Newest Member: InkHulk

SadieMae

Me: BW 40 on DDAY
Him: WH 40 on DDAY (FlawedBroken)
Together over half our lives.
D-day 3/9/2014
TT until 6/2016
TT again Fall 2020

What helps you?

What do you want to hear after you've had a trigger? Do you discuss triggers with your spouse, or is it best to just deal with it in private?

Honestly, I feel like we are so separated because we don't/can't discuss issues in our relationship that touch on the A. I have pretty much given up on bringing anything up because it does no good and only leaves me feeling even more alone. But is it me? Is a simple "I'm sorry" and "I'm sorry that bothers you" the extent of what should be said?

A recent example, we were watching TV and two older characters met and ended up going out to dinner. She was a divorcee, he was a widower and conversation came around to how awkward they felt as they discussed how long it had been since either one had been on a first date. BOOM I haven't been on a first date since 1994 H's last first date as in 2013. That makes me sad.

The next evening, I bring it up I was triggered in the show, I tell him what triggered me. I'm told "I'm sorry"

I guess I just want more - tell me how you feel about it. Tell me how you feel about my sadness. Silence and the quick "I'm sorry" just make me feel like he wants to close the door and back away as soon as possible. More than likely, he won't even want to watch the show again.

Is this empathy? Shouldn't discussing things help us feel closer, not further separated?

12 comments posted: Tuesday, June 21st, 2022

Shame Filter

My WH and I have been unable to R because of his shame and inability to escape it. He's unable to have difficult conversations he minimizes, he gets defensive, he gets angry and frustrated.

This shame-filter has now colored just about every aspect of our lives. I don't feel comfortable saying anything other than superficial things to him. He takes anything else as an attack. It's making life impossible for me, and I don't know how to proceed with him. I almost feel like this is a manipulative tactic of his to keep us from having any sort of difficult conversation, but now it's progressing even further and we're so crippled we can't even go to the grocery store together without a breakdown. If I say anything indicating I'm not happy with his actions/behavior/words, it is immediately turned on me that I criticize "everything" and "nothing" is good enough for me.

Hearing this truly hurts me. I feel I trend more toward positivity and building others up. I try to recognize and thank my H for the things he does, whether they are day-to-day tasks, or things that are above and beyond. I can praise and thank for days on end... Yet, if something happens and I say something that isn't praise or compliments, well, there I go again, criticizing everything.

IC was a huge failure for WH. He lied to his counselors, he lied to me about his sessions, he smoked weed "to make himself feel more comfortable" before sessions. And then he would cry after because no one could help him, he was just too broken.

I don't know what I'm searching for here. TBH, I'm very lonely. I feel like I'm going crazy, like I don't know who I really am anymore. I read about spouses that constantly criticize and I don't see myself in that, but am I wrong? Maybe that is me?

God, I get no validation that what I'm experiencing is real.

Ok, it's either click submit or delete.... so submit it is. Please be kind.

16 comments posted: Wednesday, February 23rd, 2022

mod please

:) Have a quick question. :)

3 comments posted: Wednesday, February 2nd, 2022

Email Address Lookup?

Can someone look up an email address for me?

1 comment posted: Monday, October 19th, 2020

How to send an Anonymous email?

Any tips or ideas on how to send an anonymous email? I don't want it to be trackable to me or my location.

5 comments posted: Friday, August 11th, 2017

Help finding an email

Can anyone offer help finding an email address?

I know the person's Facebook page, I know where they work, if that helps.

Thanks

0 comment posted: Thursday, January 21st, 2016

Who Moved My Cheese

I was wondering if anyone else has read this book. If so, how did you apply the lesson to R? I can certainly see how it could apply to S/D.

If you haven't read it, it's a quick read about being open to changes in life.

8 comments posted: Tuesday, January 19th, 2016

Hidden Apps

Is there a way to get an android phone (or an iPhone, WH has both) to show any hidden apps that are installed?

6 comments posted: Wednesday, June 24th, 2015

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