others, etc. (It is not my intention WHATSOEVER to demean any of these girls or their situations, I’m just saying it’s different from my experience being raised.)
Last night one of my sons told me that he is "talking to" a girl for a couple of months now who has shared with him that she was raped by her father, has a child by him, and has to do whatever he says because he threatens to take the child away. He told me this at about 1:30 in the morning, and I’ve been thinking about it ever sense.
Last night I told him that was a very serious and horrible situation, that the father would be unable to take her child without any proof that the child belongs to him, and he is refusing to give DNA,
probably to avoid prosecution.And I told him that maybe we could talk about it a little later since it was so late and he had to go to work this morning. And he agreed.
This morning my sister-in-law called about another thing, and so I took the opportunity to explain to her my husband/her brothers situation regarding his health and the potentially life-threatening situation he is in.
My son was INFURIATED. He interrupted the conversation three times to point out a fire, to turn his music up on his phone, and to ask me some silly question. I told him I would speak to him as soon as I was through talking with her.
Now he is angry with me because:
1. I talk on the phone sometimes when I take him to work
2. I should talk on the phone to other people only when I am not with him.
He’s been expressing these things for the last week or so as I speak with a friend on the phone when she is driving to work and driving home from work because the times coincide because she is in a two hour different time zone.
Anyway, this morning I told him that it was rude to interrupt me while I was talking on the phone. He said I should’ve not been talking on the phone when I was driving him to work. I explained that I had not yet found the time to call his dad’s sister and explain her brother/my husbands updated health situation just to keep her informed.
I told him that his behavior was no different than a three-year-old in the backseat trying to get mommy‘s attention when she’s talking to daddy, or something of that nature.
And have I mentioned that 90% of the time that I take him to and from work, 30 minutes each way, he is mute. Just plays on his phone.
I normally don’t say anything, but today I sort of let him see my frustration with the situation.
I do need to say that I think he was expecting us to speak about the situation with his lady friend while on the way to work, although that had not been officially set up.
So today, I’m sitting here wondering where in the world is that woman who has my house and 2.5 "normal" children, and is she ready to change places with me yet?
By the way, full disclosure, I do have four tattoos… So I guess I’m gravitating to the "other side". I still have not however ever ridden a motorcycle and never will! It scares me so!
So, just ignore me… I’m venting here I guess. And making a bit of a funny as well.
Y’all have a great day!
15 comments posted: Tuesday, June 21st, 2022
Does anyone know how “painpaingoaway” is doing?
She and I "clicked" when I first came here and then during a time when I didn’t post as much, I’m assuming she chose to withdraw from the site.
I’ve asked before, and some nice person told me that she was doing well.
I’m not trying to intrude on her privacy, but I sure would love to hear about her again…that she is OK.
4 comments posted: Friday, June 10th, 2022
Damned if we do… Damned if we don’t
You may have read my post about my husband‘s recent hospital stay due to a serious UTI causing sepsis. Yesterday we had a follow up visit with his urologist. We came away feeling like we had been hit in the face with a 2 x 4.
Basically, he said that we are in a "no good solution" phase with my husband‘s health. Having had a spinal cord injury for close to 50 years now, he has experience… lots of experience…with urinary tract infections.
What this doctor is telling us now is that in the future, if my husband gets a urinary tract infection, we have a decision to make…
1) Take a sample to the doctor and get a culture done to identify the bacteria and treat with antibiotics, or
2) Do not treat.
If we choose number one and treat the infection with anabiotic‘s, we are setting up a situation where the bacteria will become resistant to the antibiotics, the more he takes. And he will eventually have a urinary tract infection that no anabiotic will treat, which will almost certainly cause his death.
If we choose number two and do not treat the infection… If we are unable to manage it and get rid of it without antibiotics, that very infection could also cost him his life.
We have been aware of these medical realities for sometime, but it seems as though we are getting closer and closer to one of these inevitabilities.
I guess the reason that it is really a bit of a smack in the face at this point, is that although the doctor did not say it in so many words, he kept apologizing. He kept saying that there are two choices that we can make, and that the outcome is the same whatever we choose. I got the impression that he was very concerned about the type and the amount of anabiotic that my husband was given in this last hospital stay. He seemed to think that this could be a fatal situation for my husband sooner than later.
I guess what I’m looking for is anyone who might have some information / suggestions about alternatives.
My husband and I have spent quite a lot of time with homeopathy/natural alternatives to different health issues. But after our children were mostly grown, and with less financial resources, we have mostly used modern medicine.
I give him probiotics, cranberry pills and vitamin C every day. I take amazingly special care in being as clean as possible without a surgical room when I use a catheter to empty his bladder.
I guess I’m looking for any type of thing… any advice that anyone might have regarding other things that we could do.
