Newest Member: Imthecheater


Stop trying to outsmart the truth and let it have its day.

A WS's boundaries in life, in general.

It may not need to be said. But we'll operate with the presupposition that a WS has/have/had a lack of proper boundaries with AP's. With that said we can table that aspect of boundaries.

My question is more precisely about what BS's have observed of their WS's boundaries with friends, family and in general, others that are not AP's (nor known objects of desire/passion/etc.).

As a rule, do WS's struggle with proper boundaries* of all sorts or is it a more "selective" issue with AP's/sources of desire? What's your experience?

*when I say proper boundaries, I am speaking of a lack of boundaries and not overly strict boundaries. Although it'd be interesting to see how great a divide separates a BS that experienced extremely strict boundaries VS the loose boundaries extended to the AP.

31 comments posted: Friday, October 8th, 2021

When I'm honest with myself I freely admit

that I live vicariously through the members that were/are strong enough to do what I didn't. I'm also pretty jealous of everyone who learned of early on.

No pitty party diatribe. No woe is me talk. It's just how it is.

13 comments posted: Saturday, September 4th, 2021

BH's: How does knowing she was your first/only affect you?

I suppose the title says it all.

Me? I am having a hard time putting the way it affects me into words.

This isn't to say single guys should whore themselves out for the sake of protecting themselves from this as a proactive step. But there's some big part of me that finds me feeling a certain way about how popular culture sees males as players and women as wholesome creatures.

19 comments posted: Friday, June 11th, 2021

"If you don't stir it, it won't stink"

That was my FIL's feedback for my WW when she told him some version of my need to ask questions and/or talk about her infidelity (post countless accounts of her lying to me about details and hiding history from me). Then she recounted how he told her he'd never recommend her just bring up something I don't know about (be honest) because he can't see how it would help us....

She told me all of this as though it was some kind of irrefutable logic that would take the air out of my willingness to ask questions or talk about her thoughts and actions with multiple OM over 18 years.

Is it no surprise that the R has not progressed and I've check out?

How is this real life?

34 comments posted: Tuesday, May 4th, 2021

Best way I can describe how it feels to be lied to and know it:

WS: lies, claims they're not lying.

BS: know they're lying, you tell them and they double down.


It's like someone walking up to you and they slowly begin to slide a knife into your gut.

You exclaim how they're hurting you...they're literally beginning to kill you and end your life. "Please, just stop."

With a heartfelt tone, an empathetic face and deep concern they tell you how you're wrong. You're not in your right mind and they are trying to help you. No knife is present and one certainly is not being slid into your body. You're confused. You're not in your right mind. You need to just trust them.

You begin to say something else but they kindly "shhhhh" you with a soft face. But they don't stop. The knife continues to travel deeper and the whole time you're being assured that you're just not understanding the situation. You're confused.

They have the kind, familiar face of a loved one but your system is going into shock and you're starting to lose vision. Things are going dark. As your sight fades to black you find yourself in the prone position and the last thing you recall is hearing them softly "shhhhh" you as though you're an infant being put to sleep spoken by someone who says they are there to protect you.

Except, it's not some stranger. It's the person you trust more than anyone.

*The void overtakes you*

The closest thing to this that I've seen is the scene in Saving Private Ryan where the German soldier is slowly sliding the knife into the US soldier. There is an obvious battle occurring in that scene and both know their lives are on the line. In that way it's very different for most BS's. But anyone who's seen it, they no doubt remember it.

But unlike the movie, it's possible to wake up from this assault. When you wake up you realize that they are prepared to steal your life and you don't feel pain, you feel anger. For others...maybe me...the knife never stops traveling. It has indefinite length.

Sometimes I can't tell if I've woken up or if I am still in the middle of the efforts to end my life. The uncertainty is it's own kind of torture.

10 comments posted: Sunday, April 11th, 2021

Implications of a WS's secrets while attempting R

In terms of a WS which claims to be doing what they can to reconcile, what do you feel are the implications of secrets a WS keeps; from events prior to DD and post DD?

Can they honestly claim to be giving real effort for R while harboring secrets from their BS in any way? How minor does a "secret" need to be to circumvent the claim they're all in on R?

My questions apply to infidelity-related topics as well as those not infidelity-related.

8 comments posted: Tuesday, March 9th, 2021

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