SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I apologize for the Tredjack, Looks like you guys have a good discussion going on but I just found out about my friend. I'm dying here and don't have anything to say, other than I am heartbroken. Los was... the ellipses were intentional. Like the old single pane cartoon with Love Is... sayings. Fill in your own blank. He was a friend, A confidant. We last talked 10 days ago, but we'd go months without keeping in touch then there would be a flurry. He'd appreciate that I'm at a Losfer Words.

Fuck.

I just reviewed the last conversations I had with Los. I wish I could post them so you could see the quality of this man. I am sorry to say that the last post was a year ago. Damn.

I wanted to settle down, I wanted a wife, I wanted a family.

I don’t know, Legend, doesn’t sound to me like she saved you as much as you knew and found what you wanted. That might not be your mindset, but it should be, you were a man with a goal and you set you to achieve it.

It can all be done again. If that’s what you still want. She didn’t save you, you saved you.

Despair is a hell of a place, keeping yourself busy enough while mourning can be challenging. Especially when you don’t enjoy the things you used to quite as much anymore. I promise, it does get better and easier with time.

I felt happier during the time I spent with her than I have at any point in my healing but I worry if that was papering over the cracks with my recovery and that I need time on my own before opening myself up to someone else.

I’m just gonna take a guess that it was papering over the cracks, but how would I really know. How much time did you spend getting to know each other? As in your own personal interests, desires and goals verse the amount of time you spent comforting each other about your failed relationships, ex partners, and the struggles because of? Step back and give it an honest review. Your answer isn’t for me to know, please don’t feel the need or pressure to give me an answer. It only matters to you.

I kind of feel that I won't be happy until I do find someone to share my life with and I know that goes against most of the advice offered out on SI so I'm stuck in this kind of limbo where I'm tempted to get on dating apps and hopefully find someone to just staying strong and trying to work out things on my own but whilst I do stay single the loneliness gets me down and it's very hard just to get through the days and be happy.

My original username here was LonelyLucas. There was no other feeling greater in my life at that time than pure loneliness. I often posted about it back in the days, because it was so crippling, like I said, I had days where putting pants on was an accomplishment. For me, SI was a great support to helping me through the loneliness, starting up thread just to talk about being lonely, would attract a ton of supportive posts from the SI community. At some point through this hell, we’re all facing it, just on different degrees is all.

Do you have friends or family you can confide in through these times? As in actually supportive person/people? Someone who will listen, without telling you what and how to proceed?

[This message edited by Loukas at 11:06 AM, Thursday, February 17th]

L10 before you go much further, you have got to get good with you! You need to be okay being solo.

Seriously!

You will find that you will be much happier when you can come from a place of satisfaction, not need. Have a relationship because you want it, not need it. Have that relationship where you both support each other, not where one is the white knight.

One other item, no one can make you happy. It is the thoughts and emotions which you apply to that person that make you happy. Simply put, it is your choice. You may not realize it, but it is. If not then your happiness is dependent on others and is completely out of your hands.

I kind of feel that I won't be happy until I do find someone to share my life with...

Brother, people can and will add joy to our lives. Happiness comes from within. It's a choice (a lot of choices, actually). I know a lot of people who feel the same way and I understand. Humans are hardwired to make those types of bonds. Still, it's putting the cart before the horse, if you follow me.

Think of this way. Suppose you meet a couple of women who you find attractive. One is happy and the other is looking to you to make her happy. If you could choose...

Focus on you, your healing and finding, for yourself, things that bring joy to your life.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 5:20 AM, Thursday, February 17th]

I’m just gonna take a guess that it was papering over the cracks, but how would I really know. How much time did you spend getting to know each other? As in your own personal interests, desires and goals verse the amount of time you spent conforming each other about your failed relationships, ex partners, and the struggles because of? Step back and give it an honest review.

It was a good 3 months of texting every single day, phone calls and the occasional meet up in person. We spoke a lot about what our goals in life were, commonalities we had in terms of how we would want to live our lives, what we wanted out of life etc. We did also speak a lot about our previous relationships and the issues that stemmed from them.

As I said, I did / do genuinely like her, we had a lot in common but I also feel I just can't get an accurate call on whether she was right or if I could have literally been speaking to anyone at this stage and the crutch of just having someone, anyone, as a potential romantic partner clouded my judgement somewhat.

Do you have friends or family you can confide in through these times? As in actually supportive person/people? Someone who will listen, without telling you what and how to proceed?

Yes I do, I am fortunate in that sense, lots of people to lean on for support and you good folks here too for a more refined experience with the added infidelity thrown into the mix. I do find sometimes that people often treat you as if you're going through a normal breakup rather than one with infidelity and all the betrayal that comes along with it and therefore their advice can be a bit basic (plenty more fish in the sea, you'll get over it etc etc).

