Newest Member: zurichtime


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

I think my son may have to go to jail for many years

...and I’m not sure this is a hill I can climb.

I don’t even know all the facts, because he doesn’t want to talk about it. But if I am reading him right, and interpreting the bits and pieces that I am hearing from him correctly, he actually tried to rob a bank.

He told me that his lawyer told him that he could get 8 to 10 years if they could prove that he was armed. And more like 2 to 5 years if he was not armed. I don’t even know if he was armed. This is something that happened years ago. Until last night I was under the impression that it’s because he took a bogus check that he says he got in the mail to the bank to cash it and they refused to cash it and kept the check. But now I’m getting the impression that there was more to it.

My first focus is on my son...that means he will be perhaps middle aged when he gets out. He will miss years and years out of his baby’s life. (This happened before the birth of his son.). He has been in a terrible place lately. When he is angry or upset he curses me and tells me the many ways I have been a bad mother, and how I am responsible for all of the mistakes in his life… Well, mostly the ones with his relationships. And when he is in a better place mentally and emotionally, he sobs and tells me what a good mother I was and how he could never repay his father and I, and that he’s so dissatisfied with his life. But even though I’ve offered to pay for it, he won’t see a counselor.

I have to selfishly admit that this is a hill that I don’t think I can climb. I am getting older, and if he is convicted, I could possibly never see him in person again. And I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t see his dad again either.

Court is it for another 2 to 3 weeks. I want him to go to court, because no matter the consequences, I want him to be able to have a fresh start at some point in his life. Not to mention, I would love not to have to pay $19,000 bond money if he doesn’t show. But wouldn’t you think, If someone bailed out of jail for a charge like possible armed robbery of a bank, that the bond would be far more than $20,000?

I’m trying very hard to hold it together. I’ve been eating nonstop all day because I’m so nervous I don’t know what to do. Trying to figure out how to go about my life if my baby it’s going to be in jail possibly for the rest of my life.

Please pray for us… If you pray.

And in lieu of prayers, please send all of the positive energy you possibly can.

Thank you.

12 comments posted: Saturday, October 9th, 2021

I’m scared for my kids

I knew it was going to be hard.

When we first adopted our kids, we knew it was going to be a challenge. With their birth mothers being alcoholics and drug addicts, we knew there would be issues. Took them to a relatively famous neuropsychologist and got diagnoses that indicated there would be challenges.

Every now and then I am cautiously optimistic that they are growing into some level of normalcy.

My oldest (29) has a 3 yr old daughter. He and the mother are not "together" at this point. He told me the other day very calmly that he understood that they were not together, even though he wishes they were, and that they might never be. But he just had to make the best of it for their daughter. Fairly mature, right? Especially when considering his fetal alcohol issues.

Then, the other day, he finds out that she is dating one of his oldest and closest friends. He is beside himself. Says things like he doesn’t want her to ever be allowed to come to the house again. The problem is, that his child’s mother is very special to me now, after being in our lives for 3 1/2 years. He has told me this before… That he doesn’t want her allowed in our home, but I refuse to agree to it because she is part of my family now. This time he asks me if I would be willing to have her not be in the house when he is home… Because he lives here. So I spoke to her and we have all agreed that she and the baby will spend time with us on days when she is off from work or on days when she goes in late, while my son is away from the house at work.

Tonight she had to work late, so the baby is staying here. When my son comes home he immediately jumps into the daddy role and helps her have some supper, and a bath, and plays and watches TV with her. I left them alone so he could have some one-on-one time with his daughter.

I got a phone call from the mama who is in tears. She says that when she goes to pick up the baby, he wants to "talk" which usually means to badger her about her doing something he doesn’t want her to do, or trying to talk her into being a couple again. Long story short, because she wouldn’t talk about it, he ends up kicking her car and saying something about wishing she would die. All of this is in front of their three-year-old child. Through tears, she was explaining to me on the phone that their daughter was asking her, "Mommy, why did daddy kick the car?"

My first response is to feel so badly for the baby… She can’t understand this and none of this is her fault or her choosing. Then I felt terrible for her mother. She has issues with anxiety, and understandably so, due to some of her past, and she is completely torn up about the situation. But I’m also worried about my son. His temper and his impulsivity. After I got off the phone with her, I went into the room to pick up toys or whatever… Really to just check on my son. He comes in the room talking about how horrible it is that she is dating his "ex" friend. He says, "you know what the worst part of it is?" I answer, "the worst part is that you kicked her mothers car and said you wish she would die in front of your daughter!"

I know there’s nothing I can do to change this. But I can’t get him to see a counselor. And these outbursts most often are just a momentary thing, and in about 15 minutes he realizes how wrong what he did was, and feels terrible about it.

The youngest son is going through a very similar situation, and my middle son just drinks and sits out in the yard in his truck listening to music and videos on his phone.

We have had them since they were 7 months, 1 year, and 2 days old respectively.

Tonight, I really thought I was going to have some sort of breakdown. So I just took off walking around the block. Just left all of them at the house, and left my H who just got home from a 9 day hospital stay. I don’t do that much because I broke my hip 10 months ago and it’s not really feeling fabulous enough to go for long walks.

But I went anyway. It seemed to be a pretty good distance. My mind was spinning and when I started paying attention to where I was, it was pitch dark and I had no idea where I was. Turns out I was just a few streets over from my house and I quickly found my way home. The very strange thing was that I had no fear. None. And that bothered me because it made me think I wasn’t concerned for my safety.

Anyway, I don’t know how to proceed from here. I certainly don’t want them to cause emotional stress for their children, and I don’t want them in jail for damaging property like kicking in the car. But also, I just want them to have a good lives.

