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I Can Relate :
Betrayed Menz Thread - Part 34

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WearingTheHorns ( member #37916) posted at 4:30 AM on Tuesday, July 26th, 2022

Ah, revenge. The dish that is best served cold. My revenge fantasy for AP1 runs along the lines of Poe's "The Cask of Amontillado". For AP2, since he depends on his hands to make a living, it was having him restrained with his hands splayed out, then me singing "If I Had A Hammer" and everytime I got to the word "hammer" I'd smash one of his fingers with the round end of a ball peen hammer. For AP3 I never really settled on one so karma took care of it for me. He contracted colon cancer and as I heard it, the end was extremely agonizing for him. Now I'm not saying I'd have wished that on even him, but I'll admit that I can't help but feel like he got what he deserved. If I have any regret concerning it, it's that I'd planned to piss on his grave, but he ended up being cremated. Oh well.

Now, on what brings me here other than my occasional lurk. This November will bring the 10 year antiversary of D-Day. Without going into it too much, I can honestly say that I feel like we have the marriage I thought we did until I found out the truth. That's not to say it isn't still hard to deal with, and it comes to mind at least once a day, EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. DAY. But now, it's going beyond that. I don't know if it's the knowledge that it's about to be a decade I've been dealing with this or what, but recently I've been having dreams that I catch her at it again. It happens about once every couple of weeks. In the dreams I catch her and she pretty much boastfully admits to it, is completely callous and I don't give a fuck what you think about it. I don't have reason to believe she's actually cheating on me again. There's a plethora of reasons that makes me believe she'd never do it again. Yet these dreams are so damn vivid that I even wake up from them as angry as if they were true. There's been a few mornings I've been pretty cold to her because of the dream. I don't know if it's just the latest bite of this shit sandwich or what. I truly in my gut don't feel that she's doing anything like cheating. Like I said, maybe it's just the big antiversary coming up is just pushing a lot of it to the surface again. It just sucks is all I guess. Just one more fucking thing to deal with connected to all of this. Adultery, the gift that just keeps on giving to the betrayed.

Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months
Hoped I'd never have to add this: Dday #2 11/22/2015 Not sure how far it went yet but have a pretty good idea.

2 Cor. 12:9-10

posts: 1036   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2012
id 8747225

grubs ( member #77165) posted at 6:59 PM on Tuesday, July 26th, 2022

My revenge on the AP is knowing he's has to live with my exWW.

posts: 1603   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8747302

Tred ( member #34086) posted at 7:50 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022


I feel you brother. I'm past 10 years now, and the marriage is like you describe - what I thought I had and always wanted. Life is great, I'm pretty much getting ready to retire (on a trial basis right now since March) and been doing a lot of traveling and fishing. That being said, there just isn't in my existence a day I don't think about it. It's not debilitating like it was years ago, but it can still mess up my day if I'm not careful. It is actually one of the reasons that I decided to retire early. Stress at the job has been growing for several years, and it was getting to the point where my skills that I learned in therapy wasn't keeping up. Wasn't eating right or sleeping, just like after D-Day but nothing at all to do with it.

I've had dreams like that sporadically as well. They can ruin your day. I've never been able to identify a specific trigger, food, movie, or alcohol so I just think it's my brain just keeping me on my toes. There is some kernel in there that says "remember how this felt" for some pre-historic cave man reasons that biology has kept around "just for fun". I certainly don't need my own subconscious reminding me how I felt. My conscious does that just fine.

Cheers Menz. It's Friday, the beer is cold, there's a roof over my head, and the family is healthy. Life is good. Hope everyone is doing well. I'll raise one for Los and Koda.

Married: 27 years (14 @JFO) D-Day: 11/09/11"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

posts: 5877   ·   registered: Dec. 2nd, 2011
id 8747716

WearingTheHorns ( member #37916) posted at 12:30 PM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

As I wrote that post I knew the experience with the dreams couldn't be unique, yet when there's something new you always feel like you're the only one it's happened to. As unique as all of our stories are, they're exactly the same. I always felt that was what made the bond here in the menz group so strong. I do wonder about the other old timers that I don't see check in anymore. I hope the reason for that is that they've healed and moved on to a point they don't need the support anymore.

Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months
Hoped I'd never have to add this: Dday #2 11/22/2015 Not sure how far it went yet but have a pretty good idea.

2 Cor. 12:9-10

posts: 1036   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2012
id 8748018

Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 3:55 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022 comes to mind at least once a day, EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. DAY.

Every single day, for ten years? Do you think it's possible that your wife is a constant trigger?

I rarely think about it. I don't want to think about it. I don't give a shit anymore. I'm divorced. I'm not suggesting you get divorced. I just know that my Ex was a constant trigger and now she's not (just to occasional one).

I used to have infidelity dreams. They varied, however. Some dreams were about her cheating again and being absolutely callous about it. Some dreams she cheated again and was just soooo very sorry. The best dreams, I have to admit, were about ME cheating, having an affair, and thoroughly enjoying every moment. In fact, those dreams put me in a good mood all day long. Of course, all of these dreams were my subconscious telling me it was time to move on.

This whole decade thing is probably a trigger in and of itself. We humans live by the calendar. We count shit. Your brain is clearly attaching importance to this ten-year antiversary.

"A thousand injuries I had borne of Fortunado, but when he ventured upon insult, I vowed revenge."

That's my memory, not a direct quote. I'll look it up after posting. smile Either way, one of my favorite short stories of all time.

ETA: "The thousand injuries of Fortunato I had borne as I best could, but when he ventured upon insult I vowed revenge."

[This message edited by Unhinged at 3:57 PM, Wednesday, August 3rd]

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6710   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8748141

WearingTheHorns ( member #37916) posted at 5:44 AM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

I'm sure she is a trigger, but there's nothing I can do about that. There is the occasional day that I kind of wonder if the A's did come to mind the previous day. It's not like I keep a running tally, but since I sometimes have that happen I suppose the rare day may go by that I don't think of it. I suppose in a way it's like my tinnitus. I always know it's there and it's just something I have to live with. I don't always think about it,but sometimes it'll force it's way to front of mind and I know I can't let it linger there or I'll go crazy.

I've had dreams of me cheating as well, but I stop myself and can't go through with it. It's like even in my sleep I'm so adamant about it being wrong that I can't allow myself to do it. Sometimes it's even to the point I'm going to give in and I stop myself. I've always thought I could never cheat on her because knowing what it's done to me, I can't be that cruel to her. Still, because I think of it so often it kind of feels like I'm paying for her sins. Even so, I can't imagine my life without her. That said, in my mind I've never taken D off the table as an option. I don't see myself ever going that route, and it's not something I actively think about, but it'll always be in my back pocket.

Anyway, tomorrow's Friday, she's off with a couple of friends for a retreat, and Saturday night I'll be going to my astronomy club's dark site for some planet watching. Everyone have a great weekend.

Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months
Hoped I'd never have to add this: Dday #2 11/22/2015 Not sure how far it went yet but have a pretty good idea.

2 Cor. 12:9-10

posts: 1036   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2012
id 8748272

tbkjcn ( member #44744) posted at 4:01 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

Hi guys... It's been a while again since I've been around. Life's been busy. I don't remember the last time I posted here, but it was probably around when I started the new (old?) job last fall, almost a year ago shocked . The new (old) job has been going pretty well. Didn't take long to settle into the new team, and I've realized how much I missed working on a national scale.

Anyway, seeing as were talking about dreams, I have this same recurring dream every year starting around this time (gee, I wonder why). Had it twice in the last two weeks. With minor variations, the dream is that my xWW shows up unexpectedly on my doorstep and professes her remorse, apologizes profusely for what she did and how it was the worst mistake of her life and she's so miserable now, and begs to be taken back while crying on my porch. In a moment of weakness, I agree, and spend the rest of my life miserable and regretting letting her back in. In real life I can't imagine anything near that happening, but I go through this every year. Same dream, once or twice a week for a month to two. And it's so damn real to me that I wake up miserable and spend the next day in a funk.

WTH, I actually have the same plans laugh . The last two times I drove 25 miles to get out to the dark site on what was forecast to be a perfect evening, clouds rolled in about sunset and it was totally overcast. Tonight and tomorrow are again supposed to be pretty good so I am planning on making the trek again one or both nights, even though I have to teach a class this weekend starting at 8am. Been working on a picture, and I am finally going to call it finished cuz there's things I want to image in the southern sky before they disappear.