I have tried to google a specialist in treatment of patients who are many years post spinal cord injury, but I almost always end up with references to doctors who treat spinal cord injuries in the hospital immediately after the injury, or recently injured people. I can’t even figure out who to go see; a urologist, a physiatrist, or who?
I guess I am resistant to accepting this notion. As you probably can tell by my situation with my husband pertaining to what we have been through in our marriage, I really can’t believe that there is "nothing else that can be done". I have had instances in my life where that perspective did not serve me, and other situations where it has served me very well…the not giving up thing.
The urologist told us that he very much prefers to go the "no antibiotics" route. He says that we can take cultures to him to be tested, but that he really doesn’t want to test them because he "doesn’t want to know". I’m wasn’t sure what that meant, but a friend who is a nurse said that it basically means that since there is no real way to resolve the issue and the impact on his life…no matter which route we go… knowing what the bacteria is wouldn’t change anything.
My husband told me yesterday when we got home from the urologist appointment, that he wants to take the antibiotic route. I asked him if he understood that the next round of anabiotic’s that he takes could possibly cost him his life. He answered "Yes". After a 1 to 2 hour conversation, he held his stance. He was not emotional about it, and didn’t seem to be in denial about the situation. I even asked him, even if our son was not able to get out of jail, and therefore never able to see his dad again, would he still choose using antibiotics and risking resistance to the point of a costing him his life. "Yes". When I asked why he had arrived at that decision, without pause, he responded, "Quality of life." And in truth, either route we take could have the same result.
There is no doubt that whatever he decides while being clear minded, which he is at this time, I will totally implement if he’s unable to, whether or not I agree. I’m pretty sure he trusts that fact.
But in my mind I’m going back to the homeopathic doctor and to anything I can find that might help with the smaller urinary tract infections. The ones that would not take such dramatic antibiotics.
I’m just looking for something more. And this is such an invaluable site with people having so many experiences, I thought maybe I could find some help.
Respectfully I am requesting that my situation resulting in me being on this site, and comments I have made regarding troubles between my H and I, or things I have come here complaining about, not be discussed on this particular topic. This is simply a wife hoping for some kind of insight into something that I haven’t thought about yet, that could give us an upper hand in this horrible situation.
I request that it be truly "off topic".
Thanks so much.
29 comments posted: Thursday, June 9th, 2022
Medical Peeps...questions re sepsis
My H is in the hospital with sepsis.
Yes, I have broken the "common sense" rule and read online. It’s scary. He is not in ICU or anything, and they say he will be getting IV antibiotics for at least 2 more days. Making a total of 3 1/2 days in the hospital if all goes well. There is tons of infection in his foley.
A long story short...Urine looked clear till Wednesday. I took a sample to the dr for lab work and culture. Friday had a red face and abdominal pain. BP was REALLY high...242/134, 208/127, 227/128, 228/131, etc. Heart rate 82, 102, 100, 109, 87...etc. Mostly no symptoms other than red face and abdominal pain, but H can’t know exactly where in abdomen. Physicians asst. from dr office, the on call dr on Saturday, and hospice nurse/administrator all said to trust the symptoms, and not the numbers. Said they didn’t trust the BP numbers without stroke/heart symptoms like confusion, impaired speech/vision, etc. Finally Sat. afternoon he got a headache and was shivering so I just brought him to the ER.
Triage nurse said he had dangerously LOW blood pressure, high heart rate (159) and fever. He was diagnosed with sepsis.
I wanted to know what all I need to ask the hospitalist. We do not have results from the CT scan or bloodwork, other than a nurse slipping us a bit of info. He said there was infection all the way into the ureters / kidneys, and there are kidney cysts. Here are some of the questions I have. Can you tell me if they make sense?
-Does that mean he has kidney cysts and also, by the way, sepsis, or were the cysts caused by the sepsis?
-The online stages of sepsis...mild, severe, and shock...will they be able to know about that now? Do the answers come from the bloodwork?
-How can I catch this earlier next time? Hoping my niece/nurse can teach me to do a manual BP. (The Walgreens cuff doesn’t work so well due to my H’s contracture in his arms.)
-I screwed up by raising his head when his face started getting red. You know, "If the face is red, raise the head...". So, I guess that’s not always accurate? I guess a little knowledge really IS a dangerous thing. 😟😏
-Should we go back to using a new catheter every time? After insurance, it’s over $600 per month. Urologist told us it was not necessary, as long as I cleaned them properly.
-Should I consider a foley? I’ve always thought a continuous open line was a greater risk of infiltration / infection than intermittent cathing. Urologist supports intermittent cathing.
-Anything else I need to ask doctors?
12 comments posted: Sunday, May 22nd, 2022
I’m really down these days
1 out of 3 of my kids bothered to tell me Happy Mother’s Day yesterday.
(The one that is incarcerated.)
