Newest Member: WhatnowH


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

I’m really down these days

1 out of 3 of my kids bothered to tell me Happy Mother’s Day yesterday.

(The one that is incarcerated.)

I went to visit my grand baby yesterday. I haven’t seen him since or the other of us has been sick. He was 2 in February. When he saw me yesterday, he started sobbing, ran into his room and hid behind his door. 😞

I saw my son for the first time in 6 months. On a video call from jail. It was good to see him in real time, but so hurtful, too. And it hasn’t helped that I have been watching "Jail" on TV.

My H goes in on Wednesday to get a skin cancer removed.

His urine has been turning weird colors. 😯. I’ll send in a sample.

The thing that is killing me right now is my "relationship " with my H. I have chosen to stay with him to take care of him. But it is getting to where I am so angry ALL THE TIME. He will ask for tons of water late in the evening, then is waking me up every 1 1/2 - 2 hours to pee all night long. Then he sleeps all day while I have things to do, or I just can’t sleep.

He says he wants me to take care of him, but treats me like a slave. When I went to a funeral out of town last month, he did not do that to his sister the whole 5 days she was taking care of him. Also, he simply won’t talk to me. It’s like I’m not a person. And when I confront him about it, and ask him why, he says, "I don’t know". I’m so angry. Just so angry.

He has begun to talk with his nephew for lllooonnnggg periods time on the phone. This is a nephew who tore up 2 of our homes while we were letting him live there. I had to pay about $75,000 to renovate them in order to be able to sell them. He also used to call me and tell me how women loved him so much cause he could "go all night". I told my husband about it, and he had nothing to say. One time I left my mother-in-law‘s home. He came out to the van and asked where I thought I was going. I told him that I was taking my son away and I wanted him to stay away from him. He told me there was nothing that I could do to keep him away from my son and he can say whatever he wanted to to him. He’s a drug addict and an alcoholic and mentally ill. And my husband would not say a word against him for $1 million, even if it meant "choosing" him over me.

His mother, my H’s sister, comes to us from time to time to ask for money. She doesn’t work and is somewhat disabled, but she owns a two lot property with a home on it in our hometown, and where she lives a couple of hours away, she has 20 acres of property. But she doesn’t want to sell any of that. So she comes to us for money.

I know we will never be "married" again, but why can’t their be some kind of kindness to get through this situation??? I will ask him when he calls me into the room in the middle of the night, could you please tell me everything that you need so that I won’t have to get up so often. He doesn’t answer me. Then when I go back into the adjoining room to try to lie down and sleep some more, he will ask me to please turn him. Then I go back and lie down for three minutes and then he calls me back in to please get some more water, or to take the blanket off of him, or to put the blanket on him. Or to hand him the remote.

I am getting so angry with him I’ve been saying mean things. I can’t imagine that there could be any type of relationship with him except some kind of kindness, and some kind of recognition on his part that I am a person of worth..

Recently, I happened upon a song/blessing I heard that really touched me. It mirrored exactly what I thought was what he needed at this point. So I asked our ministers from our church to come in and give him a blessing. Then I ask the ministers from the church where he grew up which is a different faith, to come in and do an anointing. Both times the blessing was in regards to him deciding to make an effort in life, rather than just laying in the bed EVERY day, ALL day. He was ok with getting the blessings.

Since the blessings… No change whatsoever. But yesterday he asked me if I would please take him to eat out with a friend from his high school. I told him I would take him whereever he wanted me to. But that wasn’t enough. I also have to stay in case he needs some help. Like with eating and cutting food and things like that. So I will stay because he indeed is unable to cut his food, etc.

But I have to be honest. I no longer trust him at all. He knew I was very angry that he was spending so much time on the phone with that nephew. There have been times in our lives that he has turned over a small business to his nephew to run so that he would have an opportunity to succeed in his business life. WITHOUT TELLING ME. And he always runs them into the ground. And when my husband says to him that he can’t help him every month with a supplementary check because the business isnt paying for itself, the nephew says, "then I’ll just go back to selling drugs."

Now, I’m scared to death that my husband will change the beneficiaries on his life insurance policy from me and our children to giving this nephew and God knows who else some of the life insurance policy. I have already told him that if he gives his nephew one more penny of the money that should be given to our children and inherited by our children, that I will leave him no questions asked.

But I have no idea where I would go or how I would live.

I feel like a slave in my own home. I am so upset and angry all the time that I have even become angry lately with my deceased parents, for raising me in such a way that I feel like I want to do the right thing and take care of him at this point in his life. How screwed up is that???

I’m afraid now something is really wrong with me.

I could use some points of view.

28 comments posted: Monday, May 9th, 2022

Getting overwhelmed with keeping up

Because of my life at this particular time, I am popping in and out of this site whenever I can, but sometimes it is a few days before I can get back. As a result, if I was participating or at least reading a certain topic on a certain forum, by the time I come back to it, often there are pages and pages that I have not yet read.

That’s perfectly fine.

What is a really frustrating is that I can’t remember from one topic to the next, what page it was on when I last read/posted.

So basically, I am re-reading page after page after page so that I will see the full picture.

Is there someway on this particular site, unknown to my infant-like understanding of technology, that I can know where I stopped reading when I go back to it?

I am certainly not suggesting that this is something that needs to be available if it is not already. I’m guessing MH and everyone who works so hard to make this site so wonderful have plenty on their hands to do.

