1 year after finding out about his second life
I was the 46 yr old woman who's bf of 8 yrs was cheating with a 23 yr old meth addict. I wanted to update and say after a year he went back to drugs now too. He lost his high stake job, his rental, his health. to the day of finding out he cheated, he was evicted. He had not paid his bills in nearly 2 yrs. He and the young gf have been on and off. His whole family now knows he is an addict, and a screw up. on moving day he had only his old dad to help him. no friends, no gf (who I guess is a stripper for the past yr and likely they are on and off as well)
While it does make me happy to see karma showed up in full swing to the day he made my world crumble, I am also saddened that a person I cared for will likely die of an overdose soon. He looks terrible. I have seen him several times in passing and last week he was 6 ft in front of me.
I on the other hand, was devestated, pregnant when he left me and traumatized me beyond all belief, I am still healing but feeling really clear. I lost our baby, which was for the best clearly. I am working in a job I love, flourishing in my travels and sight seeing, I am making double to triple what I was before and I am happy because I am not taking care of him or constantly worrying where he was or why he wasn't with me.
I had a trauma bond with a covert narcissist. I've known him since I was 14 and he is the only person I have fully trusted and loved so deeply. It's a tragic love story really. He was a good person more often then not but I see when drugs got involved, he lost it all.
He lost his whole life and the few things he excelled at. He has nothing to him name.
His last line to me in person was: You deserve better. and I said I absolutely do.
and that's the whole lesson. He did me a favor by doing the 2 things I would never forgive- he cheated and he lied about my character. His family that I lost, was my only family. Im still mourning that... but were ok. My kids that grew with him had to mourn too. I'm angry for them but its better. we are ok.
I wanted you to know, if you are going thru this and you can't imagine living, you will. You may even flourish as I have. In my case, my ex knew I deserved better and he couldn't give it me. He fought demons constantly and gave into them and he didn't want me or my kids to see it. I still love him for what we had but he has died in my mind. Bad things happen... if you can get in nature, counseling, travel to see that there is so much more out there, you will thrive again too.
7 comments posted: Sunday, May 1st, 2022
i found out the whole truth finally- update
I haven't been on in while but wanted to update. In March I found out my on and off bf of 7.5 yrs who I was fully on with was cheating with a girl younger then my kids, half our age and had many drug records, as had he years prior. He had been clean so I thought... I found out the whole story in April when his other woman decided to call me on his cell and all hell broke loose. she was also being cheated on but was stalking me and I had to go into court against her where I won.
They were on for sometime. and then broke up cause 1, they are addicts. 2. she has severe mental issues and 3. because there relationship was built on lies and cheating. they are back on again.
It took me about 2 months to shake my head clear. I was like an addict coming out of a cycle and I still feel it at times... me trying to break the routine of normal with him. (I have never drank much or used drugs so I have no clue what being an addict is like) but I know our yo yo life of me trying to let go only to have him love bomb me again and I go back to his future faking lies.
Shes in his grip doing the same thing now. its comical in some ways to see someone else fall for it so easy. she had repeated to me much of what I have said to others about him but she is young and vulnerable. I was a parent and way wiser to still fall for him. We sometimes do this when we dont have signs of abuse or verbal abuse but I had to see he was indeed abusing me by lying, avoiding, silent treatment, hiding from his responsibilities, leaving his family, telling his parents it was my fault when they were also my family and I relied on them. all that HURT coming out of it. I lost alot.
He cheated so many times now that I had time to look back. he had emotional affairs for years. he would hide texts, delete them... be out w an ex or see her and boast about it but know I could care less cause I never felt threatened. The issue was, he used that to get away with it. and he is cheating on the girl now. He has talked terrible about her and she would not believe it when I told her this months back. He called her nuts and told me about her mental issue and meds which she agreed she had. she told me about her addictions them distributing drugs, one being to my daughter. The DEA was called many times yes. why he is not in jail yet is beyond me. and the issue w that is, he walks around like he got away with all this... like he is even better then before. But I see him. he is not happy. He is weak, and so heavy set. He is poisoning himself and trying to boast about his girl by posting pics of her at 3am, where they just shagged and she looks awful. she was always awful looking and very heavy set too. looks like she got hit with an iron pan in the face.
