SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am curious to hear from people who have told their family and/or friends about their WS's infidelity.

Basically I am wondering what was your reason for telling?

This is something coming up for me right now. I have told 3 friends and my sister about my WH's cheating. No one else. He has told his sister and a couple of close guy friends.

At first I thought I wouldn't tell anyone else unless we didn't work things out. R is going well at this moment but I know we aren't far along yet.

I haven't told the rest of my family (basically my parents and grandmother) or my kids (they are 17 and 19 and not his kids). He hasn't told his kids (they are in their very early 20s and do not live in the same state as us.

I don't want to tell my kids unless we are not able to reconcile. At that point I would tell them as a cautionary tale of what happens if you cheat. I don't really want him to tell his kids, either.

My mother is a fWW and it caused so much FOO issues for me.

A part of me kind of wants to tell my parents and grandmother but I am not sure why I want to tell them. My parents aren't people that are good in a crisis. My mother doesn't give me motherly advice, she never has. She is more like a needy girlfriend to me and my sister. I have the support of my friends, my sister and IC.

I don't feel any need to tell any other friends. I have told those that I am close with that are really supportive and I feel it was the right call to make, they have been supportive and loving.

I think that maybe one reason for telling them would be because I want to make sure I am not making this easy on WH. He is doing what he needs to right now. He told me he supports whatever I choose to do, said he would go to them and tell them if I wanted him to. I don't think I want him to go to them, I think I would talk to them.

But they likely won't make me feel any better. My grandmother is 78 and will be very sad to hear about this. She actually would be the most supportive of the 3 of them. I believe my grandfather was also a fWH. But I also think she would be heartbroken for me. And she really loves WH.

Sorry if this is disjointed. Trying to think this through and can't quite put my finger on why or why not to tell.

I think it is mostly not wanting it to be easy on him but I don't feel at peace with that. Because it isn't easy on him, I am making requirements for R that he is working on. We aren't legally married so he would technically be WSO not WH. And we don't have kids together. So in a lot of ways I feel he has chosen to R for the right reasons, not because it is easier.

What say you, Reconcilers? Wait a little while and see what I feel later?

[This message edited by stubbornft at 2:56 PM, June 9th (Wednesday)]

I told my dad because my dad is my boss and I wasn't functioning at my job for a while. Also told a friend and my cousin. I was hoping for some IRL support, and my cousin has been good making me laugh and forgetting about it for a bit.

I told 2 friends the truth, simply because I needed support and was not getting it from WH. I needed someone to hear me, someone to be on my side, someone to tell me I wasn't insane. I did not tell family I didn't want to ruin my WH's relationship with my family should things work out.

Of the 2 friends I told, one has treated my H with love and compassion. The other hates his guts and wants him to disappear. But I am glad I told them, they gave me the love and support I needed at the time when I needed it most.

I told everyone but his family. I did not care what people thought of us. It did not have anything to do with my staying. I just needed to vent. I still do.Almost 8 years later.

I told because I needed the support. I was a mess and was having a lot of trouble hiding it. Told several people/friends at work, told my sister, he told his sister (she told her boyfriend). Our son knows at a very very high level that daddy was dishonest (son was blaming me for what was going on, I was being mean to dad, being awful, etc.). The step/bonuskids don't know anything, but if we separate then I would tell them.

Would have told my mom had she been alive.

If there were more people I trusted, I would have told more people. lol

I didn't go scorched earth. Most of the people I told only know me, not my WH. I have no doubt he would have preferred that nobody know.

Me telling really had nothing to do with hurting my WH, or disparaging him or anything like that. It was all for me, and I don't regret it for one second.

I can tell you all about who I told and why... but that's MY family.

I think that any BS should feel OK telling ANYONE (or everyone) they want to.

One thing that did ultimately "hit" me was I think if I'd kept it secret from my family (esp my dad), they would be hurt. Funny thing about this healing stuff... turns out they LOVE me and would actually WANT to be supportive when I'm going through the worst things that have ever happened in my life.

I've not told my immediate/local social circle, and that really bothers me. Feels like I'm my own wayward on that front by keeping such a huge secret. But, at least one member of my girl posse would have a VERY hard time keeping it confidential, and I really don't want my entire community knowing my beeswax.

ETA:

Me telling really had nothing to do with hurting my WH, or disparaging him or anything like that. It was all for me, and I don't regret it for one second.

ditto. I was an ABSOLUTE basket case for a very long time and I REALLY needed that support, and I did get it.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 5:01 PM, June 9th, 2021 (Wednesday)]

It sounds like you have already made wise decisions about who to tell and who not to tell. If I were you, I would leave it as it is. I told 3 very close female friends and my 2 siblings as soon as Dday occurred. And I told them some pretty awful stuff. I was just in such shock that I wanted their support and therefore needed them to know the craziness of WH's actions in order for them to understand. But now that we are doing well in R, I regret telling them. All of them have managed the relationship with WH really well since he returned from our 6 month separation. I'm amazed and impressed by them all - but it also speaks to their love for and trust in him pre craziness. One close friend is a hold out so far. But I think she'll come around. I will NEVER tell his 3 adult daughters what happened, as they would be horrified and the story would color their relationship with their Dad, which is otherwise very good. I don't necessarily like having to "protect" him this way, but I think of it more as protecting them. I think it's really important to think this through - as it appears you have.

