Long time coming
I've been reading here at SI since about 6 months after DD. Never had the courage to post. My story, briefly.
July 2018 husband confessed to an affair after I confronted him with phone bills that were so blatant, Hellen Keller could have seen it. After a few months of TT, turns out it was a 2.5 year affair. WH called it a "friend with benefits" arrangement that got out of control. Claimed he was relieved to be caught so he could get out of the nightmare.
Hadn't found SI yet so we went to MC. Spent a year there. Things improved in that some of the large issues in our marriage were addressed and we seemed better as partners and parents. However, the affair never really got addressed beyond MC allowing me to grieve in session and encouraging WS to be truthful and support. Beyond that, I just never felt like I had the whole story (who does?). Particularly, I could not believe that a 2.5 year affair stopped on a dime like that. It made no sense to me. I also couldn't believe he hadn't developed some kind of feelings for this person after all of that time.
Fast forward to October 2019. I receive a random text from a stranger saying that she saw my husband in a parking lot with another woman in his car. Confrontation with WH. Denies at first then confesses to a "run in," but insists she was not in his car and nothing happened. I believe AP sent me the text so I confront her via text, expose her to her XH (AP was married when affair started and got divorced about half way through the affair), quit MC and moved WH into the basement. IHS I guess. I tell him I don't believe him and it's his job to prove it to me. He surprises me by finding an IC and starts therapy.
We slowly start to come together again. COVID kind of made that happen. He calls me after every session to tell me what he discussed, what he is working on (selfishness, inability to express his feelings, etc). I start to think maybe...
We move. His AP lived down the street and I couldn't take it anymore. I essentially said I wanted to go, without him if needed, because I was unhappy. He sets out finding a new house in a new town. It's lovely. It's perfect We move.
Fresh start, right? We are talking, our money issues (big issue in our marriage) are solved, we're partnering, communicating, having fun, entertaining. Our daughter says "you two are obsessed with each other!"
Fast forward April 2021, just about a month ago. Text from AP. Says we need to talk. I say, why now? "Because it never ended." I call him first. He confesses to contact the entire time. Claims no sex, but email and from time to time she would meet him somewhere for a chat (like a store parking lot!). Says he didn't end it at DD1 the way he should have and he's been "trapped" ever since worrying she will contact me. I guess they met that day for a "chat" and he ended it. Sure enough, she was texted me within minutes.
I talked to her. That's a story for another post but hells bells this bitch wanted me to feel sorry for her! She thought I was her therapist or something. She confirms email communication, quick meet ups every other month or so but says "a couple of blow jobs" for good measure. He later confesses to the PA part of it continuing for the first 6 months after DD. Sex THE DAY HE CONFESSED to me and 3 blow jobs (is it ok if I'm graphic like this? IDK). I wouldn't believe it was just that if she didn't say as much herself. She was clearly looking to blow up my life and hurt me so...
I asked him to leave and he found a place. Moved out two weeks after last DDay. After DDay1, I told no one except my BFF and my aunt (we're close). This time ... I told all of my family in friends. Not in a "omg look what this asshole did to me way!" but in a "he's moving out and here's why." This includes our DD. She got a two sentence explanation.
So he's out and I'm here and I spent the first two weeks in so much pain I really don't know how I functioned. My friends have been amazing and rarely leave me alone (I had to ask them to give me SOME space, girl needs to rest!). Now it's almost four weeks out and .... I don't know what I feel. He is, of course, begging for another chance. I'm the love of his life don't you know? Thing is, a part of me continues to freaking believe him! But I know it needs to be done. My BFF, who loves him very much, said "He's going to kill you." And I think she is right.
The other thing I feel though is ... a lack of pain as of today. I'm sad, for sure. But, IDK, I'm not in pain. I have some anxiety but I can easily get it under control. I'm not overwhelmed with my feelings. This surprises me. Is this normal? Are you still on a rollercoaster even when you've decided to separate, meaning, will the pain and anxiety return?
Thank you all for this site. I've been stalking you all for a couple of years now and it's been everything.
[This message edited by TheEnd at 7:01 PM, May 14th (Friday)]
47 comments posted: Friday, May 14th, 2021