This is part of NGC7000 called the Cygnus Wall, which surprisingly enough is near the constellation Cygnus laugh . I used a dual narrow-band filter to capture the oxygen (bluer areas) and hydrogen (redder areas) and then recombined them into kinda a faux hubble-pallete color image. This is a low-res version for posting, so sorry it doesn't look as detailed.

[This message edited by tbkjcn at 4:24 PM, Friday, August 5th]

Me: BH 49 (then)
Her: WW 48 (then)
D-Day 8-30-14 3 yr LTA and 1 ONS (9-1-14 the rest of the story, she can't remember how many men)
Divorce filed 1/14/15, final 4/7/15
Married 23 years together 28

posts: 667   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: IL
id 8748365

hatefulnow ( member #35603) posted at 4:22 AM on Sunday, August 21st, 2022

Hi Gang,

I managed to get a good measure of revenge XWW AP. I ruined 2 careers he had, or rather HE ruined them be romping in another man's rubarb. One was his military career, he was an officer...major getting ready to go to Lt. Col. The other was with a military contractor. He lost his TOP SECRET clearence so he lost that job. He also had political aspirations so it was a trifecta. Still, after a while and when the dust cleared I felt kind of empty. Not sad or regretful, just blah.

Anyway, I have a different issue I'm working through but after years of therapy I feel stuck. XWW and I divorced but still date as a couple. She's a great companion...the ultimate friends with benefits even though we don't see other people. Outwardly, things are great, but even years later I still struggle with changes she's made.

To look at her, you'd never suspect an affair. Long skirts, blouse with ruffles, horned-rimmed glasses and hair in a bun. Think Catholic girl's school librarian. She was always very conservative sexually, with me anyway. After DDay, she tried to ramp things up. I resisted because I felt manipulated, but after a while we were active again. And it was better, lots better. Also, she was never great at cooking or housework, but during her A she took some cooking classes...because HE liked gourmet cuisine. She became very, very good in the kitchen, but I didn't find out until AFTER DDay. He, being military, liked things super tidy. She'd clean and cook for him at his 'bachelor pad'. Our home was tidy, but not with the precision she keeps my place now and I never have to lift a finger to help whereas befoe she was all 'feminist' about things and insisted work be split. What I'd get before was OK, but now it's objectively next level.

There are other things too. She'll wear sexy underwear, often. Never did that before and objected if I suggested otherwise. She prioritizes my calls or texts. I get responses right away and often, when before DDay I was usually on standby. There are more things but I think you get the point.

I feel as if he broke her in somehow, which turns my stomach. It's a creeping thought that still intrudes sometimes and I hate it. Although I'm enjoying the changes/improvements, I know they weren't made for me. Has anyone faced something like this? How do you cope? sad

[This message edited by hatefulnow at 4:44 PM, Tuesday, August 23rd]

posts: 269   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2012
id 8751324

Brew3x ( member #72052) posted at 6:30 PM on Sunday, August 21st, 2022


I wouldn’t exactly say my W’s AP broke her in but I’m dealing with something similar.
My W had cancer twice while we were together and another thyroid scare that resulted in surgery. After the second time she changed its like something died in her and she put on weight and didn’t care about her appearance as much and just stayed home a lot. I focused on my career around the clock and hardly noticed the changes in her.
During the A she lost weight, got contacts, bought new cloths and started dressing sexy again. After Dday she said the AP made her feel alive and changed her. Some of those changes still are present but several have faded away.
I don’t really know how I deal with it, I guess just like any of the other trauma from the A I try to process it and move on.
One thing that has worked for me is focusing on myself and things I like. Even though I always took care of myself I exercise more and with more discipline. I started dressing better, sleeping more, eating better, and working less. I suppose I do all this to increase my confidence and overall outlook on life.

posts: 259   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2019   ·   location: MA
id 8751377

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 11:58 PM on Sunday, August 21st, 2022

First, Hatefulnow, I'm not surprised your 'revenge' left you feeling empty, because that's how I experience revenge. But I think you did us a significant service. He probably was a real security risk as a military officer, and we certainly don't need another politician who cheats. So, thanks.