My point is, you can be here and just find out and be devestated and now even sure you will make it. I was there. I had my major ups and downs. I didnt know if I would live. But when I could clear my head, get away on a vacation I almost didnt take... it allowed me to be free of him. free of the hell he put me and the kids thru. free of the story I was in and start over. and I had to do it again. I took another trip for my birthday to celebrate in a place I love and not be triggered by him (since he works very close to my house and I see both of their cars every week) I could laugh and be celebrated and bask in the sun and have women support me and my growth. I never thought I would come out or trust or date or even sleep w someone again. I did all that. and it was FABULOUS.
If you are new here and stuck, frozen, paralyzed, broken, crying till there is nothing left, I want you to know this is not the end. I was not going to leave my guy fully till he did the absolute worst and when he did, a switch came over me. I never looked back other then to process it. he was not worthy of me and he showed me all this over and over thru the years. I just was too stubborn and committed to let go. If someone shows you how awful they can be, believe them! there are wonderful people out there that will love you properly. and maybe you choose to be single. thats perfect too.
I am not the sad debilitated person I was in April. I am flourishing and happy. I am still figuring it out and Im so happy Im not with him. exercise was a major must for me to get out tension and steam. to clear my mind. I highly suggest a power walk or something at least a few times a week. I also chose to write about this and have several chapters done on the book about infidelity. (I am an author already)
I'm still waiting for Karma bus to hit them but overall I am getting more done and mentally feeling stable vs constantly worried what he was doing or not doing.
I wish you healing and power to move forward one day at a time.
11 comments posted: Wednesday, October 20th, 2021
I'm feeling healed
I cannot find my old past with the new website update. I had them all bookmarked but it wont go to them.
I was the girl in a 7.5 yr on and off. he cheated after we got back together, with a meth addict and he is using and selling drugs. I was pregnant and his family blamed me and wont talk to me. the new gf continues to drive by my house. he refuses to talk to me or check in on me so he has no clue if I am well or not. the point is, he doesnt care nor is he taking care of his responsibilities so that was answer enough.
I had to go on meds for stds due to these irresponsible idiots. My kids were hurt and lost their second family because of him. I see his car constantly and its triggering me less. I feel way less. I see the relationshit was just that. crumbs and nothingness.
I had a debilitating fear of being intimate with anyone else for decades yet I was on a trip and someone pursued me and I went for it. I felt pretty much cured from that passionate night, I saw him again on the next trip (he flew to see me) and although I may not continue something with him in the future, he instilled this feeling over me which was butterflies, confidence, sexy, feeling free and alive again. he has a special place in this transition of growth. I realized I was just a mama and taking care of this cheating grown man for 7.5 yr and not really being fun like I truly am cause I was raising him. lol. Digusting actually.
I had gone on a few dates with the fittest hot guys I could ask for! and some I just had fun and no physical anything but there is another person I hit it off with and had no clue anything would happen and I was quite surprised when it did. and enjoyed it thoroughly. Im in my prime and realizing I was not getting it enough and I quite enjoy my sexuality when I can. I thought I was only for this one guy from highschool and I was wrong. so this is a new territory for me and I love it.
the healing happened because in this amount of time of sleeping with the 1st guy till now, I have not thought about my ex more then a few times (including one dream) and I have not cried or dwelled on it. not read one book about infidelity or the bs i had to go thru. I can eat, and laugh and dance a ton and truly enjoy my life right now.
in April I wanted to die. I didnt want to feel pain of cheating or a loss again. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and never see light again. today my business is thriving and sustaining us, I am traveling again, I am dating and I am so happy. I see he was not the person for me. He was lazy and fat and so unhealthy. he put me down and never got me gifts even on bdays or holidays. he made excuses and slept till 1-3pm. he rarely helped with the kids and never w the house. I was glamourizing the past years with him and hoping he'd return to that. I truly loved him in all his bad habits back then. yet I would not live with him till he showed me he was responsible. in that time I found out he has tons of debt and more charges against him on his record. Dea is still investigating him for drug selling and guns he owns when he cannot. He is a dick and he is not going anywhere and he chose another who is less of a person so that he can get away w all this crap. so yeah I deserve better as he said and Im getting that.
