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I Can Relate :
Betrayed Menz Thread - Part 34

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waitedwaytoolong ( member #51519) posted at 12:01 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022

Hateful, this is truly horrific. I can understand some types of affairs. Hell, I was tempted on more than one occasion. But this wasn’t a affair per se, but another relationship she was having with someone else for as long as you had been together. I just can’t get why she married you in the first place.(not to disparage you) when she clearly loved someone else. I guess you fulfilled the domestic duties, and the fantasy part was with him.

Did they ever talk about getting divorced and being together? This guy sounds like a true prick. I enjoyed the vision of him getting plowed over by the snowball you created. My guess, and it’s awful, but they were laughing at you the whole time. Did you have suspicions about this. Just the length of it, and that you knew him, would lead to close calls. I’m hoping they never did it in your bed which is one of my nightmares.

Anyway, though your name is hateful, you actions have been far from that to still be considering getting remarried. She is lucky

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician

Divorced

posts: 2161   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8752640
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hatefulnow ( member #35603) posted at 5:33 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022

Waited,

I had no f*cking clue. As I stated before she is a master of compartmentalization. Also, she never had him over to our house. That was confirmed by polygraph as well. He no longer lived in our area. He'd just come in from time to time on an irregular schedule. He maintained a small but nice apartment in town. Near a shopping center where, if someone happened to see her, she could easily explain why she was there. She had a key to his place so he never had to pick her up or any of that jazz.

In the beginning I asked, and supposed what you did, that she loved him and was using me for cover and finance. What do they say today? Alpha lays, Beta pays? When everything was comming out, my world was spiraling. Lots of tall buildings and high bridges near me and they were looking REAL attractive. But I don't think she 'loved' him. And I know he felt nothing real for her. He was the guy she wanted and couldn't get, but did. When he would even look her way she'd swoon. I saw it back in the day but paid it no mind. The jerk is a complete egomaniac and had so many hot chicks in his roster how could he really be interested in her? I know, famous last words.

I think it was more or less like what happened with your wife. As I understand it, she was never interested in leaving for OM. And you indicated she was kind of glad when things ended. I think they were both hooked on the attention. I don't know about your XWW other man, but my XWW's jackass/whackass was very handsome. Tall, rugged, chisled features. Think Brad Pitt meets Marlboro Man. And smooth as hell. I've got to give it to him. He had the 'gift of gab'. Over time, she built him up big in her head. She's said, although I'm not completely convinced of this, he wasn't a really interesting person and when they met it was straight to the sex. Like your XWW OM, he never wanted to cuddle or engage her in conversation. He knew what to say to get her motor running, but that was it...and more than enough. According to her, she knew deep down she could never really have him. Even if I was out of the picture and she could have him all to herself he'd never have been faithful, and she knew it.

Me, however, I'd never cheat. Safe, solid, steady family man. Reliable, responsible and all the rest. She felt safe with me (her words). Too safe I say.

I think the thing that bothers me most is that I was always nice and considerate of her. Not just because I was afraid or anything but that's just who I am. When things came out and I started being a COMPLETE ASSHOLE (and I mean COMPLETE) towards her, she started to respond with more deference and respect, as she got past the shame. Before it was just casual courtesy. One thing that worries me is that if we got together again I'd revert to type: nice, easy-going, patient, tolerant...in other words the guy I really am, and things would deteriorate. Right now I'm more or less 'grey rock' with her and have been so for a long time, but it's an act. I can maintain it because I don't see her all day, every day. It's also kind of why I feel stuck. On the one hand I want things as they were before where I loved her whole-heartedly and expressively, even though that was based on an illusion. On the other, I do like the way I'm treated by her now. King treatment. She even keeps the kids in line. But to keep getting that I feel I'd have to give her the illusion I'm giving her now and I bon't know if it's sustainable.

I am pleased that I give her a little anxiety when other women notice me. A few weeks ago,we went shopping with our youngest to the super market. A lady, a fairly attractive lady with a really nice ass, came up and started flirting with me. XWW was in another aisle and when she came back and saw this other woman giggling at me it pulled her right off her square. She didn't do anything but was visably upset and started asserting herself. She was smart enough not to say she was my wife. She did that before a few years back and it didn't go well. She just really made her presence known.