But I just thought there might be something in place that I don’t know about that could help me.

Any ideas?

3 comments posted: Tuesday, March 22nd, 2022

My 13th D-Day

So, yesterday was my 16th d-day.

Well, tbh it is not the day I discovered the infidelity. I was in the bed with mono, and I honestly don’t know the exact day I found out. I was pretty much out of my mind.

It is the day he actually did the deed. March 9, 2006. About the same time he was trying to get a loan for our dream home. 😔

Anyway, I am writing this to offer my experience as an encouragement for you to not go down the road I chose.

If you choose to stay, be sure to work damn hard to move past the grief/pain/hate. Actually put it behind you and move forward in healing.

And if you cannot move past it, take the steps to get out.

Don’t blink your eyes and 16 years later still be in a place of no healing regarding the whole mess.

I’m happy that my kids were spared the tough situation of a family splitting up.

I’m proud that I provided the opportunity for my H to work hard and for us to move past it.

But I have been through misery - as all of us have.

On second thought, don’t make any life decisions based on my pathetic musings. I’m just feeling so lost today.

6 comments posted: Thursday, March 10th, 2022

Please...I need legal “advice”

I have posted that my son was arrested in November for stealing a car. He is currently in our county jail.

He is also awaiting federal bank robbery charges...grand jury supposedly meeting within the next 2-4 weeks.

I need help. So much help.

Right now, his lawyer regarding the car theft, keeps bumping the court date out while they wait on the grand jury. He tells me that is so that while in federal prison, he would be able (probably) to serve the sentences concurrently. But if the car theft comes first, they would probably have to be served consecutively.

I asked his lawyer...a person I trust, if I should get a private attorney, or just have the court appointed attorney. He is not a federal attorney, but he said that on the federal level, things are implemented so tightly, that on a pretty cut and dry case, the court appointed attorney would probably do the same job as a private attorney. He also mentioned that federal attorneys are SOOOO expensive. I know my son will be going to prison, but if putting some money in a private lawyer could take considerable time off his sentences, it would be worth it. But would it make a difference? How can I know? Who do I ask?

Should I be making a decision about court appointed vs private lawyer NOW, or wait till the grand jury meets/decides? Or is this something my son has to do himself?

He says if they offer him a deal, he would rather accept that for less time than risk a longer sentence. Is that smart?

Also, who determines the length of the sentence? DA? Judge?

And are there any extenuating circumstances that the court / DA will consider when determining sentencing?

My son is biracial, which worries me enough with regard to sentencing.

His issues have included adoption, being born addicted to crack, a concussion at age 5 that permanently changed his affect, drug addiction, and documented behavioral/psychological issues (seeing a neuropsychologist every 2 years from age 4 - 16).

Do DAs give a shit about any of that, as in...would it be a consideration regarding sentencing?

My son told me recently that he has talked to people (fellow inmates) and thinks that for a non violent first federal offense, with a total of $200 money taken, that he expects a 3-5 year sentence.

I called a police officer friend to see if he could go visit my son before they came to get him after grand jury, and he said he thought the sentence would be much longer.

So, I am freaking out. I have been pretty sick for a couple of weeks. Im not sure if it’s some strain of COVID,or just a upper respiratory infection. My H has nothing to say/share about the whole situation with my son.....I mean NOT A WORD.

Yesterday, after my friend told me to prepare myself for a longer sentence, and feeling so horrible already, I have just been crying non stop.

If he gets 10 years or something, I know that my H won’t live that long. And I know how that will simply kill my son if he loses one of us while he is inside. I’m trying to think of all the reasons why I need to live, But they are all for someone else...take care of my H, etc.

Don’t get me wrong...I am NOT suicidal. I have strong feelings regarding taking my own life and that is simply not an option for me. But I sure do wish sometimes that I could just not wake up one morning.

Anyway...can someone unofficially help me understand how all this works, and what I need to be doing?


20 comments posted: Tuesday, February 15th, 2022

Feds picked up my sons case

He went to court today just to have the case "bound over" or something. But his lawyer said that the FBI picked up his case. Looks like he is looking at at least 5 years. At 100%.

I’m just sitting here sobbing, trying to make every plan possible to keep me and my husband alive till he gets out.

It’s my understanding that when he leaves county jail and goes to prison, he could be sent anywhere in the whole country.

What if I never get to see him again?


12 comments posted: Thursday, January 27th, 2022

So, my H has squamous cell carcinoma 😢

The dermatologist just called. We went earlier this week -like 3 days ago, and he did a biopsy of the growth on his side. They told us it would take up to two weeks to get results. But they called this morning.

I’m not sure if that quick response should scare me even more.

So they didn’t really tell me much about the significance of this diagnosis.

We go in again on March 3rd (that seems like too long to wait to me) to have the whole thing removed.

She told me that there shouldn’t be any need for chemotherapy.


Anyone have experience with this?

7 comments posted: Friday, January 14th, 2022

Tush & other medical professionals?????

My granddaughter who has just yesterday been diagnosed to have Covid, has exhibited a fever (high at times) and a stuffy nose with an occasional nosebleed.

Tonight her mother noticed that her eyes are a little bloodshot. And she texted me to ask that I contact my niece (nurse) to ask about MIS-C.

Can somebody please tell me about MIS- C and what all it involves, because what I have read on Google is terrifying.

