Newest Member: Papi


Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later that debt is paid.

Question about R with an avoidant WS (that may truly want R)

How can it be possible that a BS truly reconcile with a BS who has an avoidant personality? How is genuine connection ever supposed to fire up? I'm feeling more and more certain that a BS facing this must accept things as they've always been (no thanks....) or leave as real R isn't possible.

I've hit a very hard wall in this regard. My WS avoids authentic discussion/connection with me despite, what I genuinely feel is, her being sorry for her actions. Authentic connection to her is as colors are to a colorblind person from birth. Who of us would be frustrated with t a colorblind person who couldn't understand your description of colors? Or who of us would be angered by a toddler not understanding why taxes are withdrawn from a paycheck? We'd likely have sympathy for rightly ignorant souls, no?

I've had years to observe how she responds to everything and the best I can come up with is that there is a war within herself and she can't overcome avoiding reality (now AND "then").

IMHO, she wishes she could connect but suffers from FOO issues which override her personal wants to address (according to me) within our M. The idea of CSA has become more and more realistic to me but she'd never speak of it AFAIAC.

I believe she is carrying some baggage/trauma from her youth that I can't help her with and it's a serious handicap for our healing from the damage she's created between us. Her IC was an exercise in futility. For reasons I can't get into at the moment, I know that she worked the avoidant angle with her IC as she has with me over the years and IC proved fruitless. She manipulated the IC so that she heard what she wanted and the IC's were too aloof to counteract this. My .02 on this are not presumed.

The nuances are great and, admittedly, I have a tendency to get lost in the weeds so I'll try to be brief by saying this. R with an avoidant personality is like fighting someone you can't see and can't touch. You feel the blows and sure, you may have an ability to stay on your feet a long time due to your iron jaw but you also know how it must end knowing that you can't see or touch what you're fighting.

8 comments posted: Saturday, June 25th, 2022

Why a WS can't use a BS's mistakes or failures as an excuse for their infidelity

Whatever the idiosyncrasy, mistake, irritation, stupid decision, failure, etc. a WS uses as rationale for their infidelity or resentment, it simply can't be compared to nor used to justify infidelity. We are all "work in progress"... the WS have their own version of an idiosyncrasy, mistake, irritation, stupid decision, etc. which the BS could have used to rationalize infidelity. We all share in being less than perfect and both parties signed up for patience with one another. Imperfection is omni present within all relationships.

Yet, it was only the WS that chose to commit treason.

If your WS attempts to use your mistakes as some kind of excuse for infidelity, don't accept it. Don't accept it anymore than you'd find them burning down your home because they thought you had been too lazy to start the dishwasher before going to bed as being reasonable.

To get to the point of committing treason, chances are that they stopped being reasonable in how they saw your mistakes a long time prior. The scale they use to identify and dish out fairness is faulty and broken. Listen for areas to work on yourself. That's a healthy practice for a person. Don't stop doing this as this is a "you problem" you'll always need to give attention to as an imperfect person. But I warn you to not rely on someone with a long-broken scale to tell you how much something weighs. I guarantee the scale will always be in their favor.

18 comments posted: Wednesday, March 2nd, 2022

Administrators: Is it possible/practical to provide the ability to create polls?

I'm guessing this is a more appropriate place to ask than the General forum but the title kind of says it all. Is this a thing that forum administration has considered making available to thread creators?


3 comments posted: Thursday, November 25th, 2021

Implications of a WS's secrets while attempting R

In terms of a WS which claims to be doing what they can to reconcile, what do you feel are the implications of secrets a WS keeps; from events prior to DD and post DD?

Can they honestly claim to be giving real effort for R while harboring secrets from their BS in any way? How minor does a "secret" need to be to circumvent the claim they're all in on R?

My questions apply to infidelity-related topics as well as those not infidelity-related.

8 comments posted: Tuesday, March 9th, 2021

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