I went to visit my grand baby yesterday. I haven’t seen him since Christmas...one or the other of us has been sick. He was 2 in February. When he saw me yesterday, he started sobbing, ran into his room and hid behind his door. 😞
I saw my son for the first time in 6 months. On a video call from jail. It was good to see him in real time, but so hurtful, too. And it hasn’t helped that I have been watching "Jail" on TV.
My H goes in on Wednesday to get a skin cancer removed.
His urine has been turning weird colors. 😯. I’ll send in a sample.
The thing that is killing me right now is my "relationship " with my H. I have chosen to stay with him to take care of him. But it is getting to where I am so angry ALL THE TIME. He will ask for tons of water late in the evening, then is waking me up every 1 1/2 - 2 hours to pee all night long. Then he sleeps all day while I have things to do, or I just can’t sleep.
He says he wants me to take care of him, but treats me like a slave. When I went to a funeral out of town last month, he did not do that to his sister the whole 5 days she was taking care of him. Also, he simply won’t talk to me. It’s like I’m not a person. And when I confront him about it, and ask him why, he says, "I don’t know". I’m so angry. Just so angry.
He has begun to talk with his nephew for lllooonnnggg periods time on the phone. This is a nephew who tore up 2 of our homes while we were letting him live there. I had to pay about $75,000 to renovate them in order to be able to sell them. He also used to call me and tell me how women loved him so much cause he could "go all night". I told my husband about it, and he had nothing to say. One time I left my mother-in-law‘s home. He came out to the van and asked where I thought I was going. I told him that I was taking my son away and I wanted him to stay away from him. He told me there was nothing that I could do to keep him away from my son and he can say whatever he wanted to to him. He’s a drug addict and an alcoholic and mentally ill. And my husband would not say a word against him for $1 million, even if it meant "choosing" him over me.
His mother, my H’s sister, comes to us from time to time to ask for money. She doesn’t work and is somewhat disabled, but she owns a two lot property with a home on it in our hometown, and where she lives a couple of hours away, she has 20 acres of property. But she doesn’t want to sell any of that. So she comes to us for money.
I know we will never be "married" again, but why can’t their be some kind of kindness to get through this situation??? I will ask him when he calls me into the room in the middle of the night, could you please tell me everything that you need so that I won’t have to get up so often. He doesn’t answer me. Then when I go back into the adjoining room to try to lie down and sleep some more, he will ask me to please turn him. Then I go back and lie down for three minutes and then he calls me back in to please get some more water, or to take the blanket off of him, or to put the blanket on him. Or to hand him the remote.
I am getting so angry with him I’ve been saying mean things. I can’t imagine that there could be any type of relationship with him except some kind of kindness, and some kind of recognition on his part that I am a person of worth..
Recently, I happened upon a song/blessing I heard that really touched me. It mirrored exactly what I thought was what he needed at this point. So I asked our ministers from our church to come in and give him a blessing. Then I ask the ministers from the church where he grew up which is a different faith, to come in and do an anointing. Both times the blessing was in regards to him deciding to make an effort in life, rather than just laying in the bed EVERY day, ALL day. He was ok with getting the blessings.
Since the blessings… No change whatsoever. But yesterday he asked me if I would please take him to eat out with a friend from his high school. I told him I would take him whereever he wanted me to. But that wasn’t enough. I also have to stay in case he needs some help. Like with eating and cutting food and things like that. So I will stay because he indeed is unable to cut his food, etc.
But I have to be honest. I no longer trust him at all. He knew I was very angry that he was spending so much time on the phone with that nephew. There have been times in our lives that he has turned over a small business to his nephew to run so that he would have an opportunity to succeed in his business life. WITHOUT TELLING ME. And he always runs them into the ground. And when my husband says to him that he can’t help him every month with a supplementary check because the business isnt paying for itself, the nephew says, "then I’ll just go back to selling drugs."
Now, I’m scared to death that my husband will change the beneficiaries on his life insurance policy from me and our children to giving this nephew and God knows who else some of the life insurance policy. I have already told him that if he gives his nephew one more penny of the money that should be given to our children and inherited by our children, that I will leave him no questions asked.
But I have no idea where I would go or how I would live.
I feel like a slave in my own home. I am so upset and angry all the time that I have even become angry lately with my deceased parents, for raising me in such a way that I feel like I want to do the right thing and take care of him at this point in his life. How screwed up is that???
I’m afraid now something is really wrong with me.
I could use some points of view.
28 comments posted: Monday, May 9th, 2022
Getting overwhelmed with keeping up
Because of my life at this particular time, I am popping in and out of this site whenever I can, but sometimes it is a few days before I can get back. As a result, if I was participating or at least reading a certain topic on a certain forum, by the time I come back to it, often there are pages and pages that I have not yet read.
