Newest Member: CrazyLikeAFox

brokenInDenver

BS (me) early 50s. WW late 40s. Two step-kids, no children of our own. Still married

I can't process her telling me 'no' to sex

For some background, my d-day was 4 years ago this past June, you can read more from my profile.

Sex is, and always has been, very important to me. My ideal is once or twice a day. My wife is OK with sex far less frequently. She'd be OK with once a week (or less). The past few years before her most recent affair, her craving for sex has been diminishing to even less than that. During her most recent affair Sept 2018 - June 2019 sex really dried up. I would do whatever I could think of to try to be more romantic and it rarely mattered, she would almost always say no. I was lucky to get it once a month and by then i was so wound up it wouldn't last very long at all, which was completely unsatisfying. It just felt empty... i'd be thinking about sex all day long for weeks and weeks and it'd be over in just a few precious moments. It was awful for me. I felt rejected and unloved and unfulfilled and OMG unsatisfied. I remember thinking "well... what am i going to do, I love her so much... I guess this is my life now" and did my best to endure.

Then i find out my wife was having an affair. I learned that sex with him was once or twice a day! I haven't enjoyed my wife that much since our honeymoon all those years ago. And they did things together she flat out has refused me (toys, acts, positions... you name it). I was crushed, I am still crushed. I can't describe the sheer enormity of my pain... but I guess that most of you have also had to endure that same agony.

Anyway, right after d-day we enjoyed about two years of hysterical bonding, which was magnificent. During that time she never once told me no. And this wasn't all "I need to do this to make him happy", she did quite a bit of initiating. She did most of the initiating to be honest. I know that played a big part of keeping us together and I am grateful.

So... now that hysterical bonding period is over we are back to me most often initiating sex and her sometimes refusing. We have sex far more frequently than before and certainly lots more than during her affair but its no longer as often as I might like.

So this all brings me to my problem. When I initiate and she tells me "no", I can't process it. I am suddenly emotionally right back during her affair, pre-d-day when she would tell me "no" all too often. I feel rejected, unloved, unfilled and unsatisfied. But now on top of that I have the same feeling I had post-d-day with unbearable waves of pain and jealousy and rage... and sadness. Sadness above all things.

Most times I initiate, she will acquiesce but I can tell it's not out of desire for sex, I can tell its out of a desire to keep me from triggering. I don't want her to do that. So I initiate far less often than I would like, I don't want her to feel trapped or god forbid, forced into it. So i wallow in my unfulfilled sadness. Does anyone else feel like this? Can anyone give me advice?
-broken

34 comments posted: Friday, August 4th, 2023

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