This can’t be happening.

1 comment posted: Monday, January 3rd, 2022

C O V I D Exposure question

I have been sick for 2-3 weeks...same thing I get every year when winter arrives. Stuffy nose, cough, tired and weak. Haven’t even been to the doctor.

Since Christmas Eve, my grand baby’s mother (who stays with us sometimes for several days at a time) has has the same symptoms, but her chest congestion is much worse...coughing up nasty stuff.

So today she gets tested, and is positive. 😢

She called me crying. She was concerned about me and my sister, but mostly about my husband. I tried to calm her and tell her we would get through this, and that, who knows, I might have had a light case and given it to her. This seemed to help.

I took groceries / meds to her apartment tonight, and she has called me a couple of times with questions.

The thing that is scaring me most is that my grandbaby is with her. She called the pediatrician and asked what to do, He said not even to bother having her tested. They said that either she had Covid already, and it was just without symptoms, oh she would be getting it. And that there was no need to have her tested… That she should just carry-on as if she did already have it.

I am suffering from a huge case of guilt about this. I want her to be at my house so I can take care of her. And if she doesn’t come, I want the grandbaby to come and be with me. But I have to be doubly careful about my husband. Am I doing wrong? What should I do?

In addition to this, my oldest has really hurt my feelings. When I asked him if he had heard about her having Covid, he said yes. I told him that we were going to have to be very careful while we were quarantined, and that I needed for him to wear his mask whenever he was inside the house… Outside of his bedroom. He simply answered, "oh, no, I won’t be doing that." I told him that I was nearly 70 years old and his dad’s disability made us high risk. Nothing.

So now we are self imposing quarantine in our own home...staying only in 2 rooms in the house.

He makes me very sad that he cares so little for us that he won’t be inconvenienced by wearing a mask when he’s in the common areas of the house.

But, putting all of that aside, is there no way I can bring her back over to my house and take care of her and the baby without endangering my husband?

10 comments posted: Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

How do I decide whether or not to post bail?

My son, the one who is in so much trouble (out on bond) for robbing a bank… He was arrested last night for stealing a car a few days back. He called me from the room where he was talking to the detective. He was completely hysterical.

He just kept asking me, "Mom, do you think there’s any hope for me? Is there anything good inside of me?" I thought I might die.

He called back a couple of hours later and said that his bond had been tripled, because he committed this offense while he was on bail for another offense. His bond is now set at $111,000, so posting bail would be $11,000.

We have it, but would be taking money out of our savings that is supposed to be for the rest of our lives. Also, I have to think what would happen if he decided he was too scared to show up in court, and we had to pay the full $111,000.

I know it is probably ridiculous for me to post this. I know that probably 100% of any responses will say that I should not post bail for any reason. That I’m a hopeless enabler, and that I am hurting him.

He says he stole a car because he got into fight with his girlfriend, and she asked him to leave. And he has just gotten a good job and he’s so excited about being able to work hard and provide for his son and family. He’s wanting so badly to prove to everyone that he can be a better person.

But I also know that he tends to panic, And make bad choices.

While we were talking to him from jail earlier this evening, I put his father on the phone, because I was feeling like I was going to get hysterically upset. After talking to my husband for a little bit, my son started getting upset. I needed to leave the room for a minute and told him he needed to talk to his dad. I could hear him tell his father that he didn’t want to talk to him, that he would rather talk to me. He said that he knew that his dad didnt mind him staying in jail.

When I heard that, I stormed into the room and told him that he would not talk to his father in that way.

He kept calling me and calling me back from the jail. When I finally answered, I went off on him. What an unkind thing for me to do. While he is at one of the all-time lows in his life, I should have not done it. But I told him that I would not tolerate him talking to his dad in that way. I told him that he might choose to treat his father that way, but I was not going to allow him to treat my husband that way. He kept talking, so I hung up on him.

After I finish speaking to my son, I went in and yelled at my husband for a while. I told him that I would give ANYTHING in the world to have someone stand up for me like I just did it for him to our son. Crickets.

Come morning, he will be calling me again… Several times a minute if I don’t answer. He is more scared and more upset than I have ever known him to be. He keeps talking about his son. He keeps saying that if they give him a lot of years in jail, that he won’t get to see your son and he doesn’t think he can live through that.

He tells me he will do anything. There is a program in our town called a "man of valor" that is a residential facility for men involved with trouble with the law. Even said that he wants to go there. He wants to do better. But he panics when he thinks that he can’t be the man that he wants to be.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I can value money over my son. But I also don’t know how I can risk a big chunk of our savings/investments when I know that he is panicking.He panics about going to court and facing his punishment for these things, I’m afraid he might decide to flee.

If he goes to jail for years, it is very possible that he won’t have two parents when he gets out.

I’m just so very scared.

35 comments posted: Wednesday, December 1st, 2021

I think my son may have to go to jail for many years

...and I’m not sure this is a hill I can climb.

I don’t even know all the facts, because he doesn’t want to talk about it. But if I am reading him right, and interpreting the bits and pieces that I am hearing from him correctly, he actually tried to rob a bank.

He told me that his lawyer told him that he could get 8 to 10 years if they could prove that he was armed. And more like 2 to 5 years if he was not armed. I don’t even know if he was armed. This is something that happened years ago. Until last night I was under the impression that it’s because he took a bogus check that he says he got in the mail to the bank to cash it and they refused to cash it and kept the check. But now I’m getting the impression that there was more to it.