My goal is to not date several for long because I want something serious w one person but Im learning this process right now and I really like it. too see so many men really trying and being themselves with more thought and responsibilities then my ex is awesome and Im so excited. I know there is a good guy out there for me.
I just wanted to update because I was in such despair back in March and never thought I would make it. well I did. and this side is shining so much brighter! I hope it doesnt end.
3 comments posted: Monday, September 6th, 2021
2months since DD
I went from shocked and angry to super sad and paralyzed in some ways. I dont feel good at all. I feel lifeless and could care less about the future now.
Its just too much. Cant see my counselor for a month cause she is booked out.
I leave for a vacation tomorrow but dont even want to go. I worry I will die there. Im absolutely heartbroken knowing my ex is a cheater and a liar.
26 comments posted: Monday, July 5th, 2021
court went great!
I dont want to go into too much detail but I won. The mistress is stalking me so I need to file a police report. in court she didnt deny it and she had the chance to do so/ object. neither one were prepared, had no evidence and no paperwork at all. I was shocked. my ex showed some remorse and looked terrible. they were both dressed very inappropriately for court. this is the 1st time I had to see her in 2 months. and him in a month. she was dumber then a box o rocks. fumbling, very vague, neither could get any dates right or even specify the info requested so I won easily. Perhaps both were high. after the hearing they sent my exs info to warrant processing.
anyway, my lawyer stated the OW made him do all this so when it came down to it, he saw me and he dropped it. I know she has crap on him, but I have it on both... so pick your battle dude. Do whats right! I just want him to wake up but realistically he is using so he wont.
Its crazy how I won and had such a huge victory to get this OW off my back and I just feel so sad now. I think for 2 weeks I was enthralled with the aspects of court I forgot about the rest. now Im back at it. i feel like I have stockholm syndrome.
when he looked at me on the stand and apologized, I felt it. he was suppose to talk to the judge but turned to me, looked me in the eyes to say it. I nodded. I miss parts of him. Im worried for him. this OW is clearly and truly insane and he is stuck. He has never been man enough to stand up for himself or fight people off. he is totally passive which is what I hated and why I always rescued him (when I saw him hurting or leaning towards wanting to use. this is why they say I saved his life, cause I literally did several times)
I have known him for a very long time, I feel when something is off and wrong. he is in trouble right now mentally and w her... even though he hurt me and allowed this OW to cause us mental harm and stalked us, I'm worried he will get worse. I left it open for him to talk to me. I don't want to see him overdose or die. Id rather see him go to jail/prison.
Now Im trying to decide if I go on solo vacation to get my head clear and relaxed or keep going and save $. I lost so much weight and need to sleep normal again. the thought of travel sounds horrid (just getting there) but to be around my friends in a city I know sounds perfect. Im still a single parent at home w no help whatsoever.
13 comments posted: Wednesday, June 30th, 2021
DD 6 weeks ago- restraining order
who has had to deal with this and what was your plan of action?
Nevermind, I won.
[This message edited by lifestoshort at 3:03 PM, June 28th (Monday)]
0 comment posted: Thursday, June 17th, 2021
app for printing off messages from fb
I need this for court. any suggestions? I tried the fb steps and it wont show messages of the contact. I have well over 500 that I need to print off.