So, I know there’s nothing to be done really. 😢

But thanks so much for listening.

7 comments posted: Thursday, September 30th, 2021

I’ve missed y’all!

Sorry, I double posted this new topic. I don’t even know how I did that. duh

1 comment posted: Saturday, September 25th, 2021

I’ve missed y’all!

It’s been a hard few months since I’ve been here regularly. I’ve missed y’all.

I never got to go on my trip. If you remember, I was traveling to visit my friend across country for 12 days. I really thought if I could get there, the time away would be like a reboot, healing, rejuvenating experience. I even had my H’s sister coming to take care of him.

Well, of course, I didn’t get to go. The uptick in COVID, and then my friend I was traveling to see - you guessed it - got COVID.

Since then, all of my sons seem to have issues, and right now I’m spending my 6th night in the hospital with my H. A minute ago my friend - who seems to be recouping well - called to tell me her exH - her son’s father - died tonight. Of COVID. She is so sad for her son.

I’m not coping well.

I need to get a counselor, but I have never had any luck before. I need to figure out a way to relate to my family. To accept the way it is going to be, and learn to relate / interact in as healthy a way as possible.

I’m trying. To be positive. To be loving, for example, with my sons, yet resolved to stand up for myself. To not be overwhelmed with all that seems to go wrong. Right now my youngest son ran out of gas on the way home. If I leave the hospital I can’t get back in till morning, and I need to be here with my H. My son left to drive to a nearby town with low gas, and texted to say he was out of gas on the side of the interstate. I told him to call my sister and she would bring him some gas. He said no...that he would just walk...and that it was my fault. Long story. So I’m sitting here worried about him not getting home safely.

Anyway, I just wanted to get back in touch with y’all...touch base. You always make me feel better somehow.

To all of you who have had positivity in your lives, I celebrate with you. And for all the struggles, lots of prayers / good energy sent your way.

Like I said...I’ve missed y’all.

9 comments posted: Friday, September 24th, 2021

Can hypothyroidism just “become” hyperthyroidism?

I have been taking Armour Thyroid for years now. I have had thyroid biopsies, and have had ultrasounds yearly for bilateral “goiters”… (Has to be a better term for that!)

Anyway, went to the doctor on Tuesday, and yesterday they called read me the results of my blood work up. Most things were within range and just fine. Cholesterol a bit high but I can work on that.

My TSH was on the low side, but within the range.

My T4 score was also on the low side, but within the range.

But here’s the kicker… My T3 scores were outside the range on the HIGH side.

My doctor does not work on Fridays and so he was unavailable to walk me through the meanings of these numbers. I have searched online and high TSH and low T4/T3 indicate hypothyroidism. On the other hand, low TSH and high T4/T3 indicate hyperthyroidism.

But there is no discussion of what it means if the TSH and T4 are low, but the T3 is high. And I mean on the outside of the range. The only thing I found was some mention about an issue in the hypothalamus in the brain.

Any smart people out there who have a clue what I’m talking about??? Because I certainly don’t!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 8:56 AM, July 24th (Saturday)]

7 comments posted: Saturday, July 24th, 2021

Downside of anonymity

The post about the passing of MissesJai has me thinking...

I think of this sometimes. Especially when someone doesn’t post for a while. Are they OK? It’s something really hard happening in their life, or are they sick or have they perhaps passed?

I love y’all dearly, and you have been so kind to me - I actually feel very close to some of you.

But due to the anonymity here, how do we ever find out when we have lost an SI friend?

Noone knows about me being on this site except my H, and he would never think to notify y’all if something happened to me.

I could leave information with someone, but that would mean

they would have access to my posts...and no one knows about my H’s “choices”. And that’s the way I want it to stay.

I sometimes see a “shout out” to check on someone...but if no one on the site knows- it is just a mystery.

It’s really sad, because there are a few individuals I have really missed lately, but there is just no way to know if they are OK.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 8:09 AM, July 24th (Saturday)]

2 comments posted: Saturday, July 24th, 2021


A dramatic word...but the closest one I have found to what I’m feeling.

My H is doing great pain wise...from a steady 6-8 to a 2-3. And yet mentally, emotionally, and physically he is not making any effort. The stimulator and the reduced pain level, I think, were unofficial benchmarks for moving forward in my mind. But... nothing. He won’t even put his dentures in. Just watches tv, then stares into space when I’m in the room.

My sons still struggle, but there is one that is really frightening me at this time. He can’t seem to catch a break. Car wreck, hospitalization, lost jobs, etc. So he feels hopeless. Today he hit a new low in trying to get money fraudulently. I ask him to leave our home… Where he was staying temporarily for him and his girlfriend to work some things out. I am scared out of my mind that he’s lying his way through life is without remorse and permanently. My heart is broken.

I can imagine that there will be a few thoughts / comments about codependency- but my family is my world, and I’m just so very sad - despondent.

I don’t see anything changing. I’m going to be doing this from now on. I’m never going to get a positive response toward me from my H, and I’m not going to live to see my sons become men of character.

I’m just so sad about it all.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:38 PM, July 20th (Tuesday)]

8 comments posted: Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

I need advice...maybe a book???

My sister is really struggling.

Her health is not great, she has just had her 2nd knee replacement and is a mess.

She came over the other day and shared with me all of these awful feelings of inferiority and condemnation from our childhood.

She feels that me and our older sister were superior to her in every way. (A total joke by the way - except that she feels it is true).

Her feelings of inferiority are expressed in situations like if a friend doesn’t call her for an extended period of time, she worries day and night about what she did to upset them, and what she can do to fix it.

And on and on.