That’s perfectly fine.
What is a really frustrating is that I can’t remember from one topic to the next, what page it was on when I last read/posted.
So basically, I am re-reading page after page after page so that I will see the full picture.
Is there someway on this particular site, unknown to my infant-like understanding of technology, that I can know where I stopped reading when I go back to it?
I am certainly not suggesting that this is something that needs to be available if it is not already. I’m guessing MH and everyone who works so hard to make this site so wonderful have plenty on their hands to do.
But I just thought there might be something in place that I don’t know about that could help me.
3 comments posted: Tuesday, March 22nd, 2022
Please...I need legal “advice”
I have posted that my son was arrested in November for stealing a car. He is currently in our county jail.
He is also awaiting federal bank robbery charges...grand jury supposedly meeting within the next 2-4 weeks.
I need help. So much help.
Right now, his lawyer regarding the car theft, keeps bumping the court date out while they wait on the grand jury. He tells me that is so that while in federal prison, he would be able (probably) to serve the sentences concurrently. But if the car theft comes first, they would probably have to be served consecutively.
I asked his lawyer...a person I trust, if I should get a private attorney, or just have the court appointed attorney. He is not a federal attorney, but he said that on the federal level, things are implemented so tightly, that on a pretty cut and dry case, the court appointed attorney would probably do the same job as a private attorney. He also mentioned that federal attorneys are SOOOO expensive. I know my son will be going to prison, but if putting some money in a private lawyer could take considerable time off his sentences, it would be worth it. But would it make a difference? How can I know? Who do I ask?
Should I be making a decision about court appointed vs private lawyer NOW, or wait till the grand jury meets/decides? Or is this something my son has to do himself?
He says if they offer him a deal, he would rather accept that for less time than risk a longer sentence. Is that smart?
Also, who determines the length of the sentence? DA? Judge?
And are there any extenuating circumstances that the court / DA will consider when determining sentencing?
My son is biracial, which worries me enough with regard to sentencing.
His issues have included adoption, being born addicted to crack, a concussion at age 5 that permanently changed his affect, drug addiction, and documented behavioral/psychological issues (seeing a neuropsychologist every 2 years from age 4 - 16).
Do DAs give a shit about any of that, as in...would it be a consideration regarding sentencing?
My son told me recently that he has talked to people (fellow inmates) and thinks that for a non violent first federal offense, with a total of $200 money taken, that he expects a 3-5 year sentence.
I called a police officer friend to see if he could go visit my son before they came to get him after grand jury, and he said he thought the sentence would be much longer.
So, I am freaking out. I have been pretty sick for a couple of weeks. Im not sure if it’s some strain of COVID,or just a upper respiratory infection. My H has nothing to say/share about the whole situation with my son.....I mean NOT A WORD.
Yesterday, after my friend told me to prepare myself for a longer sentence, and feeling so horrible already, I have just been crying non stop.
If he gets 10 years or something, I know that my H won’t live that long. And I know how that will simply kill my son if he loses one of us while he is inside. I’m trying to think of all the reasons why I need to live, But they are all for someone else...take care of my H, etc.
Don’t get me wrong...I am NOT suicidal. I have strong feelings regarding taking my own life and that is simply not an option for me. But I sure do wish sometimes that I could just not wake up one morning.
Anyway...can someone unofficially help me understand how all this works, and what I need to be doing?
20 comments posted: Tuesday, February 15th, 2022
Feds picked up my sons case
He went to court today just to have the case "bound over" or something. But his lawyer said that the FBI picked up his case. Looks like he is looking at at least 5 years. At 100%.
I’m just sitting here sobbing, trying to make every plan possible to keep me and my husband alive till he gets out.
It’s my understanding that when he leaves county jail and goes to prison, he could be sent anywhere in the whole country.
What if I never get to see him again?
12 comments posted: Thursday, January 27th, 2022
So, my H has squamous cell carcinoma 😢
The dermatologist just called. We went earlier this week -like 3 days ago, and he did a biopsy of the growth on his side. They told us it would take up to two weeks to get results. But they called this morning.
I’m not sure if that quick response should scare me even more.
So they didn’t really tell me much about the significance of this diagnosis.
We go in again on March 3rd (that seems like too long to wait to me) to have the whole thing removed.
She told me that there shouldn’t be any need for chemotherapy.
Anyone have experience with this?
7 comments posted: Friday, January 14th, 2022
Tush & other medical professionals?????
My granddaughter who has just yesterday been diagnosed to have Covid, has exhibited a fever (high at times) and a stuffy nose with an occasional nosebleed.
Tonight her mother noticed that her eyes are a little bloodshot. And she texted me to ask that I contact my niece (nurse) to ask about MIS-C.
Can somebody please tell me about MIS- C and what all it involves, because what I have read on Google is terrifying.
