Informal Poll! How many DDays did you have?
Hey SIers! This is primarily for BSes, as I'm not sure WSes could/should accurately rate whether or not "new hurts" equal a new DDay, but feel free to leave your numbers/experiences anyway. I'd like to know the following stats:
Reconciled (R), Limbo(L), Separated (S), or Divorced (D)
EA (E), PA (P), Both (B)
How many DDays?*
Estimated time (in months) between the first DDay, and when the BS either GTFO or finally felt "safe" in the marriage again.
*For the purposes of this poll, a DDay is defined as:
- the initial discovery of an EA - inappropriate s/texting/messaging/phone calls/meetups/gifts/pics that were hidden or misrepresented
- the initial discovery of a PA - inappropriate touching of any sort
- the discovery of the continuance of either of the above after the initial discovery after WS promised NC.
- the breaking of NC in ANY way
- the discovery of a new AP (either EA or PA) after the initial discovery
- after the initial disclosure, discovering there were more partners than the acknowledged AP(s)
- after the initial disclosure, discovering an EA was actually a PA
- after the initial disclosure, discovering "once or twice, and I didn't like it" was actually 3x a week for a year. Oh, and totally did butt sex even though never with BS.
- after being assured of a "truth" during the initial discovery, finding out it was a lie (IE "I didn't love her, I just used that to get sex," becomes, during a nasty argument "I LOVED HER! I REALLY LOVED HER!" Or "I just had this one fling over the last 2 months" becomes "I also fucked her at our reception 20 years ago." You get the drift. ;-) )
Basically, anything that, to the BS feels like their whole world dropped out from under them AGAIN, just as they may have been beginning to feel safe-ish again and set the recovery start date back to zero.
I have hypotheses, and would like to know how far off I am from the actual numbers.
Thanks in advance - I'm a data monkey so I'm looking forward to this sample!
33 comments posted: Thursday, August 24th, 2023
Triggers, anxiety, and anger
I've been on here a fairly long time. By my own admission, I did not do things right when it came to my WH multiple affairs. I should have dumped his ass the first time I read his sexts to another woman - he insisted it was just an EA, no actual touching - I wanted so badly to believe him so I did. Forgiving that lead to a slew of other EAs and most likely PAs (He's only admitted to 1.) We have gone through a lot of shit and to my knowledge, he hasn't engaged in wayward behavior in 4ish years. He has made gains in his own personality that the whole family recognizes.
I still hate him on a daily basis, while also loving him and for the most part, getting along with him really well. I'm fairly certain I am co-dependent.
Anyhoo. This morning he reminded me of our friend's surprise birthday party happening tonight. It had skipped my mind so I said, "Oh yeah! Where is that happening again?"
"At the INSERT name of business we used to own, in which he met ALL of his APs (at least the ones I know about) and which still gives me panic attacks when I have to drive by it. Or see the tap handles. Or see the company shaggin' wagon he fucked at least one of his APs in, that we had to sell because just walking in and trying to do all of the work I had to do (along with my other full-time job - he really didn't do shit there except scam on women and drink) gave me PTSD"
Cue him asking if I want to go. "You don't have to go. Will you have a good time, because I'm planning to have a good time, but you don't have to go. But I'm not planning to stay there long, just to make an appearance."'
I've been anxious and pissed all morning.
Under ordinary circumstances, I would put on my bitch boots, doll myself up like never before and strut in there like I (still) owned the place (Har!)
But I've been through some shit over the last year. Lost my breasts (32 DD) July 2022 and lost my hair (waist long, thick, straight, red) in September. Because carbs were the only thing that made me feel better during chemo, and the steroids I had to take just to make it through, I gained 15 pounds during treatment. Chemo also gave me neuropathy in my feet that hasn't resolved, and I still have a touch of chemo brain (sometimes struggle with finding the right words.) Chemo and 6 weeks of radiation sapped my energy so I went through a few months of much less exercise than I normally do. Emergency appendectomy in April and and oophorectomy last Monday also meant/means no weight lifting for 4 weeks after. I will be on endocrine therapy for the next 10 years to suppress any estrogen to keep my cancer at bay (Yay hot flashes and night sweats!!). They're turning me into an old woman to save my life.
My hair is growing back brown ( ) and CURRRRRLY. Like, 4 inch fro curly! I have tissue expanders where my future boobs will go (September 29th!!) but I have scars and large divots between my shoulder/clavicle and where the inserts begin. I have lost 10 pounds between the end of radiation and now, but still a little (lot) squishier than I'd like.
I don't feel very confident these days, in case that wasn't clear.
So. Do I deal with the anxiety of letting him go alone and worrying the whole time about what (or who) he's doing, or do I go and deal with the PTSD of just being in a place that still holds so much heartbreak, and feeling like a shadow of my former self?
(I know I am lucky to have modern medicine that has saved my life. I actually came through it all with flying colors! But: Fuck Cancer!)
10 comments posted: Wednesday, July 26th, 2023