My first focus is on my son...that means he will be perhaps middle aged when he gets out. He will miss years and years out of his baby’s life. (This happened before the birth of his son.). He has been in a terrible place lately. When he is angry or upset he curses me and tells me the many ways I have been a bad mother, and how I am responsible for all of the mistakes in his life… Well, mostly the ones with his relationships. And when he is in a better place mentally and emotionally, he sobs and tells me what a good mother I was and how he could never repay his father and I, and that he’s so dissatisfied with his life. But even though I’ve offered to pay for it, he won’t see a counselor.

I have to selfishly admit that this is a hill that I don’t think I can climb. I am getting older, and if he is convicted, I could possibly never see him in person again. And I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t see his dad again either.

Court is it for another 2 to 3 weeks. I want him to go to court, because no matter the consequences, I want him to be able to have a fresh start at some point in his life. Not to mention, I would love not to have to pay $19,000 bond money if he doesn’t show. But wouldn’t you think, If someone bailed out of jail for a charge like possible armed robbery of a bank, that the bond would be far more than $20,000?

I’m trying very hard to hold it together. I’ve been eating nonstop all day because I’m so nervous I don’t know what to do. Trying to figure out how to go about my life if my baby it’s going to be in jail possibly for the rest of my life.

Please pray for us… If you pray.

And in lieu of prayers, please send all of the positive energy you possibly can.

Thank you.

32 comments posted: Saturday, October 9th, 2021

I’m scared for my kids

I knew it was going to be hard.

When we first adopted our kids, we knew it was going to be a challenge. With their birth mothers being alcoholics and drug addicts, we knew there would be issues. Took them to a relatively famous neuropsychologist and got diagnoses that indicated there would be challenges.

Every now and then I am cautiously optimistic that they are growing into some level of normalcy.

My oldest (29) has a 3 yr old daughter. He and the mother are not "together" at this point. He told me the other day very calmly that he understood that they were not together, even though he wishes they were, and that they might never be. But he just had to make the best of it for their daughter. Fairly mature, right? Especially when considering his fetal alcohol issues.

Then, the other day, he finds out that she is dating one of his oldest and closest friends. He is beside himself. Says things like he doesn’t want her to ever be allowed to come to the house again. The problem is, that his child’s mother is very special to me now, after being in our lives for 3 1/2 years. He has told me this before… That he doesn’t want her allowed in our home, but I refuse to agree to it because she is part of my family now. This time he asks me if I would be willing to have her not be in the house when he is home… Because he lives here. So I spoke to her and we have all agreed that she and the baby will spend time with us on days when she is off from work or on days when she goes in late, while my son is away from the house at work.

Tonight she had to work late, so the baby is staying here. When my son comes home he immediately jumps into the daddy role and helps her have some supper, and a bath, and plays and watches TV with her. I left them alone so he could have some one-on-one time with his daughter.

I got a phone call from the mama who is in tears. She says that when she goes to pick up the baby, he wants to "talk" which usually means to badger her about her doing something he doesn’t want her to do, or trying to talk her into being a couple again. Long story short, because she wouldn’t talk about it, he ends up kicking her car and saying something about wishing she would die. All of this is in front of their three-year-old child. Through tears, she was explaining to me on the phone that their daughter was asking her, "Mommy, why did daddy kick the car?"

My first response is to feel so badly for the baby… She can’t understand this and none of this is her fault or her choosing. Then I felt terrible for her mother. She has issues with anxiety, and understandably so, due to some of her past, and she is completely torn up about the situation. But I’m also worried about my son. His temper and his impulsivity. After I got off the phone with her, I went into the room to pick up toys or whatever… Really to just check on my son. He comes in the room talking about how horrible it is that she is dating his "ex" friend. He says, "you know what the worst part of it is?" I answer, "the worst part is that you kicked her mothers car and said you wish she would die in front of your daughter!"

I know there’s nothing I can do to change this. But I can’t get him to see a counselor. And these outbursts most often are just a momentary thing, and in about 15 minutes he realizes how wrong what he did was, and feels terrible about it.

The youngest son is going through a very similar situation, and my middle son just drinks and sits out in the yard in his truck listening to music and videos on his phone.

We have had them since they were 7 months, 1 year, and 2 days old respectively.

Tonight, I really thought I was going to have some sort of breakdown. So I just took off walking around the block. Just left all of them at the house, and left my H who just got home from a 9 day hospital stay. I don’t do that much because I broke my hip 10 months ago and it’s not really feeling fabulous enough to go for long walks.

But I went anyway. It seemed to be a pretty good distance. My mind was spinning and when I started paying attention to where I was, it was pitch dark and I had no idea where I was. Turns out I was just a few streets over from my house and I quickly found my way home. The very strange thing was that I had no fear. None. And that bothered me because it made me think I wasn’t concerned for my safety.

Anyway, I don’t know how to proceed from here. I certainly don’t want them to cause emotional stress for their children, and I don’t want them in jail for damaging property like kicking in the car. But also, I just want them to have a good lives.

So, I know there’s nothing to be done really. 😢

But thanks so much for listening.

7 comments posted: Thursday, September 30th, 2021

I’ve missed y’all!