If you feel empty, though, why stay enmeshed with your XW? Why not either go into true R or end the relationship. Sex is important(!), but you can find another sexual partner. You might even find true love, which can take sex to a whole other level. What are you getting from making yourself settle for less than you can have? I urge you to challenge yourself. IMO, you deserve better. Unfortunately you're the only one who can get it for yourself.

To Hn, Brew, and myself: I hate the fact that my previously fucked-up-about-sex W learned a lot about enjoying sex through her A. But she says - and it makes sense to me - that she was essentially having sex with herself. She thinks it was as if they were using each other as masturbatory aids. When she describes the sex, I don;t think she's manipulating the facts to support that story; rather, I think she looks back on the sex and disgusts herself with what she was doing. That puts the A sex in a much different light for me, and it might for you, too.

I might be lying to myself, but I don't think that's what I'm doing.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30040   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8751404

hatefulnow ( member #35603) posted at 6:37 PM on Tuesday, August 23rd, 2022

Hey gang. Thanks for responding. Brew3x, unlike your wife, mine didn't change at all. She was constant: good mother, worker, church member, wife (or so I thought), friend. She was a master at compartmentalization. I had no clue until I discovered, quite by accident, a thumb drive I'd bought her where she'd save a lot of their correspondence. I'd bought a twin pack of thumb drives and she gave one to him which he used to store video he'd secretly record of them together and some of the videos went back years.

Clown had the nerve to get in my face when I confronted him and he shared a lot of hurtful crap.

It was after that encounter she went to his place and got the other thumb drive, which she thought he was only storing correspondence, like her. She was going to get rid of it but I intercepted her before she could. I got to see a whole other version of her that I didn't know existed. I don't have words to describe the shock.

According to her, AP made her feel very sexy and un-judged (her words). She didn't have to be the prim and proper 'good girl' with him. She didn't have to do that with me either, but I just thought that's how she was so I accepted it. During our marriage I wanted to be more adventurous and spotaneous, but she always shut me down. We have 4 kids so there was sex, lots of it, but always 'plain vanilla'. I guess (and she didn't say ths specifically) I was putting off that BETA vibe, where he was, objectively an ALPHA type. Strange thing is, between the batrayed spouse diet and working out to avoid stress I lost a lot of weight and packed on some serious muscle and I look a lot more like he did, which throws another monkey wrench into my world.

Anyway, the thought of remarrying has come up from time to time. The kids would love it, our families would love it, SHE would love it (even though she learned early on to not bring it up) and I'd probably love it. It's just that every now and then the creeping thoughts come in. It's usually a trigger. For example, she wasnever one for the kitchen. She could throw together something simple, but never would there be anything elaboraate. Then one day, a few years back she made this really great bolognese sauce. A good bolognese can take all day to do and she took the time. It's one of my favorite foods to have over rigatoni and it had been a while since I'd had it and she never made it before. I was ecstatic...until I found out she'd made it for 'Mr. Wonderful' and more than once. DAMMIT!!! It was almost a year before I'd accept anything special from her, food wise. I'm past that now, mostly, but the 'creepies' still bug me from time to time.

Sisoon, you made a good point. Kind of a 'shit or get off the pot' type of thing. Why don't I pull the trigger and take the plunge? Fear and doubt. Like I said, she fooled me and everyone else for years. Why don't I split? Fear and doubt. I doubt she'd ever cheat again and there's no guarantee another woman wouldn't do me even worse. Kind of a 'deal with the devil you know' kind of deal. It's a conundrum.

posts: 269   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2012
id 8751655

waitedwaytoolong ( member #51519) posted at 10:49 PM on Tuesday, August 23rd, 2022

Hateful, the role playing during an affair is very common. The woman involved often take on the persona of the bad girl after years of being the good wife and mother. My EX was a completely different person with her AP than she was with me. We had a great sex life. Not vanilla, but certainly not like she was with him. With him he ramped up the sex with lots of anal, facials, even letting him ejaculate on her in a room next to his other workers. Things that I never in a million years would think she would want. We had done anal a handful of times, but it really wasn’t something she enjoyed so we took it off the menu. I think it was novel for a while, but in the end she didn’t enjoy it, and I think in the end she was almost happy to be caught and free of the acts she was doing. According to her she was another person during the affair. Someone free of being a wife and mother, and with him a strictly sexual person. But it got old for her relatively fast.

