BS (me) early 50s. WW late 40s. Two step-kids, no children of our own. Still married
Anyone else love their wayward but ashamed for staying married?
For as long as I can remember, the only thing I really ever truly wanted was to be married to someone I adore. I remember on my 9th birthday I learned that I, myself, could one day be married and I couldn't wait to meet my future wife and hated the thought she might only be 6 years old or something. I didn't want to wait another day let alone the 25 years it would take me to meet her!
Then I found her and it was better than a dream. She was a lot prettier than I would have settled for, so smart, funny, great in bed and she really seemed to like me a lot. I knew she was the one almost immediately... within 3 weeks of meeting her I was sure. I mean first date I kissed her and she said "wow". Who doesn't love that shit!? Dating was a formality... but did it to be sure. Saved up for a ring... asked for her folks their blessing... got down on one knee. The whole cheesy thing and I loved it. When we got married and it was the best day of my life. Outdoor, casual lots of drink and the party went on until 3 in the morning. Even my mom san karaoke! Nobody was more beautiful than my wife was to me on our wedding day I promise you. Best part, I never felt so proud in front of my friends and family as I did on that day. No the best part was I had a wife and she was better than I ever dreamed!
She works very hard on R but things are different since she cheated. I feel ashamed that I stayed in the marriage. I am ashamed I still call her wife. Its not even that my friends and family know of her infidelity, I don't care they know. Its that I know she cheated yet I stayed married. I see pictures of her on the wedding day and no longer feel proud... I feel stupid. I love her as much as ever, perhaps more than ever before but I don't love being married anymore. She wants to renew our vows as a show how deeply she is invested in R but I can think of nothing I would rather not do than renew my vows with her in front of people. I would be so embarrassed to stand up there in front of everyone and say "I do" again. Even if no friends and family were there I couldn't do it! I don't want to renew my vows or discuss getting re-married with her. Maybe because my vows are still intact and hers were discarded so easily.
i know I still love my wife endlessly, I stay with her because she fulfills me like nobody has ever done before. i love being with her, I love making her laugh. I don't want to leave her i want to go on loving her will all my heart for the rest of my life, but I no longer wear my wedding ring. I no longer look at pictures of our wedding. I'm ashamed.
How can I feel both things? How can I love so very much and want desperately to stay with her but I am ashamed precisely because I stay. How can I love her so much and know I want to spend my life with her but be disgusted at the thought of renewing my vows. My heart is a paradox. Anyone else feel like this or am I alone?
51 comments posted: Monday, June 7th, 2021