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I Can Relate :
Betrayed Menz Thread - Part 34

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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 4:13 PM on Wednesday, March 9th, 2022

Even this tough guy turned to mush over it.

I've been on this site for nearly seven years and have read the stories from all sorts of betrayed Menz. For the most part, it hits us all the same. Sure, some Menz are quicker to decide a coarse of action and follow through with guns a blazin', while others are more hesitant, for lots of different reasons. Nevertheless, no matter who the guy, what he looks like, does for a living, or what the fuck ever... it's a mind-fuck of epic proportions and takes years to "get over it."

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button."
-Brene Brown

posts: 6414   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8722015
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Repossessed ( member #79544) posted at 12:23 AM on Thursday, March 10th, 2022

Nevertheless, no matter who the guy, what he looks like, does for a living, or what the fuck ever... it's a mind-fuck of epic proportions and takes years to "get over it."

Roger that. Just had to share because it left me shaking my head. I've known him for a bit, and I know what he can do. And although I know you are right, seeing T broken just baffled me. It shouldn't, but it does.

Here to keep myself mindful that I don't always see what actually is. I certainly didn't when I married her.

posts: 217   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Chicagoland
id 8722128
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JasonCh ( new member #80102) posted at 3:38 AM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022

Menz. Here throwing my hat in the ring. Married 27 years -- together 30 -- 2 adult children. Found out in November 2020. Lies and affair continued through April 2021 when i asked her to leave. We have been separated since. Her affair has continued. I had been doing alright towards the end of summer early fall 2021. But the anniversary of dday and her coming around more have really thrown me off. I am in IC regularly and see our MC/FC with the kids.

Anger has really not been too much of a factor, just profound loss and sadness. Sometimes that frightens me. Setting up for the long haul and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my time.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Mar. 18th, 2022
id 8725005
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HeartFullOfHoles ( member #42874) posted at 4:43 AM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022

The dday anniversaries sting for a while, but you will get past that.

Why is she coming around more lately? If she's still involved with the OM then you should strive for no contact. One of the things a non-repentant wayward tries to do is be friends with you because if you will be their friend then their actions cannot be that bad. Of course like you already know these mixed messages can mess with your mental state.

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 781   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8725013
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alucard ( member #78796) posted at 5:00 AM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022

I stayed.

It's killing my soul.
I love her. She loves me. She is doing her best.
Anger is consuming me and driving me mad. A wave of extreme anger has taken over me and I cant shake it off. I cant work. I cant concentrate

Tell me why I shouldn't REALLY, REALLY hurt AP (which was what I thought a "good friend")

"Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases

posts: 149   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8725014
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 11:45 AM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022

Alucard - literally weeks ago you were talking about your new wife, your new life, and your great big new dream home. You were advised to slow down snd see where things go before going all in on R snd a new home, because just prior to this your WW was terrible to you.

Now you’re back on the emotional roller coaster which is totally normal. I hope you pay attention to these feelings snd not invest in that house, or in your WW if the anger is caused by her current actions, until you’ve actually R’d.

You haven’t actually R’d because you’re besides yourself with anger. Slow down.

posts: 401   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8725035
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alucard ( member #78796) posted at 6:23 PM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022

I know.
Yes, definitely sitting with my feelings, "feeling them" and trying to process what's happening in me

I don't think my current anger is connected to how my WW is behaving now.
Is anger that I've not processed yet from the whole thing. I'm not even 2 years out.
I can't control the anger toward the AP. I know it should be redirected to my wife, but I've enough for him too.
the fact that I can't do anything about it is poisoning me.
It's that very specific "betrayed man" feeling

"Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases

posts: 149   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8725106
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 1:09 AM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

It’s totally understandable. I recommended back then, and recommend now, that you hold off on building that very expensive dream home.

This home will not only be difficult to unwind in a D, but also if you plow a significant amount of your assets into it, snd you end up divorced, your WW may very well get the house snd you’ll be living in a cramped one bedroom.

She wants this house. I know you do as well, but you’re not the one who cheated. She needs to earn this. I recommend that you discuss your current feelings of anger with your WW - tell her you’re angry at the situation, the injustice, your emasculation, etc. Then tell her that you don’t feel comfortable building this house until you are comfortable with R.

