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I told one of my closest friends right away because I didn't know anyone else to talk to about it. I have now told two other people because I needed the support. To this day I don't think WW has told anyone. If I told my family or my kids they would all be destroyed. The only time I will tell them would be if we were done.

On DDAY1 I told only my closest family member. I'm normally pretty private anyway but I didn't want my marriage to be over so I decided to keep it quiet.

For me, it was a mistake. First, their secret becomes YOUR secret. I'm now assisting in the affair even if it's "after the fact."

Second, I did not avail myself of support and love that I would have received had I opened up. I really, really needed it, but instead, I withdrew from my circle because it was too difficult to be with them and basically feel like I was lying to them. Plus the energy it took to fake everything being "normal." It took a toll on me and my relationships.

Thirdly, I'd find out 2.5 years later that contact between the AP and my WS never stopped. I then exposed because I then decided I was done. I wanted the support of my people and I was damn sure done helping those two get away with it.

I regret not exposing sooner. I'm not advocating a scorched earth policy, but BSs need their people. We need love and support and shoulders to cry on. As important, BSs need to NOT protect WS at their own expense. Silence is protecting them whether you mean to or not. They have no discomfort, no facing the reality of the destruction they have caused (close friend and family ARE collateral damage) and if they think they can get away with it... why not again?

I told three people: my sister, who cheated on her husband and is still married; one of my best friends who I knew wouldn't judge me for staying: and my cousin who is also my best friend who was going through a relationship issue as well and so we commiserated with each other. I needed to tell someone because I needed support from people who had my back. As a condition of reconciliation, I asked my husband to also tell someone close to him in order to take responsibility.

We didn't tell anyone. The only people who know are my WS, the AP and their S, and me. My family adores my WS and it would crush them to know. Also my WS's friends are very close with me and I'm almost certain it would break up their friendship with my WS, which I didn't want.

In the end I'm glad we didn't tell anyone. It was hard not having outside sources for support but that's the price I was willing to pay to ensure things between us, our friends, and families wouldn't be awkward forever.

I told people so if I divorced him they would know why.

He have them the watered down version - oops I cheated. I gave them the truth - he was dumping me for the OW.

I told everyone but his family. I did not care what people thought of us. It did not have anything to do with my staying. I just needed to vent. I still do.Almost 8 years later.

Yup, me too. 6 years out.

Me telling really had nothing to do with hurting my WH, or disparaging him or anything like that. It was all for me, and I don't regret it for one second.

Not quite as true for me. My WH comes off as a very kind person (when he wants something) so I wanted to blow that false front out of the water in a big way. But it was all for me, and I don't regret it.

1. Intervention

B. Support for me

Yes and yes. I told several of our/his pub buddies, mostly so next time he acted in any way inappropriate in my absence, they knew he was not "just kidding" or "innocently flirting." They would know he's a cheater and couldn't be trusted. I needed eyes on the ground.

Funny thing is I got 2 diametrically opposed responses from people. Half were absolutely shocked, couldn't believe it. I guess when he wasn't balls deep in the AP, he talked glowingly about me to everyone. The other half said something along the lines of, "well, yeah, your husband is a dog."

I remember very well, rather burnt into my memory it is. My wife had brought me a coffee in bed. I knew something was up immediately as she almost never did nice things for me. So, she sat in our marital bed and blew up my world. Yup, she's a class act.

Anyway, my MIL lived in a suite I had built for her and FIL when he got diagnosed with a terminal illness. My intention was to care for the. And then her when he passed. Well, in a for of rage, I marched downstairs and told her that her daughter was a whore and told her everything. And then I left.

I have never regretted that moment in almost five years. In fact, there are times that i savour it. Why should I carry one ounce of the burden if guilt for her sin? It is not mine to carry. Of course, I am divorcing her, so I dont give two shits who knows, but even if we recovered, I wouldn't care. If you don't want shit, don't start shit.

Of course, during the I'll dated R process, I was bombarded from the on SIL we tried to keep out of the loop since she is a very religious evangelical. Man, did she work me over messenger for failing as a husband and in my forgiveness, yadda, yadda, yadda. Well, you should have seen the dime she turned on when she found out. No apology, just a change of target.

In the end, I'm glad I threw the truth bomb. My STBXWW is a cheater, her father was a cheater, and his father was a cheater. We only went back three generations, but you get the point. Sins of the father and all. My STBXWW does not have it in her to fix herself, so now my concern is with my daughters. How do I break the cycle of transgenerational trauma? Light I guess...

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 6:17 PM, July 13th (Tuesday)]

I told my daughter because I can’t hide anything from her. It was hard because her kids adore their “other grandma” — my unfaithful wife.

I found out a few months after d-day that my wife told new friends of ours because SHE needed to get it off her chest! You bet I was mad.

Then I told my best friend since high school. A long time after d-day. And I got the “forgive and forget” response. I didn’t want to tell anyone else because I could not chance that kind of non-support/non-empathy. It was simply too painful. I was looking for hugs. 😢

Oh, and I told my brother’s wife, but only after he confessed he’d taken up with his old flame from high school. She and I had not been very close, and in fact our relationship had been strained. But we poured out our hearts to each other and became wonderful empathetic loving supportive sisters. ❤️

And then a couple years ago I stopped hiding it. It’s not my shameful act to hide — and my wife was finally starting to take ownership of what she had done.

And then I shared with a friend of my wife’s I had formed a friendship with, knowing she had been friends with my wife’s ex before me — the AP! But she had shared many times that she didn’t care for the ex, found her petty, untrustworthy, and unpleasant to be around. What happens within weeks of me sharing with this common friend? The ex is posting gushing loving crap all over her FB page, even sending her flowers. They had not talked to each other in decades! So all of a sudden this supportive new friend is sweet friends with the enemy. It is now up to me to decide if I am comfortable with it.

I feel like I have experienced the assorted box of chocolates — and only one was the smooth caramel I was hoping for.