This can’t be happening.
1 comment posted: Monday, January 3rd, 2022
C O V I D Exposure question
I have been sick for 2-3 weeks...same thing I get every year when winter arrives. Stuffy nose, cough, tired and weak. Haven’t even been to the doctor.
Since Christmas Eve, my grand baby’s mother (who stays with us sometimes for several days at a time) has has the same symptoms, but her chest congestion is much worse...coughing up nasty stuff.
So today she gets tested, and is positive. 😢
She called me crying. She was concerned about me and my sister, but mostly about my husband. I tried to calm her and tell her we would get through this, and that, who knows, I might have had a light case and given it to her. This seemed to help.
I took groceries / meds to her apartment tonight, and she has called me a couple of times with questions.
The thing that is scaring me most is that my grandbaby is with her. She called the pediatrician and asked what to do, He said not even to bother having her tested. They said that either she had Covid already, and it was just without symptoms, oh she would be getting it. And that there was no need to have her tested… That she should just carry-on as if she did already have it.
I am suffering from a huge case of guilt about this. I want her to be at my house so I can take care of her. And if she doesn’t come, I want the grandbaby to come and be with me. But I have to be doubly careful about my husband. Am I doing wrong? What should I do?
In addition to this, my oldest has really hurt my feelings. When I asked him if he had heard about her having Covid, he said yes. I told him that we were going to have to be very careful while we were quarantined, and that I needed for him to wear his mask whenever he was inside the house… Outside of his bedroom. He simply answered, "oh, no, I won’t be doing that." I told him that I was nearly 70 years old and his dad’s disability made us high risk. Nothing.
So now we are self imposing quarantine in our own home...staying only in 2 rooms in the house.
He makes me very sad that he cares so little for us that he won’t be inconvenienced by wearing a mask when he’s in the common areas of the house.
But, putting all of that aside, is there no way I can bring her back over to my house and take care of her and the baby without endangering my husband?
10 comments posted: Tuesday, December 28th, 2021
How do I decide whether or not to post bail?
My son, the one who is in so much trouble (out on bond) for robbing a bank… He was arrested last night for stealing a car a few days back. He called me from the room where he was talking to the detective. He was completely hysterical.
He just kept asking me, "Mom, do you think there’s any hope for me? Is there anything good inside of me?" I thought I might die.
He called back a couple of hours later and said that his bond had been tripled, because he committed this offense while he was on bail for another offense. His bond is now set at $111,000, so posting bail would be $11,000.
We have it, but would be taking money out of our savings that is supposed to be for the rest of our lives. Also, I have to think what would happen if he decided he was too scared to show up in court, and we had to pay the full $111,000.
I know it is probably ridiculous for me to post this. I know that probably 100% of any responses will say that I should not post bail for any reason. That I’m a hopeless enabler, and that I am hurting him.
He says he stole a car because he got into fight with his girlfriend, and she asked him to leave. And he has just gotten a good job and he’s so excited about being able to work hard and provide for his son and family. He’s wanting so badly to prove to everyone that he can be a better person.
But I also know that he tends to panic, And make bad choices.
While we were talking to him from jail earlier this evening, I put his father on the phone, because I was feeling like I was going to get hysterically upset. After talking to my husband for a little bit, my son started getting upset. I needed to leave the room for a minute and told him he needed to talk to his dad. I could hear him tell his father that he didn’t want to talk to him, that he would rather talk to me. He said that he knew that his dad didnt mind him staying in jail.
When I heard that, I stormed into the room and told him that he would not talk to his father in that way.
He kept calling me and calling me back from the jail. When I finally answered, I went off on him. What an unkind thing for me to do. While he is at one of the all-time lows in his life, I should have not done it. But I told him that I would not tolerate him talking to his dad in that way. I told him that he might choose to treat his father that way, but I was not going to allow him to treat my husband that way. He kept talking, so I hung up on him.
After I finish speaking to my son, I went in and yelled at my husband for a while. I told him that I would give ANYTHING in the world to have someone stand up for me like I just did it for him to our son. Crickets.
Come morning, he will be calling me again… Several times a minute if I don’t answer. He is more scared and more upset than I have ever known him to be. He keeps talking about his son. He keeps saying that if they give him a lot of years in jail, that he won’t get to see your son and he doesn’t think he can live through that.
He tells me he will do anything. There is a program in our town called a "man of valor" that is a residential facility for men involved with trouble with the law. Even said that he wants to go there. He wants to do better. But he panics when he thinks that he can’t be the man that he wants to be.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I can value money over my son. But I also don’t know how I can risk a big chunk of our savings/investments when I know that he is panicking.He panics about going to court and facing his punishment for these things, I’m afraid he might decide to flee.
If he goes to jail for years, it is very possible that he won’t have two parents when he gets out.