If she protests, you have an answer how she truly empathizes with your hurt. You can tell her that the house is a metaphor for R. These are my suggestions.

posts: 401   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8725254
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alucard ( member #78796) posted at 1:28 AM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

Yes, you are absolutely right. There's a lot of wisdom in your advice.

The anger has not to do with the house.

She didn't "want" the house. She was of course excited for it, as much as me.
She wasn't pushing for it. I was.
She was absolutely OK with passing and taking more time. I pushed for it. It was our dream project. I wanted to believe in it.

Lately, absolutely not related to her current behavior, I've been re-experiencing a lot of the trauma, hence the anger. I don't know why but this is the worst I've felt since the early Ddays. I'm working with my therapist, and many other ways that I've learned, to try to uncover and work on my feelings.

However, I didn't listen.
We purchased the house - the goal is to create a business together, not as a primary or secondary residence.
I probably really really really hurt my future prospect. We'll see.

[This message edited by alucard at 1:35 AM, Thursday, March 24th]

"Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases

posts: 149   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8725264
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Legend10 ( member #79407) posted at 11:17 AM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

Alucard it's tough reading how much you are suffering still 2 years out. The realisation has begun to dawn on me recently that I'm still very early (7 months next week) in the healing process and the thought of potentially doing years more of this fills me with dread. Passive suicidal ideation has been creeping in quite a lot this week for me and I hate the occasional moments of intense fear, dread over this being my actual life now and there's no escaping it. Fear of the future, fear that my life has peaked already, shame, embarrassment and feeling like I've been tossed aside for a better model by my WS, injustice that she gets to ride off into the sunset with her perfect new life, feelings that her and the AP look down on me, that I'm worthless, that my son is better off with them.

Sharing a child with your WS makes recovery so much harder I feel, her and the AP are an ever looming presence over me, I can't just shut them out, you hear about them and what they are up to every week from your child, you have to keep contact to discuss who has your child on what days, pickup / drop off arrangements, clothing, medication and all the other things you need to speak about.

I long for the days where my head was filled with trivial things, thinking about TV shows, looking forward to listening to podcasts, humming songs in my head and singing along, thinking about buying a game for the playstation and being excited about playing it. It's exhausting and draining just having your thoughts consumed about the affair and the consequences of it and there being no room for anything else in your head.

I know there isn't a magic formula or a button you can press to just make everything better again, that really the only thing that will make it better is time but boy is it tough just getting through each day, each week, each month just waiting to feel happy and content again. Much love to all of you going through the same.

posts: 58   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2021
id 8725324
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 10:01 PM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

My experience was that healing was sort of a spiral. Things that I thought had completed kept popping up, so I felt as if I was re-experiencing the same anger, grief, fear, or shame. In actuality, I was looking at things in new ways and going deeper into feelings and letting the feelings go. I felt like I was reliving old crap, but that's not what was going on. It took me a while to understand that.

Your anger, alucard, may be a good step toward healing. If it's directed toward the ap, maybe you're the 1 in 50 who should be directing anger at the ap. (I have no idea of the percentage of BSes who should be doing that. I just made up the '1 in 50' number.)

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27090   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8725495
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alucard ( member #78796) posted at 10:29 PM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

Thank you Sisoon.

I value immensely your wisdom, perspective, and approach.

I am letting my anger be there, feeling it, and discharging (I hope) in healthy ways.

Everyone thinks that anger at AP is justified; in my case, it might, or not.

He was a friend that I loved and respected. A couple of weeks before we were celebrating my bday at his place, and did a trip together. I've helped him in several ways throughout the years. Little I knew that he was chasing my wife behind my back.

I am mad at myself because I never confronted him after discovery.

I was so shocked, so angry that I couldn't confront him. I would have killed him instantly. I know myself. I didn't confront to protect me and my wife, as crazy as it might sound.

Now, I can't sit with this. It is poisoning me.

He walked away without consequences, without any pain. I feel so immensely weak. I've lost respect for myself.
Friends, therapists, even my wife tell me that they all respect me immensely for how I've handled this whole shitshow.