She finally told me that she has been on this sleep medicine for 5 years, and that she has recently stopped taking it abruptly because she is sleeping better. She failed to share that it was also medicine for depression. Her PCP said the feelings she was having were most probably due to that.

She also said she has been seeing this ghost in her house, very clearly, but that her very high strung dog doesn’t seem to notice. PCP also told her that hallucinations could be attributed to the way she stopped her meds.

Anyway, she asked me what she should do. I suggested she follow the drs instructions about going back on the meds and perhaps being weaned off later if appropriate. I also suggested a counselor, AND maybe a book to help her get a different perspective regarding her worth/value.

I mean, “Who is John Galt?”

Anyway, any suggestions for a book and/or type of counselor?

11 comments posted: Saturday, June 5th, 2021

He finally said it.

I have asked him for 14 years why he didn’t just leave.

After I found the porn. After I saw the picture of his time with the prostitute.

FINALLY, I heard the answer this morning.

The answer I knew was - although not actually an answer to my question...but at least a statement of truth.....

Me...”Why didn’t you just leave?”

Him...”I wish I had.”

31 comments posted: Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

Well, yesterday was interesting...

My H started throwing up blood in the a.m. and we finally went to the ER at around noon. The staff that worked with us this trip were practically incompetent.

They did a CT, but without contrast, because “We can’t do contrast with the IV in the hand”. And couldn’t “get” another one.

Took 7 hrs to get an IV started, and a CT. The rest of the time I was just holding the vomit bag for him. (Due to his disability, he has very limited diaphram function and gets choked easily.)

The dr looked at the red fluid coming out of my H and said, “Is there really much blood in there? I don’t know.” Uhhh, maybe you should test it you freak!!! (Sorry.)

Got home at 7:00pm, after the pharmacy was closed. He threw up all night. I finally got the meds, which I read were used to treat an ulcer...although we were not told they thought he had an ulcer.

Oh, and did I mention that when the dr FINALLY went over the CT results at my behest, he causally read that my H has an aortic aneurysm. I said, “A WHAT?” He said, “Yes, but it hasn’t changed since the last CT here LAST MARCH”. What????????? NO ONE has EVER mentioned that to us.

I guess a topic of discussion for our PCP.

Anyway, he is FINALLY resting, and hasn’t thrown up since 7:00 am.

In the middle of all of this, we were having terrible weather here. Tornadoes. Flash floods. When we drove home from the hospital, it was in a total deluge.

Got home safely, although, the ambulance did flood out and they had to wait a bit to get it to restart.

THEN, at about midnight, one of my sons calls. “Mom, I’m stranded.” The goober is a storm freak...a storm chaser ‘wanna be’. He had gone to where we used to live, and was talking to a neighbor, when the water came over the bridge. He tried to go out the way he came in, but due to a change in elevation in that part of the road, it was also flooded.

Long story short, he and a few others were stranded there. So the police rescue boat had to rescue him. He told me to go to a certain spot and wait for him to arrive in the boat.

Geese Louise.

But strangely I survived (in the presence of a certain level of panic) and they were both home eventually...and safe.

So, again we were blessed.

Anyone else have an eventful Saturday?

*Oh, and the jury is still out as to whether my son will end up losing his truck. The waters were still rising when he left it there last night.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 2:07 PM, March 28th (Sunday)]

11 comments posted: Sunday, March 28th, 2021

Can we re start the “Health Check”?

I have failed to stay with this topic after breaking my hip, and I just now noticed it has been closed.

I’m guessing it was closed due to inactivity???

If so, I’d like to resume the topic. (If there is a reason I’m not supposed to restart it, my apologies. And just close this one out if need be.)


How is everyone doing?

Those of you who have now or in the past had COVID. Or particularly difficult experiences during this past year. Or those of us who are just struggling.

I’ll go.

We are hanging in there. Moving toward pain mgmt for my husband. Keeping to ourselves, masking, and distancing. Due to age and retirement, able to stay home 99% of the time.

Had a recent COVID scare with my youngest son. He came home (yikes!) as adult kids sometimes have mommy take care of him. Turns out it was only strep - but it was scary for a while. He was in one end of the house and my husband in the other end… With me running in between! I have never sprayed so much lysol on surfaces, bedding, dirty dishes, even my masks. Got a few buzzes from breathing it in.

Finally COVID test result came in negative.

How are y’all doing?

44 comments posted: Sunday, March 7th, 2021

Looking for info re kidney growth


Looking for med help from tush, HF, number, and others with the knowledge and experience.

Last June my H was in the hospital for digestive issues, but a CT scan showed an approximately 1 cm growth on my H’s kidney.

We sent it to the urologist and he said it was very small, and he did not suggest even biopsy, but to just monitor.

So, another CT scan about 2 weeks ago. My van lift is broken, so after canceling the urologist appt. twice, we had a zoom appt. yesterday.

He said the tumor had grown, but still pretty small...12-14 mm. He said it could very well be cancer, but even at that, he suggested still just watching it over time.

So, he suggested that...because a CT scan every 6 months is too much radiation...we should get an ultrasound in 6 months.

I have been searching online, but wanted to ask if this doc’s advice is sound. “Even if it could very well be cancer, don’t even biopsy?”

What I have been reading online is that there are rarely any symptoms of kidney cancer early on, but that it is very aggressive and tends to spread to the lungs very quickly.

The only thing it says about a biopsy is that there is risk of missing a small tumor altogether, and of spreading cancer cells if there is malignancy.

Is that right?

Because I have issues with irregular breast tissue due to fibrocystic disease. And 3 times they have incised and once done a needle biopsy.

Seems like a possible aggressive malignancy with little symptoms is a top candidate for biopsy.

