Newest Member: cobblerock


Me: BH (early 50s)Her: WW (early 50s)Married 25 years1 daughter, under 10DDay July 2007

16 years out, and finally recieved what I have been asking for

I haven't been here in a while. DDay was almost 16 years ago (unfortunately it took me 2 years to discover SI and learn I was doing everything wrong.) I stayed all this time because I didn't feel like I had a better choice; I won't go into details.

We've had our ups and downs, I never truly felt like WW was remorseful. I had to work to get apologies, or for her to put any effort into healing. I got us into MC about 5 years ago for other issues, but eventually the affair bubbled to the surface and never left. I've been in IC for about 1.5 years; the first year was not very effective, but the last 4 months my new therapist has been great.

In MC, I've strongly and repeatedly expressed that I have not felt true remorse, sincere apologies, or any indication I was better than the AP. WW generally listened to my complaints quietly, or argued that I don't accept the (forced) apologies that she has given. The MC would remind me that WW was with me, I won in the end...I just never felt like it. From our discussions about the AP, I knew that he was a better communicator, smart, wealthier, had a nicer house, was more successful professionally, and to top it off, had a longer package than me.

In MC, I repeatedly said that WW is putting it on me to heal the wounds she caused then blames me for not healing faster. Yet WW just really struggled to tell me any ways that I was better than the AP. I always had to ask, her answers always seemed forced, always brief and always evasive. This really bothered me and became an obsession. There were a couple of instances where I tried to prove to myself and WW that I was better. I performed tasks that I knew AP failed at, but when I pointed this out to WW, I hardly got acknowledgement; she forgot that AP had failed these even when I tried to point out that I was better, it was minimized.

Eventually, MC acknowledged we weren't getting anywhere, and maybe we should discuss splitting up or no longer returning to counseling. We stopped going, and I did start looking at law firms without her knowledge. I pretty much shut down.


A few weeks later, we went out to dinner. WW asked why I compare myself to AP (how can I not compare myself?). I responded that I felt like she already made the comparisons and I lost. She then spoke to me in ways that sounded sincere. She said AP met some communication needs that I wasn't providing at the time. She said I am definitely smarter, definitely better looking, and my package was better. She got a little descriptive, more so than ever before, so I do think she was being honest.

And, for the first time in a long long time, I felt good about myself. I felt like I was living with a person who wanted to be with me. This actually happened a couple of months ago, but I haven't felt the need to share. I also haven't obsessed over whether I am better than AP.

I have expressed that I am angry at her for taking so long to tell me how I compare favorably. I have asked her why she did that, and she doesn't really have an answer. Could she be lying about me being better? Possibly...but it is really on her. She repeatedly pointed out that I wouldn't let it go after 16 years...but she also refused to help me for 16 that is on her.

Thanks for letting me vent. I have felt pretty good about things for a few months.

15 comments posted: Friday, May 19th, 2023

Long term recovery, a rant, and some relief

I haven't shared in a while, but I need to vent about recent events.

The affair occurred well over a decade ago. I made a lot of mistakes back then with the 'pick-me' dance. I believed the gaslighting, and accepted the rugsweeping and trickle truth. Some major rugsweeping prevented me from asking anything for 3 years (hence my username). By that time, I reached a point where I just accept that this is my life, and it seems silly to hold my partner accountable now for the mistakes of 3+ years ago.

But every few months, or every few years, I wonder what she didn't tell me; why was it so important to keep stuff hidden that long. It eats at you and doesn't go away.

This has been my summer. I had questions about what occurred; fWW thought I need to forget about it, it was the past and I need to move forward. I had reached a point where I realized I DO deserve to know. I kept asking all summer; she resisted all summer. I asked nicely, I demanded, I provided detailed questions so she could be comfortable responding, and I provided tons of reasons why these were important to me. I filled in the narrative myself since she wasn't answering, and received zero validation. I have not, since DDay, received any documentation of what happened. fWW just was not going to tell me. We discussed it with MC, who also challenged me on why I needed to know..."you got the girl, move forward." (W.T.F.?) For years, I had been given tid-bits of information, and had to accept it. More recently, fWW is claiming she doesn't even remember. Yet I know there is stuff she is not telling me; and knowing she is keeping secrets means she is still protecting the relationship.

I'm a pretty balanced, low-key guy. I like MC, and I usually feel good after a session. I was again challenged as to why I need to know more, what it will get me. I pointed out that, as important as this is for me to know, it is more important for her to hide it. But after months of trying and failing to get answers, and being told by both MC and fWW that more detailed information will not help me...I had a meltdown. I know I deserve the information, and was appalled that they both think I have enough.

Well, on the way home, I asked some questions of WW, and got some useful answers.

Later in the day, I tried to ask more questions, but was met with resistance. I had a major meltdown/blowup and left.
Later in the evening, I tried again, was again met with initial resistance, then she finally agreed to give some answers.

And lo-and-behold, the answers were useful. They made me feel better about myself, WW and the nature of her relationship with AP. The way WW answered questions, she sounded honest rather than looking for what she thought I wanted to hear. WW sounded like she had regrets beyond getting caught. Honestly, the relationship sounded boring, made me feel like I'm glad I'm not that guy. Weirdly, if that is what fWW wants, have at it (and I could see how maybe sometimes she does want that.)

There is plenty more that I learned. I feel a bit vindicated. MC and WW thought they knew better than I did what is good for me...they didn't. I shared some of this via a note to MC, in part to have actual documentation, and in part to point out why this information was useful to me. I suspect MC didn't realize how many gaps there were in my knowledge. I hope WW and MC understand that I didn't even know what I didn't know, so there was no way to justify needing to know it.

What am I going to do with this new information? The good news is it made me feel good about myself; I am still livid that it takes sooooo much effort to get it. If and when there is another MC session, I WILL make sure they know I was right and they were wrong. Petty? Maybe, but IDGAF.

8 comments posted: Wednesday, October 5th, 2022

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