I’m just so very scared.
35 comments posted: Wednesday, December 1st, 2021
I think my son may have to go to jail for many years
...and I’m not sure this is a hill I can climb.
I don’t even know all the facts, because he doesn’t want to talk about it. But if I am reading him right, and interpreting the bits and pieces that I am hearing from him correctly, he actually tried to rob a bank.
He told me that his lawyer told him that he could get 8 to 10 years if they could prove that he was armed. And more like 2 to 5 years if he was not armed. I don’t even know if he was armed. This is something that happened years ago. Until last night I was under the impression that it’s because he took a bogus check that he says he got in the mail to the bank to cash it and they refused to cash it and kept the check. But now I’m getting the impression that there was more to it.
My first focus is on my son...that means he will be perhaps middle aged when he gets out. He will miss years and years out of his baby’s life. (This happened before the birth of his son.). He has been in a terrible place lately. When he is angry or upset he curses me and tells me the many ways I have been a bad mother, and how I am responsible for all of the mistakes in his life… Well, mostly the ones with his relationships. And when he is in a better place mentally and emotionally, he sobs and tells me what a good mother I was and how he could never repay his father and I, and that he’s so dissatisfied with his life. But even though I’ve offered to pay for it, he won’t see a counselor.
I have to selfishly admit that this is a hill that I don’t think I can climb. I am getting older, and if he is convicted, I could possibly never see him in person again. And I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t see his dad again either.
Court is it for another 2 to 3 weeks. I want him to go to court, because no matter the consequences, I want him to be able to have a fresh start at some point in his life. Not to mention, I would love not to have to pay $19,000 bond money if he doesn’t show. But wouldn’t you think, If someone bailed out of jail for a charge like possible armed robbery of a bank, that the bond would be far more than $20,000?
I’m trying very hard to hold it together. I’ve been eating nonstop all day because I’m so nervous I don’t know what to do. Trying to figure out how to go about my life if my baby it’s going to be in jail possibly for the rest of my life.
Please pray for us… If you pray.
And in lieu of prayers, please send all of the positive energy you possibly can.
32 comments posted: Saturday, October 9th, 2021
I’m scared for my kids
I knew it was going to be hard.
When we first adopted our kids, we knew it was going to be a challenge. With their birth mothers being alcoholics and drug addicts, we knew there would be issues. Took them to a relatively famous neuropsychologist and got diagnoses that indicated there would be challenges.
Every now and then I am cautiously optimistic that they are growing into some level of normalcy.
My oldest (29) has a 3 yr old daughter. He and the mother are not "together" at this point. He told me the other day very calmly that he understood that they were not together, even though he wishes they were, and that they might never be. But he just had to make the best of it for their daughter. Fairly mature, right? Especially when considering his fetal alcohol issues.
Then, the other day, he finds out that she is dating one of his oldest and closest friends. He is beside himself. Says things like he doesn’t want her to ever be allowed to come to the house again. The problem is, that his child’s mother is very special to me now, after being in our lives for 3 1/2 years. He has told me this before… That he doesn’t want her allowed in our home, but I refuse to agree to it because she is part of my family now. This time he asks me if I would be willing to have her not be in the house when he is home… Because he lives here. So I spoke to her and we have all agreed that she and the baby will spend time with us on days when she is off from work or on days when she goes in late, while my son is away from the house at work.
Tonight she had to work late, so the baby is staying here. When my son comes home he immediately jumps into the daddy role and helps her have some supper, and a bath, and plays and watches TV with her. I left them alone so he could have some one-on-one time with his daughter.
I got a phone call from the mama who is in tears. She says that when she goes to pick up the baby, he wants to "talk" which usually means to badger her about her doing something he doesn’t want her to do, or trying to talk her into being a couple again. Long story short, because she wouldn’t talk about it, he ends up kicking her car and saying something about wishing she would die. All of this is in front of their three-year-old child. Through tears, she was explaining to me on the phone that their daughter was asking her, "Mommy, why did daddy kick the car?"
My first response is to feel so badly for the baby… She can’t understand this and none of this is her fault or her choosing. Then I felt terrible for her mother. She has issues with anxiety, and understandably so, due to some of her past, and she is completely torn up about the situation. But I’m also worried about my son. His temper and his impulsivity. After I got off the phone with her, I went into the room to pick up toys or whatever… Really to just check on my son. He comes in the room talking about how horrible it is that she is dating his "ex" friend. He says, "you know what the worst part of it is?" I answer, "the worst part is that you kicked her mothers car and said you wish she would die in front of your daughter!"
I know there’s nothing I can do to change this. But I can’t get him to see a counselor. And these outbursts most often are just a momentary thing, and in about 15 minutes he realizes how wrong what he did was, and feels terrible about it.