With the first scan last June, when he told us of the growth, he said we could monitor, biopsy, or remove. I said “Let’s get it out “. But the doc said a removal could fail to get all of such a small tumor, or fail to find it at all. He strongly recommended ‘wait and see’.

The doc seems like he is not alarmed or fearful.

Any impressions?

4 comments posted: Saturday, March 6th, 2021

So, I’m having a bit of a struggle

It has been a week of struggle and sadness for me.

I am abusing my IRL friend with all my “shit” (sorry), and my sister doesn’t do well with negative news. So I come here just to feel that I am a part of something.

I know that probably doesn’t even make any sense.

At the first of the week, my son’s daughter’s mother let him know she was “talking” to some guy. My son is devastated. After their daughter was born, he spent some time with some girl. Broke his daughter’s mother’s heart. They broke up then, and have been ‘trying’ to work things out. He is trying to make it up to her, but doing poorly. Now this. And she has recently started back to school and gotten an apartment. The baby is dealing with a lot of change. Heartbreaking.

Then a couple of nights ago, my son’s dear friend found out that his wife attempted suicide. Their 5 year old saw the aftermath...blood and cuts. The little girl ask my son, “why did my mommy cut herself?“ That child’s life has changed.

My middle son has been sleeping on the couch now and then, but we didn’t see him for several weeks. Now he is freaking me out. He comes without letting me know, and leaves the next morning without saying a word. Except I hear him in the bathroom. Sometimes he stays in there a while, and I have heard lots of sniffing. In my present “the glass is 1/2 empty” world view, I have been afraid he is using again...maybe cocaine?

Today is my youngest son’s baby boy’s first birthday. He was coming to our house to let us be with him on his birthday. But as he was FaceTimeing me, I got a call from the police department in my town. I said I would get back to him. They are looking for my son. There are warrants out for him regarding things I did not know were an issue. I texted him to ask what in the world was going on. He won’t text me back. I’m sure he won’t be coming with the baby today, but I just want to know what is happening… and especially to know if he is OK.

I am a bit of a nervous wreck. My hip just NEVER stops hurting it seems.

I’m feeling quite overwhelmed. Now my son has packed up some of his daughter’s mother’s things to take over to her. Sort of a dramatic gesture after her news about the other guy. He’s been gone a loooong time. My mind is working overtime and I’m worried that he might’ve made trouble at her new apartment. Maybe he’s been picked up by the police. Because I have not heard from him.

So I’m sitting here thinking about, worrying about, praying for all of these situations.

That my granddaughter will adjust to all the changes in her life recently. That I will still be able to see her. That she and my son can maintain a relationship.

That the five-year-old daughter of the attempted suicide will get the assistance she needs, and that her mother will get the meds she needs.

That my son who is an addict will be OK…that somehow he will regain the state of mind he had for several months after he got out of rehab.

That my oldest son will focus on his relationship with his daughter, rather than mourning over the loss of his relationship with her mother.

And that my youngest son is OK. That he can’t somehow get all of these problems behind him at some point. And that it will be in time for me to relish in some happiness for him before I am not here.

And that abandoned dogs will find food and shelter...and that no baby will ever be hurt again...

You get the point.

A bit strung out on so many woes in my life and the world in general.

Y’all have a positive thought for me, OK?

15 comments posted: Thursday, February 25th, 2021

Any Lent restrictions you would care to share?

I have been struggling for a while now about my H’s lethargy regarding “trying” - making ANY effort really, to improve his quality of life. (And mine along with it!). But nothing.

Lately I have noticed that I have not held my tongue when he is driving me batty, and as a result, he seems to have a much worse day when I am ill tempered.

And so, long story short, I have decided that for Lent this year, I will be “giving up” unkind words. It is going ok, I guess, however I must admit that I am much quieter so far.

8 comments posted: Thursday, February 18th, 2021

Any insurance gurus in the house?

We have 4 life insurance policies.

I on H for me.

2 on me for H.

And one “2nd to die” for our kids.

So I called to make a payment on one of the ones on me for my H. I pay $320 per quarter. When I called this month, they said “ That will be $3,300 ish per quarter.


My H explained it was a term policy which is why it was so cheap (a pretty big policy) and that it had “termed out” or something.

H said to just let it go and shop for another one elsewhere.

Should I try to stay with this company or just start fresh. And does this mean I will have to get a physical?

Good Lord. I’m nowhere as healthy as I was 10 years ago, which means it will be even more, even if I get another term policy. Right?

5 comments posted: Sunday, January 24th, 2021

“Sundowners” a mental and physical issue?

Possibly a Tush alert!

My H has come off opioids in the past 9 months. (Doctor supervised)

Recently, he has started complaining about bad pain (always in his left abdomen below the navel).

Weird thing about it is that it almost always happens in the late evening - 9-10 pm ish. With the pain comes a red face, sucking in air through his nose, and some moaning.

I take it as long as I can, and then tell him to stop which he does. Then starts up again in a couple of minutes. Most of the time it lasts from 9pm ish to about 5-6 am. 😩😩😩

He takes Colace, for bowel management, and because that uses water from the body, I have made him drink at least 8 oz of water with it, and have even skipped the second dose. doesn’t seem to have that effect on him with the dose earlier in the day.

Is it possible that this is a psychological issue?

I have less and less patience with things like this as time goes by, because he doesn’t get out of bed, and I’m pretty sure ANYONE- with or without other pain, would have pain after being in the bed for 6 years.

Also, I have noticed that he doesn’t seem to have this issue anywhere as much when we are having a peaceful, as opposed to a day when we are irritated with each other.