Sorry, I double posted this new topic. I don’t even know how I did that. duh

1 comment posted: Saturday, September 25th, 2021

I’ve missed y’all!

It’s been a hard few months since I’ve been here regularly. I’ve missed y’all.

I never got to go on my trip. If you remember, I was traveling to visit my friend across country for 12 days. I really thought if I could get there, the time away would be like a reboot, healing, rejuvenating experience. I even had my H’s sister coming to take care of him.

Well, of course, I didn’t get to go. The uptick in COVID, and then my friend I was traveling to see - you guessed it - got COVID.

Since then, all of my sons seem to have issues, and right now I’m spending my 6th night in the hospital with my H. A minute ago my friend - who seems to be recouping well - called to tell me her exH - her son’s father - died tonight. Of COVID. She is so sad for her son.

I’m not coping well.

I need to get a counselor, but I have never had any luck before. I need to figure out a way to relate to my family. To accept the way it is going to be, and learn to relate / interact in as healthy a way as possible.

I’m trying. To be positive. To be loving, for example, with my sons, yet resolved to stand up for myself. To not be overwhelmed with all that seems to go wrong. Right now my youngest son ran out of gas on the way home. If I leave the hospital I can’t get back in till morning, and I need to be here with my H. My son left to drive to a nearby town with low gas, and texted to say he was out of gas on the side of the interstate. I told him to call my sister and she would bring him some gas. He said no...that he would just walk...and that it was my fault. Long story. So I’m sitting here worried about him not getting home safely.

Anyway, I just wanted to get back in touch with y’all...touch base. You always make me feel better somehow.

To all of you who have had positivity in your lives, I celebrate with you. And for all the struggles, lots of prayers / good energy sent your way.

Like I said...I’ve missed y’all.

9 comments posted: Friday, September 24th, 2021

Can hypothyroidism just “become” hyperthyroidism?

I have been taking Armour Thyroid for years now. I have had thyroid biopsies, and have had ultrasounds yearly for bilateral “goiters”… (Has to be a better term for that!)

Anyway, went to the doctor on Tuesday, and yesterday they called read me the results of my blood work up. Most things were within range and just fine. Cholesterol a bit high but I can work on that.

My TSH was on the low side, but within the range.

My T4 score was also on the low side, but within the range.

But here’s the kicker… My T3 scores were outside the range on the HIGH side.

My doctor does not work on Fridays and so he was unavailable to walk me through the meanings of these numbers. I have searched online and high TSH and low T4/T3 indicate hypothyroidism. On the other hand, low TSH and high T4/T3 indicate hyperthyroidism.

But there is no discussion of what it means if the TSH and T4 are low, but the T3 is high. And I mean on the outside of the range. The only thing I found was some mention about an issue in the hypothalamus in the brain.

Any smart people out there who have a clue what I’m talking about??? Because I certainly don’t!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 8:56 AM, July 24th (Saturday)]

7 comments posted: Saturday, July 24th, 2021

Downside of anonymity

The post about the passing of MissesJai has me thinking...

I think of this sometimes. Especially when someone doesn’t post for a while. Are they OK? It’s something really hard happening in their life, or are they sick or have they perhaps passed?

I love y’all dearly, and you have been so kind to me - I actually feel very close to some of you.

But due to the anonymity here, how do we ever find out when we have lost an SI friend?

Noone knows about me being on this site except my H, and he would never think to notify y’all if something happened to me.

I could leave information with someone, but that would mean

they would have access to my posts...and no one knows about my H’s “choices”. And that’s the way I want it to stay.

I sometimes see a “shout out” to check on someone...but if no one on the site knows- it is just a mystery.

It’s really sad, because there are a few individuals I have really missed lately, but there is just no way to know if they are OK.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 8:09 AM, July 24th (Saturday)]

2 comments posted: Saturday, July 24th, 2021


A dramatic word...but the closest one I have found to what I’m feeling.

My H is doing great pain wise...from a steady 6-8 to a 2-3. And yet mentally, emotionally, and physically he is not making any effort. The stimulator and the reduced pain level, I think, were unofficial benchmarks for moving forward in my mind. But... nothing. He won’t even put his dentures in. Just watches tv, then stares into space when I’m in the room.

My sons still struggle, but there is one that is really frightening me at this time. He can’t seem to catch a break. Car wreck, hospitalization, lost jobs, etc. So he feels hopeless. Today he hit a new low in trying to get money fraudulently. I ask him to leave our home… Where he was staying temporarily for him and his girlfriend to work some things out. I am scared out of my mind that he’s lying his way through life is without remorse and permanently. My heart is broken.

I can imagine that there will be a few thoughts / comments about codependency- but my family is my world, and I’m just so very sad - despondent.

I don’t see anything changing. I’m going to be doing this from now on. I’m never going to get a positive response toward me from my H, and I’m not going to live to see my sons become men of character.

I’m just so sad about it all.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:38 PM, July 20th (Tuesday)]

8 comments posted: Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

I need advice...maybe a book???

My sister is really struggling.

Her health is not great, she has just had her 2nd knee replacement and is a mess.

She came over the other day and shared with me all of these awful feelings of inferiority and condemnation from our childhood.

She feels that me and our older sister were superior to her in every way. (A total joke by the way - except that she feels it is true).

Her feelings of inferiority are expressed in situations like if a friend doesn’t call her for an extended period of time, she worries day and night about what she did to upset them, and what she can do to fix it.