The youngest son is going through a very similar situation, and my middle son just drinks and sits out in the yard in his truck listening to music and videos on his phone.
We have had them since they were 7 months, 1 year, and 2 days old respectively.
Tonight, I really thought I was going to have some sort of breakdown. So I just took off walking around the block. Just left all of them at the house, and left my H who just got home from a 9 day hospital stay. I don’t do that much because I broke my hip 10 months ago and it’s not really feeling fabulous enough to go for long walks.
But I went anyway. It seemed to be a pretty good distance. My mind was spinning and when I started paying attention to where I was, it was pitch dark and I had no idea where I was. Turns out I was just a few streets over from my house and I quickly found my way home. The very strange thing was that I had no fear. None. And that bothered me because it made me think I wasn’t concerned for my safety.
Anyway, I don’t know how to proceed from here. I certainly don’t want them to cause emotional stress for their children, and I don’t want them in jail for damaging property like kicking in the car. But also, I just want them to have a good lives.
So, I know there’s nothing to be done really. 😢
But thanks so much for listening.
7 comments posted: Thursday, September 30th, 2021
I’ve missed y’all!
Sorry, I double posted this new topic. I don’t even know how I did that.
1 comment posted: Saturday, September 25th, 2021
I’ve missed y’all!
It’s been a hard few months since I’ve been here regularly. I’ve missed y’all.
I never got to go on my trip. If you remember, I was traveling to visit my friend across country for 12 days. I really thought if I could get there, the time away would be like a reboot, healing, rejuvenating experience. I even had my H’s sister coming to take care of him.
Well, of course, I didn’t get to go. The uptick in COVID, and then my friend I was traveling to see - you guessed it - got COVID.
Since then, all of my sons seem to have issues, and right now I’m spending my 6th night in the hospital with my H. A minute ago my friend - who seems to be recouping well - called to tell me her exH - her son’s father - died tonight. Of COVID. She is so sad for her son.
I’m not coping well.
I need to get a counselor, but I have never had any luck before. I need to figure out a way to relate to my family. To accept the way it is going to be, and learn to relate / interact in as healthy a way as possible.
I’m trying. To be positive. To be loving, for example, with my sons, yet resolved to stand up for myself. To not be overwhelmed with all that seems to go wrong. Right now my youngest son ran out of gas on the way home. If I leave the hospital I can’t get back in till morning, and I need to be here with my H. My son left to drive to a nearby town with low gas, and texted to say he was out of gas on the side of the interstate. I told him to call my sister and she would bring him some gas. He said no...that he would just walk...and that it was my fault. Long story. So I’m sitting here worried about him not getting home safely.
Anyway, I just wanted to get back in touch with y’all...touch base. You always make me feel better somehow.
To all of you who have had positivity in your lives, I celebrate with you. And for all the struggles, lots of prayers / good energy sent your way.
Like I said...I’ve missed y’all.
9 comments posted: Friday, September 24th, 2021
Can hypothyroidism just “become” hyperthyroidism?
I have been taking Armour Thyroid for years now. I have had thyroid biopsies, and have had ultrasounds yearly for bilateral “goiters”… (Has to be a better term for that!)
Anyway, went to the doctor on Tuesday, and yesterday they called read me the results of my blood work up. Most things were within range and just fine. Cholesterol a bit high but I can work on that.
My TSH was on the low side, but within the range.
My T4 score was also on the low side, but within the range.
But here’s the kicker… My T3 scores were outside the range on the HIGH side.
My doctor does not work on Fridays and so he was unavailable to walk me through the meanings of these numbers. I have searched online and high TSH and low T4/T3 indicate hypothyroidism. On the other hand, low TSH and high T4/T3 indicate hyperthyroidism.
But there is no discussion of what it means if the TSH and T4 are low, but the T3 is high. And I mean on the outside of the range. The only thing I found was some mention about an issue in the hypothalamus in the brain.
Any smart people out there who have a clue what I’m talking about??? Because I certainly don’t!
[This message edited by WhatsRight at 8:56 AM, July 24th (Saturday)]
7 comments posted: Saturday, July 24th, 2021
Downside of anonymity
The post about the passing of MissesJai has me thinking...
I think of this sometimes. Especially when someone doesn’t post for a while. Are they OK? It’s something really hard happening in their life, or are they sick or have they perhaps passed?
I love y’all dearly, and you have been so kind to me - I actually feel very close to some of you.
But due to the anonymity here, how do we ever find out when we have lost an SI friend?
Noone knows about me being on this site except my H, and he would never think to notify y’all if something happened to me.
I could leave information with someone, but that would mean
they would have access to my posts...and no one knows about my H’s “choices”. And that’s the way I want it to stay.
I sometimes see a “shout out” to check on someone...but if no one on the site knows- it is just a mystery.
It’s really sad, because there are a few individuals I have really missed lately, but there is just no way to know if they are OK.