When I nag about him making no effort to get out of bed and live his life, he uses my hip surgery as the excuse...”How am I supposed to get out of the bed?” (Keeping in mind that I have been injured only about 6 weeks. Not sure what his excuse is foe the 5 plus years before that.)

Hopefully in a couple more weeks I will be able to use the Hoyer lift again.

Anyway, I so wish I could find a way to know if there is any real pain, and if so, what is causing it and what I can do to help deal with it.

I have been trying to plan a trip to a University hospital in Pennsylvania that has an entire wing for spinal cord injuries...including those who have been injured for a long time. (46 years for my H). I think maybe they could figure it out if anyone can. But until he gets a bit stronger, I can’t make the trip with him alone, because he we are unable to transfer him in and out of the hotel bed without help.

Any words of wisdom?

1 comment posted: Sunday, January 24th, 2021

How do I “accept” cookies?

My phone tells me each time I go to log in that I must have cookies.

There is only one response, and that is to “x out”.

But I’m guessing that doesn’t do it.

Help please. I just don’t know how to “accept cookies”

6 comments posted: Tuesday, December 22nd, 2020

Welp...broke my hip 😏

I guess I’m following the pathetic road to old age break down! At about 61 I had my knee replaced. Now, broken hip

Yesterday morning at about 6:30 AM I heard my son start up his truck for work. I needed to ask him a question before he left, so I jumped up out of the recliner I was in and turned a sharp 90° to go out the door. I had on just socks on my feet and when they hit the floor with the momentum I had built up, it was inevitable. And in trying to protect my knee, I landed full force on my hip.

I’m about 24 hours from the accident. My oldest son got the ambulance there and quickly called my husband‘s sister to come from about 1 1/2 hours away, and my sister to come from 1/2 mile away to look after H till his sister got there.

Surgery was yesterday evening at about 4 PM. They put a nail in the fracture. This morning the spinal block has worn off. I have always been told that recovering from a knee replacement was harder than with a hip. But I’m not so sure anymore.

I guess we have a way to forget the pain in time. But I am a really good rehaber, and I’m gonna get this! They are making noises about me going to a rehab facility before I go back home, but if I can help it that is not going to happen. So maybe they will accept for me just having home health PT come in. I would simply demand it, but I need to be sure that in doing so, I do not nullify my insurance.

I always make it a point to “make nice” with the nurses. For 2 reasons. I respect the job they do, and I don’t want them to get upset with me when they are the ones that provide my care. Because I cannot get up yet to go to the potty, and because a bedpan would be too painful just yet, they are putting an amazing thick, big mattress pad under me and I just P on the pad. Quite dignified!


Recently the nurse came in and said we would just have to roll from side to side to get the pad out, and when I rolled it hurt so badly that I thought I might pass out. I have to say she’s sort of fussed at me. She said I needed to stop thinking about the pain.😡. Geez, give me a break… I’m not much more than 12 hours out of surgery. I just remained very quiet and ask her what she wanted me to do. She gave me step-by-step instructions and it all went well.

This isn’t going to be a lot of fun, is it?

58 comments posted: Friday, December 11th, 2020

So...I think they did my eyes backwards

I have mentioned that in the last month I’ve had both of my cataracts removed. When I first came out of the surgeries, I could see so much more clearly. The doctor warned me that blurriness would come and go and that I should not be concerned until 6 to 7 weeks post surgery.

So he has been right, things do get blurry and then less blurry throughout the day.

But, recently the vision seems to have set in one place.

The problem is that I asked to have my vision set at seeing clearly at a distance, which would mean that I would need “readers” for close up. I have noticed that anything more than 10 feet away from me is quite blurry, but I can count the hairs on my arm.

So I think that they set my eyes to be able to see close up clearly which means I will need glasses for everything else, including driving.

If I’m right, what does this mean? Am I just stuck with him doing it backwards?

But, here on Thanksgiving day, I want to be clear that I’m not complaining too badly. My dad was blind the last 25 years of his life, so I am thankful for the vision that I have.

I just so much wanted it to be the other way around.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 4:58 PM, November 26th (Thursday)]

13 comments posted: Thursday, November 26th, 2020

I’m just wanting to vent here

So, as most of you who read my threads know, my H is quite disabled (paralyzed) and I am his caregiver.

In the last seven months I’ve gotten him off quite high doses of Percocet and fentanyl patches… under Dr.’s supervision and recommendations.

We went through the whole mind boggling experience of ordering a new wheelchair for him. Got one with “smart drive“ which is a small motor with a wheel on the bottom attached to the back and underneath of his every day wheelchair. When he taps a switch on the side of his chair it kicks into gear and helps him over long distances or perhaps up a ramp that is too steep. Which is actually any ramp at this point.

I also arranged for PT and OT to come to the house and work with him. He did not take advantage of that opportunity. He worked with them when they were here, but maybe only two or three times in eight weeks did he do the work that he was supposed to do in between visits. I gave up trying to force it.

The last major change we have tackled is to help with pain management. Since he is off of opioid pain management, which he had been on to some extent for 10 years, we have been searching for something to make him comfortable. (he has severe abdominal pains that have been attributed, in my opinion randomly, to neuropathy from his spinal cord injury 45 years ago.) We are seeing a neurologist at a spine and pain clinic.

They tried nerve blocks on him. The first one showed 80% improvement, but was short-lived. The second one made no difference at all in his level of pain.

We have an appointment tomorrow morning to see him again, as a consultation to figure out what the next step will be. He has told us that he is confident he can help him, we just have to find the right solution.

In the meantime, I am losing my mind. He moans or screams with every single breath. Now, mind you, this has been happening for the last six years off and on. But lately it is nonstop around the clock. I sleep in our sunroom on the other side of sliding glass doors so that the sound is somewhat muffled. He calls to me most nights every 1/2 to one hour for one thing or another. Straighten the pillows, turn him from one side to the other, he needs to pee, more water, etc. etc. etc.

