Newest Member: Notarunnerup


I'm the BS. WH had a 3 month EA/PA with a cOW. DDay was 4/17. Working on R. Married 15 years and together 20 at DDay. DDay #2 and #3 6/19. Grew a conscience and admitted a full blown physical affair. Now in limbo.

Can we talk about sex?

Especially interested in those of you who feel positive about the direction of R or your WS' work.

A little backstory for those of you who don't know me, my WH had an affair in 2017. I discovered and was told the physical extent was a kiss and the EA had been happening for a few months prior. We hysterically bonded mostly daily or multiple times daily for the next two years. It was the best sex either of us we'd had together. (And prior to his A, I was his only, he was NOT my only.) In 2019, he confessed to sex (occurred over a 4 day conference, a BJ on the way home from the airport and a quickie the following week in the parking garage at work).

Since his confession, we've had sex maybe a dozen times. Not a single time was it connective (TMI, but only twice did I face him.) I've cried every time. I also can only be physical if I have headphones in as a distraction. I can't take being silent with him (or hearing him talk to me bc then I wonder what he said to her).

I think I partially I cannot stand the idea that he still gets to have sex with me after the lies and gaslighting, partially that he (and I) feel tainted and disgusting (he gave me an STD that I will have forever bc he had unprotected sex), and partially I am just not okay being vulnerable in that way with him anymore - after two years of completely trusting, that was also destroyed with his lies.

My question ----- has anyone had these issues? I think relationship wise, we do well. Great communication, have fun together, spend a LOT of time together (thanks COVID!), etc. I do think he is honest and tries to be a better man every day (poly confirmed his timeline and since that 2nd DDay there has been no lies).

Is it possible to get that loving feeling back AGAIN? I have started IC up again, and a new BTrauma group, but I am kinda wondering if I need a sex therapist, drugs, or a lobotomy. (I've read a lot, and we've tried sensate touch stuff, which helps but maybe I'm just being impatient).

I always get the sense that while mind movies and triggers happen, many of you are still connecting physically, and I just feel grossed out by my own sexuality these days, much less my husband's.

Thanks in advance for any advice. Infidelity sucks.

25 comments posted: Tuesday, June 8th, 2021

"Team Bonding" Events/Trips - Thoughts?

Many companies, especially startups, love to do "team bonding" events. In my experience these have ranged from happy hours in/out of the office, team dinners, actual "team" building at places made for such things (like ropes courses/games) and trips solely for "fun".

Post DDay 1, my husband has not engaged in ANY of these events. Post DDay 2, he hasn't even traveled much and since COVID, has been working from home for almost a year.

Recently, there has been the possibility of working for a different company. (This would not be a choice to "change" jobs but a shift in company ownership.) He would have a different CEO, would have a different position himself (currently he has a lot of freedom to make his schedule/say no to any conferences/events/travel, etc.) and may be asked or expected to engage in this new company, and with his new employees that would work for and with him. This new company is very very young and does many of the above things, including a weeklong company "retreat" where they travel internationally and do things like water sports together. They are also almost 70% females. (I think that it is awesome, btw, but seeing as how his A was with a female peer, it is a trigger point.)

Obviously, nothing is set in stone and my H is confident that any obstacles will give him a chance to prove he's putting our marriage and his values first. I'm just curious how others would/do feel about these kinds of activities for co-workers.

I tend to personally think that alcohol and vacations should be done with your spouse or same sex friends, not people you work with. I find it somewhat of a slippery slope to be TOO close to those your work with (even if you aren't having sex with them). Friendly, yes, but in drinking in bathing suits with them, no.

So what do you guys think? Am I on an island to think this way? (For the record, my WH is on the same page I am now as he sees how easily boundaries get pushed in those situations.)

13 comments posted: Wednesday, January 27th, 2021

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