2 comments posted: Wednesday, June 16th, 2021
do any of you feel like you cant trust your instincts?
when moving forward and then maybe wanting to talk with people or date again, do any of you worry so much about not being able to see the red flags or listen to your intuition to not get another WS?
I already see that a few I chatted with were people my kids knew! My adult daughter said omg, that guy dated my friends mom, stole from her and is a coke addict.
(wtf, gah, I liked him!)
so now I worry since I never dated from an app, that I cant trust anything. and the people I have dated in the past were friends of friends who all had some shady ass past or abusive. this is why I stayed with the bf for 7 yrs. he was the safest bet, until he was cheating... with people my kids age :( eww
I have no close friends in my area. all have kids and super busy. so Im sorta on my own. I dont go out much and never ever to bars. Im not a drinker.
[This message edited by lifestoshort at 11:21 PM, May 26th (Wednesday)]
28 comments posted: Wednesday, May 26th, 2021
how do you deal when triggered?
my 7 yr relationship ended by me figuring out too much and the OW calling me to see what was up. its only been 2.5 weeks. he tried to trap her and get her pregnant. since she didnt get her period yet (she does drugs, smokes, drinks, sleeps at like 5am to 2pm cause partying all night) shes also a child so barely understands how the pill works.... anyway he knew she didnt want a kid so he tried to get her pregnant. same with me.
she decided since she was "late" that she should go back to him. i knew it would not last. shes dumb, I told her twice I was with him and to back off, so she likes the thrill too. no way she is pregnant. they last had sex on the 3rd day in her cycle. I know how to do the math.
so tonight im triggered. what do you all do when you dont R, you got lied to for ages and he did it to the other woman too and the Other person goes back to the cheater? I mean how do you not want to break everything he owns? his family lied to me, her, I mean he has no track record after all this. exposed us both to stds and herpes. Im just shocked this young thing would go back. the one that basically lives in her car. that has a dog thats locked up in another house and she leave there to hang and do drugs w my now ex. (I didnt know he was reusing till recently and he is selling too)
I truly dont want him. I have seen all his sides but knowing he was NOT with her till recent had made my life so great. I was doing really well. now racing thoughts again and visions. why cant he pay for at least a while?
[This message edited by lifestoshort at 12:35 AM, May 16th (Sunday)]
22 comments posted: Sunday, May 16th, 2021
from shock to crying then angry. now nothing?
In a matter of days of finding out, I hit every emotion possible but now just 2 weeks later I dont feel much. Does this mean Im kidding myself about healing or does it mean I can see it all clearly and what I thought I had, wasnt, so I can walk away easily?
Im NOT crying. In fact I only cried the day after I found out and maybe once more. so twice. Ive been ANGRY but for a week Im not. Just living and waking and repeating my groundhog day scenario as I start over each day.
Should I feel more?
I feel like the girl from the Ted Bundy movie. He was all suave and amazing alone but in real life was a nut job with a 2nd life. Maybe I feel some relief. or less stress cause he was causing me so much stress prior? I said to him he was making me sick so now that he's gone, maybe I am away from the toxic so thats why I feel normal?
anyone else have this and a take on it?
4 comments posted: Friday, May 14th, 2021
what to do with yourself in the early stages
so everyone says you are so new to this just ____.
what did you all do?
Did you keep yourself occupied? see a dr? go to the gym? go take a vacation? lock yourself in the bedroom? start checking out dating apps to see who is out there? resign to never date again? Seek counseling? start talking to yourself? anything, please let me know.
Im on here reading and answering. I cannot work at all. I can barely think straight nor can eat much. I am seeing therapist every 2 weeks as well. I journal 1-2 times a day.
14 comments posted: Wednesday, May 5th, 2021
How do you get over the ocd visions and...
the visions and the needing to know whats happening.
both the OW and I are not with him. so I think. so my mind is wandering all night now about the what if.
I know someones gunna say dont think about it and move on. sorry but I cant tell my brain what to do right now. I am trying to distract as much as possible down to buying a freekin cbd pen. I dont do anything but needed anything to calm me and sleeping pills werent even doing it.