He is paralyzed from the armpits down and is riddled with pain. I also think that he is losing his mind. I cannot refuse to help him with these things… even the ones that don’t seem worth waking me up in the middle of the night. Well, I guess I could refuse… but I am choosing not to.

It has gotten really bad with us. I feel that he is taking advantage of the fact that I feel that I am doing the right thing by taking care of him. He feels that I am “mean“ because I say hateful things sometimes because I am losing my mind with all of the crying and the screaming and refusing to get up and make any efforts. (He is right, I do say mean things sometimes because I am literally at the end of my rope. When my sister passed away suddenly quite a few years ago, I got a prescription for Xanax. I still have a few of them but I am afraid to take one for fear that it will cloud my mind and I will get his medication mixed up.)

There’s nothing more that I know to do.

I know that he doesn’t love me. I want to believe that he did at one time. And I have believed it. But lately, my mother’s words have been coming back to me. When I told her that we were engaged, she told me that he was just wanting to marry me so that he would have somebody to take care of him in his old age when he became more and more infirm. I was scathing angry with her when she said that. Now I’m wondering if that is true. I am questioning our entire marriage.

Today I told him that if he would just try. Just try. And he said that he was trying. I asked him was he “trying“ like he tried in our marriage, at a certain time that I won’t discuss on this form. Or was he trying like when he was racing wheelchairs and struggling to complete a marathon.

He immediately answered… Quickly… Oh no, I’m talking about with marathons. In other words, he was “REALLY trying”. Unlike when he didn’t / doesn’t really try with our marriage.

Anyway, I’m sleeping in the driveway in my car tonight. I mean I can only listen to the screaming and moaning so much. I lie in the recliner in the other room and pray to God that he will just let him sleep for a couple of hours so that I can get some rest. From the constant constant constant screaming.

If he was in hospice, if he was toward the end of his life, I would say give him every medication in the world to make him comfortable. But he was on high doses of pain meds before and had built up immunity to them and was in just as much pain with them as he is now without them. And other than the pain, he is quite healthy to have been so disabled for so long. He is not at the end of his life as people are when they are in hospice.

I don’t know how much longer it’s gonna take this doctor to figure out a way to make him feel better.

I wish he would just clip his spinal cord. My husband doesn’t want that to happen because he’s concerned that it will affect his bowel and bladder function… His spinal cord injury was incomplete so he still has a very small sense of “feeling“. No movement.

I asked him what was more important… To somewhat interfere with his bowel and bladder function, or to scream every breath every day.

Today I was trying to keep my grandbaby, 2 1/2 years old, out of his room because of all the screaming. But she walked into his room and I was behind her about 15 feet. She open the door and walked in and when he saw it was her, he stopped yelling, and spoke to her like you speak to a precious little 2 1/2 year-old. “Hey there sweet granddaughter! How are you today?“. In a voice as if there was zero pain. When she left and it was just he and I again, the moaning and screaming began again.

I have a friend who was once married to someone that was bipolar and he refused to take his medication. And he would be depressed most of the time. She told me that sometimes they would go out with friends and he was the life of the party. But once they were back in the car and down the road one block from where they had gathered with friends, he would be depressed again. And when she said to him “What is wrong now?” he would answer, “I’m just so depressed”. And she would say, “But five minutes ago you weren’t depressed with our friends.” And he would say, “Well, I pretend in front of them.” And she told him, “Then please pretend in front of me too!“. Please excuse me if I am showing my ignorance about mental health issues by relating that story. But it certainly strikes a chord with me…

I really do wish that for like a day or two I could actually feel the pain that he actually feels. Because I believe that it is totally exacerbated by the fact that he is so depressed. And I think that it is also exacerbated by the fact that it is been just ongoing in a loop for so long now that he needs to have it stopped. There needs to be a cutting of a circuit somehow and “rebooted”. I guess like the rational for shock treatment for people with mental health issues.

I of course have no idea what I’m talking about. As I mentioned at the first of this, this is just mainly a rant.

No matter what I say to him, if it is to try to get him to get up and interact with his family, or go sit in the sun, or push his chair a little bit, or have friends over so he could have social interaction,...No matter what I say, if he doesn’t like it, he begins to sob and sob and sob.

He needs to go to a facility for spinal cord injured for a month or so and get some intensive emotional and physical therapy with people other than me. But he doesn’t want to do that. And we can’t afford it.

I swear to you that if he would just make an effort to get better, that I would not complain. I would accept whatever the situation was. I took care of both my father and my mother when they were at the end of their lives and going through hospice. Sat with them day after day after day. I’m not afraid of that commitment. But I don’t see him even trying. He’s like the weakest, self pitying, most self-centered human being right now in the entire universe.

He doesn’t care that I am having eye surgery tomorrow and that I am freaked about it, just one of my phobias. He doesn’t care that I needed my sleep. It’s 1 AM here and I have to be up at 5 AM to shower and get him ready so that we can go to the appointment at 8 AM in another town. So that I can get back and go to my eye surgery by noon. He doesn’t care that I will not have one moment of sleep tonight.

I’m coming up on 70 in 2 1/2 years. I tried to tell him that if he does not try to make a difference and make a little bit of a “come back“ to what he once was, that there will come a time when there is no other option but for him to go to and or perhaps even live in a facility. Because I will not be physically able to keep up with taking care of him on zero sleep. When I say something like that, he cries, “please don’t leave me!“. I can’t talk to him about anything because he just cries and cries and cries. When situations arise with any of my kids, unless it’s very serious I don’t even share it with him. I get no support from him. Because he is too fragile emotionally to be able to even handle hearing whatever it is. It just makes him cry all the more.

