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Newest Member: Stark

I Can Relate :
Betrayed Menz Thread - Part 34

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waitedwaytoolong ( member #51519) posted at 12:01 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022

Hateful, this is truly horrific. I can understand some types of affairs. Hell, I was tempted on more than one occasion. But this wasn’t a affair per se, but another relationship she was having with someone else for as long as you had been together. I just can’t get why she married you in the first place.(not to disparage you) when she clearly loved someone else. I guess you fulfilled the domestic duties, and the fantasy part was with him.

Did they ever talk about getting divorced and being together? This guy sounds like a true prick. I enjoyed the vision of him getting plowed over by the snowball you created. My guess, and it’s awful, but they were laughing at you the whole time. Did you have suspicions about this. Just the length of it, and that you knew him, would lead to close calls. I’m hoping they never did it in your bed which is one of my nightmares.

Anyway, though your name is hateful, you actions have been far from that to still be considering getting remarried. She is lucky

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician

Divorced

posts: 1924   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8752640
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hatefulnow ( member #35603) posted at 5:33 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022

Waited,

I had no f*cking clue. As I stated before she is a master of compartmentalization. Also, she never had him over to our house. That was confirmed by polygraph as well. He no longer lived in our area. He'd just come in from time to time on an irregular schedule. He maintained a small but nice apartment in town. Near a shopping center where, if someone happened to see her, she could easily explain why she was there. She had a key to his place so he never had to pick her up or any of that jazz.

In the beginning I asked, and supposed what you did, that she loved him and was using me for cover and finance. What do they say today? Alpha lays, Beta pays? When everything was comming out, my world was spiraling. Lots of tall buildings and high bridges near me and they were looking REAL attractive. But I don't think she 'loved' him. And I know he felt nothing real for her. He was the guy she wanted and couldn't get, but did. When he would even look her way she'd swoon. I saw it back in the day but paid it no mind. The jerk is a complete egomaniac and had so many hot chicks in his roster how could he really be interested in her? I know, famous last words.

I think it was more or less like what happened with your wife. As I understand it, she was never interested in leaving for OM. And you indicated she was kind of glad when things ended. I think they were both hooked on the attention. I don't know about your XWW other man, but my XWW's jackass/whackass was very handsome. Tall, rugged, chisled features. Think Brad Pitt meets Marlboro Man. And smooth as hell. I've got to give it to him. He had the 'gift of gab'. Over time, she built him up big in her head. She's said, although I'm not completely convinced of this, he wasn't a really interesting person and when they met it was straight to the sex. Like your XWW OM, he never wanted to cuddle or engage her in conversation. He knew what to say to get her motor running, but that was it...and more than enough. According to her, she knew deep down she could never really have him. Even if I was out of the picture and she could have him all to herself he'd never have been faithful, and she knew it.

Me, however, I'd never cheat. Safe, solid, steady family man. Reliable, responsible and all the rest. She felt safe with me (her words). Too safe I say.

I think the thing that bothers me most is that I was always nice and considerate of her. Not just because I was afraid or anything but that's just who I am. When things came out and I started being a COMPLETE ASSHOLE (and I mean COMPLETE) towards her, she started to respond with more deference and respect, as she got past the shame. Before it was just casual courtesy. One thing that worries me is that if we got together again I'd revert to type: nice, easy-going, patient, tolerant...in other words the guy I really am, and things would deteriorate. Right now I'm more or less 'grey rock' with her and have been so for a long time, but it's an act. I can maintain it because I don't see her all day, every day. It's also kind of why I feel stuck. On the one hand I want things as they were before where I loved her whole-heartedly and expressively, even though that was based on an illusion. On the other, I do like the way I'm treated by her now. King treatment. She even keeps the kids in line. But to keep getting that I feel I'd have to give her the illusion I'm giving her now and I bon't know if it's sustainable.

I am pleased that I give her a little anxiety when other women notice me. A few weeks ago,we went shopping with our youngest to the super market. A lady, a fairly attractive lady with a really nice ass, came up and started flirting with me. XWW was in another aisle and when she came back and saw this other woman giggling at me it pulled her right off her square. She didn't do anything but was visably upset and started asserting herself. She was smart enough not to say she was my wife. She did that before a few years back and it didn't go well. She just really made her presence known.

Gonna talk to her soon about the couple's therapy. But I'll make sure she understands there are no promises. Wish me luck.

posts: 268   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2012
id 8752685
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 8:07 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022

I should start this by saying that I think stifling oneself is a giant crime against one's self.

You say you're stifling yourself. You're writing here, so I've concluded you're not happy with the sitch as it is.

Years ago my big questions were: does she love me? is she in love with me? will she commit to monogamy? (I had already decided, based on 43 years together, that I wanted her back, all other things being equal.)

The only way I could get answers was to be the real me ... shy, book-smart, very overweight, angry, scared, grief-stricken, 65, bald, ADD, nice guy (strong boundaries, though)....

You're writing as if you think she's the prize, so my guess is that you want to R. The thing is, you're still book-smart, probably still shy, not overweight, strong boundaries against cheating. You're the prize.

My reco: If your W doesn't like the real you, stop fucking her. Use the extra time and energy to find someone you can be real with, someone who values you. Your XW may surprise you. If she was still in a wayward mindset during MC, she may well have said she settled for you, but she may realize her values were fucked up, and she was very lucky to have found you. She may turn out to be that person, and she may be able to demonstrate that.

If not, her loss.

I guess what's driving my posts to you is my awareness of mortality. Unless you're unlucky, you're likely to live long enough to lose a lot - maybe all - of your sexual abilities. It's really nice to have a loving partner who is also losing sexual abilities with whom to commiserate and do what you can do(!). So great sex now is great ... but if that's the big draw, be ready to prepare yourself for the future before you need to.

And remember, once you get into your 60s, the demographics shift to your favor. The odds are you won't have to be alone.

Another driver of my posts to you is that I'd hate to be half-in and half-out. That's about me, not you. You have to live your life. I urge you to go for the gold - but you get to and must define your 'gold'.

Also, I may be reading a desire for R that you don't really have. If that's so, then maybe it's even more important to be the real you. There are a lot of people who really like shy and book-smart, especially buff, shy, and book-smart. If your XW isn't one of them, do you need her for anything but co-parenting?

My guess, though, is that she probably does like assertiveness but that she knows the real you, too.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27624   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8752701
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 2:59 AM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

Damn! I keep wanting to call or text Losfer about this Broncos game. I miss my friend.

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6592   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8754996
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Tred ( member #34086) posted at 5:22 PM on Friday, September 16th, 2022

Damn! I keep wanting to call or text Losfer about this Broncos game. I miss my friend.

I hear you Unhinged. I miss the talks I had with Los as well. I would of loved to have heard his reaction to a 64 yard FG try instead of going for it on 4th and 5 with a minute left after they mortgaged the franchise to get Wilson.

Married: 24 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

posts: 5823   ·   registered: Dec. 2nd, 2011
id 8755606
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 10:13 PM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

He'd say the same thing he usually said about McManus... MVP!

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6592   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8755884
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