Gonna talk to her soon about the couple's therapy. But I'll make sure she understands there are no promises. Wish me luck.

posts: 269   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2012
id 8752685
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 8:07 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022

I should start this by saying that I think stifling oneself is a giant crime against one's self.

You say you're stifling yourself. You're writing here, so I've concluded you're not happy with the sitch as it is.

Years ago my big questions were: does she love me? is she in love with me? will she commit to monogamy? (I had already decided, based on 43 years together, that I wanted her back, all other things being equal.)

The only way I could get answers was to be the real me ... shy, book-smart, very overweight, angry, scared, grief-stricken, 65, bald, ADD, nice guy (strong boundaries, though)....

You're writing as if you think she's the prize, so my guess is that you want to R. The thing is, you're still book-smart, probably still shy, not overweight, strong boundaries against cheating. You're the prize.

My reco: If your W doesn't like the real you, stop fucking her. Use the extra time and energy to find someone you can be real with, someone who values you. Your XW may surprise you. If she was still in a wayward mindset during MC, she may well have said she settled for you, but she may realize her values were fucked up, and she was very lucky to have found you. She may turn out to be that person, and she may be able to demonstrate that.

If not, her loss.

I guess what's driving my posts to you is my awareness of mortality. Unless you're unlucky, you're likely to live long enough to lose a lot - maybe all - of your sexual abilities. It's really nice to have a loving partner who is also losing sexual abilities with whom to commiserate and do what you can do(!). So great sex now is great ... but if that's the big draw, be ready to prepare yourself for the future before you need to.

And remember, once you get into your 60s, the demographics shift to your favor. The odds are you won't have to be alone.

Another driver of my posts to you is that I'd hate to be half-in and half-out. That's about me, not you. You have to live your life. I urge you to go for the gold - but you get to and must define your 'gold'.

Also, I may be reading a desire for R that you don't really have. If that's so, then maybe it's even more important to be the real you. There are a lot of people who really like shy and book-smart, especially buff, shy, and book-smart. If your XW isn't one of them, do you need her for anything but co-parenting?

My guess, though, is that she probably does like assertiveness but that she knows the real you, too.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29933   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8752701
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 2:59 AM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

Damn! I keep wanting to call or text Losfer about this Broncos game. I miss my friend.

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6704   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8754996
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Tred ( member #34086) posted at 5:22 PM on Friday, September 16th, 2022

Damn! I keep wanting to call or text Losfer about this Broncos game. I miss my friend.

I hear you Unhinged. I miss the talks I had with Los as well. I would of loved to have heard his reaction to a 64 yard FG try instead of going for it on 4th and 5 with a minute left after they mortgaged the franchise to get Wilson.

Married: 26 years (14 @JFO)D-Day: 11/09/11"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

posts: 5872   ·   registered: Dec. 2nd, 2011
id 8755606
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 10:13 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

He'd say the same thing he usually said about McManus... MVP!

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6704   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8755884
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64fleet ( member #18710) posted at 5:12 AM on Wednesday, October 19th, 2022

Damn had to tell spouse one of her fukbuddies died. Was best man at the wedding, my best friend for years til I figgered out he was fukiin my spouse. Not very(insert your religious views) of me but not sad maybe even kinda happy. Wtf? What happened to me?

time wounds all heels

posts: 5545   ·   registered: Mar. 19th, 2008   ·   location: deliverance land
id 8760214
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Mene ( member #64377) posted at 8:05 AM on Thursday, October 20th, 2022

Anyone else feeling down? I can’t get to sleep. Bad memories keep flooding back. Been reading the last few pages of this thread. So many if us men have had our world turned upside down. I feel there is no justice in this world. Infidelity is one of the biggest traumas to overcome. At times I feel emasculated. Other times I feel OK. Rarely do I laugh like I used to. Infidelity is a bitch. And I’m four years down the track. Hope you guys are all well.

Life wasn’t meant to be fair...

posts: 869   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2018   ·   location: Cyberland
id 8760347
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Tred ( member #34086) posted at 2:32 AM on Friday, October 21st, 2022

Mene, what stands out to me is

And I’m four years down the track.

I hear you. And it isn't uncommon, everyone heals on their own timeline. What are you doing for self care? What are you doing for you? Have you looked into talking to someone? I wasn't that far out, but I was in a bad spot for 13 months. Finally went to PsyD and spent a couple of years getting better. Not sure where I'd be today if I didn't have that help. One of the most important things I know now is that I am responsible for my happiness. It's not a linear process, but almost 11 years out I can truly say I'm happy.