And the worst part is that I’m beginning to think that he could absolutely do it if he wanted to. He tries to make me feel like I’m expecting more of him than he is capable of giving. But I feel he’s just using me.

I don’t make the decision to stay with him and help him and take care of him for any other reason at this point but to feel good about myself, that I am making the right choice.

Anyway, if you have gotten this far, bless your heart!

Sorry for the late night rant… But who am I kidding, I’m not gonna be able to sleep in the car. So I guess I just didn’t have anything else to do.

Y’all be good to yourselves, and have a great day tomorrow!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 1:33 AM, November 11th (Wednesday)]

18 comments posted: Wednesday, November 11th, 2020

I don’t know what Cookies are 😒

I am technologically impaired.

I do not know what a cookie is.

And so, obviously I don’t know what it means when I try to log on to the site and it says “cookies are required”.

Is there a short exclamation someone could give me???

Perhaps a kindergarten teacher???

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 12:12 PM, November 7th (Saturday)]

14 comments posted: Saturday, November 7th, 2020

Anyone know anything about gangs?

My son has just texted me. He said:

“Finally time I let u know what happened to some money u have given me in past I was in a gang when I was younger till about 21 and I got out and the basically said pay them a lot at once or I pay them 500 every week for protection of my own life and if I don’t they’d take my life so that’s why I often ask for money because of that and didn’t wanna tell u what I got myself into now I owe them 5000$ at once or I pay them 500 a week so I won’t get hurt it’s tiring and I’m just ready for it to be over”

I am very scared.

Is this real? I texted and told him I didn’t have $5000 to give to a gang.

He said:

“ I was just letting u know I mean I’ve been unaffiliated with them just ain’t want u to think I was spending it on dumb stuff wanted to be clean about everything want us to just be good with no secrets”. and “ I’m shit out of luck then guess I’ll keep doing whatver I got to to pay them 500 a week”

Can someone give me some input? Does this happen?

Is he just trying to get $$$ out of me?

20 comments posted: Wednesday, November 4th, 2020

Is opening a text safe???

I have been getting a LOT of weird, unknown texts lately.

“WhatsRight, many have lost 60 lbs in just 4 weeks...”

“WhatsRight, keep your man”up” all night with this...”

“WhatsRight, Shark tank judges endorsed this new...”

I remember a few months ago I was doing some searching about keto diets as well as the product Goli.

Did these people get my info? Maybe I started to place an order, but changed my mind when it came time to pay...after I gave my name and phone#?

Another one says, WhatsRight, due to monetary laws, you are owed $1,760...

Or, “WhatsRight, your order has arrived. Just go to this link to complete the process”.

They always give a link.

In the first, I would open the text...but not the link.

Now I’m afraid to even open the text.

Am I too late...already screwed???

It’s odd that it is not all about the same product.

What should I do?

Now that I think of it, I got a phone message regarding my social security info. I ignored that because I do know that Social Security Admin doesn’t call people.

I’m such a schmuck!

8 comments posted: Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

I need a safe. Anyone have a suggestion?

I think I may have too many parameters and what I have in mind doesn’t exist.

-not the huge ones that hold long guns

-to be kept in my bedroom

-large enough to not be carried off

-large enough for legal papers and a small box of jewelry and other sentimental stuff

-small enough to be discrete?

Yeah, I don’t think it exists.

21 comments posted: Tuesday, October 20th, 2020

Positive things from 2020 ???

Just to try to switch things around with our sheer will !!!

1. My grandson was born 🥰 🥳 🥰

(Picture would follow if I could figure out how to do it 🙄)

Surely there is more if we really think.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 7:56 AM, October 18th (Sunday)]

25 comments posted: Saturday, October 17th, 2020

Road Trip Adventures / Fiascos

In honor of Jeaniegirl, and to avoid t/j her beautiful thread re the memorial service where she spoke, I’m starting a new thread.

After hearing about her (at times halarious) struggles getting through the day, I thought we might like to share some road trip stories.

One of mine...

My sisters and I were traveling in Ireland. Beautiful!!! No reason for all of us to take pictures, so I was nominated the trip photographer.

At one of the millions of photo ops at cliffs, I hung back to take some good shots while my sisters headed to the rental car.

All of a sudden I saw my sister backing out of the parking place, as if she were tired of waiting and was going to leave me.

I started running to the car, but she kept backing out of the parking space. Finally, totally out of breath, I grabbed the back door handle, threw open the door and jumped into the car.

When I looked up, I saw an older couple - complete strangers, looking at me aghast from the front seat. I was obviously was in the wrong car!

They didn’t speak, just started at me with mouths open. I said, “oops...wrong car” and jumped out of the car. They seriously never spoke a word. I’m not even sure what language they spoke.

So I ran to the actual car my sisters were in. By this time I was hysterical just reliving the whole thing. My sisters were starring in disbelief.

I seriously laughed out loud for the next hour till we got to our B & B. I will never forget it. I’m laughing as I write this.

Ok...funny to me, but I’m sure someone can outdo that!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 11:18 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

23 comments posted: Friday, October 16th, 2020

G T G Anxiety

OK, I realize that in this infectious environment, GTGs are not exactly feasible.

But after a very interesting back-and-forth PM, and a recent post of mine from which I received so many kind and heartfelt responses/suggestions… I have been thinking more more about meeting SIers IRL. I can’t imagine how cool it would be!

The thing is... The thought of it is very exciting to me… To actually meet people and to get to know them and spend time and have fun. Through the years on SI, as I have seen GTGs be organized, I have felt very jealous that they were in areas that were too far for me to travel.