And on and on.

She finally told me that she has been on this sleep medicine for 5 years, and that she has recently stopped taking it abruptly because she is sleeping better. She failed to share that it was also medicine for depression. Her PCP said the feelings she was having were most probably due to that.

She also said she has been seeing this ghost in her house, very clearly, but that her very high strung dog doesn’t seem to notice. PCP also told her that hallucinations could be attributed to the way she stopped her meds.

Anyway, she asked me what she should do. I suggested she follow the drs instructions about going back on the meds and perhaps being weaned off later if appropriate. I also suggested a counselor, AND maybe a book to help her get a different perspective regarding her worth/value.

I mean, “Who is John Galt?”

Anyway, any suggestions for a book and/or type of counselor?

11 comments posted: Saturday, June 5th, 2021

Well, yesterday was interesting...

My H started throwing up blood in the a.m. and we finally went to the ER at around noon. The staff that worked with us this trip were practically incompetent.

They did a CT, but without contrast, because “We can’t do contrast with the IV in the hand”. And couldn’t “get” another one.

Took 7 hrs to get an IV started, and a CT. The rest of the time I was just holding the vomit bag for him. (Due to his disability, he has very limited diaphram function and gets choked easily.)

The dr looked at the red fluid coming out of my H and said, “Is there really much blood in there? I don’t know.” Uhhh, maybe you should test it you freak!!! (Sorry.)

Got home at 7:00pm, after the pharmacy was closed. He threw up all night. I finally got the meds, which I read were used to treat an ulcer...although we were not told they thought he had an ulcer.

Oh, and did I mention that when the dr FINALLY went over the CT results at my behest, he causally read that my H has an aortic aneurysm. I said, “A WHAT?” He said, “Yes, but it hasn’t changed since the last CT here LAST MARCH”. What????????? NO ONE has EVER mentioned that to us.

I guess a topic of discussion for our PCP.

Anyway, he is FINALLY resting, and hasn’t thrown up since 7:00 am.

In the middle of all of this, we were having terrible weather here. Tornadoes. Flash floods. When we drove home from the hospital, it was in a total deluge.

Got home safely, although, the ambulance did flood out and they had to wait a bit to get it to restart.

THEN, at about midnight, one of my sons calls. “Mom, I’m stranded.” The goober is a storm freak...a storm chaser ‘wanna be’. He had gone to where we used to live, and was talking to a neighbor, when the water came over the bridge. He tried to go out the way he came in, but due to a change in elevation in that part of the road, it was also flooded.

Long story short, he and a few others were stranded there. So the police rescue boat had to rescue him. He told me to go to a certain spot and wait for him to arrive in the boat.

Geese Louise.

But strangely I survived (in the presence of a certain level of panic) and they were both home eventually...and safe.

So, again we were blessed.

Anyone else have an eventful Saturday?

*Oh, and the jury is still out as to whether my son will end up losing his truck. The waters were still rising when he left it there last night.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 2:07 PM, March 28th (Sunday)]

11 comments posted: Sunday, March 28th, 2021

Can we re start the “Health Check”?

I have failed to stay with this topic after breaking my hip, and I just now noticed it has been closed.

I’m guessing it was closed due to inactivity???

If so, I’d like to resume the topic. (If there is a reason I’m not supposed to restart it, my apologies. And just close this one out if need be.)


How is everyone doing?

Those of you who have now or in the past had COVID. Or particularly difficult experiences during this past year. Or those of us who are just struggling.

I’ll go.

We are hanging in there. Moving toward pain mgmt for my husband. Keeping to ourselves, masking, and distancing. Due to age and retirement, able to stay home 99% of the time.

Had a recent COVID scare with my youngest son. He came home (yikes!) as adult kids sometimes have mommy take care of him. Turns out it was only strep - but it was scary for a while. He was in one end of the house and my husband in the other end… With me running in between! I have never sprayed so much lysol on surfaces, bedding, dirty dishes, even my masks. Got a few buzzes from breathing it in.

Finally COVID test result came in negative.

How are y’all doing?

44 comments posted: Sunday, March 7th, 2021

Looking for info re kidney growth


Looking for med help from tush, HF, number, and others with the knowledge and experience.

Last June my H was in the hospital for digestive issues, but a CT scan showed an approximately 1 cm growth on my H’s kidney.

We sent it to the urologist and he said it was very small, and he did not suggest even biopsy, but to just monitor.

So, another CT scan about 2 weeks ago. My van lift is broken, so after canceling the urologist appt. twice, we had a zoom appt. yesterday.

He said the tumor had grown, but still pretty small...12-14 mm. He said it could very well be cancer, but even at that, he suggested still just watching it over time.

So, he suggested that...because a CT scan every 6 months is too much radiation...we should get an ultrasound in 6 months.

I have been searching online, but wanted to ask if this doc’s advice is sound. “Even if it could very well be cancer, don’t even biopsy?”

What I have been reading online is that there are rarely any symptoms of kidney cancer early on, but that it is very aggressive and tends to spread to the lungs very quickly.

The only thing it says about a biopsy is that there is risk of missing a small tumor altogether, and of spreading cancer cells if there is malignancy.

Is that right?

Because I have issues with irregular breast tissue due to fibrocystic disease. And 3 times they have incised and once done a needle biopsy.