I know that some of you who reconciled went thru this. you probably drove by, snooped, wanted more answers. I only want to know its over.
so how on earth do i calm my mind, my shaking hands and body, my core? Its still way too early. just found out Tuesday night.
3 comments posted: Friday, April 30th, 2021
i found out the whole truth finally
I wrote awhile back that I had a break from a long term relationship and he had a fling, then we reconciled. WRONGO. he was cheating while with me for many many months.
I got pulled in a grand scheme by him and the other woman the other day. he is fricken 46 and manipulated this game with a 23 yr old on the phone. she called to attack me, but in the end she had her doubts and asked for screenshots proving that I was with him thru certain months and it was what she needed to know everything he said to her including he loved her, was untrue. He told her in a matter of 2 weeks. all their intimacy stuff was the exact same play down to the last dot.
he fooled us all. he was going to counseling and telling the guy nonethingness.
when I saw him yesterday, he tried to White Fang me. telling me things I knew were NOT true, to hurt me, he could not even keep up with his own lies. he forgot days we had been together like xmas, and I have video of him with my family! he told her he hasnt been with me in 6-8 months. ahahaha, he picked me and my family up from the airport last month!
I cant make this up. I was doing really well, under assumption we were working at it. He was such a great liar. He was here, calling me, texting, saying the right things. the ONLY reason he got caught was cause she started to get suspicious. so she kept checking his phone. all my messages and calls erased.
I'm just venting. I just found out. I feel horrible but also like now I know so we are both thankful. He sure got his ego stroked. I'm the hottie and shes the hippie young one. she wont give him a relationship, kids or a marriage, so he chased her. I gave him all that and love so he kept me too since I offered stability and income. I am self reliant. But I handed life on a platter he said and that was too easy for him. so he self sabatoged. broke both our souls. His parents knew he was playing us both. No one told me, I have talked to them a bunch in person. His roommate is best friends w the girl and he didnt tell her either. Im just sick of people. stunned. I have barely slept in 3 days. Probably have an ulcer.
Btw he showed no emotion over losing either one of us. maybe only anger. thats a psychopath right?
UPDATE: in 8 days time I found out more truths. He put us both at risk, tried to get her pregnant to stay. He is secretly hoping he can make it work with her. He has no remorse over it and blames me. That I made him mad. I am never looking back. Glad I didnt marry him. a 46 yr old should never act like that and shag a person my childrens age! GROSS!
By 15 days from DD she wanted to be pregnant by him and make it work. she just took over like she did before- Just went to his house and took him. never mind the kids involved. he had no remorse what so ever. not even with her, he just needed the ego boost and he agreed he did break it off with her until she shoved her way back in. in the few months she was with him, he cheated on her and lied the ENTIRE time. shes a drug user and has similar criminal history I just found out
[This message edited by lifestoshort at 12:27 AM, May 29th (Saturday)]
113 comments posted: Thursday, April 29th, 2021
How much time do you expect to decide to R
I just found out a week ago. He called to tell me. We dont live with one another.
How long do you take to decide? How long do you give them to decide to R or get help?
what was the process for you?
Ive been here before w my exH and I tried on and off for a few yrs. he lied the whole time. so Im guarded. this was ages ago.
I want to be able to talk things out and he has a counseling appt this week but giving me very little info so my heart is saying he is not being honest with me or the other person. Which is making me want to reach out to her to find out her words. How many of you have done that? shes already wanted to talk to me anyway, she probably suspects that she has been lied to.
My counseling is tomorrow and she doesnt know this new development. 45 minutes is never enough time. Im already anxious. I feel like IM watching my own soap opera.
Am I suppose to just sit back and wait even tho he's only replying to some of my texts? seems like if he does that, then he's already made his own choice. but that may be my vulnerable mind talking and not truth.
11 comments posted: Monday, April 5th, 2021