It doesn't feel like that. I've lost my self-respect and I feel so immensely sad for my inner child.
I have an immense amount of pain and grief that I have a hard time processing out of my body.

I know the AP wanted to hurt me, "dominate" and humiliate me.
How do you deal with the humiliation?

[This message edited by alucard at 1:17 AM, Friday, March 25th]

"Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases

posts: 149   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8725506
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alucard ( member #78796) posted at 10:31 PM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

Legend10

I hear your pain. I followed your story.
The malevolence and contempt that you have endured are astonishing.
I've something I want to share with you. I'll write you a longer answer as soon I'm free from work.

[This message edited by alucard at 10:33 PM, Thursday, March 24th]

"Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases

posts: 149   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8725507
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StrugglingCJ ( member #72778) posted at 1:53 AM on Saturday, March 26th, 2022

I may be in the minority but your anger towards the AP is totally justified, and understandable. Not only did you try to help him but he repaid this by trying to destroy you.. I know they say if you seek vengeance then dig two graves.. But by God vengeance would feel nice at times!!

I helped out the AP so much, sent him on trips (with my wife) that he had dreamt of. He had said to me so often he was so grateful to us for what we / I had done for him.. When I found out I truly wanted to hurt him, but let the universe sort him out.

Anger is ok at this time just try not to dwell on it.. I stayed angry for too long, and it hurt me more than anyone else.. My best outlet for it was boxing.. Hitting something was cathartic.

WW caught in EA May 17
DDay Mar 19 it was full PA
Struggling for R, but still trying.

posts: 241   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2020   ·   location: Essex
id 8725966
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 8:09 PM on Saturday, March 26th, 2022

Although I believe one's thoughts often have ripple effects beyond oneself, I know it's sometimes impossible for most people not to want revenge. Sometimes it's impossible not to send bad mojo out to someone who has done damage. Sometimes you gotta do it to get it our of your system. Thinking isn't doing, and it may not actually do damage (except to oneself).

We need to accept we're human and imperfect.

A couple of things to keep in mind:

1) In contemplating revenge, do one's best to aim for revenge without adding to one's own pain, and

2) The desire for revenge IS usually an expression of frustrated anger, and expressing anger directly - writing it out by hand, hitting a pillow or - better, a punching bag, shouting, crying - is usually more effective at relieving the feeling than thinking about revenge.

Transcending revenge is best, but it's much easier said than done. Wanting to hit back is normal. It's best the find the healthiest way through it, but you can allow yourself some false steps.

It took me 2 years to accept that I couldn't punish anyone for my W's A without adding to my own pain. When I post 'easier said than done', I learned that from experience.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:10 PM, Saturday, March 26th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27090   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8726073
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sunsetslost ( member #39885) posted at 10:44 PM on Saturday, March 26th, 2022

Hey guys. Quick question. Got a collections notice on a parking ticket, did some digging, and three guesses as to the violator. Been divorced almost 8 years, have had zero contact.. She never transfered title on a jointly owned car. My plan is to pay it (it is only 60 bucks) and send a copy of the citation along with the printed instructions from the county clerk on how to update a title. Hopefully she can take the hint.

Any feedback? Other ideas?

Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

posts: 800   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2013   ·   location: The beach.
id 8726097
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alucard ( member #78796) posted at 9:37 PM on Tuesday, March 29th, 2022

Thank you Sisoon and StrugglingCJ

The anger has faded for now. I'm back more or less to my baseline.

I understand that the desire for vengeance is normal, but that acting out would not bring any substantial benefits.

Fundamentally I need to go grieve. I need fully grieve and work my way toward acceptance. And then eventually forgiveness, in a full and personally liberating sense. Any other options would not lead me where I want to go, which is peace, and eventually, and hopefully, joy again. With my wife, or alone.

Found this lecture, among others, very powerful
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZFBsMuNKVY

[This message edited by alucard at 9:45 PM, Tuesday, March 29th]

"Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases

posts: 149   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8726730
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Notthevictem ( member #44389) posted at 10:53 PM on Sunday, April 10th, 2022

I seem to have missed alot...

To the new folks: welcome to the club. Members only jacket in the mail. Hats go on the rack to the left. Scarves should be returned to the 1980s.