Seems like a possible aggressive malignancy with little symptoms is a top candidate for biopsy.

With the first scan last June, when he told us of the growth, he said we could monitor, biopsy, or remove. I said “Let’s get it out “. But the doc said a removal could fail to get all of such a small tumor, or fail to find it at all. He strongly recommended ‘wait and see’.

The doc seems like he is not alarmed or fearful.

Any impressions?

4 comments posted: Saturday, March 6th, 2021

So, I’m having a bit of a struggle

It has been a week of struggle and sadness for me.

I am abusing my IRL friend with all my “shit” (sorry), and my sister doesn’t do well with negative news. So I come here just to feel that I am a part of something.

I know that probably doesn’t even make any sense.

At the first of the week, my son’s daughter’s mother let him know she was “talking” to some guy. My son is devastated. After their daughter was born, he spent some time with some girl. Broke his daughter’s mother’s heart. They broke up then, and have been ‘trying’ to work things out. He is trying to make it up to her, but doing poorly. Now this. And she has recently started back to school and gotten an apartment. The baby is dealing with a lot of change. Heartbreaking.

Then a couple of nights ago, my son’s dear friend found out that his wife attempted suicide. Their 5 year old saw the aftermath...blood and cuts. The little girl ask my son, “why did my mommy cut herself?“ That child’s life has changed.

My middle son has been sleeping on the couch now and then, but we didn’t see him for several weeks. Now he is freaking me out. He comes without letting me know, and leaves the next morning without saying a word. Except I hear him in the bathroom. Sometimes he stays in there a while, and I have heard lots of sniffing. In my present “the glass is 1/2 empty” world view, I have been afraid he is using again...maybe cocaine?

Today is my youngest son’s baby boy’s first birthday. He was coming to our house to let us be with him on his birthday. But as he was FaceTimeing me, I got a call from the police department in my town. I said I would get back to him. They are looking for my son. There are warrants out for him regarding things I did not know were an issue. I texted him to ask what in the world was going on. He won’t text me back. I’m sure he won’t be coming with the baby today, but I just want to know what is happening… and especially to know if he is OK.

I am a bit of a nervous wreck. My hip just NEVER stops hurting it seems.

I’m feeling quite overwhelmed. Now my son has packed up some of his daughter’s mother’s things to take over to her. Sort of a dramatic gesture after her news about the other guy. He’s been gone a loooong time. My mind is working overtime and I’m worried that he might’ve made trouble at her new apartment. Maybe he’s been picked up by the police. Because I have not heard from him.

So I’m sitting here thinking about, worrying about, praying for all of these situations.

That my granddaughter will adjust to all the changes in her life recently. That I will still be able to see her. That she and my son can maintain a relationship.

That the five-year-old daughter of the attempted suicide will get the assistance she needs, and that her mother will get the meds she needs.

That my son who is an addict will be OK…that somehow he will regain the state of mind he had for several months after he got out of rehab.

That my oldest son will focus on his relationship with his daughter, rather than mourning over the loss of his relationship with her mother.

And that my youngest son is OK. That he can’t somehow get all of these problems behind him at some point. And that it will be in time for me to relish in some happiness for him before I am not here.

And that abandoned dogs will find food and shelter...and that no baby will ever be hurt again...

You get the point.

A bit strung out on so many woes in my life and the world in general.

Y’all have a positive thought for me, OK?

15 comments posted: Thursday, February 25th, 2021

Any Lent restrictions you would care to share?

I have been struggling for a while now about my H’s lethargy regarding “trying” - making ANY effort really, to improve his quality of life. (And mine along with it!). But nothing.

Lately I have noticed that I have not held my tongue when he is driving me batty, and as a result, he seems to have a much worse day when I am ill tempered.

And so, long story short, I have decided that for Lent this year, I will be “giving up” unkind words. It is going ok, I guess, however I must admit that I am much quieter so far.

8 comments posted: Thursday, February 18th, 2021

Any insurance gurus in the house?

We have 4 life insurance policies.

I on H for me.

2 on me for H.

And one “2nd to die” for our kids.

So I called to make a payment on one of the ones on me for my H. I pay $320 per quarter. When I called this month, they said “ That will be $3,300 ish per quarter.


My H explained it was a term policy which is why it was so cheap (a pretty big policy) and that it had “termed out” or something.

H said to just let it go and shop for another one elsewhere.

Should I try to stay with this company or just start fresh. And does this mean I will have to get a physical?

Good Lord. I’m nowhere as healthy as I was 10 years ago, which means it will be even more, even if I get another term policy. Right?

5 comments posted: Sunday, January 24th, 2021

“Sundowners” a mental and physical issue?

Possibly a Tush alert!

My H has come off opioids in the past 9 months. (Doctor supervised)

Recently, he has started complaining about bad pain (always in his left abdomen below the navel).

Weird thing about it is that it almost always happens in the late evening - 9-10 pm ish. With the pain comes a red face, sucking in air through his nose, and some moaning.

I take it as long as I can, and then tell him to stop which he does. Then starts up again in a couple of minutes. Most of the time it lasts from 9pm ish to about 5-6 am. 😩😩😩

He takes Colace, for bowel management, and because that uses water from the body, I have made him drink at least 8 oz of water with it, and have even skipped the second dose. doesn’t seem to have that effect on him with the dose earlier in the day.