BIgger, a long time SI member who has shared great advice, has this as his tagline in his profile and it is one of my favs:
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Married: 26 years (14 @JFO)D-Day: 11/09/11"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

posts: 5872   ·   registered: Dec. 2nd, 2011
id 8761384
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Freedomfighter ( new member #79609) posted at 2:34 AM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

Mene,

Yes, end of the day it is about time and space. Time you can't control but it moves ahead without effort. Space more likely you can control, but requires effort. Space isn't just physical, it also emotional distance. Easier said than done, but in my experience, that is how it works.

While life isn't fair, we also do no have to be tortured by the "what if's" of life. To me, that means we can choose to enjoy a new better path.

[This message edited by Freedomfighter at 2:57 AM, Saturday, November 5th]

Happily remarried with 3 awesome kids

posts: 21   ·   registered: Nov. 19th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8763735
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WearingTheHorns ( member #37916) posted at 5:02 AM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

Ten years. Ten years ago this past week. My world had been blown to hell and I felt like my heart had been cut out with a rusty spoon and a great big shit had been taken in the hole it left behind. I had known this week was coming and viewed it with great trepidation. How would I take it? I already think of this shit at least once a day, usually in passing now, but it never leaves me. Would I obsess about it? What was going to happen? Well... it was just another week. It never particularly stood out to me. When it did occur to me, I just brushed past it.

I look back and see what a long journey it's been over the last ten years. Am I happily married now? Yes. I'm crazy about her, although that's tempered by what I know she's capable of doing. Do I trust her? Generally. I feel like she still has boundary problems at times, but I also see that she doesn't come close to crossing them. There's still things she does or says that puts me on high alert, but they end up proving to be nothing. I'll never fully trust her ever again, and I do have issues with that, but I really feel the postives of our relationship outweigh that.

Ten years ago I would never have thought there was any way to be where I am now. A part of me still thinks I should have divorced her, and maybe I should have. But if I had there's no guarantee I'd be where I am now with someone else. If there's anything I learned from this week it's that there's hope. Hope there will be further healing and hope that in another ten years this will be only a dim, distant memory.

Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months
Hoped I'd never have to add this: Dday #2 11/22/2015 Not sure how far it went yet but have a pretty good idea.

2 Cor. 12:9-10

posts: 1036   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2012
id 8766126
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:37 PM on Tuesday, November 22nd, 2022

It's really good to read that.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29933   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8766310
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Tred ( member #34086) posted at 5:30 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

WTH,

I'm with Sisoon - glad to hear you are well on your journey to healing. I just realized reading your post that I blew past my 11th without even thinking about it. Instead we were working on plans for our Thanksgiving trip with the family to the Outer Banks. And I am thankful that I am here today with my wife, kids, grand kids, and family in a lovely beach house watching the ocean. Hope all the Menz have a great Thanksgiving and can find some solace in something they are thankful for.

Married: 26 years (14 @JFO)D-Day: 11/09/11"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

posts: 5872   ·   registered: Dec. 2nd, 2011
id 8766473
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goingtomakeit ( member #11778) posted at 3:29 PM on Sunday, December 18th, 2022

Hey guys,

Got a question.

Back story is I was in loveless sexless marriage for several years. Last week, wife makes a move on me and we end up having sex (mind totally blown). She grabbed my d*ck, so I did not misread signals. Just at out of the blue. (More details are in scared and confused in reconciliation form)

We end up having making love (as opposed to just having sex) two more times last week. I was really into it both times.

I’m late 50’s. I use Cialis for ED. Not that I have needed that much in the past several years.

I have erection failure 2 of the 3 times last week. Get hard but lose it before I come. Can’t get it back. (F*ck, F*ck, F*ck). I feel like a loser. Fortunately, she was finished both times, so it was just me who missed out.

Yesterday, I was at the store with her and came back to drop stuff in the cart. When I turned the corner and saw her, I started to get a boner. By the time I made it down the aisle, I was at full mast. Later, was on the sofa watching TV, she came down stairs and sat down on opposite sofa, and I got hard again. Full mast again. I was not thinking about sex or f*cking, just seeing her and how beautiful she is did this.