[This message edited by WhatsRight at 8:09 AM, July 24th (Saturday)]
2 comments posted: Saturday, July 24th, 2021
A dramatic word...but the closest one I have found to what I’m feeling.
My H is doing great pain wise...from a steady 6-8 to a 2-3. And yet mentally, emotionally, and physically he is not making any effort. The stimulator and the reduced pain level, I think, were unofficial benchmarks for moving forward in my mind. But... nothing. He won’t even put his dentures in. Just watches tv, then stares into space when I’m in the room.
My sons still struggle, but there is one that is really frightening me at this time. He can’t seem to catch a break. Car wreck, hospitalization, lost jobs, etc. So he feels hopeless. Today he hit a new low in trying to get money fraudulently. I ask him to leave our home… Where he was staying temporarily for him and his girlfriend to work some things out. I am scared out of my mind that he’s lying his way through life is without remorse and permanently. My heart is broken.
I can imagine that there will be a few thoughts / comments about codependency- but my family is my world, and I’m just so very sad - despondent.
I don’t see anything changing. I’m going to be doing this from now on. I’m never going to get a positive response toward me from my H, and I’m not going to live to see my sons become men of character.
I’m just so sad about it all.
[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:38 PM, July 20th (Tuesday)]
8 comments posted: Tuesday, July 20th, 2021
I need advice...maybe a book???
My sister is really struggling.
Her health is not great, she has just had her 2nd knee replacement and is a mess.
She came over the other day and shared with me all of these awful feelings of inferiority and condemnation from our childhood.
She feels that me and our older sister were superior to her in every way. (A total joke by the way - except that she feels it is true).
Her feelings of inferiority are expressed in situations like if a friend doesn’t call her for an extended period of time, she worries day and night about what she did to upset them, and what she can do to fix it.
And on and on.
She finally told me that she has been on this sleep medicine for 5 years, and that she has recently stopped taking it abruptly because she is sleeping better. She failed to share that it was also medicine for depression. Her PCP said the feelings she was having were most probably due to that.
She also said she has been seeing this ghost in her house, very clearly, but that her very high strung dog doesn’t seem to notice. PCP also told her that hallucinations could be attributed to the way she stopped her meds.
Anyway, she asked me what she should do. I suggested she follow the drs instructions about going back on the meds and perhaps being weaned off later if appropriate. I also suggested a counselor, AND maybe a book to help her get a different perspective regarding her worth/value.
I mean, “Who is John Galt?”
Anyway, any suggestions for a book and/or type of counselor?
11 comments posted: Saturday, June 5th, 2021
How do I “accept” cookies?
My phone tells me each time I go to log in that I must have cookies.
There is only one response, and that is to “x out”.
But I’m guessing that doesn’t do it.
Help please. I just don’t know how to “accept cookies”
6 comments posted: Tuesday, December 22nd, 2020
Could we...is it possible if...
...we could combine “Saturday night party time” with “SPF”???
I could use the laughs!
[This message edited by WhatsRight at 3:51 PM, September 16th (Wednesday)]
4 comments posted: Wednesday, September 16th, 2020
Help understanding synchronized devices
I know absolutely nothing about technology.
That being said, someone showed me how to sync my iPad and my iPhone. I know that if I text someone on my iPhone, it also pops up on my iPad. They are both in “the cloud“ whatever that means.
I loaned my iPad to my son, and now he says he doesn’t know where it is. I’m not sure what to think about this. He could be lying of course. Or maybe he just lost it.
Either way, I’m concerned that people will be able to see what I text and what I search and perhaps even my posts on this site… Whatever I do on my phone.
I’m guessing a stranger would have to have my password to get on it… But I gave my password to my son. And he would definitely be the one that I would not want to read the things I have said on this site to you good folks.
Is this true?
[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:59 AM, September 7th (Monday)]
5 comments posted: Monday, September 7th, 2020
Happy Birthday WhatsRight !!!!!!!!!!
6 comments posted: Thursday, June 25th, 2020
Are there ever any G2Gs in the Southeast?
That's pretty much it.
3 comments posted: Friday, August 30th, 2019
User names I hate to use
I really like this woman! I just can't write it. So I use "MOB".
Once you feel a certain connection with people, it's hard for me to use some of the names.
No disrespect intended.
Any of you have any others?
11 comments posted: Sunday, August 13th, 2017
Trouble logging on to SI website
Anyone know why I would be having trouble logging onto this site from my iPad? I have no problems logging in with my iphone.
Also, even though I clear all history each time, 'surviving infidelity' pops up every time I turn my phone on in 'bookmarks' and top picks & history.
I want there to be no trace of it in the event one of my kids borrows my phone and googles something starting with 's'.
3 comments posted: Sunday, July 9th, 2017