Is it possible that this is a psychological issue?

I have less and less patience with things like this as time goes by, because he doesn’t get out of bed, and I’m pretty sure ANYONE- with or without other pain, would have pain after being in the bed for 6 years.

Also, I have noticed that he doesn’t seem to have this issue anywhere as much when we are having a peaceful, as opposed to a day when we are irritated with each other.

When I nag about him making no effort to get out of bed and live his life, he uses my hip surgery as the excuse...”How am I supposed to get out of the bed?” (Keeping in mind that I have been injured only about 6 weeks. Not sure what his excuse is foe the 5 plus years before that.)

Hopefully in a couple more weeks I will be able to use the Hoyer lift again.

Anyway, I so wish I could find a way to know if there is any real pain, and if so, what is causing it and what I can do to help deal with it.

I have been trying to plan a trip to a University hospital in Pennsylvania that has an entire wing for spinal cord injuries...including those who have been injured for a long time. (46 years for my H). I think maybe they could figure it out if anyone can. But until he gets a bit stronger, I can’t make the trip with him alone, because he we are unable to transfer him in and out of the hotel bed without help.

Any words of wisdom?

1 comment posted: Sunday, January 24th, 2021

How do I “accept” cookies?

My phone tells me each time I go to log in that I must have cookies.

There is only one response, and that is to “x out”.

But I’m guessing that doesn’t do it.

Help please. I just don’t know how to “accept cookies”

6 comments posted: Tuesday, December 22nd, 2020

Welp...broke my hip 😏

I guess I’m following the pathetic road to old age break down! At about 61 I had my knee replaced. Now, broken hip

Yesterday morning at about 6:30 AM I heard my son start up his truck for work. I needed to ask him a question before he left, so I jumped up out of the recliner I was in and turned a sharp 90° to go out the door. I had on just socks on my feet and when they hit the floor with the momentum I had built up, it was inevitable. And in trying to protect my knee, I landed full force on my hip.

I’m about 24 hours from the accident. My oldest son got the ambulance there and quickly called my husband‘s sister to come from about 1 1/2 hours away, and my sister to come from 1/2 mile away to look after H till his sister got there.

Surgery was yesterday evening at about 4 PM. They put a nail in the fracture. This morning the spinal block has worn off. I have always been told that recovering from a knee replacement was harder than with a hip. But I’m not so sure anymore.

I guess we have a way to forget the pain in time. But I am a really good rehaber, and I’m gonna get this! They are making noises about me going to a rehab facility before I go back home, but if I can help it that is not going to happen. So maybe they will accept for me just having home health PT come in. I would simply demand it, but I need to be sure that in doing so, I do not nullify my insurance.

I always make it a point to “make nice” with the nurses. For 2 reasons. I respect the job they do, and I don’t want them to get upset with me when they are the ones that provide my care. Because I cannot get up yet to go to the potty, and because a bedpan would be too painful just yet, they are putting an amazing thick, big mattress pad under me and I just P on the pad. Quite dignified!


Recently the nurse came in and said we would just have to roll from side to side to get the pad out, and when I rolled it hurt so badly that I thought I might pass out. I have to say she’s sort of fussed at me. She said I needed to stop thinking about the pain.😡. Geez, give me a break… I’m not much more than 12 hours out of surgery. I just remained very quiet and ask her what she wanted me to do. She gave me step-by-step instructions and it all went well.

This isn’t going to be a lot of fun, is it?

58 comments posted: Friday, December 11th, 2020

Could it possible if...

...we could combine “Saturday night party time” with “SPF”???

Just sayin’...

I could use the laughs!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 3:51 PM, September 16th (Wednesday)]

4 comments posted: Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

Help understanding synchronized devices

I know absolutely nothing about technology.

That being said, someone showed me how to sync my iPad and my iPhone. I know that if I text someone on my iPhone, it also pops up on my iPad. They are both in “the cloud“ whatever that means.

I loaned my iPad to my son, and now he says he doesn’t know where it is. I’m not sure what to think about this. He could be lying of course. Or maybe he just lost it.

Either way, I’m concerned that people will be able to see what I text and what I search and perhaps even my posts on this site… Whatever I do on my phone.

I’m guessing a stranger would have to have my password to get on it… But I gave my password to my son. And he would definitely be the one that I would not want to read the things I have said on this site to you good folks.

Is this true?

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:59 AM, September 7th (Monday)]

5 comments posted: Monday, September 7th, 2020

Happy Birthday WhatsRight !!!!!!!!!!

6 comments posted: Thursday, June 25th, 2020

Are there ever any G2Gs in the Southeast?

That's pretty much it.

3 comments posted: Friday, August 30th, 2019

User names I hate to use



I really like this woman! I just can't write it. So I use "MOB".

Once you feel a certain connection with people, it's hard for me to use some of the names.

No disrespect intended.

Any of you have any others?

11 comments posted: Sunday, August 13th, 2017

Trouble logging on to SI website

Anyone know why I would be having trouble logging onto this site from my iPad? I have no problems logging in with my iphone.

Truly weird.

Also, even though I clear all history each time, 'surviving infidelity' pops up every time I turn my phone on in 'bookmarks' and top picks & history.

I want there to be no trace of it in the event one of my kids borrows my phone and googles something starting with 's'.

3 comments posted: Sunday, July 9th, 2017

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