WRT Losfer, that is horrible news. I know I'll miss him. Seems like I'm too wrapped up in the emotions from my wife's passing though to feel anything more deeply than that at the moment, which makes me feels even worse for only seeing the news today.

For those who chimed in on my recent post wrt my wife, thanks for your kind words.

For the new guys struggling with anger - its normal to be pissed. I acted out with pranks, some a tad bit on the malicious side maybe (not admitting anything officer, speak to my attorney).

...But if that is an avenue of expressing your emotions that you want to consider, I probably should point out that you can get custom printed toilet paper now.

I'll be honest. I'm in a tough place at the moment. Emotionally for sure. I'll probably put together a comparitive analysis between the types of pain from betrayal vs loss and stick in in general when I'm a year or two out and the pain from her death isn't so fresh.

Financially, maybe too. Took some risks quitting to write and now if the book I have coming out this summer doesn't reach a certain level of success then I'll have failed my attempt at career transition. Without my wife's support--emotionally and financially--even if it is successful, I fear it will ring hollow. Hard to hear a congratulations and that they're proud of me from someone who isn't there.

At the same time, I'm really hoping my book does so well it unseats Harry Potter, haha. Dumbledore doesn't deserve to be named in the same sentence as Gandolf, ya know?

I'm also conflicted. After she cheated I had--and I'm sure most have if they attempted reconciliation--entertained fantasies of being single again. Or maybe not. I did for several years after, tho.

So now that I'm effectively single again a major part of me wants female attention. Badly. And another part of me feels guilty about wanting it so soon after. I'm not making bad decisions, so no worries there. Just wasn't prepared for a giant surge in libido and such. Haha, tmi? Tmi. Next topic then!

...huh. Was kinda rambling and didn't have a next topic. So... anyone got a good fart joke for me?

BH: Me 37 WW: Her 41DDAY Mar 2014 Washington StateWidowed - breast cancer

posts: 13420   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Washington State
id 8729074
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 8:14 PM on Monday, April 11th, 2022

1) Very few writers make it big with their first book. Don't judge your career transition on the basis of your first novel. Some 1sts do make a lot of money, though, and I hope yours gets a great market and critical reception.

My brother is a best-selling author, though his 2 most important books didn't make the NY Times list. He scratched out a living for years from magazines and ghost-writing. There are ways to make your transition work.

2) OK ... you're well-place to compare 2 types of trauma. Be kind to yourself now, just as you had to be years ago. Be kinder to yourself than you were years back - you know more about kindness now, and you've lost more.

Of course you want female companionship ... you're even more used to it now.

This is traumatic; it's one of my biggest fears.

Be well. Stay well.

My dad used to say, 'It's better to fart and bear the shame than not to fart and bear the pain.' You can add that to your collection, if it's not already there....

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27090   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8729217
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78monte ( member #72572) posted at 12:51 AM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022

Not sure if you heard this one:
In an ancient Indian village lived a mighty old chief. He was a gigantic man, known everywhere for his lack of the ability to fart. One day this chief rounded up all of his advisors to discuss the matter. At the meeting, one of the elder advisors said he had heard of a great medicine man who lived many moons away. And so the chief called in his closest friend to send him on a journey to talk with this medicine man. His friend agreed and was off immediately.

He reached the hut of the medicine man many days later. He walked up and said, "Big chief, no fart."

The medicine man looked up and said, "Mak'em eat beans for one week and come back to see me."

And so the man took the advice back to the chief who, in turn, followed it. But still nothing. The man returned to the medicine man, and said: "Big chief, no fart."

And so the medicine man said, "Make'em eat beans for one month, then return."

So the friend of the chief returned, and the advice was taken. Still no fart. So the friend went back to the medicine man after a month and reported the same thing. "Big chief, no fart," he said.

"Mak'em eat only beans for one year."

And so the advice was taken back to the big chief. A year later, the medicine man was waiting for the man to return. On a sunny day he did, looking sad and dishevelled.

"Son, did my advice work?" asked the medicine man.

The man nodded his head yes.

"So, what happened?"

The medicine man looked up at the chief's friend, who responded: "Big fart, no chief."

posts: 2221   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8729283
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