She did offer up all these things to me but I wanted no part of it. I wanted a sexy wife, but I didn’t want the whore he turned her into. Unfortunately our sex life never recovered. The sad thing for both of us was our sex life more resembled what she had with him, minus the acts, it similar in that it was me getting what I needed with no passion or love which is what we had prior to the affair. He would finish, jump out of bed, and head home to his wife. For the longest time she would come to the guest room I was in, I would finish, then tell her she needed to leave. No holding or talking like in the past

She also like in brews case after the affair she gained weight, and became a shell of the woman she was.

I feel sorry that you actually had to view the acts on video. The descriptions I got were horrible, but I can’t imagine seeing them up close. Her AP sounds like a real scum bag. I am glad you got him. Even though you didn’t get total relief from blowing up his life, but you did get some satisfaction. I kick myself for not doing the same.

I do agree with Sisoon. It is probably time to make a decision in the direction you want to go. Can you imagine a life without her? If not I would work towards a total commitment. Maybe not marriage, but something close.

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician


posts: 2170   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8751725

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:45 PM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022

I urge you not to take my questions as criticism. I'm not saying 'shot or get off the pot.' As waited wrote,

It is probably time to make a decision in the direction you want to go.

WHat counts is going in the direction you want to go.

We can't predict the future. No matter what you choose to do, you risk a bad outcome. Our best approach is to take fear and doubt into account without letting them rule us.

Healing takes work, but you are stronger than you realize.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30040   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8751884

hatefulnow ( member #35603) posted at 5:09 PM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022


Thanks for your input. I think you hit it on the head. She could be 'free' with him with no responsibilities or expectations. We'd both known this guy since college. He was a big man on campus type. She always pined after him, but he had lots of girls...cheer leaders, sorority girls, etc. My wife felt these women were out of her league, and looks-wise they maybe were, but only because she never before put effort into looking fashionable. I've said before she looks a lot like Dawn Wells from Gilligan's Island, but more voluptuous. If she wanted to, she could knock your socks off. She just never did that for me, and only for him in private.

What really steamed my bean, and was like getting dowsed in ice water for her, was that he admitted he only went for her because I liked her. He wasn't just screwing her. He was screwing me. I never liked the guy, but had no real issue with him, before, but apparently he hated my guts. He used her to 'prove' he was a 'better man' than me and could have whatever I had. He admitted as much. The realization that he never really cared for her and only got her to do the things she did with him to rub in my face almost sent her off the deep end. And to my shame, because of my pain, I poured gasoline onto that fire. I was like Ming the Merciless with her, hence my handle on this forum.


Forgive me. I didn't think you were being critical. My expression was just my verbage. I'm working through the trust issues with my therapist. I'm a prison psychologist and see every form of crazy imaginable, but I need help with this. He thinks that, deep down I still want to punish her. He could be right. Those images cut me to the bone.

When we got divorced, my lawyer suggested marriage counciling. I didn't want to but she said it would look better to the judge. It was disatrous because I just wasn't ready but maybe it's time for another go. I'll talk to XWW tonight.

posts: 269   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2012
id 8752075

waitedwaytoolong ( member #51519) posted at 11:25 PM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022

I feel for you. Stories have a lot of similarities. My wife too was the least likely person to do what she did. Imagine soccer mom, PTA president, heading or involved in tons of charity work. She dressed smartly. Picture an ad for a very attractive yoga teacher which she sometimes subbed for. Like your AP, he was a predator. Not looking for anything but sex, with a touch of evil in getting various women, like my wife to do things that he knew she would never do. Wasn’t his first rodeo. He didn’t hate me per se in the beginning, but rather all the guys like me whose houses he worked on, while thinking he should be the guy in the big house.