This is sooo frustrating for me as when I want to show her how much I love her (which I did not know I really did until last week) I can’t . When we are making love, I lose it. When we are doing nothing,full mast.

How I got thru the last several years was masterbation, so I have not touched myself (or felt the need to) since she and I stared making love again.

I have a doctor appointment after Christmas and had my blood work done(all scheduled before this started happening. I am going to the old marriage counselor for IC tomorrow).

A week ago, I did not think R was possible. Now I feel like I am making progress, and my stupid d*ck is all off schedule. (F*ck, F*ck,F*ck)

I had a really bad night last night, as the pain of DD and aftermath came flooding back. Nothing you guys did not experience-the lies, the drip drip drip of info, the rush to protect OM from his spouse finding out. I am making myself vulnerable to her again, and I could get burned so bad if this does not work. I have protected my heart for so long, and now putting it back out there to her is scary as hell.

I have never been unfaithful to my wife. Her one affair is the only one I know about. Basically she was unremorseful so I was not going to get burned again. I stayed for 2 great little boys. My best friends in the whole world. I could have left in 2013, when the youngest turned 18, but things we ok. Not a ton of love, but sex was good, finances were good, so inertia kept us going.

This seemed to fall off around 2018 along with the sex. I just got tired of begging. I’m no Brad Pitt, but I think I’m ok for my age, and I’m a pretty good lover. But she did not seem to want me so I got tired of humiliating my self begging her to do what should be natural. She did not seem to care, so I stopped as well.

Ok guys-rip into it. Even if you think I am the dumbest f*ck on the planet-I can take it. I just need some help

[This message edited by goingtomakeit at 5:45 PM, Sunday, December 18th]

Me: BS (34 at d-day)Her: WS (35 at d-day)D-Day: 02/03/99Kids: 2 boys (5 & 3 at d-day)Married 9 years at d-day

posts: 170   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2006   ·   location: Ga
id 8769984
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:40 PM on Sunday, December 18th, 2022

My bet is that a lot of your ED is emotional. I think you've been letting your M drift for a long time, and you haven't been upfront about what you want. If my W sought me out for sex after years, I wouldn't know what to think or feel ... I'd wonder: is the change permanent? What made her change? What's going on here? I think I'd have a hard time being all in if I were in your sitch.

Meanwhile, I think sex is a 'use it, or lose it' thing, so I hope you keep using it. That alone may be all you need.

You say your W was unremorseful. Are your feelings about her A coming back and interfering with your performance? If so, it'll take more work than just additional opportunities to ...um... practice.

What do you think is the source of your 'spirit is willing, flesh is not' issue?

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29933   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8769992
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goingtomakeit ( member #11778) posted at 6:57 PM on Sunday, December 18th, 2022

Thanks sisoon,

This past week has been a wild one for me. I feel like I have been in the desert for a long time, and now I am back.

I got a lot of advice this week for SI members who basically said what have I got to lose. I’ve been through hell and survived and lived in limbo for years and survived . It took a little nudging from them, but they were right and I am reinvested. She is loving and kind, and I am opening up more than I have in years.

I felt after A I lost the love of my life, and I was stuck with a different person in the same body as my wife. Sometimes over the years, my true love would come out for a while, but then she would disappear again.

This could be a huge mistake, and I could get so crushed again. I have no reason to trust she won’t hurt me again. But I have hope-it’s all I’ve got-and I did not have that a week ago.

I have been over and over, and I don’t think I have anything she wants (if she were using me for some financial gain).

What could have changed? She retired, so she no longer has the stress of dead lines. She and I have been home almost everyday together since the pandemic started, so it is not possible for her to have had a PA. She had a work computer and work phone, all monitored by a big company, so an EA is doubtful.

Yes, I really want to use it (please, a lot). It’s been about 6 months before last week.

I am happy, and scared at the same time. I got hit like a ton of bricks last time. Where we ended up after MC was she was sorry she hurt me, she was as sorry she got caught, she was sorry for hurting her family. However, she looked back fondly on her time with OM. That hurt, and still does. I did more for her than he ever did. I have felt for years I was second fiddle. I have no idea where he is today, or if he is still even alive (he would be in his late 70’s). It was an Internet affair that became real life. He live many states away, and his spouse knew.