On DDay 1, I told one of my close friends in town, my sister, and my BFF who lives out of town. On DDay 2, just my sister and my BFF. WH told no one until DDay 2, and then he confessed to a mutual friend (who also told his wife, we are couple friends and I knew that would be the case and was ok bc the friend is a former sex addict and I knew I could trust both of them). Another friend of mine guessed, but we've only had a conversation about dishonesty, nothing specific.

From Day 1, I said that *I* was the only one who could choose if people knew. I still feel that way. If he can make all of those choices to have the affair, the very least he can do is turn that power over to me exclusively. He agrees.

I almost had him tell his parents bc we were going on a family trip with them a few weeks after DDay 2 and I wasn't sure if I was going so instead of a lie, I was going to have him tell the truth. I ended up going, and TBH I'm glad I decided against it. His parents are judgmental. They would find a way to make it my fault - after all, their perfect Catholic kid married a non-Catholic kid of divorced parents. They would never be a support system for either of us.

I did not tell my parents bc I saw what my sister's cheating husband did to family relationships (they are just weird and strained) and I did not want the same to happen. Besides, my mom is a BW herself and I just want her to not worry about me. The only problem I have with not telling them is that they think my WH is the best thing since sliced bread and that we are the perfect couple with the perfect family. I hate that because I feel like a liar.

Overall, if we divorce, I would not lie. But because I don't want to be whispered about or judged (which I live in a small suburb and 100% we'd be the talk of the town), I stay silent. I do hate the feeling like I'm a liar or being inauthentic, but it's best now.

My kids unfortunately know. I would not have told them.

I told a ton of people. Some of our close friends. Her kids. My family. My dad who totally saved my life btw. Two coworkers and my boss cause i couldn't work for shit. All were supportive and some were the most beautiful people you can imagine.

One reason i told so many people is we were supposed to go on vacation the next day with a host of our friends. 30 minutes or so after I found out she was cheating she started things off by explaining to our friends and her kids that the reason we weren't going on vacation was because she and I had a fight and I lost my temper so bad she got scared and her kids wouldn't be going.

My stepson asked me "what did you say to mom that made her so mad she doesn't want any of us to go on vacation - can't you control your temper for five minutes" (or similar...not verbatim). My entire life was turned upside down and she had the audacity to blame me for wrecking the vacation? I thought no way I'm taking any blame whatsoever for any of that bullshit. So I told the whole world starting with her kids (they are both over 18 and old enough to understand infidelity).

Turns out it was good for me. I got a TON of support from everyone. I have some good friends and family. My advice is tell people who love you and who will want to help and nobody else.

Thank you all I really appreciate the feedback so much!

gmc:

One thing that did ultimately "hit" me was I think if I'd kept it secret from my family (esp my dad), they would be hurt.

This is how I feel about my sons. Especially the oldest. I think he would be upset if he knew he was hanging out with a guy that cheated on his mom. It definitely causes me some conflict.

And I don't want his kids to know, even though they are grown, because they would probably be pretty unkind to him about it. And I wouldn't blame them. But his relationship with them is already strained so I don't think burdening them with it is a good idea. It wouldn't benefit anyone in my opinion.

Me telling really had nothing to do with hurting my WH, or disparaging him or anything like that. It was all for me, and I don't regret it for one second.

I can believe and understand that! It wouldn't be my motivation for telling, either.

I told them because I was planning to D him. I didn’t want the immrdfsmimy to be blindsided LOL.

I didn’t tell anyone. Too embarrassed.

I told EVERYONE.

I sent out emails with evidence to my ex-wife affair partners girlfriend with my number. (Met with her to discuss a lot of things)

I sent out emails with evidence to my ex-wifes parents.

I sent emails with evidence out to all our mutual friends and anyone who contacted me who thought I was being unreasonable for leaving my ex-wife.

I called my parents and brother, told them what she had done.

Those emails and calls killed her relationship with AP immediately. Her family and friends told her how wrong she was, they couldn't support her in what she was doing.

I got sick and tired of people questioning me on why I left as my Ex-Wife would not tell them, except to say I was mean and a bad person. This all changed with the emails I sent with attachments.