It had never occurred to me that perhaps there are people who live near me… And maybe when the time is safer, I could get together with them.

Then terror strikes!

The things you all know about me! The things I have said on this site! The uncharacteristic language I have used, or the anger filled rants.

What if someone I meet IRL was one of my kids teachers, or even more horrifying - goes to my church???

I guess those are mostly rhetorical questions, but I wanted to ask how some of y’all think about/deal with the idea or even the reality of a GTG.

I don’t believe it has anything to do with feeling that someone would betray my trust. But if they happened to be someone that I knew, would they ever look at me the same way again? And what horrible things have I said about my husband that I would NEVER say IRL. (That is, of course, my choice - I know others feel differently.)

Obviously, many many of you attend and even host GTGs. Can you share if you have had any apprehensions about the whole “IRL” thing?

It irritates the hell out of me to think that I would miss an opportunity to attend a GTG because of these stupid feelings.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 10:53 AM, October 8th (Thursday)]

24 comments posted: Thursday, October 8th, 2020

I need help

Yesterday I took my H to the neurologist for a nerve block for his pain. After the procedure he told the doctor his pain was 80% improved.

He was not happy about it. Acted like he couldn’t care less.

This morning he woke up yelling that it had worn off and he wanted pain meds. (Which I have just spent 6 months tapering him off of under a doctor’s care).

I called a nurse who told me she did not think it would “wear off” in 24 hours.

I think he is in dire need of therapy. I’m concerned he is mentally ill.

Can someone give me a fresh perspective???

This is 10 years of this and I think I’m going to be mentally ill if I can’t figure out how to deal with this.

This morning he prayed to die.

He has been a superstar athlete for many years of his life. I worry he is now CHOOSING “crazy” as his identity.

And I’m not saying I’m not crazy too.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:17 AM, October 7th (Wednesday)]

182 comments posted: Wednesday, October 7th, 2020

Anyone have a good program or books re anger / self control?

My 24-year-old son is on a one month “break“ from his lady and their seven-month-old son. I try not to ask exactly what happened, but basically I believe that it involves his temper, control issues, and self-control. She has admitted to him that it’s not only his fault, that she is a part of it as well.

they agree that this is just a month break to try to regroup and learn skills to manage conflict better. My son is in high gear to do whatever he can do so that he can go back home to them.

He started a new job today. In the two or three times that he and I have disagreed in the last few days, and he might normally have “gone off“ verbally on me, he has held it together.

I quoted lieshurt’s tagline about nothing can make you change except you wanting to change. I also have explain to him that just going to work every day and having positive interactions with her and wanting to change is not enough. I have explained that he needs counseling, but with Covid that has become difficult.

So I’m wondering if there could be any books that I could get for him. Nothing too academic, Just some thing that explains the maturity of controlling immediate feelings and responses in conflict situations.

Does anyone have any ideas that I could share with him?

6 comments posted: Tuesday, October 6th, 2020

Mod please.

Thank you.

1 comment posted: Monday, September 21st, 2020

Could it possible if...

...we could combine “Saturday night party time” with “SPF”???

Just sayin’...

I could use the laughs!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 3:51 PM, September 16th (Wednesday)]

4 comments posted: Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

Oh shit...I can’t taste my food 😳

Anyone know how long it is when you notice that, until other symptoms start?

I am totally paranoid, I know.

18 comments posted: Sunday, September 13th, 2020

Help understanding synchronized devices

I know absolutely nothing about technology.

That being said, someone showed me how to sync my iPad and my iPhone. I know that if I text someone on my iPhone, it also pops up on my iPad. They are both in “the cloud“ whatever that means.

I loaned my iPad to my son, and now he says he doesn’t know where it is. I’m not sure what to think about this. He could be lying of course. Or maybe he just lost it.

Either way, I’m concerned that people will be able to see what I text and what I search and perhaps even my posts on this site… Whatever I do on my phone.

I’m guessing a stranger would have to have my password to get on it… But I gave my password to my son. And he would definitely be the one that I would not want to read the things I have said on this site to you good folks.

Is this true?

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:59 AM, September 7th (Monday)]

5 comments posted: Monday, September 7th, 2020

Happy Birthday WhatsRight !!!!!!!!!!

6 comments posted: Thursday, June 25th, 2020

Health check...

This is the thing that a few of my friends / family members and I have been doing.

Every few days I just send out a “health check…“ text to them. And one by one they “report“ back to me.

Is it unrealistic to think that we could do such a thing here? That whoever was interested in participating, could just check in from time to time so that we could know who is OK and who might have some concerns we could pray for, or send positive mojo to???

So, I’ll just give it a go, and if it doesn’t “take”, it was worth a try!

HEALTH CHECK… How is everybody out there doing today?

332 comments posted: Wednesday, April 8th, 2020

Are there ever any G2Gs in the Southeast?

That's pretty much it.

3 comments posted: Friday, August 30th, 2019

User names I hate to use



I really like this woman! I just can't write it. So I use "MOB".

Once you feel a certain connection with people, it's hard for me to use some of the names.

No disrespect intended.

Any of you have any others?

11 comments posted: Sunday, August 13th, 2017

Trouble logging on to SI website

Anyone know why I would be having trouble logging onto this site from my iPad? I have no problems logging in with my iphone.

Truly weird.

Also, even though I clear all history each time, 'surviving infidelity' pops up every time I turn my phone on in 'bookmarks' and top picks & history.

I want there to be no trace of it in the event one of my kids borrows my phone and googles something starting with 's'.

3 comments posted: Sunday, July 9th, 2017

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