It got personal for him when I refused to invest in his proposed business of renovating and flipping houses. According to my EX he was convinced she could talk me into it, and when I didn’t he went scorched earth in turning her into something I would never want again. She said she wanted out, but was terrified that he would spill the beans first. The sad thing is in that respect he succeeded. That was one of the reasons I stayed so long. Leaving was admitting he won. I finally gave up and conceded that in the end he did win. The only good thing is his business got going with investments from friends and when it went under he fled town as these guys weren’t like a bank calling in a bad loan. They were tough motherfu*kers who probably would have killed him as he lost some life savings from these guys He never knew he won which did make it a little better

Seems like your wife’s AP kind of had the same intentions. How were her feelings towards him after she got caught? Sounds like she is remorseful. Was she able to let go of him right away? Again, I think it’s great you screwed up his life.

I too felt the same way about her AP breaking her in. That’s why the anal sex bothered me so much. I had visions of it now being easy for her, when the few times we tried she struggled. The thought grossed me out. She brought it up numerous times, but stopped when I finally told her about my thoughts of him breaking her in so now she could enjoy it as she was stretched out. Lots of tears after that. But at least she knew how I felt.

Anyway, you seem to be heading to a good place. Hopefully you can give some credence to the fact that she was probably not looking for an affair, and if weren’t for this guy she might never have done it. It also leads me to believe she would never do it again. Of course taking advice from me might be hard as I couldn’t do that.

In my last post I suggested picking a direction. Probably best, but where you are now isn’t so bad. Better sex than pre affair, better cook, and someone who will crawl over hot coals to please you. A lot of guys would kill for that. The only issue is you are not in a position to have a real shot at a relationship with someone else.

The marriage counseling is probably a very good idea if you want to try again.

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 11:26 PM, Thursday, August 25th]

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician


posts: 2170   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8752163

rambler ( member #43747) posted at 4:42 AM on Friday, August 26th, 2022


You blew up OM, you also divorced your WW. What is wrong with the course you are taking. You can end your relationship at any time.

making it through

posts: 1413   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8752203

hatefulnow ( member #35603) posted at 11:10 AM on Saturday, August 27th, 2022


You got me thinking of the way OM's life imploded. The way it all went down was epic and I had to chuckle. Even though I still feel I got the shitty end of the stick and wish him nothing but hardship because no amount of revenge would ever be enough, thinking about the nuclear chain reaction his life became warmed my heart.

All I did was tell his wife. I did later speak to his commanding General after he reached out and an investigator, I assume from the military contractor, contacted me for details. But mainly it was his wife who demolished him. Apparently she came from money and her family didn't approve of the union and cut her off, mostly. The impression I got was he never loved her but wanted access to the family business and they saw him comming. Banking and insurance, I think. Anyway, she made a lot of sacrifices for him and, with her help, he built up a considerable portfolio.

To his wife, this was a super betrayal. She was one of those popular sorority types that looked down on my school-marmish looking future XWW. She didn't associate with my wife, different circles, but she'd see her an object of ridicule. Also, as it turns out, my XWW got a perverse satisfacion from screwing the husband of one of her former tormentors. So his wife's fuse was lit.

She went to his direct commander, then to the general, state senator, federal senator, the husbands and/or employers of any woman he'd been with. Anyone who would listen. It's like I dropped a pebble on top of a snowy mountain and it became an avalanche. A tiny tremor at the bottom of the ocean became a huge tsunami. My wife wasn't his only 'victim'. He had a string of conquests. A rotation.

XWW was double mad when she found out that, not only was she not special, but she'd been cooking and cleaning for his 'harem' as well. I'd never seen her really, really angry before. She ran through a gamut of emotions...fear, anger, sadness, regret and finally TRUE remorse. She's thoroughly disgusted by him and herself.

In short, his wife savaged him mercilessly. Hell hath no fury, they say. I'd met with her twice and she couldn't stand me either. I was a shy, book-smart, somewhat overweight kid who became a shy, book-smart, somewhat overweight adult. She just wanted info. I'd heard lots of betrayed wives have retailiation affairs with the betrayed husbands so, in my state of mind at the time, I was hopeful. She was VERY beautiful. Not quite what she was in college, but still. Unfortunately at the tme I kinda looked like Dan Aykroyd from Driving Miss Daisy. Not her type at all. Now I look more like Gerard Butler from '300', beard and all. I muse about what she'd think if she saw me now. wink XWW loves my new body and gets jealous when other women notice me. I'm really loving that.