I can’t fight a ghost. I am real, and I am here. That is all I’ve got. I looked after her when she was sick, helped her thru the death of her parents, financially, I’ve been a good partner. I’ve been a good lover, and try to make sure she enjoys sex with me. I can’t be OM, and I don’t want to be him. I want to be me, and be loved by her for being me.

If my problem is emotional it’s because I think she has an idealized version of OM, and she sees me for who I am. If I try and tell her this, I’m not sure I can get the words out as I am crying typing this. He was perfect, combed hair, brushed teeth, freshly showered, never sick, never fought with her, and I assume never had an ED issue with her. And I am me, with all my reality, which is not perfect and can’t be.

Me: BS (34 at d-day)Her: WS (35 at d-day)D-Day: 02/03/99Kids: 2 boys (5 & 3 at d-day)Married 9 years at d-day

posts: 170   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2006   ·   location: Ga
id 8770010
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:55 PM on Tuesday, December 20th, 2022

And I am me, with all my reality, which is not perfect and can’t be.

Also, you're 'enough'. Perfection is impossible, so it can't be a requirement.

One thing that helped me was knowing that the demographics are in my favor - there are more unattached women around than unattached men. The odds aren't as much in your favor because you're younger than me, but they get more favorable every day. So, I thought, I could work for R, and if it didn't work out, I was very confident I would find another partner if I wanted one.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29933   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8770213
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 7:01 PM on Wednesday, December 21st, 2022

I wouldn't call it emotional as much as anxiety driven. The fear of additional emotional trauma is the cause of the anxiety but the anxiety is what is doing the damage. And then you throw in a lil bit of extra anxiety as it happened the last time so now you're afraid it will happen again. Best recommendation is to take the pressure off and go with the flow. If it doesn't happen it doesn't happen. Make sure you both enjoy what you're doing but don't stress on the end state. Spend some time doing other things. Get her over the line a time or two. Eventually the anxiety will subside enough to get you there.

posts: 1580   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8770329
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outside4me ( member #42430) posted at 1:57 AM on Sunday, January 1st, 2023

Howdy gents! Its been many moons since I visited SI, and its great to see this group still active. Happy to see familiar names from back in the day (it was damn near 8 years ago when I last posted). Did Losfer pass away? I got that impression, but I've only read the most recent page on the thread.

After my divorce in 2017 I lived a Marty Robbins timeline. Out in the West Texas town of El Paso I fell in love with a Mexican girl. Good lord but I loved that woman. Coronavirus killed her December 2020, and I've been a mess these past couple years.

When I was with El Paso I had the crazy good sex. Despite being 50 when I met her, I never had problems with the wedding tackle. Always got hard, even after the 5th session of the day (like I said... crazy good). Dated a couple gals since she passed, and both times I experienced ED. Started off good, but midway through I was pushing rope. I turn 55 in a couple days, so maybe it's just that time for that shit. Maybe I'm still hung up on El Paso too. I reckon I better look into the boner pills if I don't want to just hang up my spurs. Any thoughts or advice?

But that's just like...my opinion, man. I could be wrong.

posts: 276   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2014   ·   location: Colorado
id 8771671
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:11 PM on Sunday, January 1st, 2023

I think you're still in mourning, and I'm very sorry for your loss.

Have you seen a good urologist? Man, I had a difficult time when ED hit me at 50, before Viagra was available. I had benign prostate enlargement, and my abilities came back for 10-11 years once that was treated - a LONG period of daily antibiotics.

My guess is that I'm average in the ability department, so my reco is to see a urologist first and try ED meds 2nd. Maybe you're suffering from normal aging, but maybe not.

One big issue is your psuchology - you've got to keep up positive self-talk. It's all too eay, I think, to launch strong attacks against yourself when you can't keep it up. You've got to accept something like: I can't do this because of some combo of physical and emotional factors, but I can do _____, _____, and _____, and those things are enough.

I started with Cialis in my early 60s. That worked until d-day, after which I very rarely needed help for several years. Until 6 months ago, it was hit or miss for a few years, now it's mainly a miss without tadalafil, but I'm 78. With or without, though, it's time very well spent, IMO. Mind you, one reason I was able to drop the Cialis 12 years ago, which was also a main reason I wanted to R, was that my W still turned me on.

Good luck!

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29933   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8771708
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