Three years since DDay and very triggered

Hi, I am three years out from DDay this past week and am very triggered for a few reasons.

1. I just found out a friend is getting divorced because she just found out about her husband's multiple affairs. I hadn't told my friend about my situation, but finally did so that she knew she wasn't alone. She then told me that she understood wanting to stay and try to reconcile because that's what she did three years ago as well when she first found out. But lo and behold, she found out about another affair and all of that attempt at reconciliation was for nothing which is why she's leaving now. I'm terrified I am making the same mistake. 

2. I am still creeping my husband's affair partner's social media, and it bugs me to no end that she has now left her husband and seems to be "happy" with someone else. All I can think about is reaching out to this new person and saying, "watch out, she's a fucking bitch who cheated on her husband." I feel even more cheated because why the hell does she get to be happy while I never get to forget the shit that happened to me? I am also dying to tell my husband about her newfound happiness to see his reaction, but obviously, not a good idea. 

3. Easter is always a trigger for me because the week I found the email saying he "wanted" her and confronted him about it, he said nothing happened and I stupidly believed him. A few days later we were at my parents' house for Easter and he misplaced his wedding ring and tore up the house looking for it. A few months later I found out they indeed had sex, two days before we left to spend Easter with my family. I cannot get the picture of him looking profusely for his wedding ring (as if it meant anything to him) out of my head, knowing what I know. 

4. I am pregnant, which was very unplanned. Although I am happy, I worry that the stress of it all will trigger him to have another affair, because our older child was very young when I found out and that's when I started noticing things shifting in our marriage. 

I feel currently things are "okay" with us reconciliation wise. My friend who is divorcing her husband asked me if I was able to forgive my husband yet and I said not overtly -- mostly because I feel like he is not capable of doing what I need him to do, which is to genuinely have empathy for me. We are still not at a place where we can discuss the affair without it blowing up or him getting angry (it's not as immediate at least). I know he has learned a lot and is trying but it's not quite there yet and I'm starting to think that he's just not capable. And if that's the case, am I just wasting my time being in an "okay" marriage that is tainted by an affair?

What keeps me here is thinking about what we had and who he was and the great dad he is, but then again, I never thought I'd ever be in this situation so I come back to being triggered. It's definitely less and fewer triggers but part of me can't help but wonder if I'll ever be truly happy again with him. 

From the research and posts, I know it's a 3-5 year struggle possibly before any meaningful reconciliation happens, but any thoughts on how to handle year three would be welcome.

5 comments posted: Saturday, April 16th, 2022