It came out in the earlier failed marriage therapy that she'd always had a thing for him, and he knew it, but he was unattainable. They did have sex at least once during our courtship (I've made progress and I don't want to dig up an old corpse although she's said she'd hide nothing, ever again). For him, it was just to prove a point.


I didn't get a chance to talk to XWW yet. Were having a family dinner with the kids tonight so I'll bring it up after. I am fine with the way things are now: great partner, great sex, compliant and patient partner, kids doing well, money's rolling in and I'm in the best shape of my life and she's motivted to stay in shape too, but I want to be free of the doubt and fear. I'll keep you guys posted.

I do wish you'd told OM's wife, though. There's something about seeing an ASSHOLE'S life get dismantled that just makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.

[This message edited by hatefulnow at 11:19 AM, Saturday, August 27th]

posts: 269   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2012
id 8752514

ButAnyway ( member #79085) posted at 8:47 PM on Saturday, August 27th, 2022

I have a somewhat unique (and sad) perspective as I’ve been both D & R … different WW’s. So my opinions come from those experiences.

IMHO, you never completely heal in R, you are constantly triggered by your W’s very presence, along with other occasional triggers. It is always lurking somewhere in your subconscious. The best you can hope for is finding some peace thru acceptance and no longer hoping for a better past. R may be the right choice for other practical reasons, but that’s another topic. Again, my opinions based on my own experiences, but I simply don’t believe BH claims of equal to or greater than post A M’s.

However, once removed from the source of your pain … normally thru D, you will heal quickly and completely. Other than something like this topic, I simply never think of my XW.

One thing I’ve observed over time, if you allow it, the easiest person to deceive is yourself.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
id 8752557

waitedwaytoolong ( member #51519) posted at 10:22 PM on Saturday, August 27th, 2022

Hateful, did you know about the sex during the courtship? How did she justify to herself getting married to you while longing for him? I hate to say it, but it feels like she settled for you, at least in the beginning. Now that she sees his true colors you look like the better choice, but for the entirety of the marriage, you were not. How long did the affair last?

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician


posts: 2170   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8752575

hatefulnow ( member #35603) posted at 2:00 AM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022


I found out about their first hookup after DDay, during the failed marriage therapy. She also point blank told me there that she settled for me. And she said it so 'matter-of-fact'. The therapist was no help. Just get over it, it was so long ago, water under the bridge. Yeah. Sewer water!

I'm not a violent man by nature, but at that moment I could have put my fist through her skull. This was years ago and a few months since DDay. Needless to say I was very upset and my jaws were tight for about 2 weeks after. I asked her about it months later after I'd decided to be civil. She thought that being that honest and forthcoming would help me. It almost helped me out the door. If it hadn't been for the kids being! She's always lacked a certain emotional intelligence, but who am I to talk?

Yes, I was second fiddle for the entire relationship. There were times when I was courting but we weren't an official couple (to her anyway) where he'd call and ask her to do such and such things like run an errand, write a report, pick up his dry cleaning, give him a ride, etc. On these occasions, and unknown to me, if she and I had plans, they'd get cancelled. Understanding SIMP that I was, I accepted it. It was on one of these errands they had sex. According to her it was quick, but she did enjoy it because she'd built him up in her mind. When I confronted him after DDay and he got in my face, this was one of the many hurtful things he told me. I confirmed via polygraph it was only once, if you can trust those things. But it happened before she and I slept together, so there's that.

We'd been together for about 15 years, 12 married and four kids when the world exploded. And yes I did confirm via DNA testing the kids are mine. I had them run twice at two different labs. Had to do that because I found out she went to HS with a senior tech at the first lab. They supposedly weren't buddies, but knew each other. My wife's sister spilled the beans on that one. Okay though, best money I ever spent.

The affair was on and off for our entire relationship. When he'd blow into town every so often they'd get together. He was getting for free what I was paying full price for and the best version of it as well. Dredging all this up still stings a little, but I got a real good therapist who helped me come to terms. He's the one who suggested couples couciling.

If we didn't have history, kids and she wasn't moving heaven and earth to keep me I'd have vanished like a fart in a hurricane years ago.

posts: 269   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2012
id 8752618
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