I've always been a bit of a homebody, I'm not one for living an adventurous lifestyle or throwing caution to the wind with life decisions. I've worked for the same company for over 15 years, I've barely travelled (and when I have it's been with my WS and son), I've lived in the same town my whole life. I kind of feel like I'm at a crossroads now where I've just got to accept that this is who I am as a person, find peace in that....

All you're saying is that you lead the life of an introvert. Maybe you are an actual introvert. The world seems to value extraverts to the exclusion of introverts, but being an introvert is just another way of being a human being - and virtually all human beings are loving, lovable, and capable.

It's not that 'there's nothing wrong with you'. In fact, everything is wright about not travelling, not job-hopping, and being a family man, if that's what you choose.

Yes, you may be at a crossroads where you need to accept yourself, but there are multiple ways of doing that. You can do so with self-criticism and disappointment. You can also do so with a sense of celebration. I think celebrating yourself is the way to go.

...and maybe try and find someone who is similar to me to spend the rest of my life with.

My reco is to look inside. Do you want someone who reinforces your choices, or do you want someone who brings new experiences to your life, or do you want something else?

Your self-esteem has taken some very big hits recently. Now is not the best time to decide on your future. Heal. Get your self-esteem to where it should be - loving, lovable, capable, enough. Accept yourself. Love yourself. Decide what you want to do. Do it, assuming it's doable and legal.

Great post Sissoon. That's some sound advice. As long as you love yourself enough, you don't need someone to "complete" you. YOu want someone compatible, whether they are reinforcing, complementary, challenging, or some combination of it all. I think loving yourself enough is a powerful aphrodisiac. If someone asked me what the main difference between pre-Dday Tred and post, that would be my answer.

Do it, assuming it's doable and legal.

Now that advice, not sure I followed it But I got away with it

Damn. I just read about Los. I still lurk from time to time and one of the last things posted when I was here last was him asking us to check in which is part of what I came here for tonight. He was a good man and a good friend to so many here. RIP brother. I'll raise a cold one to you tomorrow.

Just reading thru the responses to you L10, and there's plenty that's noteworthy. But this right here bears repeating...

She didn’t save you, you saved you.

It speaks to so much of the problem that most of us have in the aftermath of betrayal. Its that reticence to give ourselves enough credit for what we did right. And that "it" not working out says more (maybe everything) about them than us. That quote above resonated with me for that reason because my introspection of the past year led me straight to there. It was a her problem not a me problem.

I'm not fond of the whole "she's not the prize, you are" schtick. But here's the thing, no one but no one was more earnest and well intentioned than me. And that effing counts for something. I'm betting that you can say the same.

Take from this what you will, but I'm not looking for someone because I value my orbit and refuse to allow a disruption to it. Its mine. The next one that comes along, if at all, will be a compliment to it and that is all. If I can't earnest/objectively say that, she's gone at my urging (edited: at my insistance; simple urging is far too tame).

[This message edited by Repossessed at 12:44 AM, Saturday, February 19th]

Raising one in memory of our friend Losfer! It has been a very busy week for me so looking forward to some relaxation this weekend, except for the midterms I need to finish grading. Thankfully both work and school have Monday as a holiday so I get an extra day to finish!

L10, I think how I have internalized the "fix you first" advice is if we are expecting others to fill a hole in our life we are putting too many expectations on them. It's certainly reasonable to expect someone we are in a relationship to enhance our life, but complete me and all that other tripe needs to go the way of the dinosaur. I know and understand the pain and loneliness of being single, but if you work at it you can eventually start experiencing the joy of being you and when you get to that point it's easier to let go of the ones who are not right for you and embrace the ones who are. When you are looking for someone to fill a hole, you will put up with a lot of crap that you should not have to.

Godspeed, Losfer.

You were one of the best of us, and the world is diminished by your absence.

Rest in peace, old friend.

How have you been doing, Legend?

I've been doing ok. Had my son for 4 nights in a row at the back end of last week, we went swimming, went to the arcades, played football, went out for a meal, it was great.

Had a bit of an interesting chat with him where he said he wants to come and live with me permanently as he doesn't want to move to a new town (an hour away from where I live and where he's lived his whole life) to live with my WS and the AP. I've not mentioned this to the WS yet, I've told him to have a think about it and if that's really what he wants and then I suppose I might have to have that conversation with her, which I can already imagine will go down like a lead balloon and be met with a strong refusal!