Now was it mean to do this to my ex-wife? Some here will say yes, some will say no. She was wrong to go outside the marriage then blame her affair by lying to all our friends and family. She said we had issues and I was being unreasonable. (I guess that because I do not believe in sharing my wife with another man is being an issue that was unreasonable.). Oh well, I don't care. I believe in the truth will set your free and I set myself free.

I was Livid! and sick of people acting like it was no big deal or that I caused an issue. I didnt cause shit. they both did this and his family was like well we want the ow (the 24 yrs old) to forgive him. even tho I had been with him for 7 yrs and he helped raise my 2 kids. we are 45/46. the girl is also a meth head so I made sure to tell everyone that and that HE had a past with drugs too, so that none of her family would support it. I dont know what happened. He just told me they all got it. I dont even care of it made me look nuts. they can google me and see I dont have any criminal history, unlike both of them.

I exposed it for two purposes.

1. Intervention

B. Support for me

No more, no less. I exposed it to those whom I thought could provide an intervention into her addict mind, and I exposed it to those I knew would provide support to me.

She hated that I told anyone what happened. I'm still not sure that she has told anyone post-A other than our 2 MCs and 1 friend who brushed it aside.

Right after like within days of finally having proof I told my sister, my parents, his mother, and my staff.

I had been trying to get proof and figure out why my H had changed and become such a mean asshole. I had lost 40 lbs due to the stress prior to, everyone was concerned about me and I had been questioning my own sanity for about 6 months. So I wanted a few close people to know just in case he did something crazy. For safety. Yes he was so off I wasn't sure he wouldn't hurt me. I mean physically.....he'd obviously hurt me mentally and emotionally.

Then we headed down the path of R. He told his best friend. We were all extremely close and his friend helped him pull his head out of his ass.

Now as we healed and Rd, I really didn't feel the need to tell others or to hide it. I have shared our entire story with friends who have been cheated on or were cheating. It helped them to know that I understood what they were going through and for them to see what it to to R successfully. Its not a secret by any means now 12+years out. But I will absolutely share our journey with anyone who is struggling. I think ours is a typical mid life crisis story and we got off to a rough start. I was horribly Cod. So there is a lot to learn about what was done right and what made it bad and harder. And that standing up for what you know is right gets a good outcome. Not necessarily R but demanding the respect you deserve.

I told no one IRL but have made a close friend here that knows almost every detail.

A BS gets to tell whoever they want, whenever they want, and for any reason they choose to. It's not the BS's job to protect the WS from the consequences of their (ws) behavior.

I totally understand the shame part, but I think that 1. IRL support is absolutely vital for the BS and 2. Telling people can help a BS to let go of the 'shame' piece and 3. Sharing with close friends can help a BS get some honest feedback and hopefully objectivity from people who know them and their WS.

My mom is a recovering alcoholic and early on in her recovery she learned that she was only as sick as the secrets she kept. That came back to me a lot when I was trying R. Keeping his secret wasn't healthy for me.

I had no choice, WH left two weeks after things started to come out, so EVERYONE knew. It wasn’t awful as I’m a talker, I talk things through over and over again until I find my answers so it gave me lots of ears which has been a blessing.

Tbh I am actually really pleased about that now because it’s meant that WH is even more accountable to continue to work on himself and I have support in all areas of my life as I go through this reconciliation journey.

I still talk about my experience to people who have met me since, because I want to reframe the narrative around infidelity a little, and I find people are genuinely interested in a view that doesn’t go down the ‘something wrong in the marriage, getting needs met’ mentality but that’s a different thread! And as Ellie has said it certainly let’s go of the shame and puts me back in the front seat of my life story.

Ultimately you do you! You tell who you need to get the support YOU need and the consequences to WH are for him to deal with.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 2:19 AM, June 13th (Sunday)]

Because after 18 months of my WW's selfishness and unwillingness to be honest with me and make an effort to provide me/us with an authentic connection I decided that I was going to get it from the people that I knew would. I was more than fair in this, if for no other reason than the fact I warned her repeatedly that if she didn't change/improve that I would find support with others and I would not hold back. I suppose she thought I was bluffing and consequently, she has lost face with my family.

Ironically, she had no problems talking about me to her family but the moment I opened up to mine she got straight up angry with me. Her response to this was to share something embarrassing and private about me with her family...that's not a guess. When I confronted her she admitted that she told them out of anger and retribution for me opening up about how she'd treated me with my family.

Yes, I recognize how vile and abusive that treatment is.

To this date my having opened up to others about her treatment of me upsets her but she doesn't get so upset about her actions which had twisted motivations to harm me. She has said she regrets doing so but her body language and tone doesn't lie to me. I know she feels just in doing it. So things go when some exhibits traits of a covert N.

I encourage anyone who is alone while their WS fumbles around acting aloof to tell at least their family and close friends. Tell those who have a track record of being there for you.

[This message edited by NotMyFirstRodeo at 10:57 AM, June 13th (Sunday)]