Other than that, I've taken the decision to try and let go of the anger with WS, I've tried every other technique to try and get over this from grey rock, as much NC as possible and flat about abusing her but all of them have done nothing but cause me pain myself. I have not forgiven her in any way shape or form but am now being civil / more open with her than I ever have been. Whilst I resent giving her this peace I am putting my own healing above that of wanting to cause her pain as I need calmness, stability and serenity to move forward I feel.

all of them have done nothing but cause me pain myself

I think that’s the problem with ideas like grey rock and no contact, they can be a betrayal to oneself. We all have to deal with assholes in our life, for many of us, we have our own ways of dealing with them. For me, that often involves offering them some of my vulnerability as an explanation followed with a quick fuck off. I find it works well, for my own well-being. I’m given the opportunity to say what I need to say and how I intend to proceed in the future. No contact and grey rock work exactly opposite to that and simply leave conversations that might need to had, undiscussed. It actually resembles conflict avoidance to me and personally, is very damaging.

Don’t let infidelity take from you, who you’ve always been.

Whilst I resent giving her this peace I am putting my own healing above that of wanting to cause her pain as I need calmness, stability and serenity to move forward I feel.

Good for you for realizing this and trying to work towards it. I’ll only caution you to only give her as much of yourself as you possibly need to benefit your own well-being. Otherwise you’ll just end up getting sucked back into the right fights and bullshit.

I’m happy to hear you had a great time with your son. I do hope a peaceful resolution can be brought with his desires, but like you I’m also a realist.

I'll suggest for your consideration a couple of ways to express anger that worked for me.

1) I was able to stand across a room from my W and tell - show - her how angry I was; tone of voice, muscle tension, words all showed her I was furious. Letting the anger flow through and out of my body gave me a lot of relief. You can't do that in person now, but can you imagine her in front of you?

2) Take paper and pen or pencil and start writing by hand (not typing on a screen) sentences that begin, 'I'm angry/furious that ____' or 'I'm angry/furious about _____.' Limit yourself to 5 minutes, tops. I am never able to write for even 3 minutes.

I, too, am happy that you prioritize your well-being even though that might make your XW's life easier. Besides, living well is the best revenge. Best of luck with your son. I'm sorry your XW is moving an hour away.

Gents, NTV has a post down in Off Topic, he could use some support.

Wanted to share an experience that I had today, but the language was very course and it may offend. And I'm putting it here because the content would surely draw outrage from women readers. There's nothing to solve. It's just an example that the carnage of cheating can hit all demographics similarly.

So this trucker comes into my office today and after wrapping up the business chat, we sat back, got sociable, and shared some personal life. Just for context and a visual of T, he's a mid 40's African American, well put together, tatted up with nose, ear, and lip piercings. Talking with him you quickly get that he's a 'wrong side of tracks' fellow. And there's little doubt that the guy can handle himself.

He'd suspected that his woman was misbehaving and came in off the road early at about 2AM to walk in on her with the guy in their bed. I asked what he did and he told me he made a move toward them and then held up, and just walked on out. All of this happened about a year ago and he's stayed on the road to stay away while trying to get his head right. They've obviously split, but he hates even being in his hometown now. He's still pretty busted up about it.

Here's where it got particularly interesting for me. He asked if I'd been with any women since my split. I said I had but that I found I really wasn't enjoying it and wasn't looking for any of late. His response? "So you like me then. You like to fuck, but what you really like is fucking your woman. And, man, how fucked up is it that mine complained that I chased her too much? Like it such a terrible thing when your man finds you attractive and sexy. Such a burden, right? And then the bitch opens wide for this sorry mothafucker that can't even afford the roof over her head. And, Repo, here's the worst of it, I still love the bitch. What the fuck is wrong with me?"

Much more to our conversation, but you get the point. Even this tough guy turned to mush over it.

And, man, how fucked up is it that mine complained that I chased her too much? Like it such a terrible thing when your man finds you attractive and sexy. Such a burden, right?

Legend - That right there is just an excuse. You also have the many WW's that complain that they weren't getting enough attention and so they felt lonely and had to cheat. There is not winning this argument. YOu see marriages where things are going well and everything looks great and a WW will still cheat. We just all have to realize that sometimes they don't communicate their needs correctly and some just don't know how to, but it all comes back to them. They are unwilling or unable, and to let them stay in our past as the broken women that they are.

Hey boys,

I don't come around much anymore, but drop in once in a while to see how you are doing.

Sorry to hear about Los. I too had some good back and forth with him when I needed it.

For all you guys still mired in the shit; hang in, man. It gets better. I'm about 8 years out from DDay, and I don't really have any feeling toward XWW at all. It's all just business with the kids. New W is smart, loyal and likes to just let me be me.

I wish I could sit down with each of you to help guide you through.